by L. D. Davis
“Ewww!” Emmy squealed.
“Emmet is a good-looking guy,” I said, pleading my case. “Incest is perfectly acceptable amongst cousins in some parts of the world.”
I took a long sip of the bubbly champagne.
“All right, I think we need to change the subject,” Tabitha said. “I’m so disturbed right now by Mayson’s familial fetish and knowing that Aunt Sam looked at my husband’s dick.”
More laughter. More dick jokes. More bubbly. It was turning out to be a great night.
Some time later, I don’t know how much, we got up to stretch our legs. We walked down to the water’s edge, dipped our toes in, and shrieked because it was so cold. We frolicked and splashed and laughed like we did when we were kids. Those summers so long ago were some of the ones that I did remember. Those days were the last bit of sunshine in my life before my days went dark with drugs and the turmoil I had brought onto myself.
I looked around at my cousins with a new appreciation. I loved them, flaws and all. I needed to forgive and forget about my bruised feelings because they had forgiven and forgotten so damn much for me.
“I know we’re all busy with life,” I said, grabbing their attention. “But we need to do this every year from now on, even if it’s not always at the same time of the year.”
Donya smiled. “I agree. I’ll make the time. I’ve made the mistake in the past of not making time for my family and friends. I won’t do that again. After Emmet and the kids, you guys come first.”
“I agree,” Tabitha said, smiling. “It’s a pain in the ass packing up all the kids to get up here, but it’s so worth it.”
“I have one condition,” Emmy said, her face serious. “Let’s not get into the habit of revealing our dark secrets when we’re here. I don’t want that to become our thing. We need to talk to each other. We need to confide in one another and support each other. I know as well as anyone that it is difficult to talk when something is wrong.” She looked at me as she softly confessed, “And sometimes it’s just as hard to listen.”
She took Tabitha’s and Donya’s hands into hers, and each of them took one of my hands. We stood in a tight circle, hands laced together, with the canopy of stars above us and the sea beside us.
“You just had to make it sappy,” I said, teasing.
“Do you think the guys are all standing in the back yard holding hands and making promises about their friendship?” Tabitha asked.
We broke out into laughter again, just imagining it. The seriousness had gone, but the love and newfound comradery with my cousins—my sisters—remained.
When we returned to the house, Luke was sitting outside on the dark porch with a sleeping Gracie in his arms.
“Hey, you,” Emmy said, leaning over to kiss him. “What are you two doing out here?”
“She was restless and I wanted to wait up to make sure you all got in safely. She finally fell asleep about a half hour ago.”
“I’ll take her up to bed.”
Luke transferred the baby into Emmy’s arms and she went inside, followed by Tabitha and Donya. They seemed anxious to get to their babies as well. Their boobs were probably leaking or something.
“Can I talk to you for a minute?” Luke asked before I could follow the girls inside.
I hesitated. I wasn’t sure if I wanted to talk. While we had been friendly with each other since the argument, our chummy relationship hadn’t been the same.
I didn’t owe this man any explanations or apologies. He was my cousin’s husband, not mine. However, I knew that he was a good man, and it wasn’t just about what happened to Emmy that had him so bothered. It was also about me. Luke would give me anything and do anything for me, as he would for most people—even those he barely tolerated. Under his occasional harshness was a big and generous heart. He didn’t have to care about anyone outside of his wife and children, but he did. He cared about everyone in that house, including me.
Reluctantly, I went to sit down in the chair opposite him. He leaned forward and rested his arms on his knees.
“I got so hung up on Kyle Sterling’s name, that I completely overlooked everything else. My first concern should have been for you, your safety and wellbeing, and not the fact that you are friends with him. For that, I am sorry, Mayson. I am also sorry for making you feel like your life or your career is less important than any of ours. I have been thinking about it for the past few days, and I can honestly say that I have no idea what you actually do at Sterling Corporation. I don’t really know anything about your life or your trials and tribulations.”
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose for a moment before continuing, his voice soft and remorseful.
“I can speak for myself, and I can speak for Emmy when I tell you that we should have been paying attention to you. If we had been paying attention, we would have known that something was off about you a couple years ago. We would have known something was wrong. I am really sorry that we weren’t there for you, Mayson.”
I was so taken aback by the apology that I silently stared at him for long moments before I found any words.
“I appreciate that,” I said quietly. “And for the record, I understand why you hate Kyle. I shouldn’t have brought him up. I can understand how that could be like salting an open wound.”
“Well, you should be able to talk about your work. You were right. I am unable to separate the man from the company and I need to work on that. I’m not going to lie and say that it doesn’t bother me that you’re friends with him after what he’s done, though. I’m having a tough time getting past that part. Maybe if he had done what he did to someone else, maybe if it hadn’t been the woman I love, then maybe I would feel differently. Maybe I could be forgiving. I know you think that the two of you are alike, and maybe that’s true, but I don’t see it, Mayson. I know you, at least, I know you well enough, and I don’t know him. I’ve seen your kindness and goodness in action. I haven’t seen his. I’ve only seen the aftermath of the things he’s done.”
“Well,” I said on a long sigh and gestured to myself. “I am a result of what he’s done. When I tested positive for opiates during a ‘random’ drug test at work, my employers gave me a choice: go to rehab for thirty days and substance abuse meetings after that, or lose my job. I knew I couldn’t fix myself. I had tried it many times before. I didn’t want to be addicted to drugs. So, I chose rehab, whether I got to keep my job or not.”
In choosing the rehab route, I had to make at least one person in my life aware of my circumstances, because I needed someone to take care of Dusky. The only person I’d trusted to not only care for my dog, but also not to judge me was Lily Sterling, but when I’d tried to reach her, she was dealing with a crisis at work. I didn’t want to put my dog into a kennel if I could have helped it, and I’d been working with a very limited timetable. I had to be on a plane early the following morning. Lily and Kyle had taken Dusky twice before when I’d gone to Chicago and Miami, so I was ninety-nine percent positive they’d take him again. However, I couldn’t wait for Lily to get back to me. I’d needed an answer immediately in case I had to find a different solution.
With much reluctance and dread, after I’d wrapped up some business in my office, I took the elevator to the twenty-first floor. A few minutes later, I stood in Kyle’s office.
It was only maybe the fourth time in my history with Sterling Corp that I had stepped foot into his office. Although he had been in my office many times to rave and rant, there had been one time Kyle had come to see me to ask for help.
It was more than five years ago, not too long after he and Lily began to get serious. I can still clearly see the vulnerability on Kyle’s face. I had been inwardly startled and shaken to see that hard-ass, arrogant man was capable of being vulnerable in any way. It was as if I had learned for the first time that the world was round and not flat, that space was infinite and you didn’t run into a wall at the end of it.
He’d told me that he didn’t remember ev
erything that had happened with Emmy. He’d been afraid he would hurt Lily, too. He’d asked me to tell him all the gritty details of what he’d done, but I didn’t know too much more than he did at that time.
“I have nightmares about me hitting her, punching her and more,” Kyle had said back then.
As he’d told me about his nightmares, it had made me think of my own nightmares, the fractured images that always seemed to be with me. I’d had a slight understanding of Kyle before, but until that day in my office, I had not realized just how very similar we actually were. We weren’t just in the same club; it was like we were the same person. He was me, but with a penis, and I was him, but with a vagina and boobs.
I knew how he’d felt. I knew exactly how he’d felt. He’d wanted to remember, but he had been terrified of remembering. He’d either remember what a horrible person he really was, or he’d remember how horrible other people were. Sometimes, it seems easier to stay in the dark, but Kyle didn’t want to be in the dark. It takes bravery and a stupendous supply of humility to retrieve memories that can unravel a person. I respected him for his decision to seek the truth, even if it had nearly broken him in the end.
I had never voiced those notions, though. Not to anyone. We’d carried on as we always had, with insults and bickering, and a general dislike of one another. Therefore, it had been pretty demoralizing to find myself standing before him in his posh office, gagging on my pride so that I could ask him for help.
“It must be very dire indeed if you have come all the way to my office,” he’d said in greeting. “I do not believe you have ever been in here.”
I’d given him a sour look.
“Well, I am convinced that every floor above the fifteenth floor are gateways to Hell.”
Kyle had leaned back in his chair. “What do you want, Mayson?”
I’d sighed. I hadn’t minded too much asking Lily for a favor, but asking Kyle for anything was going to kill me. I didn’t have a choice, though—unless I wanted to take Dusky to my mother’s, and that was not an option. Then she would have had to know that I had failed again.
“I tried to call Lily, but she was busy,” I started, taking a few more steps toward his desk. “I wanted to know if you guys could keep my dog, Dusky, for a little while.”
His brow furrowed. “For how long exactly?”
I’d answered quickly. “Approximately thirty days.”
He looked at me silently for a moment, assessing me.
“Are you going somewhere?”
My nerves were already frayed. Even though I was asking him for the favor, I couldn’t make myself keep a mild temper.
“Obviously, I am going somewhere,” I’d snapped. “Or I wouldn’t be asking you to take my damn dog.”
He had ignored my anger and continued to look too closely at me.
“Where are you going?”
“Are you going to take him or not?” I’d demanded.
“I’ll decide that after you’ve answered my questions,” he’d said, his voice hard. “Where are you going?”
I’d made a sound of exasperation, rolled my eyes, and looked up at the ceiling. “Unfuckingbelievable,” I muttered, even as I’d felt tears stinging my eyes.
I knew Kyle Sterling well enough to know that he wasn’t going to just let it go, not unless I walked out of that office with no agreement for him to take my precious pet. I’d needed him to agree because I’d needed to go to rehab. There was no other option for me.
“What the hell.” I’d shrugged, and finally looked at him again. “I’m already humiliated and shamed. What’s a little more humiliation and shame?”
I was angry that my voice had shaken. I was even angrier when tears began to spill out of my eyes before I could tell him the truth. Kyle Sterling was the last person I’d wanted to show my weaknesses to.
I’d thrown my hands up in frustration and resignation. “I am going to rehab. I bet you’re ecstatic to know that you were right about me. I’ve returned to my old ways. Go ahead. Gloat. Tell me what a loser I am and how worthless I am. Call me a junkie.” I’d shrugged and wiped away tears. “Throw it all at me. I don’t care if you do, just as long as you agree to take my fucking dog.”
Kyle had stared at me with an unreadable expression for several seconds. I’d waited for the onslaught of insults, but they never came. Instead, he’d stood up, grabbed a box of tissues off his desk, and then came to me, tilting the box toward me as an offering. Giving him a wary look through my tear-filled eyes, I’d taken several tissues and began to wipe my face and try to catch my tears as they fell.
“Sit down,” he’d said firmly as he gestured to a leather couch.
“I—”
“Sit. Down.”
I’d wanted to throw him a mutinous look, but I suddenly felt too drained to keep up any pretenses. I went to the couch and sat. Kyle remained silent as he’d gone to the other side of the room and pulled a bottle out of a cabinet. He’d poured dark amber liquid into two glasses and offered one to me. I’d taken it from him and sniffed it.
“It’s bourbon,” he’d said as he pulled a chair away from the front of his desk. He positioned it directly in front of me and sat down.
My voice had grown hoarse from crying. “I’m not sure if drinking bourbon hours before I’m supposed to report to rehab is the wisest thing for me to do.”
“You’re going to rehab for drugs, not for drinking.”
“And you know this how?”
“I’m not wrong,” he’d said easily.
After a moment, I’d agreed. “No, you’re not.”
I took a long sip of the bourbon. It had burned going down, but I’d welcomed it.
“For the record, I’m not happy about you going to rehab. I’m not glad you have a reason to go into rehab. I’m not right, either; you haven’t returned to your old ways.”
“But I’m doing drugs again,” I’d pointed out in a quavering voice. “I’m an addict again.”
“You’re always an addict. Once an addict, always an addict. Your addiction doesn’t go away. You either master it, or it masters you.”
I’d heard similar statements before, but it was as if I were hearing it for the first time. I took that in and let it digest for a moment.
“Why do you say that I haven’t returned to my old ways?” I’d asked.
His gaze was intense. It had locked me into place, and I could not look away.
“You are now a talented, respected, and indispensable member of the Sterling Corporation family. You have made notable strides within the company. In your personal life, you are independent and trusted by your friends and family. Whoever you were before, you didn’t have any of that. You have come so far. It is a very long way back to the old ways, Mayson, and I don’t believe you’ve slipped that far. Understand that I am not sugar coating this for you. I am not making your addiction into some small matter because it’s not. It’s serious. It’s life or death.”
He’d taken my empty glass from me and stood up. For once, I was speechless. Kyle Sterling had complimented me—had said nice things about me.
“We will take Dusky for you,” he’d said, after putting the glasses down. “We’ll keep him as long as you need us to.”
Slowly, I’d stood up. I’d looked at Kyle for a long moment as he leaned against his desk with his arms crossed.
“Why are you being so nice?”
At that, he’d scowled. “I’m not being nice. I’m being honest. Besides, you haven’t been the same pain in the ass over the past few weeks. I can’t verbally spar with someone whose brain is addled by drugs. Your forked, demoness tongue isn’t as sharp.”
Somehow, despite the tears, my fears, and my humiliation, I’d found a teasing smile.
“I think you like me,” I’d sang softly, followed by a hiccupping sigh from crying.
Kyle’s scowl had deepened. “I don’t like you, but…”
“But?” I’d raised an eyebrow.
“You are a remarkab
le and formidable adversary,” he’d admitted with bitterness, and then gestured to the door. “Get out of my office.”
“And you think I’m pretty,” I’d said, walking backward toward the door.
“You are pretty in the same way that decay smells sweet,” he’d deadpanned.
I’d paused. “So, you do think I’m pretty.”
“Get out!” he had roared, before physically removing me from his office.
Even as his door had slammed behind me, I’d felt a massive relief knowing that Dusky would be okay while I was gone. I’d also felt a determination I hadn’t felt before going into Kyle’s office. I’d realized that I had so much more to lose than I ever did before, and I was going to work hard to keep it all.
“By the time I got to Lily’s and Kyle’s that night to drop off Dusky, I was already feeling the effects of withdrawal,” I said to Luke. “The symptoms are horrible and unbearable. Even though my ultimate goal was to get off the drugs, I needed to take more, at least to get me through the night. It was obvious to both Kyle and Lily that I was suffering. They knew what I was most likely going to do when I left them. So, they convinced me to stay with them for the night. The truth was, I was too distracted by my symptoms to drive home anyway.”
While Lily had put their daughter Amara to bed that night, and while Kyle had gone back to my apartment to get the bags I had already packed, I lay in the guest bedroom writhing with increasing pain, and violently shivering. It had been so long since I had gone through withdrawal, and I’d been much younger. It seemed to me that this time around was far harder than it had ever been before, and it had only been about fourteen hours since I last took the drug.
“When Kyle came back, he came back with his father,” I said, and then quickly added, “Not his faux father. His Darth Vader father.”
Luke, who had been listening with intense interest, narrowed his eyes.
“The man who treated Emmy after Kyle hurt her?”
“Yes,” I confirmed with a nod. “Larkin. He gave me something to ease my symptoms. It wasn’t heroin, but it did make me high, as some meds used for withdrawal can do.”