Office Wars: Bathroom Politics

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Office Wars: Bathroom Politics Page 14

by James Patton


  The health loss was an accumulation of all the cuts I had received, and the worst of them was my leg. It was a decent size gash, but nothing crippling. I did find myself favoring it a little as I walked towards the ladder.

  Fungi had stopped half way up the ladder, and the kid was below him urging him onward. Rather than fight with the kid, Fungi grabbed him by the back of the shirt and lifted him up and let him grab the rungs above him. I saw the kid quickly scurry up the rest of the ladder while Fungi continued to scan for me.

  I jogged toward the ladder, still favoring my leg, but I saw Fungi’s look turn to one of horror. I turned around and saw the silver tipped claws ripping through the foam. It had freed itself in the few seconds I took to watch and knew I was not going to make it.

  No fucking way!

  “Hurry up Onion!” Fungi roared down to me.

  Hannah focused in on Fungi, and it charged through the cubicles as if they were not there. I ducked as pieces of broken desks flew at me, but not before I saw it leap and score the wall next to Fungi.

  “Climb you fat ass!” I shouted at him. “I’ll find another way.”

  Not giving him the chance to jump down and run, I ducked back down the aisle I came from and moved quickly to our original safe point. The best plans never survive an encounter, as the saying goes.

  Fuck that. I thought.

  Chapter 9

  Snack Cakes

  Fungi flinched as the beast’s attack and required no more urging to climb the rest of the way up. I was back a safe distance and searched for anything that could help me get the hell out. I thought about just sneaking past, but my stealth indicator was telling me I was no longer invisible. I had no idea how that happened unless its perception was now higher than mine.

  That was a scary thought.

  Looking up towards the balcony where my Pact was looking down searching for me, I noticed something that gave me an idea. I retraced our steps, and as I passed the break room, I heard giggling. I checked to make sure I was still invisible and then tried to convince myself to keep going. I failed my persuasion check because I walked up to break room to take a look.

  A little girl with long brown hair was not far from the door, and a little boy sat on a chair behind her his hands on a broken table, and he looked distraught.

  It was the girl that drew most of my attention because she was standing over the body of what looked like a player. She reached down and took a green Popsicle from his hand.

  “Want some more Popsicle?” She asked still giggling at the dead man. “Oops did I forget to tell you it was poison.” She pouted as she picked up the dead man’s hand and let it go. It fell limply to the ground. “No fair, you are already dead.”

  She giggled again, and chills went up and down my spine.

  What the fuck? I thought to myself, and she turned to look my way. I am pretty confident she did not see me, but she scared me more than Hannah.

  She looked back at the boy, and I moved down the hall as quickly as I could. I heard her her voice one last time before I rounded another turn.

  “C’mon little bro, I’ll find whoever took your Snack Cake. You can count on it.”

  The first fucker that pisses me off is- No, scratch that. I am going to leave that Snack Cake on a chair in the lounge, whoever wants it can have it. I am not taking the chance that she finds me with it.

  I rushed back through the hallways and made it to where we had first come into this area. The office was untouched, and the hatch was still open.

  There was enough furniture to do what I needed. First I dragged the desk over and stood it on its end against the wall. Then I found whatever I could to stack in front of it to get on top of the desk.

  Pushing the drop ceiling tiles aside, I saw that the actual ceiling rose almost another twenty or thirty feet.

  Jackpot! I told myself and even did a little happy dance. I was positive that the height of the real ceiling coincided with the height of the ceiling in Hannah’s playpen.

  Perception +1. Your Perception is now 33.

  Cognitive +1. Your Cognitive is now 16.

  The desk was right up against the vent, and with the drop ceiling tile out of the way, I could see the air duct went straight up another ten feet or so and made a ninety degree turn.

  There were wires anchored to the I-beams on either side of the duct and then they attached to the ductwork at regular intervals. The duct provided a surface to walk across, and the wires gave it the appearance of a rope bridge. At certain points along the path, a duct would head down into a room below. It looked sturdy, and I hoped it could hold me.

  The side of the duct that went straight down into the room I was currently in had protruding edges where the sections of duct were sealed together. They were about two feet apart but close enough to create a type of ladder I could climb.

  The climb was straightforward. However, once on top it swayed horribly, and I started to doubt my course of action. The duct was even bending under my weight in places, forcing me to pause where the duct disappeared down into the drop ceiling below. These locations were the most sturdy, and the wires attached on both sides of these sections, giving it even more support.

  During one of these rests, I noticed the ductwork swaying ahead of me. I was not moving, so I was not causing it.

  Shit! Vent-Guy. I silently cursed my luck.

  “Who is in my vent?” A shrill voice screamed, and it was made worse by the echoing of the metal duct.

  Guess the son of a bitch was still alive after all. I was not about to answer him and held very still. Maybe the proximity of my group was close enough to help me remain hidden, or hopefully other contenders. However, I could not sense my Pact through the brand, so I doubted it. I did lower myself into a squat to keep my center of balance low.

  “Oh, clever little bastards are on my vent. Speak, or I will shake you off!”

  True to his word the Vent-Guy shook vigorously back and forth and had I been in the middle somewhere I would have fallen. The shaking failed to produce results, and I heard it beating something against the ductwork and saw small dents appear in the metal. Dammit, he was trying to cut through, and I had to scoot past before that happened.

  Not one to hesitate I shot forward and as fast as I could and made it to the next supported section. Then before I could second guess it, I moved to the next. And the next.

  The entire duct was swaying dangerously now. There was nothing I could do except pause.

  “I know where you are; I am coming for you now you blood sponge!” Vent-Guy shouted, and I thought I heard him wrong.

  What the fuck was a blood sponge?

  Only one way to stop the son of a bitch, but I worried it would send the entire duct crashing to the ground. I made it to another supported section and stomped down hard on the unsupported section I just passed. I heard the screech and rending of metal, which sounded like a good thing to me. I heel stomped a few more times, and my side of the duct tore away. The cheap screws holding the two sides together snapped, and the metal bent as the duct drooped.

  The metal started groaning on the other side, and I watched as one by one the cheap screws snapped, and the heads flew away like little missiles. The section of duct no longer had enough support, and all the remaining screws snapped at once. The section dropped, and plunged through the drop ceiling below. It landed in the hallway and I could hear contenders cursing. I was no longer paying attention to what was happening down there, because the open duct revealed Vent-Guy and he was not happy.

  “Onion, you turpentine mutant motherfucker! I should have known it was you.”

  Vent-Guy was in a section of the vent that had no support, and it should have fallen with the other piece.

  “How the hell did that thing hold you up?” I asked, grabbing onto the wires to balance myself. “And what the fuck is a blood sponge or a turpentine mutant?”

  “Really dude? It's a fucking virtual world, and you are concerned about how a vent can hold my we
ight?”

  “Well, you look rather large and pale, like the biggest albino rat I have ever seen.”

  “Aww Onion that is the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me,” Vent-Guy stated. “I forgive you your trespasses.”

  “Are you for real right now?” I asked confused.

  “Fuck no, you damned idiot. I am totally going to kill you.” Vent-Guy brandished a spoon which made me laugh.

  “Whatever dude, and a blood sponge?”

  “Look, stop judging me prick. So I can’t be witty like the almighty Onion and come up with clever insults.”

  “You have some serious issues goat fucker,” I said testing my weight as I prepared to move along.

  “I don’t fuck goats! I’m going to smear your ass with my goat cheese.” Vent-Guy retorted.

  “Idiot,” Vent-Guy said in his other creepy voice and started to slap himself in the face.

  “No. I mean your junk smells like goat cheese. Argh, fuck you.”

  “I have no idea what to even do with that. You sure you weren’t dropped on your head as a baby?” I backed away as I said it, not sure what was wrong with this guy. The crazy thing is when the other guy spoke I could have sworn I briefly saw a name tag.

  “There you go being clever again ass hat,” Vent-Guy said.

  “Good, now stop there. You do not have to be clever, just keep the damn insult simple. Do you want to freak people out? Just spy in on them and whisper shit like ‘I am going to kill you’ and leave it at that. You are creepy as shit and should play to your strengths.”

  “Really?”

  “Yeah man.”

  You received Saint points.

  “Dammit man, how am I going to hate you when you helped a brother out?” Vent-Guy asked.

  “I’m sure I can make you hate me again goat fucker.”

  To my surprise, Vent-Guy just laughed.

  “Alright Onion, you did me a solid. I will return the favor. You are going to have to crawl into the duct; you will not make it across that large open section out there on top. There is little support out there, and game mechanics being what they are, crawling inside the duct is kind of a glitch. If you do not see the support, then the system assumes its heavily supported.”

  “That is… are you pulling my leg?”

  “Nope, I was serious, you aren’t such a bad sort. Thanks for the advice.”

  “Thanks, man. Sorry about calling you a goat fucker.” I told him, and now I did feel guilty. Vent-Guy seemed kind of sad in a lonely pathetic kind of way.

  “It was not goat porn; I work on the floor above here in the labs. We are using goats and splicing their DNA. I just did not want anyone to get my research.”

  “And the Furry thing?”

  “Uh, guilty pleasure?”

  “To each their own I suppose. You have a name?”

  “Rickster.”

  “Uh no, your name is Rick or Ricky.”

  “Cool, yea I am Ricky,” Vent-Guy said.

  Charisma +1. Charisma is now 15.

  “Alright Ricky, see you around, gotta catch up with my group.”

  “Yup, see you upstairs. It looks like I am taking a long way since you kicked out the ductwork, but it's cool.”

  “Sorry about that, but you were trying to kill me.”

  “True. Tell you what, avoid any lab with goat testing. Trust me. You do not want to get caught in that area. The goats adhere to pack mentality, and they put little Hannah to shame. If you only see a single goat, be afraid.”

  “Damn,” I said. “What kind of shit did you splice the goat DNA with?”

  “The question is what didn’t we splice it with.” He replied. “Spider-Goats are the worst.”

  “Who the hell would cross a goat and spider DNA? That is pure id-.” I stopped myself. We were about to head into his territory, and I did not want to be on his bad side. “Genius. I assume they are for military purposes?”

  “Naw. Just wanted to produce lots of spider silk enzymes. Seemed like an excellent idea until they evolved or mutated on their own. Now it just seems idiotic, and I wonder why no one stopped me.” He told me, and I could not help but grin at Ricky.

  “Ok Ricky, I will see you upstairs.”

  “Catch,” Vent-Guy said, and tossed the spoon at me. I grabbed it but almost fell to the ground below.

  Ricky’s Silver Spoon

  Unique Quest Item

  Unlock the reward by killing something with it and Ricky will reward you with something special.

  Damage: Negligible.

  Word of Advice: Here we go again, asshole.

  I thought you quit, you ass. I admonished whatever AI was filling in those messages.

  “Don’t lose that. Or I really will find you and kill you with a spoon.” Ricky the Vent-Guy told me interrupting my line of thought. I had to smile at his confidence, but when I looked up, he was gone.

  The metal flap that had attached to the other duct was in my way, so I bent the over and into the duct. I did not want to cut myself. Then I stepped down onto the bottom edge of the opening, but I was not sure how I was going to pull this off. There was not enough room to turn around. I squatted down holding onto the wires to take a peek inside the duct and saw the down shaft.

  There were roughly six inches of duct before the down shaft, and I could sit down and drop my legs inside. If I misjudged my strength, I had no idea where I would end up, but I could not imagine it would bode well for me. I sat down, letting my legs dangle into the dark opening that dropped into who knows where. My knuckles were white from gripping the wires, and I was afraid to let go.

  I pushed my legs apart, trying to brace myself, and grabbed the top of the duct. I let the rest of my body slide down inside the down shaft, and my feet slipped. My back smashed against the edge of the duct, and I gasped in pain almost releasing my grip.

  You lost 5% health. Damage received from the environment. You are now at 89% health.

  On the positive side, I was regaining some health from before, but on the negative, I was losing more health from environmental hazards than I was gaining back. Oh and I am hanging from a duct about to fall to my death, there is that.

  “You gut berry, why are you still here?” A voice said from below me.

  “What did I tell you about your put downs, how does ‘gut berry’ make any sense. Stick with shithead, or ass hat, butthead, bastard, and so on.”

  “Yea, yea. I get it. Hold on dumbass, better?”

  “Yes, much, and what are you doing?”

  “Helping your worthless ass out,” Ricky told me, and I heard him coming up the shaft below me.

  “How did you get here?”

  “Went down to the next floor and came back up. You are on the only path to the floor above. Pull your feet up real fast.”

  Man am I glad I made peace with this guy, and I did as he asked.

  “Great, now put them down slowly and do not kick me in the face.” Again I followed his direction and felt something solid below me. “Good. Now slowly put your weight on me, but be ready in case I slip.”

  Well, that did not inspire confidence, but I did as he said. Until my hands were no longer holding me up, and then I squatted on the Vent-Guy and wiggled myself the rest of the way inside. It was a little bit awkward, but I managed to lean forward and get myself pointed head first into the duct. Then I climbed off Ricky and slid forward until all of me was laying on the flat surface.

  Strength +1. Strength is now 10.

  Toughness is now active.

  “Damn man, that was some clumsy ass shit,” Ricky snorted. “But at least you are in the duct I guess. Now fucking move forward so I can climb out because I cannot hang here forever.”

  “Oh shit man, sorry,” I said and moved forward another six feet or so.

  “No worries, now move to the right and think small. I am going to slide by, and you can take your time being a pussy.” Ricky said, and for the first time since I met the guy, I laughed with him.

  “That
is what I am talking about asshole. You got this.” I cheered him on as he slid by me.

  After he had passed me, he looked back. “Was that genuine?”

  “It was, that was funny. Like I said, keep it simple, and you’ll be a pro in no time.”

  “I take it back Onion; you are a good dude.”

  “No problem, hey I have a favor,” I told him my plan on the next floor, and by the time we finished talking, no one would have ever guessed that not even fifteen minutes ago we were about to kill each other.

  “Your friends are right; you are crazy. I like it.” Ricky said chuckling all the way down the duct as he took off. I noticed as he moved, the duct never swayed once.

  The duct was dark as shit, and I had no way to tell how far I had gone. I figured out I was above Hannah’s area when the down shafts stopped, but I was not sure where it would go from here. In hindsight, I should have asked Ricky for more details.

  I used the Night Vision Goggles at one point, but they were about useless. It was when I felt the burning sensation in my chest that I grew hopeful. My team was nearby, and I could sense them ahead of me, which spurred me to crawl faster.

  Speed +1. Speed is now 21.

  Once I realized they were directly above me, I knew I had crossed over into the safe area, but now how to get out. I smashed my head into the wall of a duct in front of me.

  You lost 2% health and gained the dazed status for three seconds. Damage received from the environment. You are now at 88% health.

  “Fuck,” I muttered rubbing my head and pulled out the goggles to see what the hell was going on. I had reached a T intersection, and the duct went left or right. Down the right side was more darkness, but to the left, I saw light. It was faint, and I could always come back if it was a false trail.

  The further I went left the lighter it became until I reached a point where the duct curved upward. If it had not curved, I might not have been able to crawl upward. At about my eye level, I was staring into the lounge, and I saw my group all staring intently over the railing into the area below. They knew I was near but did not have the directional beacon I did.

 

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