by Mia Fox
I sat on the big leather couch that graced the training facility’s lobby across from a flat screen television that displayed a continual video loop of their prime athletes. A shot of Cole flashed across the screen before it morphed into someone else. My heart sank and I felt the tears well up inexplicably, the way they had threatened so many times over the past two weeks.
I screenshot one of the images from the restaurant and texted it to him. I waited not knowing if he would open the message, wondering if he would respond. When his response did come just seconds later, I felt like a fisherman reeling in his catch. I felt him pulling away and I needed to bring him back.
“What’s that?” he wrote.
“It’s where I want to take you. It’s peaceful and beautiful and some place we can just be.”
“No. That’s why I asked.”
I was gutted. Why would he ask if his answer was no? He knew me so well. It wasn’t like I would send him a photo without wanting to be living in that moment and more so, living in it with him. Another message arrived.
“I’m going to just chill with my friends this weekend.”
The rejection stung. More than that, I felt like a bitch for pursuing this, but I just couldn’t help myself.
“I know you’re going through a lot, but I am too.”
“There are other people who need me right now. I’m going to hang with my group.”
It was wrong to be jealous, but I could admit to being hurt. This was Friday. Was he going to spend the whole weekend busy with his group?
“Sunday too?”
“I need space.”
Chapter Thirteen
Cole
I hadn’t been out with my friends since before the accident. I had come to call it that… an accident. Although in reality, there was nothing accidental about it. It was a deliberate act of violence that had forever changed me.
I found myself looking for where emergency exits were located whenever I was in a restaurant or at the movies. When men walked with their hands in their pockets, it caused me to look at them twice as if I might need to recall their features. And, in truth, I had avoided going out in public. There was a comfort in staying at Kat’s place beyond being with her. It felt safe.
But I needed to get on with my life and that meant actually living it. I called a couple of friends who had been asking when I was free and we made plans to go to a local micro-brewery that had been getting rave reviews for its craft beers and artisan pizzas. More than anything I wanted to prove to myself that I could get through the evening without thinking of Kat.
I arranged for an Uber to drive me to the eatery. I hadn’t driven myself anywhere in a couple of months. There was no way I was going to attempt it after having a beer. But who was I fooling? The way I felt now, I was pretty sure that I wasn’t going to stop with just one.
I arrived to find my friends had already commandeered a table next to a bevy of single girls celebrating a birthday. One of my friends donned a party hat and had a girl on his lap. I nearly left straight away, but my other pal saw me and waved me over.
“Look who’s here,” Chase announced and stood to wrap me in a manly hug.
“Good to be here,” I answered back.
“First round is on me. What’ll you have?”
I scanned the beer offerings listed on a large chalkboard and chose an IPA.
“Good choice,” Chase approved. “Let me introduce you…”
He started listing the names of the girls around the table, occasionally needing prompting from one or two to help him remember some of the names. I smiled politely, but when one blonde slid her chair closer to mine, I felt like I just wanted to go home. Still, I couldn’t be rude.
Chase smiled and nodded at me. “You look good, man. Enjoy the night,” he said, sending me a little wink and indicating the blonde who was now seated even closer.
I downed my beer quickly. “Another round?” I asked. I looked at my watch calculating how long I needed to stay in order to not be rude. One more beer should do it. At the moment, I could think of only one positive that had come out of my accident. I could feign that I was tired and needed to go home. So much for getting Kat off my mind.
Chapter Fourteen
Kat
I wondered how Cole was spending his evening as I took one last wistful stare at the photo I sent him earlier. Maybe I should just go to that beach restaurant by myself. I shook my head. As if. The very thought of being solo at the place where I wanted to take him was enough to make me depressed for years.
“Just focus on your work,” I said aloud. I looked over the second floor balcony to where the athletes were training. It looked like they were winding down. Now was my opportunity to interview their trainer.
As I walked down the stairs, Jack looked up. “I didn’t know you were here,” he called up to me. And then, as if an after thought, “What are you doing here?”
“Interview. Blog,” I said quickly as he was already being pulled back into his cool down by the others.
He nodded succinctly. “Smoothie afterwards?”
“Sure,” I agreed.
It made me feel better to have plans, especially with Jack. I knew that I should give Cole space and give myself purpose. Wallowing in sadness wasn’t good for anyone. I needed to stay busy. I took out my laptop, jotted the last of my notes, and headed back toward where their training had just finished.
The equipment was already being wiped down. The facility was pristine and this was why. It was as if a bell had been rung and the clean-up staff magically appeared. They sprayed and wiped, leaving the space smelling of cinnamon and lemons. I was taking it all in when the last trainer who cooled down the team appeared. She was about my age, decked out in Lululemon leggings and a form fitting top with the facility’s logo emblazoned on her chest.
“Can I answer any questions for you?”
“Sure. When can I sign up?” I teased.
“You can. You don’t have to be part of a team. We’ve expanded to serve the community as well. Yoga, Boot Camp, Martial Arts…,” her voice trailed off. “Something for everyone.”
“It is amazing. Actually, all kidding aside, I just need a couple of photos to turn in with my article. Can you send me any stock images that the company uses?”
“Easy. Here’s my card. Do you mind sending me an email and I’ll forward them back to you?”
Jack walked up to where we were speaking. “As soon as I try one of your famous protein smoothies with my son,” I gestured to Jack.
“How was the workout, Jack?” she inquired.
“Perfect. I got out of my head for an hour, which was appreciated. The new workout kicked my butt,” he said with a smile.
“We aim to please,” she answered back in the same conversational tone. “You can’t think of anything bad or sad when you’re working out.” She took off with a wave and I decided right then and there to listen to her words.
I turned to Jack. “Do you have your car here?”
“No. Can you drive me home?”
“Of course. After our smoothie.”
If Cole was asking for space, I wanted to be okay with that request. Maybe it was space; maybe it was a need to move on. In either case, I felt like I needed answers that he wasn’t able to give. I always wished I had an older brother or male best friend to discuss the mysteries of romance. I looked sideways toward Jack. “Can I ask you a question?”
“You keep your eyes on the road and I’ll entertain it.”
I smiled and rolled my eyes. “Sorry. So, eyes on the road, hands at ten and two.” I stared straight ahead.
“Shoot. What do you need?”
“What happened between you and Alice?”
Alice had seemed to be just what Jack wanted in a girlfriend, until suddenly it was over. He never spoke of what happened. I didn’t even know if ending things was his decision or hers.
“You need to know about Alice… why?”
“I’m having my own little quand
ary and wondered if knowing your opinion about why relationships end… or rather, how to move on from them… would help me."
Alice was smart and pretty and clearly adored Jack. I had met her when she stopped by one day before they went to a movie. The way she looked at my son had love written all over her face. I was over the moon that he had found someone who looked at him like that because I knew that girl loved with her whole heart. It was the way I felt about Cole and now I needed to know how and why my own son, a man who I had raised to respect women, could walk away from that sort of love when it appeared that he also felt the same.
“Nothing,” he shook his head and offered no more.
I glanced at him for the briefest of moments. “Eyes ahead,” he said and pointed forward.
I nodded, looked straight ahead, and asked the biggie. “Did she break up with you or did you do it?”
As soon as I asked it aloud, I knew the answer. Deep down I always knew. Alice would not have ended it. She loved him. But I had to shine a spotlight on my own relationship. I desperately needed answers, or at least answers from someone other than Cole. I needed to know from another man, why love could bloom and then die before one’s eyes.
“I did.” His voice didn’t offer any emotion other than a slight annoyance with being questioned.
“But why?” I pleaded.
“Why do you need to know?” Finally, emotion erupted as his voice raised. “It was my relationship. It’s not like you went through it.”
I felt tears start to well up in my eyes like they had threatened to do so many times during the week. I bit the inside of my cheek. I couldn’t let Jack see me cry. He would put it together. Taking a deep breath, I reverted to my old excuse. “I just need to understand men. It’s important for my writing and as I date. Please, Jack. Tell me why. Just help me get it.”
Again, he gave a quick shake of his head and shrugged, “It was too much.”
“Too intense?” So many blog posts, magazine articles, SnapChat feeds, and more always said guys ran when it felt ‘too intense’. I couldn’t stay away from self-help articles at the moment. I was obsessed and needed an explanation of how someone could love me and then not. I just didn’t believe that those emotions could be turned on and off like a water spigot.
Cole and I had history together. Sure, I had seen relationships fizzle out in a shorter amount of time than we had been together, but our relationship had gotten stronger. Stolen kisses had turned into passionate love making sessions. Chance meetings were no longer enough and we planned our trysts. We had learned what turned each other on, spoken about our dreams for the future as well admitted our disappointments. More pointedly, we were given a second chance on a life together. I couldn’t accept that he survived a gunshot to throw away our relationship.
“Jack?” I urged him to go on.
“What?” His voice took on an irritated tone, similar to what I imagined Cole felt when I texted him about our relationship.
“I just don’t understand how someone can love someone and then not.” I needed to understand this and I placed my hand on Jack’s arm. For the first time, he glanced over at me and seemed to get that this wasn’t parental nosiness at play. “If you love someone it doesn’t just go away.”
“Maybe it does,” he answered, more quietly. “I thought I felt something, but it wasn’t the kind of love you’re talking about. She wanted more than I could give and it just made me realize that I wasn’t in love. You can’t have one person feeling more than the other. It won’t work and… I told her that.”
Ouch. I felt Alice’s pain. I felt my own. And for the first time, I knew that my insistence that Cole still loved me probably wasn’t true. It hurt and yet, a weight had been lifted. I was sad over a love lost, but at least I wasn’t confused. I hadn’t been able to understand why he would try to shield his heart from love. To me, love was the ultimate prize. It was something that songs are written about, movies produced for, and books read over and over again. Moreover, people don’t necessarily seek a reenactment of a thriller movie, but the love story… that was something people sought in their own lives. If you were lucky enough to find it, the last thing you would do would be to turn away from it.
But in that moment as I spoke to Jack, I knew that Cole’s words weren’t an effort to keep his heart safe from love. I had thought his head was betraying me by telling his heart not to love. I knew now that his heart was just as guilty of the betrayal.
“It hurts.” I said quietly, as much to myself as Jack, who now seemed lost in his own thoughts of the past.
Over the last few months, Jack and I had spoken in riddles. There were times when he said I could talk to him and times when it was obvious he preferred to pretend that he was in the dark about my relationship with Cole. Deep down, I knew he was aware that something had transpired between us.
He looked at me and exhaled lightly, the corner of his mouth tilting upward to offer me a small acceptance of my pain and an effort to take some of it away. “You just have to get over him. One day, you will.”
Chapter Fifteen
Cole
I swore to myself that I would never hurt Kat again. Initially, I thought that meant not burdening her with my presence after I was released from the hospital. That didn’t work out as planned. Sometimes, you have to admit that you need help.
Then, my idea morphed into just being a good roommate. I may have been weak, but I wasn’t a complete invalid. I helped with the dishes. Tried to fix a few things around the house. Didn’t take up much space and was overall clean and tidy. Yeah, but roommates aren’t exactly supposed to launch into mind-blowing sex with each other. I should have been a roommate and stayed in my space. Kinda blew that plan as well.
But with Kat, it was never just about sex. Being with Kat in any capacity was what I wanted. Holding her on the couch while watching television and talking about our days was just as sweet. We started acting like a couple.
But, when we did so outside of the house, I noticed the looks we attracted. We pretended that nothing was between us when we were around people we knew. No matter how I process my feelings for her, I know that real couples don’t act one way in certain circumstances and another way with other situations. I rationalized that if I couldn’t show my feelings for her due to fear of society’s views of us, we shouldn’t be together.
I wanted to make it work, but it was such a long shot. We had both been through so much heartache. Definitely, Kat had taken the brunt of it, but I struggled with losing her. She just never knew how much. I know she didn’t care about the looks and whispers, but one day she would. It didn’t matter that I was more mature than most guys my age having been on my own due to the loss of my parents. Or, the fact that I had wealth equal of men double my age who had already launched their careers. If anything, the investments were so sound that I probably had more than most. I may have had the wisdom to know I wanted to be with Kat, but I didn’t have the experience of life to prove it to her without any doubt ever creeping into her beautiful mind.
I saw the wondering look she would send me when girls my own age would strike up a conversation. They never had anything on Kat, but still, worry leapt across her eyes. The truth was that Kat was sexier, wiser, and wittier than any girl I had ever met. I couldn’t imagine being with anyone else. But, I couldn’t see how the two of us could make this work. Maybe if we were public figures who could do whatever the hell we pleased. The French President, Emmanuel Macron, and his wife, Brigitte, had 25 years between them. Then again, they have endured the same whispers as well as magazine articles that ruthlessly air opinions without a care of who those thoughts hurt. I couldn’t bring myself to allow Kat to spend the rest of her life defending her decision to be with me.
I punched my pillow, angry at my reality. I wanted to be with her. That’s was the truth. But I just couldn’t. The worst part was that I couldn't get her off my mind and when she texted and wanted to do something together, my instinct was to grab the phone
within seconds and say YES in all caps and exclamation marks.
Instead, I tried to figure out what she would advise her readers. I envisioned her blog and wondered what she would write if a reader posed the question: What’s the best way for a guy to heal a broken heart? The blogs always assumed only women got hurt. That wasn’t true. If I were to give Kat a suggestion for a blog post it would be this subject. When I searched Google for an answer, the results were less than helpful.
Basically, guys can heal their heart in one of three ways. I guess we’re simple in that respect. Apparently, we can rebound straight into another woman’s bed. No, thank you. I already know that would only make me more depressed and lead to a two-legged headache. The second option is to go crazy with erratic and dangerous behavior. Given the fact that I’ve already endured a gunshot wound that nearly killed me, I’d say I don’t have many more cat lives to risk. And finally, the last choice: “the shut down.” The magazine article stated that guys can throw themselves into work or something similar, avoid all feelings or memories of the relationship.
It wasn’t necessarily healthy for a long period of time, but the article stated that there wasn’t anything inherently wrong with this behavior if healing took place. I could only hope.
I made the mistake once of pulling Kat back into my life, and if I’m any sort of man, I’ll learn from my mistakes and strive to not repeat them. Hurting her in the short-term may be the kindest act in the long run.