by Sandra Alex
“I’ll order a pizza.” I say to her under my breath. Greg is filling his face with food, like he’s coming down off a high. “Jesus Christ.” I say, dialling the number to the pizza place. Greg rises, as if waiting for me to get off the phone, and stands next to me as I place the order and give my credit card information, which annoys me, but they state that they don’t have the mobile devices yet, so I have to pre-pay.
I give him a sideways glance as I hang up. “What’s up, man?”
“Oh, nothing. I just wanted to say thanks again for sticking your neck out for me this week.”
“It’s no problem. Did you manage to get everything sorted out?”
“Yeah, I think so. Landlord is paid. Tina is paid. I used the last of the bread to get Shyla a birthday present. Sorry I’m eating like a pig here, but I haven’t had anything except crackers to eat.”
“That’s okay. I get it, man.” I pause. “Hey, have you been drinking at all?”
Greg’s face falls. “Yeah, man. My buddy brought a mickey of hooch over and we busted into it earlier.”
“Jesus Christ.” I murmur. “You were so close, man.” Everyone else is chatting amongst themselves, so nobody is listening. Kayla is listening to Brenda explain something about a challenge she’s having with the project, so she’s not listening to us, as we’re off to the side, in the kitchen.
About twenty minutes later, as the pizza arrives, I notice Kayla going off into her bedroom with her phone. My interest is piqued, but I have to take care of the pizzas, and I swear I saw Greg pull something out of his inside jacket pocket and drink from it. I’ll kill him if he’s got a flask full of booze with him. Once the pizza is looked after, I walk to Kayla’s room. Her door is wide open, so I know it’s okay to walk in, but I softly knock on the door to get her attention. She’s standing by the window, staring out of it.
“You’re right.” I open with. “Greg’s been drinking.”
She looks at me and her face is pale and blank. “Okay.” She licks her lips.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, but she interrupts me by lifting her hand.
“Please…I can’t.” she says, cutting me off. She draws in a deep breath and hands me her phone. There is a text message from her Nana Mary on it. It says simply, “It’s over. I’m dealing with the rest, Kayla. It’s the way your mother wanted it.”
“Let’s go.” I say, taking a step towards her. She takes a step back.
“Remember you told me to do what my mother wanted…well this is what she wants.”
My voice lowers an octave. “Kayla, I’m sure that isn’t what she means.”
Her hand is shaking as she rakes it through her hair. “We can’t leave these people in my house. Heather isn’t here. Greg is drunk. My mother would be so upset if she knew I was so irresponsible, and worse…that I didn’t do what she wanted.”
Kayla is in shock. She’s not thinking clearly. “Kayla, I can clear everyone out of here in five minutes.”
“No. Nana Mary said she’s dealing with it. There’s nothing left for me to do except show up to the funeral.”
“I don’t understand why she sent you a text message.”
“Oh, she called me first. When I hung up on her, that’s the message she sent.”
“Why did you hang up on her?”
“Because she told me that my mother was already gone and there was nothing more to be done. So there’s nothing more to be done.”
I shake my head. I’ve never seen Kayla this cold before. “Kayla, we need to go. I’m sure Mary didn’t mean what you’re thinking she meant.”
“Sure, she did.” Kayla’s arms cross over her chest defiantly.
“Okay, Kayla, sweetheart, I’ve heard enough. I’m clearing everyone out and we’re going to the hospital.”
Her voice changes to anger. “She’s not at a hospital. She died in her sleep, Daniel.” Her teeth bare together. “In a couple of hours, the morgue will pick her up, and the funeral will be tomorrow. That’s what my mother wanted. That’s what she’s getting.” Her eyes are wild with hatred.
“Kayla, baby, please. Let’s go.” I say, rubbing her arm.
She recoils away from me. “No!” her chest is heaving. We hear footsteps in the hallway. It’s Brenda.
“Guys…um…is everything okay?”
I look at Brenda while holding Kayla’s arms, as if keeping her in place. “Brenda, do me a favor and send everyone home, please. Give Greg a ride, too. Kayla’s had a family emergency and we have to leave immediately.”
“Sure, no problem.” Brenda nods.
I stand there, looking into Kayla’s eyes, as if my gaze will keep her together in the moments while everyone departs. Her eyes are like stone, as if she’s looking right through me. Once the door closes and the house is silent, I sweep her hair off her shoulder and skate my thumbs across her temples. “Everything is going to be okay. We’ll deal with this together.”
As I continue sliding my thumbs and fingers across her temples and over her ears, her eyes close instinctively. When they open, her lip quivers. Her voice is a whisper. “She died alone, Daniel.” Her voice cracks.
I kiss her forehead and whisper. “She was asleep, baby. It’s the best parting she could ask for.”
A tear falls down her cheek. “I wasn’t there with her.”
“Most people aren’t, sweetie.” I’m swaying with her slightly. Our faces are so close that we’re almost nose-to-nose.
“But she’s been doing so well, Daniel. I don’t understand.”
“Sometimes the body gets a bit better when it’s ready to completely shut down. It’s common.” I kiss her forehead again. Both of our eyes are closed as we softly sway together.
“What am I going to do without her?” her voice cracks again. I wrap my arms around her and hold her close.
“We’ll deal with it together, baby. One day at a time.” I whisper into her ear. She doesn’t sob, instead, she gently pushes me away.
“We have to go, Daniel.” She wipes the tears from her face and trots to the door. It’s almost frightening. But it’s definitely heartbreaking. She won’t allow herself to break. She won’t allow herself to feel. It’s like she knows there is work to be done, when there’s not. The poor girl is so used to running to her mother the second she gets a call. This is going to take a lot of getting used to for her.
And I’m going to be by her side every step of the way.
Chapter 18
Kayla
She looks so beautiful. Like she’s having the most restful sleep of her life. And I guess, in a way, she is. I have to touch her face to make sure that she’s real. Her skin is cool to the touch. There is no oxygen mask by her side, and no wheelchair in wait. Her hair is as tidy as it was the last time I saw her. She must have been napping, because mom is still fully clothed. Nana Mary says nothing, but she purses her lips into a grateful smile. No mother should outlive her daughter, and I can’t even imagine how awful and painful this must be for her. But it looks like she’s taking it in stride.
Daniel is standing next to me, holding my hand.
“She went the most peaceful way, honey.” Nana Mary says softly, draping a lock of hair over mom’s ear. “She didn’t feel a thing.” She sighs. “I’ve been praying for her to have a painless, peaceful departure. And God answered my prayers.” Nana’s voice doesn’t crack, and I look at her. She pinches her lips into a smile. I mirror her expression. Daniel squeezes my hand. I swallow and look at him. He’s wearing the same expression as the two of us.
“I should start making calls.” I say.
“I’ve already sent a message to everyone I know, darling.” Nana says. “The funeral home will be here shortly, so let’s say our goodbyes and…let them do their job.”
“I’ll give you two some privacy.” Daniel says, releasing my hand.
“Daniel, sweetheart, you don’t have to leave.” Nana says.
I take his hand back in mine. He lifts it and gives the back of my hand a kiss.
Bending down, I give my mom a kiss on the cheek. “I love you, mom. I’ll always love you. Even when I’m a hundred years old, you’ll always be my mom. And I’ll always love you and remember how strong, brave, unselfish and wonderful you always were. I’ll always strive to make you proud, and I’ll always be faithful to the things you raised me to be faithful to. Rest, mom.”
I wipe the tears from my cheeks, one by one, and kiss her cheek again. “Goodbye, mom.”
Taking a step back, Daniel’s hand rests on my waist, and he stands there as if he’s ready to hold me up if needed. Nana’s expression hasn’t wavered. She’s still got that warm smile. It’s as if she’s at peace herself. She bends over and kisses mom’s other cheek. “I love you, darling.” Is all she says, but she remains by her side for a moment longer, like she’s telepathically conveying a message. “Okay,” she sighs. “Let’s let her rest.”
I nod. Daniel’s hand is in mine again. Nana tells me that she’s already got a picture of mom that mom picked out a long time ago, to go on an easel, that will be displayed at the funeral. With that, we bid Nana adieu. The funeral home had a spot in two days’ time, so we took it, and arranged for her to be cremated in the meantime. Heather was crushed but so sick she could barely talk, so it was a rather short conversation. Bless her, she asked if there was anything she could do for me, even though she’s so sick. All I said was that I hoped she was well enough to come to the funeral. She promised me she would if she had to come in a stretcher.
After making a few more phone calls, Daniel makes me an herbal tea with honey, and we sit on the couch together. He lets me lay down while he rubs my feet again, like he did earlier. “God, I never thought that would feel so incredible.” I say.
“Have you ever had a foot massage before today?”
“Not as good as this.” I state with closed eyes.
“Are you hungry? I don’t think you even ate anything for dinner.” Daniel says.
“A little bit. Did the gang eat any of that pizza?”
“No. Do you want me to warm a few slices up?”
“If you’re going to warm some up for yourself.”
After we eat and clean up, I stand by the counter, off into space. Daniel comes to my side and places his hand on my waist. “You need anything?”
I break myself out of my reverie. “No. You should get going, shouldn’t you? Do you have a shift at the hospital in the morning?”
“I cancelled it.”
“You didn’t have to do that.” I whine. “You’ve done so much already.”
“Hey, listen, I’ve put in so many hours I’m so far ahead of myself. I can afford to take a month off if I felt so inclined.”
I give him a look that says ‘thank you’ and he gives me a chaste kiss on the lips. His arms wrap around my waist as he pulls me close to him. My arms snake around his neck. “I’m really sorry about your mom, Kayla.” He whispers into my ear.
Tears prick the backs of my eyes, and it’s like those words give me permission to let go. My arms hold him tighter and he pulls me closer. I worry I’m choking him, but his grip doesn’t move. I gasp and sob and blubber into him, like he opened a floodgate. Snot is running down my face onto his neck, down his shirt, and it doesn’t stop until I feel him gasp. At first, I think that maybe I am choking him, so I pull back. Through my blurred, reddened eyes, I see that tears are running down his cheeks.
“Daniel…oh my God, are you crying too?” I gasp, disbelieving. I’ve never seen a man cry. I didn’t know that they could even do that.
His voice cracks. “Well, yeah.” He wipes his cheek with his hand. “I mean, I knew your mom, too, and…” he gasps. “I kind of feel your pain, you know,” his voice raises an octave. “I love you, Kayla. You’re my best friend. You mean everything to me.”
Those words bring on another wave of emotion. I pull him close and hold him tight. “I love you, too, Daniel.” I gasp, squeezing the back of his neck with my hand. He buries his head in my neck and kisses the flesh playfully, giving me another quick embrace, and then he pulls back.
“You better not ever tell my brother that I cried in front of a girl.”
“I’m getting too much dirt on you, Daniel.” I chuckle, which sounds ridiculous, because my nose is plugged. It sounds more like a snort. The sound gets a laugh out of him, and then it’s contagious. We’re laughing, and then Daniel grabs me and hugs me close, sighing into my neck.
“You want me to stay over?” he asks, as if he knows I don’t want to be left alone.
“Yeah. Is that okay?”
He shrugs. “I wouldn’t have asked otherwise. I’ve got a change of clothes in my car.”
“Sleepover supply.” I say.
“I’ll be right back.”
Ten minutes later, I’m laying in bed while Daniel is brushing his teeth. I didn’t realize how exhausted I was until I hit the sheets. By the time he’s in my room, I’m half asleep. “You want me on top of the covers?”
“Daniel, we might as well be sick again, because that’s how much I’m worried about you being under the covers.” I say groggily. My eyes are closed. Daniel lays next to me in his pyjamas, and spoons me the way that lovers do, only it’s completely innocent, out of love, to comfort me. I sleep better than I have in a long time.
…
The urn sits atop a rented casket, beside a ten by ten easel that holds the most hideous photo of my mother. I don’t even remember seeing it before. It doesn’t even look like her, frankly. The funeral director informs me that this is the one mom picked to be etched on her stone, too. I argued and he agreed to let me choose another one. Nana Mary agreed too.
The service is very short, and thank God for that. I can hear Heather and the two sneezy twins coughing and hacking from behind me. There is no reception after the service, but there is an intermittent at the cemetery. I’ve been chosen to walk behind mom’s casket, even though she isn’t in there. The pallbearers are people I don’t even recognize from my mom’s past. One could be my dad, but I don’t know. I don’t remember him, and mom only had their wedding photo of him.
As I walk behind the casket alone, I see people on either side of me, seemingly staring at me. My throat starts to feel tight. My lips go numb, and I’m gasping, trying not to cry but the lump in my throat is so large I can’t take it. As I walk past Daniel, Heather and my other friends, I can’t even look at them. My breath is in gasps. Daniel looks at me and squeezes his way past Heather, grabbing me by the waist.
“Breathe, Kayla.” He whispers to me under his breath. His hand strokes my back gently. “You can do this.”
I try to swallow, and I can’t. His arm wraps around my shoulders as he pulls me into him. “C’mon, Baby. I’m here. It’s okay.” He kisses my cheek. “Focus on breathing. That’s the only job you have. Never mind all these people. It’s just you and me.”
All I can think about is that my mom is gone. This is it. This is the last of it. In the next five minutes, this will be the last business I have to do with mom. I’ll never see her again. I’ll never get a call about her again. No bills to pay, no medical appointments. Nothing. No mom. Ever again. It’s so unnerving that I almost faint. Daniel has such a hold around me that I lean into him limply. “That’s it. We’re almost there. You can do it.” he whispers. The next ten minutes are a blur. I don’t remember anything except Daniel waking me up to tell me that we’re back at my place. Not a person giving condolences, not a word exchanged is in my memory. It’s like my mind blocked it all out.
He pushes on the button to undo my seatbelt. There is shuffling as I hear him get my house keys out of my purse. I hear him gently close the door and his soft footsteps up to the house, and then to my side of the car. The door opens and my eyes are slits. “I gotcha. Just relax.” He says, scooping me up into his arms. I close my eyes and lean into him, oblivious to everything. He doesn’t even bother to take my shoes off, he just lays me on the bed and pulls the covers from the other side of the bed, over
me. I feel him slide his hands under the covers to take my shoes off, and then he kisses my forehead before leaving the room and closing the door softly behind him.
When I awake, the house is silent. I wonder for a second if he’s left me alone. Then, as I get up out of bed, I see that there’s barely any daylight. I must have slept for hours. Opening the blinds, I look outside. Standing, staring out the window, my mind is still blank. I consider it a blessing. I’m numb. I don’t feel anything. And thank God for that. There’s a soft knock at the door. “Come in.”
“I thought I heard you pulling up your blinds.” He says softly, walking in. “You feel better? You were exhausted.”
“Yeah, thanks.” I yawn. “What have you been doing?”
“I made us something to eat. And I tidied your kitchen up. I called Christopher to let him know where I am. I haven’t been home since yesterday except to pick up my suit, and he wasn’t even home then. He was getting a little bit worried.” He chuckles softy. “Are you hungry?”
“That depends.” I purse my lips into a grin. “What did you make?”
He winks. “Come and see.”
I follow him into the kitchen, and I see that he’s made grilled cheese sandwiches. Totally killing our Keto diet for sure. “I know this is against the rules, but, I confess…this is my specialty.”
Taking a closer look, I see that he’s made the sandwiches with cheddar, feta and mozzarella cheese, sweet onions and Roma tomatoes. “Wow. These are gourmet grilled cheese sandwiches.” I say, impressed.
“They’re my favorite. And these are my go-to meal. Christopher’s been trying to nail them for a while, but he can’t get the feta to melt the way I can.” He pauses. “Sit. I’ll bring you a plate.”
Never in my life have I tasted grilled cheese sandwiches like these before. They’re my new favorite. “We’re screwed now.”