by L. D. Davis
Jerry got to keep the house, but he had no visitation rights with Rosa, not that he even tried. And he was giving up half of his money. That was his offer, not a request of ours. Emmy wondered if it was because he felt guilty for being a lousy dad and husband, but the rest of us surmised that he didn’t want those pictures to hit the media.
I had been at Emmy’s and Luke’s for nearly two months. I never went back to New Jersey. Mayson said I pulled an Emmy, but that wasn’t quite true. When Emmy left New Jersey, she was a broken individual, brutally scarred, and only a whisper of the person she had been. She had closed herself off from her friends and family and burrowed deep into a psychological dark hole. I wasn’t burrowing any fucking where.
My first twenty-four hours in Chicago was spent in the hospital, getting pumped full of IV fluids for dehydration and pneumonia. I gave myself that day and the following day to cry and feel miserable, and that was it. I had a baby to take care of, and I had myself to take care of too.
I had neglected to take care of me during my marriage with Jerry, because as Emmet had predicted, he gave up nothing for me. I had allowed myself to look at my life through a frosted glass and did not see things clearly until that damn wipe box slammed into my side. I once thought Jerry was a great man, and maybe he was, but he wasn’t the man for me. Sometimes I got sad, because I had some good memories with him, but the sadness always passed, because I doubted he was sitting around thinking about me with sadness.
“Here’s your sock, little girl,” I said, tossing Rosa’s pink sock on the bed. She and Lucas were sitting on my bed in their pajamas watching cartoons.
“Mam?” she asked, picking up the sock.
“Rosa?”
“Fee?”
“Yes, it is for your feet,” I said, smiling.
I sat in a chair in the corner of the room and started folding the basket of laundry I just carried upstairs. Emmet walked through the open door a moment later, and Rosa’s arms instantly shot up. He dropped his old Ghurka briefcase I had given him many years ago on the floor. I had been surprised to find that he still used it and even more surprised to see him using the pen.
Emmet scooped Rosa into his arms and kissed her all over her face, making her giggle.
“Have a good day, baby girl,” he said to her.
“Mehmet,” she said his name as she put her little hands on his cheeks. “Buh byes.”
“Yes, buh byes.” He kissed her once more and set her back on the bed. He put his hand out for a high-five from Lucas. Lucas gave it to him and then they did a fist bump. “Take care of the lady folk, little man.”
Lucas already lost interest and was watching television again. Unless he needed food from the lady folk, he could care less.
“Have a good day,” Emmet said to me, his manner more subdued.
“Thank you,” I said softly. “You too.”
He hung out near the door, watching me for a moment longer. “Okay. Bye.”
“Bye,” I said and watched him leave.
Luke came in next to hug the kids, but he didn’t linger and have an awkward moment with me. He kissed the top of my head like he would a kid sister and then plucked me in the arm before racing out of the room.
So, there had been many changes…
When I showed up at my best friend’s door two months ago, I had no idea that Emmet and Casey had separated two months before that and that he was staying with his sister until he could figure out what he wanted to do. I almost moved out after I recovered from pneumonia, but Emmy begged me to stay, and Emmet offered to move out instead, but then I felt bad making him move out when he and Emmy were finally getting to know each other again. We all said we would have to think about what would be the best thing to do, but that was nearly two months ago, and nothing had changed.
Those first several days were awkward and stressful. Emmet was still fuming about the condition I arrived in. Several times Luke and Emmy had to talk him out of getting on a plane and flying to New Jersey to, “kill that motherfucking pansy bat swinging asshole.”
The incident hit a little too close to home for Emmy and her past, and she was noticeably quiet for a few days, but soon we all fell into a routine. Emmet immediately became attached to Rosa again after we arrived. Even if he had Owen with him, Emmet took care of Rosa like his own. Every weekend morning, or any day he had off, he would let me sleep in and take Rosa downstairs for breakfast. He made time for her every day after work, and he even took her with him on errands sometimes. He loved her, and Owen loved her, and she loved them.
Emmet and I were polite to each other, but other than dealing with Rosa and Owen, we kept our distance. Before I showed up, we hadn’t spoken since that night he walked away from Fred and me at Emmy’s wedding. I didn’t know why he and Casey split up. He didn’t volunteer the information, and I didn’t ask him. I did ask Emmy, and she wasn’t sure either, but I’m sure it looked suspicious to anyone else that both of our marriages dissolved within a couple of months of each other and then we were both living under the same roof.
Emmet spared Casey the shock of finding me there when she dropped off Owen by talking to her beforehand. She didn’t have much to say when she came by, but she too was polite. Everyone was so damn polite.
I was getting restless in the Kessler camp. I loved being around Emmy all of the time, but I was beginning to feel like I was cramping her and Luke. It was awkward to walk into the kitchen and find them in a moment together, or to overhear an argument or disagreement. It was especially uncomfortable to hear them banging like bunnies in their bedroom at all hours of the day. They never encouraged me to move on or seemed to care that I was there, but I cared. Two months was long enough to take advantage of my friends’ hospitality.
So, that morning after I wrangled Lucas and Rosa downstairs for breakfast, I used Emmy’s laptop to start searching for somewhere else to live. I didn’t even know what I was going to do for a living yet. I had some ideas, but nothing solid.
I had been seated for a few minutes when the doorbell rang. Emmy was upstairs bathing Kaitlyn, so I got up to answer it.
“Hey, no throwing cereal,” I warned Lucas as his arm raised to throw a Cheerio. He gave me a heart melting grin and dropped his arm.
I peeked out of the little window by the door before opening it and cursed under my breath. I had forgotten that Casey was dropping Owen off. That was another thing that had become routine. Casey dropped Owen off on specified days of the week whether Emmet was present or not. Emmet would keep Owen for a few days and then take him back to his mother. He called him every day that he wasn’t with him and would sometimes go and pick him up even if it wasn’t his day to have him. Casey and Emmet seemed to agree upon all things that had to do with Owen.
“Hey, Case,” I said, opening the door to let them in. “Hi, Owen.” I ruffled his hair that was so much like his father’s.
“Nonan, come eat ceewreal,” Lucas called from the kitchen.
“Wowo!” Rosa called.
“Go on in the kitchen,” I told Owen, and he gladly took off to go be with his friends.
I fully expected Casey to turn and leave as she always did. Emmy and I always offered her a cup of coffee or to come in and sit for a few minutes, but she always declined. I think it was hard for her to be with Emmet’s family since she wasn’t with Emmet anymore. She seemed uncomfortable with the idea every time it was presented to her, even though the Grayne’s went out of their way to try to make her feel like she was still part of the family.
When she didn’t immediately hightail it out the door, I again offered her a cup of coffee.
“No, thanks,” she said, shaking her head. “But I wanted to know if you could give something to Emmet for me.”
She reached into her purse and produced a large manila envelope. I had a feeling what was inside, and I didn’t think I should be the one to hand it to him.
“Maybe you should give it to him,” I suggested when she tried to hand it to me.
“I…” she paused and licked her lips nervously. Her smile was just as nervous. “I don’t want to see his face when this lands in his hands. I don’t want to see the relief that he’s sure to feel.”
I shook my head and still refused to take the envelope. “Casey, I’m sure this is hard for him, too.”
“Yeah, but not for the same reasons,” she whispered. “He feels guilty, but trust me,” she sighed heavily. “The contents of this envelope are a gift to him.”
Whatever resentment I had for Casey had passed the night of Emmy’s wedding, but I suddenly felt guilty for resenting her in the first place. I had no doubt that when Emmet proposed to her she really believed that he was marrying her because he loved her above anyone else and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. When there were any signs or symptoms to the contrary, she must have chosen the same frosted glasses I did for my marriage. I wondered what it took for her to take off her frosted glasses.
“Please, you give it to him.”
I accepted the heavy envelope in my hands even though I still felt unsure about being the one to deliver it to him.
“You know, Emmet and I aren’t exactly…” I shrugged. “We don’t talk really. We live under the same roof, and we share in taking care of all of the kids, but…we don’t chit chat or hang out or anything else.”
“Well, maybe you should,” Casey said solemnly. “Have to start somewhere, right?”
I looked at her. Was she suggesting that Emmet and I get together?
“I didn’t know that he was in love with you when I married him,” she said suddenly in a rush of words. “I know people think that I trapped him, but I didn’t. Emmet was my friend, maybe even my best friend. I had a hard life when I was younger, and he helped me become a better person. I got pregnant after only one night of unexpected sex. I would have been okay with raising Owen as a single mom, and I should have said no when he proposed, but I loved him, and I thought he would eventually love me, too, but he never did. I mean, not like he obviously loves you.
“For a long time I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was wrong with our marriage. Emmet was kind to me, he provided for me, and he’s an excellent dad, but there was something empty about our marriage, and I didn’t know what it was. Even after I figured out that you two were engaged before, I still didn’t think that you had anything to do with my marital problems because you guys hadn’t been together in a long time. But…” She paused and looked at the floor for a moment.
“Lucas’s party was the first indication of his feelings for you. Then that morning before we went to the spa, the banter between the two of you came easily, and there was never banter between me and Emmet. Not like that. And then later the bracelet…”
I felt like shit for what she had gone through, and I was a little mad with Emmet for putting her through it. I felt guilty for the many times we crossed over that line while Casey was waiting for him to show some interest in her.
“I tried to change for him,” she said, looking out of the storm door absently. “I lost weight, I changed my hair and started wearing makeup. I started wearing designer clothes and getting my nails done and getting waxed.” She looked at me. “I was trying to be enough like you to matter, but it didn’t work. And it was on a day when I was seriously thinking of surgically altering my body that I woke up. The problem wasn’t me. I was fine. I was more than fine. The problem was that we should have never married in the first place. When he came home from work that day, I had a bag packed for him and a couple of boxes of items I knew meant a lot to him, and I told him I was done. I told him that I deserved a husband who could give me no less than one-hundred percent; that I deserved a husband who loved me like a wife and not a buddy. I promised him that I wouldn’t keep him from Owen. I told him I loved him and then I told him to leave. And you know what? He didn’t argue. He teared up and apologized for taking away years of my life that I could have been with someone who loved me the way I deserved to be loved. He hugged me for a long time…” She stared sadly into that point of time for a moment before her eyes found mine again. “And then he left.”
“I’m sorry,” I whispered to her sincerely. “I don’t even know what to say.”
“Look, Donya,” she said in a strong voice. She straightened her shoulders and looked at me intently. “You and Emmet obviously have something that most people in the world only read about in books or see in the movies. I’m hurt, but I’ll be okay and I’ll move on. I still love him, and I want him to be happy, and you’re the only one who can make that happen. I’m sorry your husband turned out to be an asshole, but I don’t think it’s a coincidence that both of our marriages fell apart around the same time. I think you and Emmet were meant to be, and those papers are the first step in making that happen. Don’t waste it.”
She pushed open the storm door, gave me a weak smile, and then hurried across the lawn to her car.
*~*~*
I didn’t want to give Emmet the papers in front of the entire family. I waited until Emmy and Luke were cuddled up on the couch watching a movie, and all of the kids were asleep. I was glad that Owen was sleeping in Lucas’s room as I knocked lightly on his door. I knew he was awake because I could not only hear him moving around in there but, of course, I could sense it.
“Come in,” he said after a moment of hesitation. He probably wondered why I was coming to him since I only came to him if it involved Owen or Rosa, and Rosa was drooling in sleepy land on my bed.
I opened the door and stepped inside. Emmet sat on one side of his bed with a law book in his hands, a highlighter and small sticky notes. I tried not to notice the curved muscle of his upper arm that stretched the tee shirt he had on, or how his hair looked sexy and mussed like he had been repeatedly running his hands through it.
“You know, you graduated law school years ago,” I teased, hoping that he totally missed the vibe I had been putting out.
“Unfortunately I lack the brain capacity to retain every law known to man,” he said with a smile. “What brings you to my door late at night?”
“Am I disturbing you?”
“You never disturb me, Donya,” he said softly. I resisted the urge to smile like an idiot and stepped farther into the room.
“This is for you,” I said, holding up the envelope. “It’s from Casey. She wanted me to give it to you.”
His eyes zeroed in on the envelope and then he nodded solemnly. “How was she?” He asked after some hesitation.
I gave a small shrug. I didn’t want to tell him what we discussed, so I said, “Okay.”
He gave me a suspicious look. Of course, he knew I wasn’t telling him the whole story, but he didn’t push. He reached out his hand for the envelope, but a gust of wind swept in through a window that was open a few inches, and one of his papers blew to the floor at my feet.
“I got it,” I said and tossed the envelope on the bed, making another few papers float to the floor.
“You know you’re not helping, right?” Emmet teased as I crouched to pick up the papers.
“I know, I’m sorry,” I said. “But why do you have the window…” I trailed off as my fingers touched the corner of a canvas sticking out from under the bed. Absently, I slapped the papers on the bed but didn’t take my eyes off of that familiar object. My fingers closed around the edges of the canvas, and I slowly pulled it out. I held it up and examined it.
“Shit,” I said and felt the need to sit. I sat on the edge of the bed, holding the painting I had done nearly twenty years ago for Valentine’s Day. That night I had fought with Emmet in the parking lot and the following morning his lips and his hands had pleased me and made up for upsetting me the night before.
“Have you always had this?” I asked Emmet without taking my eyes off of the macabre art.
“Yes,” he answered quietly. “It was in Louisiana in storage for a long time, but I brought it back home with me the last time I went down.”
I looked over my shoulder at him. “Why
did you keep it?”
“It is an incredible piece of work,” he said with a shrug. “And you made it. That’s reason enough.”
I looked away from him and focused again on the painting. “I was so angry and hurt when I painted this, ramped up on my teenage hormones, totally pissed off with myself for loving you,” I reminisced. Then I turned back to him. “If it is so incredible and meaningful for you, why is it on the floor under your bed?”
“I don’t have anywhere to put it right now,” he said, looking guilty.
I looked around the room and saw the perfect spot. I got up and put the canvas on top of a chest of drawers and leaned it back against the wall.
“There,” I said with my hands on my hips.
“I approve,” Emmet said.
I looked at him smugly as I walked back over to the bed. “I wasn’t waiting for your approval. What else do you have under this bed?”
I dropped to my knees and lifted the bed skirt. It was hard to see, so I flattened my body on the floor to get a better look.
“Are you seriously looking under my bed?” Emmet asked disbelievingly. Seconds later, his face appeared at the other side, upside down. “What if I don’t want you looking under my bed?”
“I wasn’t looking for your permission either,” I said and reached for a small box.
Emmet groaned as I pulled the box out. I sat up and leaned back against the bed and crossed my legs.
“I don’t want you to open the box,” Emmet warned as he stretched out across the bed on his papers to try to take it from me.
“What do you have to hide, Grayne?” I teased.
“Donya,” his tone was serious, but I felt compelled to open the box. I couldn’t help it. Something in that box was calling to me.
I took the lid off and just stared for a long time. Emmet was very still behind me.
The first thing I discovered inside of the box was the scraps from my wedding dress that Emmet had torn off while he was on his knees begging me not to marry Jerry. The two jars I had given him when he went away to college were wrapped carefully in cloth, but I didn’t need to pull the cloth away to know what they were. I carefully took the jars out of the box and set them on the floor beside me and put the pieces of my dress on top of them. There were dozens and dozens of magazine clippings of me in one pose or another, and there were photographs of me when I was a little kid, as a teenager, and more of that day in Emmet’s hotel room just before I gave him my virginity. There was even a picture of me in my maid of honor dress from Emmy’s wedding.