by Ali Adler
Ali: Is there one piece of advice you’d hand out based on your personal experiences: how to get laid in just one sentence?
John: I can’t give a guy advice who only wants to go get laid, ’cause I don’t do that.
Ali: Okay, okay, let me reword it, see if I can sneak it past what a nice guy you are. Is there a piece of advice that will continuously connect someone to women? Not just a random person, but how to connect to a partner, a girlfriend or wife?
John: Well, sure. You have to think of them first. And if you do, ultimately, you’re going to get what you want, anyway.
Ali: Do you think because you’ve had more experiences with women, it allows you to be more aware than most men?
John: I always want to make sure a woman gets everything she wants and more before I finish, because once, you know, once men ejaculate, it’s kind of done. Like, “Where’s the pizza, let’s turn on the TV.” So, I want to make sure she’s good. But I guess that’s from experience.
Ali: Because that’s the man you are? Not because that’s the famous man you are?
John: I want people to have that experience of me as giving, but not just women, and not just a woman I may sleep with. Sorry, that’s not going to be interesting for your book.
Ali: My thesis isn’t for you to seem like you’re better because you’ve maybe had more, at all. It’s just to get the perspective of someone who has probably had more than most.
John: If I have done more, that’s not experience, that’s patience. Good things take a while. You have to think about giving first. I don’t just mean giving in sex, but giving, you know, in life.
And, by the way, yes, he paid for our breakfast, citing, “I have yogurt money.”
Bottom line, if you really are terrifically handsome, please become really great at something else. Learn from Stamos. Every man should pick up drumming because it will teach you a consistent sense of rhythm and, even better, listening for the beat of the whole band. Playing drums will get you laid. Also, I learned that anyone with an exceptional handicap like fame or wealth, or an unusually thick or long penis, should take up a hobby. Focus on something/anything outside of yourself, even though life will discourage you from doing this. You must learn to listen to needs other than your own. In sex and in life, polish the thing that is less shiny about you, and you will get laid more, and better.
Chapter 8
How to Fuck a Woman
(Size does matter: an extra-long, girthy chapter)
For those of you who thumbed or swiped directly to this chapter, congratulations. You do the exact same thing in sexual situations. In reading, just as in life, you cannot skip right to the best part and not expect to suffer the consequences of the shortcuts of ignorance. You’re running around plucking out only the heart of the artichoke, but there are still all those thorny leaves to pull. You need to do some work in order to appreciate the proper meat of the matter. I mean, sure, you can skip stuff, but you’re going to wind up doing a half-assed job. And this is a job you really want. Your inclination to skip to this final chapter is the exact same muscle you need to learn to curb in all things, not just in your fuck life.
Okay. Let’s say you have a live, willing adult female who wants to have sex with you. This is optimal. So let’s pretend you’ve never done this before. I know almost all of you have, but let’s pretend you don’t have a series of “moves”—habits you’ve accrued that we’ll call your sexual repertoire. Let’s not judge them, or what you’ve done in the past. Let’s just wipe our slate clean right now. Pretend, for argument’s sake, that you have no idea what you’re doing. So, as with anything new, you must approach it with a requisite wide-eyed wonder. You wouldn’t just jump headfirst into hang gliding or diamond cutting or catching a bullet with your teeth. And remember, you’re not going to be perfect the first day on the job. There is a practice to this business. The good news: practice is also fun.
The Vagina Golden Rule
I do not claim to know how to fuck every single woman. Each one is unique. There are no hard and fast rules, except to be willing to adapt to any given situation. Go with it. Pay close attention to what she says and does, as she generally provides all the hints you will ever need to complete this job successfully. But here is the most important Vagina Golden Rule. Do not do unto it as you would have done unto you. Everything about you is very different from a woman.
We must accept certain generalities about how to extract orgasms from the female gender. These are like the rules of poker. Then, we must wait and see the cards we are dealt, and apply these general rules to the individual. Each deal is unique. And each player brings her own history and habits, her “tells,” or the psychology of how she plays her hand. Your job is to read someone’s face (body, emotions, vagina) and glean how they’re wired, and know when she’s bluffing. Then we apply the general rules, knowing that these are the broad basics for successful interaction.
One of the most important things to remember is that while you get in the mood through physical connection, women also require a blast of emotional connection. That’s what some of the previous chapters have covered: how to state your feelings and acknowledge hers as different from yours. All of that has brought you to this chapter for some practical information.
You must pay attention to all areas of your performance. After all, with texting and Facebook and apps like Lulu (where women actually review and rate men, like a Yelp guide to guys), the information about your sexual acumen isn’t just some whispering about your reputation anymore. Women are making up for lost time and actually writing on the Internet bathroom wall. Everything, everywhere, all the time is now on your permanent record. So, please, try to do a good job.
Less Is More, Especially with Kissing
Now let’s break it down.
For women, the moment before the first kiss is sometimes better than the actual first kiss. Play along like you think so, too. A kiss is the litmus test for fucking. If your kiss is gross, often things go no further than this. Get it right and set things up in your favor.
A kiss should most usually start soft—no tongue at first—and just like sex, it should build in intensity. You’re the guy; most of the time, you take the lead. Be gentle, but strong, especially at first. Set the tone, but take cues from her. Don’t go leaping in. Your tongue is not a Mars rover; it is not an exploration device programmed to bring saliva samples back to NASA. As Robert Browning wrote, “Less is more.” Mies van der Rohe borrowed this as a concept for minimalist design. Minimalism is a good rule of tongue. Obviously use your tongue a little, but pay attention to the way she responds.
Almost every woman I know has endured a bad-kissing experience:
“One guy kissed me like he was sticking his tongue through a peephole.”
“One guy kept exhaling deeply into my mouth. Sighs of relief, or resuscitation?”
“One guy kept kissing me like he learned how from watching the quiet, slick-haired men in black and white movies.”
“One guy kissed me like he was a dental instrument, checking each molar for plaque.”
Kissing is as easy as anything else. Taking her cues and being in synch while acting like you know what you’re doing. Carrying yourself with confidence.
Don’t forget your hands, either. Use them, but not yet in an overtly sexual way. Make her feel safe; let her know that your hands are strong and in the exact right place they should be for a kiss. Her neck. Shoulders. Her waist. Maybe the small of her back, as you draw her in. The way in which she leans into you will give you more insight. Don’t startle her by squeezing her tits. It will feel too invasive, too quickly. I know you want to squeeze them because a kiss says yes, and tits are the precursor to a vagina. Vagina, ergo, precursor to penis. If you get to penis, it’s going to get you to that awesome release.
But calm the fuck down and pay attention to her cues. If she wants her tits squeezed (fondled sounds so Brontë sisters), she will continue to kiss you. She will probably put her hand
s around your neck, now allowing you free access. So put off the boob takedown for a few more seconds. Exhibit discipline. Count to yourself. Break your nature. Wait a little longer than you want to. Just a little. One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. So much of good fucking is delayed gratification and the glory of the buildup. So, okay, you’ll move your hands to her breasts. If she responds well to this, stay there longer than you might want to before trying to crazily dash around the bases. The base system has fucked up many generations of overly anxious men. Four Mississippi.
The Tease Is Better Than the Squeeze
Regarding breasts: every woman is, of course, different. Look at all the diverse sizes and shapes of breasts out there. Of course they all feel different to their variety of owners. I would say, in general, breasts aren’t as big a turn-on for us to have squeezed as for you guys to squeeze them. Mostly because we don’t trust you. Sometimes too little or too much touch can be annoying. And you can’t always know what we want in any given moment. So err on the side of caution, unless instructed otherwise. Nipples are extremely sensitive—or more rarely, not at all. Usually though, a giant overzealous tug can actually hurt, ripping a lady right out of the mood. And then instead of getting prepared to stick it in, you’ll be like, “Oh, sorry, sorry . . .”
One must approach these delightful orbs gingerly, and adapt accordingly. A sound of pleasure emitting from their owner might encourage you to continue the kind of touch you’re using. But, regardless of the noises she may be making, don’t keep up a too constant, too strong grip. Stop as soon as she gets too used to something. The rule is soft, and then not-soft. Gentle to slightly rougher, never too rough—unless she passionately screams at you to do otherwise—that’s the build. In all of this. The whole thing. From kiss to squeeze to finger to lick to fuck. It’s all a give and take, and then loop back again. It’s moving from gentle to a little more intense, and then back. Constant nipple stimulation can be extremely grating. We don’t want to admonish you but we will retreat, sometimes just in our heads, by disengaging and disconnecting if it’s too annoying.
We are the same as you in this area. We are the same as you are in every other interactive dynamic. We will tune you out to get it done. We love sex when it’s performed properly. But if it’s not done the way we like it, sometimes rather than correct you in the middle of it and risk hurting your fragile ego, some women may grin and bear it (see: faking orgasms) just to get through it. It’s women’s version of men listening to our overly detailed, often irrelevant stories about our incredulity over some guy at work whose kidneys continue to function despite the fact that he drinks forty cups of coffee every day.
How many men have ever faked an orgasm if a woman is lousy at sex? In general, you don’t care if a female is bad at sex as long as you’re having sex. Either way, odds are, even if she’s total crap at it, you will come.
So, if you want to keep us in the game, don’t fixate on the boobs because you’ll distract or annoy us to the point of quitting. Don’t go squeezing everything all the time. Some women like it rougher, but even then, it’s often the absence of what a woman wants that arouses her the most.
Rhyming rule of thumb: the tease is often better than the squeeze. And, oh please, I know it’s tempting, but don’t suck too much or too hard on the nipples. They’re very sensitive, but it also makes her think your mom didn’t nurse you properly, which grosses her out. Neither does she want a million tiny tongue circles around and around in annoying Apolo Ohno speed-skating repetition. Everything in sex is catch and release. It’s both repetition and switching it up. Until it’s not.
Deciphering the Confusing Parts
In order to fuck a woman, you have to understand what it is you’re dealing with down there. And no lady wants to lie back on the bed with her legs open and the lights on. She doesn’t want to take out a laser pointer and indicate which parts of her require the most, or gentlest attention. There are lots of confusing parts to deal with, I know. It’s overwhelming. It’s practically an astronomical constellation: labias minora and majora. It’s why men generally prefer less pubic hair. It’s one more mystery removed; one less layer to decipher. Maybe they can try to piece together what the hell is going on down there if it’s bald. I know that the totality of the vagina scares you. It scares us for you. Provided you can get it up, your genitals are fairly simple. Something provides friction and presto, blasto. But our private parts are like complicated motherboards. You need a loupe and gloves just to check out what the fuck you’re working with down there.
Now I’m sure women will yell at me here when I say what a complicated-looking thing a vagina is upon initial presentation. The expression upon first seeing it must be the face people make when they travel to Paris, order the exotic-sounding escargot, and are stunned to receive a plate of snails. Sure, after eating the butter and garlic–drenched mollusks, most agree they’re delicious. But what a stunning first impression. A vagina must be quite the curiosity to have to decipher upon first introduction. This is why I’m here to help.
Let’s part the constellations, labias majora and minora, and discuss the two most important areas: the location of the clitoris, and the actual part of the vagina that has always interested you. From Boardwalk to Park Place, the most expensive and fantastic real estate that exists in the canal, the length between the vulva and the cervix.
The Most Sensitive Spot in the World
Now, some men refer to the clitoris as the Little Man in the Boat. This seems odd, as it implies that a man always sits in the same northern seat in a boat, and an ignorant man might take a southern seat closer to the anus if he didn’t know any better. Also, “clitoris” sounds like something added to toothpaste to keep your teeth extra white. But let’s please stop referring to it as “the little man in the boat” or a woman’s “tiny penis” or a “pleasure button.” Let’s simply refer to it as the key relevant area near the vagina that will get your woman off.
How can I write a book about fucking a woman without using the word? You know the one with the uncatchy nickname: clit. Testicles have so many adorably catchy nicknames . . . balls, nuts, sac, all so much more squirrel related and animated than they actually are. But “clit” is harsh sounding. Maybe you don’t want to say it aloud, but please don’t forget about it.
Let’s assume the statistic is true that 80 percent of all women cannot achieve an orgasm through intercourse alone. The rare sighting of the Loch Ness vaginal orgasm only occurs in about 20 percent of women. The most sensitive spot on her needs direct, or even better, indirect but adjacent stimulation, until fruition. She doesn’t have a wide expanse of super-sensitive skin for her genitals the way you do; instead, she has this one tiny but powerful cluster. Of course penetration feels good and amazing, but for her to actually come, most likely you will need to perform a secondary motion that rouses her clit.
If she comes while you are inside her, without your stimulating her clitoris directly with your hand, then your body (probably your abdomen) is somehow pushing consistently against her clitoris. The continuous motion of your thrusting may make her come. But any way you slice it, it is almost always some stimulation of her clitoris that will finish her off.
Besides how she feels about her weight, her clit is the most sensitive area on a woman’s body. As little girls, we were all taught not to kick our brothers in the balls because their testicles were so super-sensitive. Whatever is inside testes will cure cancer, so don’t jostle them in any way. The fate of the world relies on these things. But a woman’s clitoris is even more sensitive. In fact, direct pressure will make her squirm away and in the worst-case scenario, shoo you out of the bedroom. But if you’ve located this zone and can find the opposite of your instinctual touch, you’ll cause much pleasure for this woman.
Eight Thousand Nerve Endings Deserve Special Treatment
Despite what you may think, the clitoris is nothing at all like a tiny penis. Please don’t think it is, even if, biologically, it
originated from the same bundle of tissue in utero. Generally speaking, it doesn’t want hard friction. There are many variations in how different women like to be touched here. Sure, some like to be mashed with chronic pressure, and constantly stimulated. But these women are in the minority. These types of clitorises, and the woman attached to them, are luckier for you because this is more how you touch yourself. But the more common clitoral proprietor is the woman who enjoys only a smidge of pressure, then less pressure, then more pressure, then less pressure, then consistent pressure (albeit lighter than you may imagine)—and then she’ll come.
So, just as in life, you must treat her clitoris the opposite of what your instincts encourage you to do. You think, “Oh, if this is a woman’s most sensitive area (like your own jolly penis), then I’ll give it the same friction and strength that I like.” Uhm, no, stop that. Your penis is a hunk of skin, and the whole thing is quite sensitive. But, in general, the bulk of our pleasure emanates from this one tiny zone, so it has far more nerve endings. Allegedly eight thousand nerve endings, which is four times the amount as on the head of your dick. It’s the fucking epicenter and the epicenter of fucking, so please, be respectful. Be gentle.