It feels like a new beginning.
The guilt is still there, but he thinks he'll be able to manage it this time. Or at least, he'll be able to work on managing it. His counsellor was right. His brother wouldn't want him making himself miserable. He was always pushing Kyle to go out, to meet people, to live and be unashamed of it.
He thinks his brother might be proud of him.
They walk across campus, buzzing with people now that dinner is approaching, and most classes are done. There's a respectful distance between them, but every once in a while, Jake is forced to step closer to let other's pass. His hand brushes against Kyle's, and—
Kyle grabs his hand before he can overthink it. Before he can start to doubt it. He grabs Jake's hand and intertwines their fingers. He glances up to see Jake staring at him, eyes wide and lips parted in cute surprise. He tries to offer him a smile, but it feels shaky.
His heart is pounding in his chest, and he's certain his palms are sweaty. His skin crawls with anxiety as he feels the weight of stares around them. Every time he sees movement out of the corner of his eye, he assumes people are turning to look at him. Every time he hears words he can't make out, he assumes they're talking about them. Maybe it's his paranoia, but then again, maybe it's not.
He can't bring himself to look at any of them. He stares at the pavement beneath their feet as they walk, trying to regulate his breathing and calm his rapid heartbeat. Jake squeezes his hand, holding it tightly and confidently. It's an anchor point that grounds him, and Kyle squeezes back to let him know it's appreciated.
When they reach the quad, Kyle is pulled to a stop, and he turns to face Jake with eyebrows pinched, head tilting to the side. He wonders if maybe this was too much, if Jake isn't ready to let it be known publicly that he's dating a guy, but that doubt is wiped away the moment Kyle sees him.
Jake is smiling at him, soft and gentle. There's a fondness that melts Kyle's nerves and his heart beat quickens for new reasons. It makes everything else fade away. The quad. The people. The stares. The worry.
Jake lifts his freehand, cupping Kyle's face and lightly running his thumb across Kyle's cheek. He recognizes it as a question. He lifts his hand, covering Jake's hand with his own. He leans into it, head tilted and shy smile on his lips. He doesn't trust his voice, so he nods.
Jake leans down, capturing his lips. The kiss is firm and passionate, without being sloppy or rushed. It's gentle. Lips moving against lips. Deepening slowly until Kyle's breath hitches and his toes curl. He leans into Jake, and Jake's arm slides around his back to support him. The crisp autumn air feels good against his heated skin.
When Jake pulls away, Kyle feels breathless. He pulls back just far enough for Kyle to see his face. He smiles, and Kyle feels his own lips curve. He can still feel the stares and hear the whispers around him, but for once, he doesn't care.
Jake is in front of him, taking up his whole vision and his whole world.
Soft, kind, gentle Jake. Jake, who has never been anything short of encouraging and understanding. Jake, who has been so patient and kind with him.
"One day at a time, right?" Jake whispers into the space between them, sounding just as awed and breathless as Kyle feels. It makes his heart flutter.
"One day at a time," he agrees, squeezing his hand.
Kyle's still not sure if he's ready. He's not sure if he'll ever be ready. Maybe they won't last. Maybe it'll just be for college. Maybe it'll be less than a year. A few months. Maybe it's just for now. He doesn't know about the future, but living for the day, that he can do.
Today, he loves Jake.
Today, Jake loves him.
He doesn't know how they'll feel tomorrow, but he supposes they'll find out. One day at a time.
Epilogue
Jake doesn't think he'll ever get tired of the field. The hard packed dirt. Dust kicked up behind feet and clean painted lines. The muffled sound of the ball hitting squarely against a waiting mitt. The clang of a ball colliding with a bat. The call of the umpire.
Nope, he'll never get tired of it.
Even when he's no longer playing.
"Come on, Jessica!" He shouts, waving a hand in the air to encourage her onward. "Keep running! Go on! Run it home!" The other team is still fumbling for the ball in the outfield, and the little girl grins as she rounds third base and pushes it home. She hits home without any problem and the crowd cheers. He grins, clapping his hands and reaching out for a high five as she passes, skipping back to her team. "That's our heavy hitter. Good job."
The kid grins wide, a gap in her teeth. "Thanks, coach!"
The game is called, and his team wins. Predictably, he'd like to say. They've been on a winning streak lately. It's going right to the girls' heads, but that's alright. They're allowed to be proud as long as they're having fun.
He leads the girls through their team cheer before he urges them to line up, shaking hands with the other team. After that, they scatter. They run back to the dugout to get their things, gathering where the snacks are about to handed out, courtesy of this week’s volunteer parent. Some of them dive out into the crowd, searching for their parents.
He watches them go, hands on his hips and a fond smile on his face. There's a warm pride bubbling in his chest. They've all improved so much in the past few months, and he likes to think it's because of his own efforts. It doesn't hurt that out of all the other volunteer coaches in the league, he actually has the most baseball experience. He's also the youngest amongst them, and he makes an effort to connect with the kids, which makes them more inclined to listen to him.
Once he's certain that the volunteer parents are taking care of passing out the after-game snacks, he turns to the task of gathering the equipment. He moves around, picking up all the discarded bats and helmets.
As he bends down for one, sharp pain shoots through his leg. It's quick and gone in an instant, but the ache in his knee remains, throbbing dully. He sighs as he stands, keeping his weight off his right leg as much as he can. It's nothing new, and he knows the pain will fade soon enough.
It's an old injury at this point, and it doesn’t sting as it used to. He had been upset at first, realizing that he’d never get to play professionally. But after the initial shock wore off, as he recovered, he realized that he didn’t need it. There’s a lot more he can do and a lot more he’s capable of.
Still, as much as he misses it, he's happy with how things turned out. Life could've gone differently, but it didn't, and that's fine. Besides, coaching his daughter's softball team is nice. It brings back memories, he still gets to be involved, and he gets to help kids grow. It's far more rewarding than playing pro could've been.
"Dad!" He turns, barely managing to brace himself before a small body collides with his legs.
"Whoa, there, Katie. Try not to knock me over, 'kay?"
"Sorry," she says, though she doesn't sound it. She holds up the cupcake in her hand. "Look! Mandy's mom brought cupcakes this time. They all have this weird filling in the middle, but I like it. She said there's one for you, too."
He grins. "Maybe later. You had a good game out there. Didn't let anybody steal third."
"Not on my watch," she says, face mock grave as she salutes.
"That's my girl." He chuckles, turning and bending down as he offers his back. "Hop on up, princess. Let's go find your daddy."
She climbs onto his back, one hand hooked over his shoulder and around his neck while she eats her cupcake. He holds onto her legs, turning to walk off the field and around the fence where the rest of the crowd of parents and families gather.
It doesn't take him long to spot Kyle.
He stands with a couple other parents, talking to them politely, smiling like he's used to it. Jake's proud of him. He's come so far since they were in college. He's learned how to interact with people, and while he's still an introvert, he doesn't fear social interaction as much as he used to. He's gotten pretty good at it.
As if sensing Jake's eyes on him, h
e turns, catching his gaze from across the crowd. Jake grins, and Kyle smiles, small and fond and private. He excuses himself from the conversation and makes his way over, and Jake just stands there admiring him.
He's grown a lot since they first met. He's a few inches taller. His hair is a little less messy. He smiles a lot easier, and he stands a little taller. His game is a huge hit, and he still has a tendency to overwork himself, but Jake is always there to take care of him. He never thought he'd end up as the trophy stay at-home-dad, but here they are. And he can't say he minds.
"How many people did I tag out this time, Daddy?" Katie asks as he gets near.
Kyle stops when he reaches them, tapping his chin as if thinking. He's wearing one of Jake's jackets again. It's a habit he picked up, and Jake has never cared to stop him. He looks adorable and small in Jake's larger jackets, sleeves hiding much of his hands. "I think it was nine."
"No, it was thirteen!" She argues.
He smiles, tilting his head. "Was it? I must've miscounted."
She makes a noise that sounds like dismissive acceptance, and Kyle steps closer. His hands find Jake's hips, leaning in close and tucking himself into Jake's chest. He tilts his head back, eyes lidded as he smiles. "Hey."
"Hey, yourself." Jake leans down, rubbing his nose against Kyle's, loving the way he chuckles under his breath, hands pulling Jack closer.
"You looked good out there," he says, tilting his chin to line up their lips, leaving the sparse distance between them.
"You're supposed to watch the game, not me."
"I can do both."
Jake presses his forehead to Kyle's. Their lips brush when he speaks, "I love you today."
He can feel Kyle's smile. "I love you today, too." He moves up on his toes, pressing their lips together in a firm but chaste kiss. He tastes sweet and feels like home.
For ten years, Jake has loved him. For ten years, Kyle has loved Jake. One day at a time.
They'll see how they feel tomorrow.
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