by James Patton
Once again I pushed them to my face. I could see, but the distance sucked. People lit up like ghosts, and now that I was looking, anything that held heat lit up. Everything registered in monochrome and had no depth to it. Walking like this was dangerous.
“Thermal imaging,” I muttered, realizing these were not the cheap night vision goggles that required some light to work properly.
“Seriously? That is wicked.” Fungi said, and I turned to look at him. He was flicking me off or at least trying because he was facing the wrong direction. I grabbed his finger which made him jump and caused me to laugh. The rest of the Pact was moving about, holding their hands out. I guided Fungi to a spot and had him stand still while I rounded up the others. After I had arranged them, so they were all holding on to one another, I went hunting.
“Ok, stay put and do not lose contact with each other. I will be back once I find the exit.”
Looking around, I felt confident that the screeching sound we had heard was near. I moved slowly because the imaging only helped me see where I was going. The metal screeching sound indicated that something had changed, but I had no idea where or what. It was easy to miss things with these goggles, and in the end, I stepped into my exit and stumbled. The goggles dropped out of my hands, and I heard them tumble downward.
I lost my fight with my balance and tumbled down the ramp too. Luckily I was unharmed, and after a few seconds of searching, I found the goggles. They were intact, but for a few moments, I feared the worst. I found myself in a tunnel with a low hanging ceiling. I realized the ramp was a floor panel that had lowered. It explained the screeching sound, and in hindsight, I should have realized it was the floor that had shifted.
The slope was gradual enough that it posed little effort to walk back up, but the ceiling was too low to walk upright. I was worried about getting the others down it, but if I had to, I could take them down one by one.
The others were still huddled together when I got back to them and told them what I had found. I took Alexa’s hand and put it on my shoulder and told them all to do the same to the person they were touching. I moved slowly to prevent accidents and led them to the ramp.
“Here we go. Just keep your head low as you go down, or you will smash it against the wall.” My voice sounded optimistic, but this was going to be rough.
I made it down to the bottom, and Alexa was right beside me when we heard cursing. I shifted the goggles quickly to look upward, but I could not pick out individuals as they tumbled to the bottom of the ramp. Nor could I stop the chuckle that came out of my mouth.
“Hold on.” I moved over to them and tried to untangle them as best as I could. “Is everyone ok?”
“Just a little discom-bob-ulated.” The big guy said and tried to sound innocent doing it, but failing miserably.
“That isn’t funny.” Bob shot back and swung in the darkness at Fungi but missed. I heard more than saw Fungi laughing.
I sighed, and helped Nevi up and moved her and Zingo over to Alexa and had them all grab onto each other. We were all stooped over, and Zingo almost doubly so. Finally, I separated Bob and Fungi and put a few people between them. I would have to talk to Bob when we got out of this darkness because the guy was starting to crack.
“Ok, the walls and floor are flat as far as I can see, but the ceiling is uneven. So just stay hunched, or you are going to regret it.” I told them as I grabbed Alexa’s hands, I put one on the wall and held the other one for a moment. Then I pulled her in the direction I wanted her to walk.
“Alexa, lead them, just keep your hand on the wall and move slow, and you will be okay. I am going to scout ahead real quick.”
“Hurry back,” Bob said, but there was a nervousness to his comment. The darkness was freaking him out, I was sure of it.
There was nothing along this whole length of the tunnel, I spotted a wall coming up, and the tunnel ended. I looked up and saw the faint outline of a hatch, but when I tried to push against it, nothing happened. I waited for the others, and a few minutes later I could hear their shuffling feet.
“Fungi you are up. I think that is a maintenance hatch. Can you see the light?” I asked.
“Faintly, but yeah, let me take a look.” I could hear the others shuffling around. A few curse words later we eventually got Fungi to the hatch, and his hands glowed as he used his skill.
“Oh that's weird, your hands glowed when you used your ability,” I said, holding out my hands to see if they were glowing at all.
“Really?” Bob asked, “I never saw anything.”
“No idea, maybe these goggles pick it up easier.” Just about then I heard a metal clang and light flooded into the tunnel. “Oww fuck man. Warn me next time.” I growled, blinded.
“Sorry about that.” Fungi said, but I heard him snickering.
“Stop saying, Bob.” Our leader growled.
“You ok man? We never said your name.” Fungi said, reaching up to pull himself through the hatch and we all heard a thump as his head hit the desk above him and the long string of curses that followed. We helped push him the rest of the way up, and once he was out, he shoved the desk out of the way.
“Upsy daisy.” Fungi said to me reaching his hand down. I gripped it and came soaring through the hatch. I managed to land on my feet and took a few stumbling steps forward. “Oops. Still getting used to this strength thing.”
While he pulled the others up, I dumped the goggles back into my inventory and rubbed my eyes to get the spots out of them. This is the second time I exited under a desk in the last two days, and I wondered how many things we missed by not looking under desks.
“Is it me or was that exit ridiculously hard?” Bob asked rubbing his neck and rolling his shoulders. “We would not have made it without several different classes and items to bob- I mean boot. Not to mention the door was hidden with that lizard thing that was let out.”
“Well, all things considered, we did come out of it with some good loot. Look.” Zingo said pointing. Above the door was a shadow box with a sword in it.
“No fucking way,” Bob said shaking his head adamantly. “There are no swords allowed in Office Wars. That is bullshit.”
Fungi pulled the box down and broke the glass. Then pulled out the sword and laughed. “It’s made of wood. It is covered in a chrome style paint.” He said tossing it to Bob. “In other words, it's worthless except as a club.”
“Naw, not worthless,” Zingo said. “We all thought it was real, as long as we don’t have to use it, it should scare the shit out of anyone that wants to mess with us. Strap it to your back Bob, so everyone sees it, but put it away before anyone can inspect it.”
“That is pretty smart,” I told Zingo laughing.
“What can I say, I know my swords,” Zingo said, and while no one else got the joke, I did not care, that was funny stuff.
“I cannot keep up with all these inside jokes,” Nevi said sighing.
“For once I have no idea what they are talking about.” Fungi said frowning.
“Scavenge the room folks, and let's get a move on,” Bob said, breaking up the chit chat.
I moved over next to Bob. “You ok man?” I asked in almost a whisper.
“Yes. No. I let Fungi’s BCD shit get to me.”
“Talk to Nevi. Maybe she can ‘cure’ you.” I had no idea the extent of her abilities, but those bandages of hers were kind of powerful.
“Ok. Good idea.” Bob said and walked away.
There was not much in the office, but we did find a charger for Alexa’s tablet and 100 Poker Chips. I took one of the shards of glass from the case, figuring I could use it as a weapon in a pinch. It did not register as an item, but I thought once I used it the system would assess damage accordingly.
The office was well furnished, but only had one poster on the wall. It had a little kitten dangling from a tree branch, and the caption under it said ‘Hang in there!’ I shook my head at it because that stupid poster was everywhere.
Why
do you taunt me kitty!
“Could have been worse buddy.” Fungi said staring at the poster while standing next to me. “Could have been one of those cheesy ass motivational posters like ‘Your Mom Loves You’ and then under it in small letters it says ‘But everyone else thinks you are an asshole.’ True story.”
“You are such a dick,” I said laughing at him.
Nevi and Bob were talking, but it was quiet enough that none of us knew what was said. I had a feeling Bob was getting treated for BCD, which was ridiculous. Fungi had an admirable way of getting to people, but it was not cool to use on our group. I would talk to him about it later.
Bob had grown on me, he was dour and very businesslike, but he kept us on track and did not boss us around. He is not the kind of person I would have typically hung around, but he was the kind of person that seemed to hold loyalty in high regard. I liked the guy.
“I am taking that poster,” Bob said, and Fungi and I looked at each other with our jaws on the ground.
“I would never have taken you for a cat lover,” Zingo said chuckling.
“Shut it,” Bob said rolling the poster up and putting it into his inventory. Normally, that would never have fit in anyone’s pocket, but one of the perks of digital living.
“I am not even going to ask,” I said referring to the poster. “Is that a peephole?” I asked seeing a hole in the wall where the poster used to be. It was on the same wall as the door, so maybe we could see into the hallway.
“Certainly looks like one.” Fungi said walking up to it and peeking through it. “Oh, you have to be shitting me, definitely not the hallway.”
Fungi was trying hard not to laugh, so Nevi stepped up and peeked.
“Who the hell comes up with this perverted shit? First a goat diddler and now a peeping Tom?” Nevi said with a look of disgust on her face.
“Probably the same guy.” I joked with her, but she was not amused.
“Fuck you, Onion, I do not peep on girls,” Vent-Guy said, peering down at us through the grate high up on the wall.
“You are one creepy bastard, but you know that don’t you, Vent-Guy?” I had my face scrunched up at him, “And why are you pissed at me, Nevi said it.”
Nevi slapped me upside the head, but I did not care because the look Vent-Guy gave her was totally worth it.
“She is too uptight to accuse people of fucking goats. Although she is sick enough to peep into the girl’s bathroom.” Vent-Guy said.
“Shut it! Only I get to make fun of Nevi. I irritatedly told him. “How did you know where it peeped into if you are not a peeping Tom?”
“Uh… Onion is a pussy!” Vent-Guy said, and I jumped up and slapped the vent.
Vent-Guy flinched, and then something amazing happened. The bastard must have slipped because I heard a lot of banging like he was bouncing off the sides of the venting ducts and a whole lot of screaming and swearing.
“Moving on…” Bob deadpanned, but I have no idea how he did not laugh at that. “Does that actually peep into the girl's restroom?”
“Yeah, it does.” Fungi said. “Anyone else freaked out that the Vent-Guy is stalking us?”
“It is weird,” Zingo said. “However, if Onion didn’t just kill him, and as long as he stays in the vent, who cares.”
“Not that anyone cares, but he is the duct, not the vent,” Bob muttered.
“Oh come on, I doubt I killed him, and if I did… good riddance,” I said shrugging at them.
“I think we should break into the girl’s restroom instead of risking the hallway,” Bob said, stealing a page from the book of What would Onion do?
“Not a horrible idea.” Nevi said. “Gives us options anyway.”
“I agree,” Alexa said.
“Ladies room it is.” Fungi said pulling out his wrench for demolition purposes. I was just glad that none of this was my idea for a change.
The wall came down quickly.
“As many walls as Onion takes down, I am starting to think we are a construction crew,” Zingo said.
“Hah! I had nothing to do with this wall.” I said defensively. “Wait is that a Village People joke?”
Zingo chuckled at me, but said nothing.
“You found the peephole.” Fungi said. “And you two having an inside joke is not cool.”
“Ok, I will give you that,” I told them, ignoring the inside joke comment. “But… it was not my idea to tear the wall down.”
After entering the restroom, we quickly inspected all five stalls to make sure nothing was hiding and waiting to jump out at us.
I took all the rolls of toilet paper, but could not say why. Bob looked at me curiously but said nothing. Random junk was a free for all and had no inherent value, so no one said anything.
“You ready to go kleptomaniac?” Bob asked.
I almost said yes.
“Flush the toilets,” I said to myself, but it was out loud.
“You ok dude?” Fungi questioned with a raised eyebrow.
“Yea, just some thing a friend told me. He said if I was ever in a bathroom to flush all the toilets.” The words sounded dumb when I heard them out loud.
“I think someone was screwing with you,” Bob said.
“Why are we hesitating? You all know we are going to do it.” Zingo popped off but was already walking towards one of the stalls.
“One day I am going to write a book on my travels with the Onion. This better be legit.” Fungi was shaking his head at me but moved to another stall.
“Whatever, but nothing bad better happen to us,” Our fearless leader said. “I got this stall, just say when.”
There were five stalls, so everyone moved into a stall except Nevi. I took the fifth stall and wondered what the hell was about to happen. “Flush on three.” My voice echoed in the confines of the bathroom. “One. Two. Three.”
I pushed the lever down and the toilet wooshed just like in real life, and I could see the whirlpool forming as the water tried to eject whatever was in the bowl. The groaning sound started off too soft to hear, but I felt the ground under my feet shaking. Then the rattling of pipes followed the strange noise coming from the toilets themselves.
The tiles on the wall in front of me started cracking, and each row, starting with the bottom one started recessing back into the wall. The toilet was in the middle of a large tile that took up the width of the stall, and the entire thing started sliding back into the wall.
I was too busy watching what was happening in front of me and did not pay attention what happened in the other stalls.
“Onion! What the fuck!?” Fungi yelled out, and I turned around and saw him standing there drenched and some brown gunk in his hair and on his clothes.
I could not help myself and started laughing. I managed to squeak out, “Don’t be a shithead.”
None of them were amused, except for Nevi. She was still clean and did not bother holding back her laughter, even snorted a few times. She ignored all the dirty looks, no pun intended.
“Seriously dude. How come you are dry?” Fungi said.
“Look,” I said stepping aside. The toilet had disappeared into the wall revealing a set of cement stairs covered in a dark, slimy material. Mold covered the sides of the wall, and I could hear water somewhere in the distance.
“Huh,” Bob said picking gunk out of his clothes.
“Oh fuck no. I am not going down there to fight some kind of Poop Panda. Hannah is enough beast for me.” Fungi said.
“Poop Panda?” Zingo said while he was washing himself off in the sink. He was already almost entirely clean; virtual living did have some perks.
“He is crawling down into a toilet hole. Be my guest and join him.” Fungi said.
“Ok man, chill out. We get it.” Bob turned and looked at me with a straight face and said. “Why is he so bob-noxious?”
Our serious Bob, the man without much of a sense of humor, had just told a horrible pun, and he was chuckling at his own cleverness. The unhinge
d Bob seemed to have disappeared, and Zingo, Fungi, and I laughed along with him.
“Holy shit, did you just cross to our side brother?” Fungi said laughing, his mock rage already forgotten.
“Great. Just great.” Nevi said in her no fun, way. She was way too serious, which further led me to believe she is a CEO. I had no intention on divulging that to Varil, at least as long as she remained an ally.
“Go ahead Onion, all you.” Bob gestured down the stairs. “I doubt anything will see you. Just let us know if it is clear.”
“I’ll go with him,” Alexa said, and her normally emotionless face had a glow of excitement to it.
“Sure, but hang back a few paces just in case,” I told her, and I carefully descended the steps into the sparsely lit hallway. There were overhead lights, but the moisture and mold broke a lot of them.
It was the smell that got to me the most. I was not a huge fan of mold, and my nose started tickling the moment I descended the stairs. Despite Fungi’s reservations, it did not smell like feces, but more like a dank cave.
The muck underfoot was slick and squished out from under my foot as I put weight on it. My hand stayed along the wall, feeling the slimy texture, but I needed the wall to keep my balance. I tried not to think too hard about what my feet and hands were touching, but a creeping disgust was filling my thoughts anyway.
The walk felt longer than it was, because of how slow we had to move. But maybe thirty yards in we came to the end of the tunnel, and before us was a rotted door. It had fallen off its hinges and rested against the jamb, blocking the view ahead. The door itself had swelled which also caused it to warp. I touched it and felt it give away like pudding.
“What do you think?” I kept my voice low as I turned to ask Alexa.
“Looks legit.” She said, and I choked back laughter in case something was in there listening.
“I need to watch you, we are rubbing off on you too much,” I told her and grabbed the handle of the door and pulled. The entire handle and parts of the door came free, but the door remained an obstacle. I peered through the hole and saw a clean well lit circular room, but no monsters that I could see. “You want to do the honors?”