by Mia Fox
“Can I help?” I called out when I heard the sound of the microwave chirp.
“I’m not doing much,” he called out. “Just a little something.”
He returned carrying two wide mugs of hot chocolate laden with a dollop of vanilla ice cream speckled with tiny black dots indicative of the gourmet vanilla bean variety.
“Hot chocolate and wine?”
“It’s really ice cream and chocolate syrup and wine. It’s an Italian recipe… much thicker than regular hot chocolate. I wanted to impress you.”
I stared down into my mug, unable to answer back. The truth was he had impressed me. Any other girl on this date would be in heaven. I wished I felt that way, but I couldn’t bring myself to feel.
He sat down next to me and reached to brush a strand of hair from my eyes. We held each other’s gaze for a moment longer than mere conversation warrants. But, whereas the kiss was exciting and new during our horseback ride, here in his house it felt too intimate. Involuntarily, I shifted backwards a couple inches. I didn’t mean to recoil, but I couldn’t go through with a quick rendezvous.
He stopped twirling my hair in his fingers and instead, gave my nose a friendly pluck with his index finger, smiled, and moved his position farther down the couch. Picking up his mug and spoon, he stirred the liquid, then nodded — more to himself than me — as if he had figured out just what made me tick. I wished I could do the same.
“What?” I asked. “You didn’t have to move to China,” I said indicating his position a good foot away from me.
He nodded again and replied, “I think it’s best. You wanna tell me what the last guy did to your pretty head?”
Inexplicably, I felt tears start to well up in the back of my throat. Oh my god, I was not going to start crying. I barely knew him. Then why was I going to come here and sleep with him? My throat started to tighten even more. Because he’s cute, my brain argued. That’s no reason to jump… especially when you’re still in love with Cole. Damn my arguing mind. I couldn’t win with it and with that realization, the tears flowed. I couldn’t stop them.
“Come ‘mere.” He opened his arms and I moved toward him, letting him embrace me in a hug that was kindly and comforting without any trace of innuendo or expectation of what we shared on the ride. “You wanna talk?”
I sobbed hard, wiping at my eyes and surreptitiously doing the same to my nose. “You’re really nice. Super cute. No, not cute… sexy as hell.”
“But…”
I just shook my head, unable to gather the words, or more likely, unable to accept the fact that I wasn’t ready to move on from Cole.
“Whoever he is, he’s lucky.”
“What makes you say that?” That word… on so many occasions, the hospital staff had uttered that word when they tended to Cole. But when it came to love… was ‘lucky’ the right description?
“You obviously love someone deeply. I can see it in your eyes. And Sugar, it must be love because I don’t know anything else that would have kept us apart considering the fire that we started.”
He made me smile with that revelation. That kiss was hot. Not knowing his name. Being in public. Feeling so reckless. Oh, if I could only continue, maybe my heart would forget Cole. But right now, it beat so strongly for him, that I just couldn’t consider doing anything with another younger man.
He continued to observe me, and then when he was sure that I had gained my composure, he pulled me in for a hug. “Feeling better?”
“Bennett, you are so kind. Today has been the best. I wish I could… but I’m…”
“You don’t have to say it. It’s obvious. You’re in love. Or were. Maybe still are. This guy… were you two married?”
“Gosh no. He’s… much younger. Like you,” I said, offering more details about Cole’s age. “I don’t think guys his age are ready for that type of commitment.”
“That’s not always the case.” He looked at me with a sad expression in his eyes. For the first time that day, the sparkle in them had left. “You’re worth settling down for, Kat. Make sure you know that… even if he doesn’t.”
“You think?”
He gave me another hug, and as I sobbed onto his shoulder, he stroked my hair. “It’s 10 o’clock. I’m gonna drive you to your car. It’s getting late and I’m afraid if you stay any longer, I’ll do everything in my power to convince you to stay ’til morning.”
I nodded. “There’s a big part of me that thinks I’m being stupid for not taking you up on your hospitality.”
“Sugar, don’t fool yourself. It wouldn’t be my Southern manners or hospitality that are trying to get you to stay.”
“I’m flattered.”
It was his turn to nod. “If I see you at the stables again, make sure you know that you can always talk to me. If I’m lucky, maybe one day we’ll be sitting here again. And you won’t be leaving tear trails down my shirt.”
“Thank you, Bennett. I don’t know what my future holds. Friends? For now?”
“Of course.”
He stood up and held the front door open for me. “You got everything? Purse, coat?”
I nodded and walked over to him. Before we headed to the car, he reached over to playfully tug on my braid. It felt like a sweet gesture between friends and I hoped that we could actually be just that.
Chapter Twenty-One
Cole
I woke up wishing that it was morning, but I knew that was an impossibility having gone to bed around dinner time. I guess all of my time in a coma made me find a bit of comfort in sleep. The time would pass and I wasn’t aware of any sadness. I woke up and checked my phone. 10 p.m.
I didn’t want to check on Kat’s location, but I couldn’t help myself. I clicked on her last text message and saw an unfamiliar neighborhood pop up. A sinking feeling hit my gut. She was with some guy this afternoon and now at a strange house. It didn’t take a detective to know that it was probably his house.
My stomach grumbled, both from uneasiness and emptiness. I got myself out of bed. I couldn’t just feel sorry for myself and sleep forever. I promised myself I would embrace my health and the fact that I had woken up.
If Kat had moved on, it was because I told her to do so. I only had myself to blame. The least I could do was feel some semblance of happiness for her. I had put her through hell. More than once. I wished I could at least explain about the SIM card and that I wasn’t a total ass ignoring her. But, I had told her we weren’t together. Maybe I needed to take my own advice.
Kat used to tell me that when she needed a distraction while I was in the hospital, she would cook to fill up the time. Even though it was late, I had missed dinner. Seemed as good of an excuse as any to practice up on my cooking skills especially since sleep would not be possible right now.
I pulled on a hoodie and headed toward the kitchen. I started to pour through my cupboards. Kat was always amazing at making something near gourmet out of leftovers. It brought a smile to my face thinking of her. If I couldn’t be with her, I could at least remember her. I knew I was about to become one of those people who talks about their ex incessantly finding reminders with every place, movie, TV show, or song. And I didn’t give a damn. I may not physically be with her, but I wasn’t ready to get her out of my head and heart.
I started to pull out ingredients for her homemade waffles. Any time is a good time for breakfast, even 10 p.m. And just maybe after I finish, I would be able to sleep again. I knew that would be possible only if I could banish the knowledge of her not being home.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Kat
When I got home, all I wanted to do was text Cole. But I couldn’t. Or rather, wouldn’t. There’s a point when I had to find self respect. I hadn’t heard from him after sending two texts. If that’s not an indication that he wanted space, then I needed a bulldozer to plow some sense into me.
Women have a silly habit of thinking their life can be like a rom/com movie. If that were true, I would be sitting here with Cole playing happily
ever after instead of feeling conflicted over what happened with Bennett. Scratch that; I wouldn’t have even gone out with Bennett. Although nothing was discussed about dating other people, it just didn’t feel like that place existed. I needed to find the middle ground in my personal life between throwing myself at a man and wishing for Cole.
I knew I had to move forward, but I wasn’t ready. No matter how nice it felt to be held by a man. And yes, a young and very hot man. I smiled thinking of how angry my editor would be if she knew that I wasn’t going to write about kissing a stranger in the woods.
I didn’t need to write about it. I knew what the day represented. It reminded me that I could enjoy life again, but it didn’t feel complete. Something — or more accurately — someone was missing. The company one keeps can transport you. I wished Bennett could become my perfect distraction. But he didn’t come close to making me feel the way I do with Cole.
Yet, the irony of my day with Bennett wasn’t lost on me. Maybe if I had been as carefree with Cole, he wouldn’t have backed away. But with Cole, there was too much love. Too much at stake, I suppose. I may have enjoyed the moment with Bennett, and learned to appreciate the present, but it wasn’t enough to get me over the past.
Truth was that when I met Cole, I found me. And when Cole and I separated, a piece of me also left. I needed the time alone to find that part of me again. I had to stop my two steps forward and three steps backwards behavior. And then, as if he knew what I was thinking, a text message notification sounded on my phone and it was from Cole.
Chapter Twenty-Three
Cole
It may sound stupid to be proud over waffles; however, on a typical day, I’m a horrendous cook. But these fluffy gems are photo worthy, and even better, good enough to warrant seconds. I can’t really take the credit. It’s Kat’s recipe; I merely learned how to do as she instructed. That part was actually easy because listening to her was always a pleasure.
It didn’t matter if she were telling me a story about her day or in the case of her waffles, the benefit of separating the eggs and then beating the whites into stiff peaks. When Kat spoke to me, the world stood still. It happened that first day when we met and continued long after. Being with Kat felt so right, like finally getting the family that I craved after my own was taken from me.
As I sat in my kitchen, so alone, I realized that I never expressed those feelings to Kat. I’ve only briefly spoken of the accident that took my parents. I always thought that because I had financial means, I was self-sufficient. I never took into consideration my emotional health. It’s hard to admit that you need someone.
I hoped I wasn’t being selfish in texting her, but I owed her an explanation as to why I hadn’t responded to her previous texts. I figured that sending a photo of waffles was as good an excuse as any.
I thought about what to write. I wanted to tell her that I miss her and not just because I saw her kiss another dude because I know I’ve felt this way the second she moved back to her place. I had been fine on my own for years, but now my house felt so incredibly empty. It matched the feeling in my heart. But I didn’t want Kat to think I needed a parental substitute. Although she fulfilled an emotional need, gave me comfort, and showed me how much she cared, those weren’t my only reasons for missing her. I missed giving her my love.
I started texting and deleted it. Started again and promptly worried that I sounded like a jealous ass. Finally, I kept it simple.
It doesn’t feel right eating your recipe without you. Want one?
I attached a pic of the waffles and hit send. Still, the minute I did it, regret filled me. Was she going to think this was a late night booty text? I had to fix this. I couldn’t mess up any more.
BTW, I didn’t get your last two texts. Phone was awol. Can my cooking make it up to you?
I waited and saw the three little dots appear. And then disappear.
What was going on? My heart dropped and I imagined her seeing the text was from me and then closing her phone to return to horse guy. I turned my phone over because it was too painful to check out its dot status, not to mention too pathetic.
Kat: I’m sorry that I was always so intense about our relationship.
Whoa that’s a big step away from a waffle invitation. It was late to have a heavy conversation and a lot can be misconstrued via text. There was so much I wanted to say as well. Was this the right time? I suppose waiting would just solidify my jerk status and I had already done so much harm to her. There was no way that I was going to ignore her ever again.
Cole: What do you mean? You never did anything wrong, Kat.
Kat: I was thinking that I pushed you away. I always wanted the future and never focused on the present.
It was my turn to stare at my phone and not know how to respond. There was truth to her words. I had wanted us to be more in the moment, but now I felt differently. But that was selfish; I couldn’t very well tell her that now. Nor could I have this conversation via text. I dialed her number and the minute she picked up, my heart raced.
Without any thought to my own feelings or the past, I instinctively wanted to ensure she was alright. “Hey… are you okay? I didn’t get those messages from you,” I spewed out the words without even stopping for a breath. Then I added for good measure, “Kat, please know it wasn’t personal.”
“It’s fine, Cole. You were right to back away.”
“Kat…”
“No, let me finish. I know you’re on a different path. It’s fine.”
She had said ‘it’s fine’ and I had to take that at face value. I caused this, and I had to man up and accept it.
I wanted to tell her that I wasn’t on that path. Being carefree and living in the moment was what college guys wanted, but not me. I wanted Kat. But she was obviously saying this now because I pushed her away. She found someone. I couldn’t be a selfish ass, snap my fingers, and tell her I want her back.
“Kat, I hope that we can both find happiness.”
“Me too.”
She sounded sad. I was tired of inducing that feeling in her. I thought of the way we used to laugh and realized that rarely happened between us anymore. Maybe we would get back to that place.
“Goodnight, Kat.”
“Night.”
After hanging up, I thought about the call. I doubt she would have picked up on the first ring if horse guy was with her. Maybe we’d find our way back to each other. I stared at the phone for a few minutes after we hung up, willing her to call me back.
She didn’t.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Kat
Three months later…
Something had always brought Cole and I together. Fate, circumstance, attraction. We always found each other, and now was no exception. Even if one of us wanted to move on, the attraction was too strong to ignore.
Months went by with just an occasional text. I told myself that I was happy just having some contact with him, being friends. It was an easy lie that I could swallow. But of course, it was a lie. I was biding my time until my heart pointed its directional signal at someone else. I kept in touch with Bennett, but the spark wasn’t strong enough to pull me out of Cole’s orbit.
Finally, fate stepped in once again during the summer months. With Jack no longer living at home, he asked if I wanted to drive with him to San Diego to spend time together. The main reason for his trip was to attend a training camp, but we rationalized that we’d take our time during the two-and-a-half hour drive and make stops along the way. We hardly had any time together between his training and school, and my work.
We could easily extend the drive into an entire day. There was amazing shopping and a local art scene in Laguna Beach, a delicious farm to table restaurant in San Clemente, one of the 21 historic California missions could be found in Oceanside, and of course, nearly 165 miles of coastline beaches to view. I readily agreed and booked a hotel room near his training facility.
And then, call it providence or fate; Cole and I
were destined to see each other again. Jack mentioned that it would “help out” Cole if we gave him a ride. I didn’t argue, nor did I ask if Cole had requested a ride. If he had, did he know that I was coming along? In truth, I didn’t want to know the answer. I could assume that he would outweigh the benefits of getting a ride versus spending the weekend in close proximity to me. However, if he didn’t know that I was coming along, I only hoped it wouldn’t be awkward.
I entertained telling Jack that we could spend time together when he returned from training, and then decided to stay quiet. It had nothing to do with Cole. I wanted to spend the time during the drive down and then back up with Jack. Knowing us, we would turn it into a six-hour journey, which might sound horrible to some, but for us, it was fun. Cole would have to deal with it.
I thought back to the last time I was intimate with Cole. Memories of us spending a heated night and then a lazy morning in bed flashed in my mind. I knew that wouldn’t happen during this weekend away. Not only because of our current cooling off period, but also because of his busy training schedule. Not to mention, there would be so many people around. He would be tired. There were so many reasons why a tryst couldn’t occur. I had come to accept all of those reasons and even move on with my life. And yet, the idea of being around him for a weekend, just being able to talk with him the way we used to, was the sweetest thought I had entertained in a long while.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Cole
Jack and I and loaded up the car and waited for two other teammates to arrive before hitting the road. It was a full car, but everyone preferred to save money on gas and it would make for a lively trip. Kat planned on driving to give the rest of us time to rest before what was sure to be a physically demanding weekend. With the traffic Los Angeles was known for, I figured it would be a three-hour drive considering it was a weekday. That was the best time we could expect to make if we left by 7 a.m. But trying to get five people ready to leave at the same time was akin to wrangling kittens. The moment one person was ready another one had to go to the bathroom. Then that one would be itching to go and another needed a drink of water. By the time we were all situated in the car it was pushing 9 a.m. I knew we were in for a long ride; I just never took into consideration what a road trip with Jack and Kat would entail.