Whiskey Lullaby

by Keren Hughes

  It’s not like I actually own that much stuff. I’ve never really needed to. But there’s enough that I can’t do it all by myself.

  Standing in the living room, I look out at the front garden. The For Sale sign signifies the end of a chapter in my life, but also the beginning of another.

  I watch the boys pull up outside, then I open the door and stand aside as they walk in. They all seem to be smiling this morning, which I take as a good sign, a sign that they’ve come to accept my choice—or at least very nearly, if not fully quite yet.

  “Hey, bro, wanna give us a hand loading stuff into the van?”

  “Sorry, Ash, my head was elsewhere.”

  I grab a box and follow suit as they all take stuff out to the waiting van.

  “Have you got the essential stuff packed to take with you?” Evan asks.

  “Yeah, I think I have everything.”

  “Well if you don’t, you know it’s stuck on the van until we get there, right?”

  “I know, I know. I think I have everything, but if I don’t, it’s too late now.”

  “You have a few bits back at the new house anyway, don’t you? You know, tea, coffee, sugar, bread, butter … oh, and milk?”

  “Yeah, I did that the morning we flew back here, before we left Brookhaven.”

  “Good, good. You’ll probably have to do a full food shop, unless you want takeaways every night.”

  “I will once I’m a bit more settled in. I’m not daft, Ev.”

  “I know, you just … well, you’ve always been like a brother to me, to us, and it’s hard to believe you’ll be miles away from us.”

  “It’s not like we’ll never talk again, Ev. You make it sound like I’m leaving your lives, not just the neighbourhood.”

  “It’s not just the neighbourhood though, is it, bro? It’s hundreds of miles away, not five minutes’ walk from my house.”

  I put down the bag I’m holding and wrap an arm around his shoulders.

  “You, Julia and Jessa can come visit me any time you like. It’s an open invitation. And I’ll be back to visit when the new baby comes. Plus, you know Mum and Dad would never let me disappear.”

  “I know, man, I’ll just miss you.”

  He wraps me in a hug and doesn’t let go until I make a choking sound, and he breaks away laughing.

  We pack up the last of my things and everyone waits outside while I take a last look around the house.

  I open the back door and take in deep breaths of fresh air. Closing my eyes, I feel the sun’s warmth on my face and bask in it for a few moments.

  Locking the door, I leave the key on the side. The place will be locked up tight and the estate agent has viewings lined up already, so I’m sure it won’t be long until it gets sold. With one last look around the living room on my way out, I sigh deeply before making my way out of the front door and locking up.

  I hand the key to Jude, and he promises to get it to the estate agent as soon as he’s seen me off.

  I can’t believe I’m really doing this. It’s really happening. I’m actually leaving this place and starting afresh. A myriad of emotions washes through me as I walk to the van. Evan is dropping me at the airport before driving with the rest of my belongings.

  ***

  Two weeks later

  This last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster. I’m fully settled in my new home, all my belongings safe and sound with me, thanks to Evan.

  I’ve spoken to my mum every day. She and Dad will be visiting in a couple of weeks when Dad can get time off work. He’s still not keen on the fact that I’ve moved away or that I won’t be going into the family business now that I’ve—and I quote—quit playing around with my guitar and become a grown-up.

  He accepted me being in the band, accepted I made good money from it, but when it came to the crunch, he still always believed it was just a hobby and that I’d grow up eventually and follow in his footsteps.

  I didn’t know that until Mum told me during one of our nightly conversations. I mean, I knew he hadn’t liked me not having the same passion for his career as he does, but I thought he’d begrudgingly accepted my choice. Obviously, I was wrong.

  I should feel happier than this. I do feel happy, I just feel empty at the same time. I’ve never needed anyone else to make me feel whole, I’ve always been happiest alone. But then I met Caleigh, and everything changed in the blink of an eye. Of course, I’m not reliant on her to be able to find happiness, but now that I’ve tasted what life can be like when you’re in love … well, now I know that there’s a part of me missing, the best part. Caleigh Rae Flynn. She’s the final piece of the jigsaw that would make me feel complete.

  I never knew real love until I met her. Never knew that love was something I even wanted. But now that it’s missing, it feels like there’s this huge hole in my life, in my heart: a deep, dark, gaping black void.

  I should also be happy that the last album I recorded with the boys is about to be released. The iTunes version of the album will contain a previously unreleased song, a song that will be unavailable anywhere else: “The One That Got Away”. I don’t know how to feel about that. I should be happy it’s on the album, but there’s this niggling thought that it was something personal. I wrote about someone I loved and lost, and I’m still not one hundred per cent sure I want the world at large to hear it.

  Why do thoughts of Caleigh consume me so? I should know by now that she doesn’t want me. The last time we were together, she made it abundantly clear it was a mistake, one not to be repeated. I don’t agree in the slightest, but it takes two people to make a relationship work and only one to break it.

  I’m not stupid. I know I was the one that broke it, but it’s Caleigh that’s keeping me at arm’s length now. She won’t allow me the opportunity to repent for my mistake, to make it up to her for as long as it takes. But even knowing she doesn’t want me doesn’t shake my love for her. I fear nothing will, and that any relationship I subsequently end up in will pale in comparison.

  Lying on the oversized, luxurious couch I felt the need to splurge on—after all, who wants to be uncomfortable sitting there day after day—I cradle Bess to me and strum a few chords. The boys were right. Music is in my veins, and it will never fully leave me.

  Before I realise it, I’m playing Caleigh’s song. My heart pangs with longing as a tear falls down my cheek.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Caleigh

  To say this last couple of weeks have been hectic would be an understatement. I was lucky in my search for a house to rent, so it’s been madness trying to get everything moved in before Hardin starts at his new school.

  Rhiannon and Lewis helped us out with the move, as did Mum and Dad. It was a wrench saying goodbye to my parents, knowing they won’t be just a couple of doors away anymore, but we have weekends and school holidays for visits.

  It’s Hardin’s first day at school, and all I can say is I’m glad he has Luna with him. It’s only natural as a parent to worry, but I’m sitting here biting my nails, waiting on edge until it’s time to go and fetch him.

  I’m sure he’s okay, but I can’t help but wonder if I did the wrong thing, tearing him away from all his old friends, his teachers, his grandparents. Will he get used to the way of life out here? Will he make new friends at school or feel like an outsider?

  The radio plays in the background and I hear the DJ announce the release date of Whiskey Lullaby’s new album. It’s due out next week.

  I can’t help the pain I feel in my chest, knowing he’s out there, possibly quitting the band after this album is released.

  Knowing he’ll be in town soon after that hurts more though. So close, yet so far. How will I react if I bump into him in the street? My new house isn’t exactly that far away from his; he lives between me and Rhiannon, close to Hardin’s school. So, it isn’t implausible that I might bump into him somewhere along the way. Whether it’s in the street, at the supermarket or the farmer’s market�
�though from what I remember he can barely cook, so he might not be there—or if I’m out with Rhiannon one evening. Will I even be able to look him in the eye?

  My watch beeps, alerting me that it’s time to fetch Hardin. I grab a light cardigan and my handbag before locking up and making the short walk to the school.

  As I pass what’s now Brent’s house, I realise I’ll need to find another route to and from school so that I don’t have to pass by this place four times a day.

  “Caleigh,” a familiar voice calls from up ahead.

  My head snaps up and I meet the gaze of the very person I wished to avoid, the one I thought I’d have more time before seeing. I didn’t even think he was here yet. What’s he doing here so soon?

  “Caleigh, please?” he calls as I cross to the other side of the street.

  I almost break my neck as I go over on my ankle as I try to walk faster, but I embrace the pain and keep moving. He calls out once more, but I increase my speed and turn the corner at the end of the road. As I slow down, the pain in my ankle begins to really throb, but nevertheless, I can’t be late to fetch Hardin, so I forge onwards.

  As I arrive at the school gates, the bell rings and a sea of children spill from their classrooms. I see Hardin standing by Mrs. Buckle’s classroom, waiting for the teacher to spot me before letting him go. Once she sees me, she waves and lets Hardin go. He runs over to me, chattering so excitedly I can barely keep up.

  We hold hands and Hardin skips happily along beside me. It isn’t until I get to the corner of the road that I realise I intended to find a new way home, and now that Brent appears to already be here, I need to find it sooner rather than later. But I don’t have time to explore, so I take a few deep breaths and stand tall. I can walk past his house without breaking into a sweat, or worse, bursting into tears. Though the pain in my ankle makes me want to shed a few tears.

  I try to walk quickly past his house, but the best I manage is hobbling. Hardin asks why I’m walking so funny, so I tell him I hurt my foot on the way to the school, but I don’t tell him why.

  “Hey, Mummy, look. It’s Brent.”

  Oh shit. As if my afternoon isn’t bad enough as it is.

  “Hi, Brent.”

  “Hello, Hardin,” he replies as he comes to a stop in front of us.

  He’s so close I can smell his aftershave. Damn, he smells so good.

  “Hello, Caleigh, it’s nice to see you both.”

  “I’ve just been to school. It was my first day. I had Mrs. Buckle. She’s very nice.”

  “Come now, Hardin, we don’t want to take up too much of Brent’s time,” I say as I go to walk away.

  “Oh no, not at all. I’m free as a bird. So, Hardin, your first day, hey? What did you do?”

  “Well, Mrs. Buckle made me stand up and tell everyone my name. They were all very nice, and we played games at break time.”

  “That’s good. You’re making friends already.”

  “Yeah, there’s one boy who wasn’t very nice, but Mummy always said if anyone is mean, kill them with kindness.”

  “Oh, did she? And how do you do that?”

  “Even when they’re mean to you, you be nice to them. Eventually, they’ll stop being so mean.”

  “Well that does work, you know. I once had a boy bully me, and I was nothing but nice back. He got bored of picking on me and you know what? Now he’s one of my best friends.”

  “Really?” Hardin asks excitedly.

  “Oh yes. Evan is one of my closest friends and plays in the band that I was in.”

  “You mean Evan Winslow? Mummy told me about the band. Well, a bit anyway. The story she told me was mainly—”

  I glare down at Hardin and he closes his mouth.

  “Was mainly what?” Brent asks, a quizzical look on his face.

  “We really should be going. Lots to do. Come on, Hardin.”

  “Okay, Mummy. Bye, Brent.”

  “Bye, Hardin, I’m sure I’ll see you again. See that house just there?” He points ahead of him, making Hardin look round. “That’s my house.”

  “You live here now? I thought you moved around lots with the band?”

  “I did, but I’m no longer part of the band anymore. I left a couple of weeks ago.”

  “Really? Why?”

  “Hardin Flynn, you ask too many questions.”

  “It’s fine, Caleigh. I, umm … I wanted to settle down somewhere. I wanted a place to call home.”

  “Won’t you miss your friends?”

  “I will, but I’ll still see them. They’ll visit me here and I’ll visit them sometimes.”

  “So, the whole band will come to your house?” Hardin asks, barely able to contain his excitement.

  “Oh yes.”

  Hardin bounces on the balls of his feet and claps his hands. “Can I meet them?”

  Brent must see the hard look in my eyes, because his next words are chosen carefully.

  “Maybe. We’ll have to see what your mummy says when they come round next.”

  “I’m sorry, Brent, but we really must be going.”

  I tug on Hardin’s hand, and his face falls as he waves goodbye.

  ***

  “I’m telling you, Rhi, it was planned. He was in the street when we came home. I can’t see a reason to bump into him accidentally twice. Once is just coincidental timing; twice is a careful plan. And he kept talking to Hardin, knowing how excitable he is.”

  “Honey, you’re going to see him around. You’ll have to get used to it. Perhaps you can learn to be polite while escaping too much conversation.”

  “Hell, no, I’m looking up a new route to school.”

  “Caleigh Rae Flynn, since when were you such a coward?”

  “Since he broke my goddamn heart.”

  “Honey, we all have exes. We’re all destined to bump into one every now and then.”

  “Every now and then? Rhi, he lives a stone’s throw from me. I should have looked for another house, but I didn’t have long enough, I had to get the studio up and running instead of paying dead rent on it.”

  “And you’ve done that. But you can’t look for somewhere else to live if you don’t have gainful employment. When your studio is bursting at the seams, then you can look to buy a place further away from Brent, but within walking distance of the school.”

  “You have too much confidence in me.”

  “No, I have just enough. Maybe even not enough. But you’re distracting me from the point at hand.”

  “Am not,” I reply defiantly, with a hand on my cocked hip, as if she can see me.

  “Caleigh, honey, it’s really quite simple, all you have to do is grow up.”

  “Rude.”

  “Rude, but true, nonetheless. You’re acting like a teenager whose boyfriend dumped her, but you live in the neighbourhood, so you have no choice but to see him.”

  “Maybe I am being petulant, but my point is still valid. He staked it out, waited until we returned. I can’t pass his house four times a day.”

  “How could he have known you’d be back so soon? Do you think he followed you to the school and hid in the bushes? Then he sprang out at you on your way home because he’s a stalker?”

  “That’s not what I’m saying.”

  “Then how did he know to wait outside until you returned? Do you think he put a tracker on your phone last time he saw you?”

  “Now you’re just being stupid. That’s not what I think at all. But it’s a bit too big of a coincidence. How do you not think the same?”

  “Because coincidences don’t arouse my suspicion. He could have been walking back from the shop for all you know.”

  I sigh loudly enough for her to hear. “This conversation is getting me nowhere.”

  “You thought I’d be on your side and add to your theory, say he was obviously stalking you. But you were wrong, and now you’re acting like a stroppy pre-pubescent brat.”

  “Gee, thanks for the support, Rhi.”

  “Oh,
honey, I support you. You know I do. I just believe it was all a coincidence and you should just brush it off.”

  “I think I’m going to go and have a long soak and a glass of rosé.”

  “Okay, honey, but listen. I love you. You’re my best friend. I don’t want to see you hurting, but I just think you need to pull up your big girl panties and get on with life. Show him his proximity doesn’t affect you. So far, all you’re doing is the opposite.”

  “I just can’t help it, Rhi.”

  “Because you still love him, honey.”

  “I know.”

  I bite back unshed tears, unwilling to shed another tear over the man I loved. Love. Present tense, I think to myself.

  “Go and have that soak in the bath, honey. Then go to bed and wake up tomorrow with a new mindset.”

  “I promise to try.”

  We say our goodbyes and I pour myself a glass of wine before I head upstairs to run a bath. I add in lavender bubble bath in the hopes of it having the soothing effect it always had on Hardin as a baby. Lavender always calmed him enough to fall asleep, even when he was teething.

  Stripping off, I dip my toes in to test the water before submerging myself up to my chin. The scent is gorgeous. I inhale deeply and sigh as my muscles begin to relax.

  I didn’t mean to be so snippy with Rhiannon. I know she was just trying to talk some sense into me. But she struck a chord. She actually did make sense, annoying me because I knew I was in the wrong and was too stubborn to admit it.

  Why did Brent have to turn up earlier than I expected? Why did the only house with decent rent have to be a stone’s throw from him? Why did seeing him give me butterflies? Those butterflies might as well have been bats with how they were beating their wings.

  I thought I had longer to prepare myself for his arrival. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? I was never going to be prepared, no matter what I did or didn’t do.

  Sipping my wine, I try to relax my mind as well as my muscles. I wish it would stop racing with thoughts of Brent.