by Ali Adler
Don’t get me wrong—it’s nice to finally hear about kindergarten three years later, but my son as much said the same thing. It was a good day, even great. The composite of these word binges are what make up the difference between how men and women process the same basic experiences. They may arrive at the same conclusion, but men take the shortcut and women take the longcut.
You’re Fighting More Because You’re Saying Less
It’s not that you guys don’t feel; you just don’t want to share your feelings. You don’t have to, because there’s no endgame. You don’t get anything out of it. In fact, you fear it may only create conflict. That is so much of the reason not to share, because as soon as you do, it gives her the ammunition for something to be contrary about. You will do anything to avoid fighting with her, because to you, it’s just a bloodletting of energy. And you truly do not have a map to the land mines, so you avoid the territory entirely. But what if you were actually doing the thing that triggered the fight? What if your silence was the true kindling for her anger? What if you’re fighting more because you’re saying less?
Here’s a giant fact that you need to memorize about women. (Or you can type it into the “Notes” section on your phone. You may tattoo it on your furry forearm; whatever you have to do to remind yourself.) Here you go: women think and relate to love and life in a different way than men do. Women want to hear shit out loud. Best example, albeit a familiar one, is February 14’s own: “I love you.”
You believe that the act of remaining faithful—staple-gunning a loose window screen shut, or wiping a child’s shitty bottom—says the exact same thing as “I love you.” Maybe it does, to you. These are awful tasks that someone would only do for a person that they absolutely love. BUT, you assume that the emotion can be inferred by these acts themselves: “I wipe poo (from the kid that I cocreated, btw); ergo, I love you.” X = Y, as if feelings were fucking math equations.
I get it, I do—saying it out loud in addition to executing these loving actions feels as redundant and repetitive as saying both “redundant” and “repetitive.” But it really does mean a lot to women—an entire group of people who are wired in a different way than you are. No, you wouldn’t put gas in an electric car, but you’d be an idiot not to put gas in one that requires gasoline. Women need gas; they need an outward external gesture that expresses your love for them. We need to actually hear the words aloud (or something similar) in order to know you feel them. “Last night he said he loved me. For no reason. (A beat) No, he wasn’t coming at the time.”
It’s the difference between how a woman correlates a special love song to the guy she heard it with, and nostalgizes the romance of that moment, versus the same guy who heard it with her. He may or may not remember that song, but if he does, he will probably associate it as the musical score for the terrific BJ he got that night.
And it doesn’t just stop there, either. We women need you not to just say the loving words. We also need you to do the loving things. Right here is the part where you say, “Wait, that’s why I stopped at the store on my way home after a very long day to get the milk and those all-important fucking seasonal white peaches. And why didn’t she just think ahead to buy diaper wipes? Plus she still wants me to turn the TV off and look her in the eyes while she tells me in tedious detail the world’s worst story of a bitch or asshole who has it for her at work (who I kind of think may have a good point, but I’d never say so).
And even if I do all of that, she will still say, “When was the last time we kissed? Like, really kissed, and not just before sex. But like the kisses in the beginning just because you loved the way my hair smells? Like you can’t help yourself. How come we don’t kiss like that anymore?” And then she makes that face. Eyes narrowed and pursed lips; the face of dissatisfaction. You pretend not to get it so you don’t have to hear about it more.
You feel judged and criticized. Congratulations! You finally noticed something. You’re absolutely right. We are judging and criticizing you. Sometimes we do it out loud; sometimes we do it through something called passive-aggression that feels just as bad for you. You may feel, or even say, “Why the hell do I bother making an effort, when all you do is criticize me and tell me that no matter how much I do, nothing is good enough?” You think, “I’ve just spent so much time listening to her boring story. I gave my opinion on what she needs to do to fix it (this will only make things worse, but you felt like you were helping). You say, albeit inside, “I listened for so, so long, taking tiny sips of oxygen, deep life-sustaining breaths to try to stay awake along the way. Then, when I guessed that she finally finished, I go to play a game of Super Hexagon on my phone, and she gets mad at me for disturbing our intimacy. We weren’t even fucking! She was talking about a lice infestation in our son’s kindergarten class! I can’t fix that. So what is the point of even trying?”
Don’t Disconnect Too Soon
Let me explain. She felt connected to you, and wanted to remain in that state. But you thought you had already fed her connection, so you felt like you’d earned disconnection. But, and here’s the part that is practically genetic: you disconnect at approximately the same frequency that she needs to connect. Just as she was relaxing into your being present for her emotionally (“Yay, he’s listening to me! Now, this is what love feels like. I can relax into it.”), you were like, “Phew, how the fuck can I get out of here?” This happens especially after sex. She feels very close to you emotionally, but you feel like you could use some space.
But you should really feel badly for me, because I have it far worse. When a woman loves and dates other females, it causes chronic time-consuming emotional conflict. I know you dread spending time in some back-and-forth nattering conversation about emotional dynamics that you could give two shits about. But gay women spend way more time in circuitous blabber, because no one has the genetic coding to remember that most of this stuff isn’t important or helpful to discuss. There’s no emergency stop valve. Women will literally go around in endless emotional conversation forever, until one of them gets hungry enough or has to pee.
The opposite of this condition is why gay men in relationships have so much sex. They express themselves physically (lotsa fucking!), while women together do a lot of pointless emotional dialoguing (lotsa talking!). Gay men have it so easy. It takes so much less time to take a shower and change the sheets (or not) than it does to get the residue off a really long emotional processing session.
I wish I could tell you that this interactive verbal demonstration of what she considers love to be something that could be avoided. And I hope you have the stomach to read this next bit of truth. Women will never require less of it. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news here. But I do assure you that the more you say it, then her search (the nagging, the criticism), the quest for the confirmation of your love will abate. That’s the naked economics of supply and demand amongst people of different genders.
Heads up: time spent arguing about what she doesn’t receive from you will take energy away from any potential for actual sex you may get. Or, even worse, that same time spent not having sex with you will become your woman talking to her friends analyzing your actions or inactions. It’s a trap. You become your own worst enemy here. As this is the energy she could be expending by giving you a blow job.
Women Analyze Everything
“What the fuck are you talking about?” you may ask. You have no idea about all the emotional dissecting that your wife/girlfriend/lover engages in, but it’s so much worse than you could ever imagine. Guess what? However much analysis your woman brings to your attention is nothing compared to how much she actually engages in. Fact: Your woman analyzes everything. Her musings about you (and what you do or don’t do) isn’t just something that she thinks about occasionally. I’m not talking about a small amount of time. Her analysis takes up as much time a day as you spend masturbating, or thinking about the next time you will masturbate.
Women analyze everything. “What did he me
an when he said that I look really nice today? Did I not look nice yesterday? Why is he going out of his way to compliment me? What did he do that I don’t know about? I’m checking his phone.” Or, the converse, “What did he mean when he didn’t say I looked really nice? I went out of my way to wear those heels he likes that are so fucking uncomfortable. I mean, I got botox injected into my forehead, and he didn’t even notice! And if he did notice, that would mean he’s aware of my wrinkles and age lines! I’m checking his phone.”
And women don’t only do this in their relationships with men; they do it with their friendships, as well. If you only knew the kind of elaborate thought processes and fossil explorations we delve into—exploring each nuance of text, call, voice mail, or the absence thereof—you would be completely floored. Men literally have no idea this takes place. Women probe every action and vocalization that people make. They lay them out on a forensic examination table and poke them with a scalpel. You may hear your woman on the phone or her nimble texting fingers running across screens, and be so relieved it isn’t directed at you, that you don’t wonder what the subject matter is.
Don’t be relieved—it is about you. Your woman is calling in others for a consult. My friends call me up and ask for a translation: “What did he mean when he said . . .?” I stick up for you guys, too. I say, he didn’t mean anything. At all. Wasn’t thinking about it. At all. And if he did, who cares? The moment is over, so why does it matter now? Coming back to it in conversation is only going to make matters worse. He has forgotten. He has zero knowledge of what you’re talking about, so move on.
But this won’t happen, because it’s real to her. So, she will decide to feel in a certain way about something she perceives you did. Then you come upon her decision regarding your behavior, and it is more dense and complicated than you might ever expect to run into. This is because she has made hard-core assumptions and conclusions. She has maybe even taken a jury poll from several of her friends. She has tried you and hung you, and you never even had a chance to present your side. You didn’t know you had a side. You were asleep or masturbating, or with the kids, or shitting or playing sports or drinking or working. Then when you come in contact with her, you see that she is “in a mood.”
What she really is, is swept up in her conclusions/convictions. You may wonder, “Why is she acting this way towards me?” You have no clue that she’s been rolling around in her perceptions for hours, days, and weeks, building a case against you—based either on something you did, or something she perceives that you did. Remember, men and women digest life differently. After she states her feelings either out loud (anger masks hurt) or by tears (crying is hurt), you get defensive. Then you are insensitive. Then you are doubly guilty. And you didn’t know any of this was even going on. You just wanted to sit and play a goddamn game on your phone.
Remember: women overanalyze everything, while men aren’t usually thinking about anything. Women examine the grooves of a notion. They make assumptions about a certain way you have done something or not done something, and believe it to be the truth. Something else to remember: everything you say and do, a woman takes personally. Everything you don’t say or do, a woman takes personally.
An example. She went out of her way to buy new sheets. You say nothing. Because you didn’t even fucking notice them. Maybe you just felt some abstract pleasant feeling like, oooo, sleep or oooo, sex. But, in her mind, she has a very different narrative. Couple of days ago, she noticed the rubber band thingy on the bottom sheet got ripped up by the dryer and so, even after working for nine hours and saying no to drinks out with her friends, she went to the mall, searched for an elusive parking spot, browsed for almost forty minutes for a new set of sheets, factored you in by dinging several options as too girly, imagined how the one she eventually selected would go with your bed pillows, dealt with traffic, picked up sandwiches for dinner (which bugged you because you prefer a hot meal at night) and finally she crawled into bed, exhausted, and you didn’t even mention these nice new blue sheets that—by the way—she also washed. She has had a totally different experience than you. She feels wholly unappreciated and unacknowledged for all that she does every single day.
This is how she handles everything. She fondles it and examines it, even though you’re either not clued in or have already moved on to the next thing. It’s not her fault; that is just her nature. No matter what you emit or don’t emit, she will hoard her tiny projections to form a case against you. This means you’re fucked—without ever getting fucked.
To summarize:
• You may go about it differently, but you both want the same thing: to be loved, acknowledged understood, and accepted.
• Hot war, versus cold war. Females want to engage in battle, but males want to tuck in their feelings and be quiet until those feelings fade away. Then you can “get back to normal.” You think she just wants to fight, but what she really wants is to engage emotionally. An example: She says, “How come you didn’t mention loaning some money to your brother?” You say, “He’s paying me back next week. It didn’t matter.” What this means for her is, “I am a partner here, why wouldn’t you just tell me?” What you’re saying is, “I don’t need to check with you about something I’m handling.” To her it’s not really about money, it’s about feeling included and a part of the process. To you, it never occurred to mention it because you don’t need her goddamn permission, plus it was already being dealt with, plus she’d never even know it was gone. But if you offer it up instead, not looking for permission but more as information, it will help her feel included. An emotion that doesn’t really register for you. In fact, you’d prefer she wouldn’t bother you with this type of boring detail in her life. To her, it speaks to—what else doesn’t she know? Point of fact, if you connect and share more often about seemingly innocuous information, your fights will dissipate. You will live in “normal” mode more often.
• Both genders need to be appreciated. Both men and women need acknowledgment of all they do, but women need to hear it said aloud. Men need more of a primal “attaboy”; touch and release is the best method. It’s not enough for women just to say, “You’re great at being a boyfriend, a spouse, a worker, a dad, provider.” Nope, you guys need physical acknowledgment associated with your appreciation. But, if you did say the same type of thing to her aloud—“You’re a great girlfriend, wife, mother, worker, caretaker, soup maker . . .” whatever it is you appreciate that you form your lips to acknowledge—she will be so happy you actually said it that she may return the compliment the way you prefer it, with her lips.
If eggshells walked on eggshells, that’s how you need to think about the few days right before your woman gets her period. No one wants to talk about this, but indulge me here. Menstruation: the apex of women’s gigantic monthly emotions are shed from their precious, exalted hole. The thing you covet the most becomes the thing that grosses you out the most! Women put men through the emotional wringer for three days before our cycle. Also, we never remember that our periods are coming; we never attribute our feelings to being informed by a monthly cycle. We believe, with every fiber of our beings, that our feelings are real, and they exist in the exact measure in which we share them. Women will never admit that these emotions may be souped up, steroid style, from whatever dose of PMS we are on. Our bodies confuse us just as much as we confuse you. And then, just as we are coming down, back from our zone of triple feelings, we bleed from where men want to stick their penises, but now they’re just too grossed out. (Bonus information for the men who are not grossed out by our periods: you guys gross us out.)
Vagueness Will Be Mistaken for Avoidance
Men and women have different ways of handling things, but the thing that ends up creating the most conflict is the interactive dance we have with each other. For example, women ask about your day because we like to share ours. When you are vague in your response, we assume you have something to hide. We ask too many questions to get to the bottom of thing
s. You feel encroached upon—mistrusted, privacy invaded—and then you are punitive and she is reactive. A fight ensues. Even if she asks the most banal of questions: “Who did you eat lunch with?” “Why are you wearing new underwear?” For you, this can feel like she’s a detective trying to ascertain details about your day. You think she is asking you to be accountable, when she just wanted to be included in your routine. Her natural instinct is to share. You intuitively select for more privacy.
Okay, the easy fix here is to give slightly more information to begin with. She will have heard information and communication (the kind she needs to give you), and will feel satisfied. We both only understand our own gender. We assume men are just being shy or shut down, or don’t feel like connecting right now, or are hiding things from us. But you’re actually just being you. She won’t get this, and she never will. So, to avoid this conflict, which you hate more than anything, adapt a little. Give us a shred of something about your day.
She wants to talk about an issue that is bothering her. You would rather light yourself on fire than schedule what you perceive as a later conflict. After all, she’s made a point of pinning you down about it; obviously it’s something you’ve done that has upset her. She knows how much you hate these talks, and yet she is doing this again. You anticipate criticism and react accordingly. A fight occurs, which is exactly why you wanted to avoid this conversation in the first place. Ah, but to her, it’s the avoidance of this scheduled communication that is creating the conflict.