How to F*ck a Woman

by Ali Adler

  When you touch this precious gem, make sure your hands are clean and fingernails trimmed. Take your hands and approach it with the same tenderness as if you were to delicately lift a ladybug off an octogenarian nun’s habit, or pick a tiny eyelash off your six-year-old daughter’s face in order for her to still be able to qualify for a decent wish. Please don’t take a run at that thing. You don’t want to squash it. You sidle up next to it and, like a magnet and iron, allow it to lean towards you. It’s a bull’s-eye, but the area around it is also very sensitive, so those points count, too.

  If you are near it but not on it, the woman will bend herself into you, allowing a passive touch that, if you are paying attention, is instructive and will allow you to continue purposefully and with confidence. Yes, the clitoris is so smart that if you’re touching it properly, it will actually encourage you. If you are listening well, it will almost always tell you what to do. It’s the brain of the operation. If you are gently moving it, your woman will make pleasureable noises. These noise emissions are trying to guide you and encourage you to continue doing what you are doing.

  Touching a woman there is a little like very tiny cross-country skiing. You don’t mash the snow down. You move your feet gently back and forth, gliding across the top of the snow, trying to get to your destination. Pretend your finger is one ski and the tip is touching the snow. Your finger is the elliptical machine of the clitoris. But keep in mind the aforementioned bull’s-eye wisdom; you don’t always need to hit the nail right on the head. Sometimes the best area of the epicenter is slightly off to one side or the other (still on it, just not directly on it, we collectively beg you). If you listen carefully to her breathing, you should know if she’s a middle of the road, a lefty, or a righty. And if you blindly do your elliptical movements directly atop the belly of the beast, it can take her off track and there she is again, back at square one. It’s a woman’s version of the pinball machine’s tilt button. You will be exhausted and impatient and she will be annoyed, and no one will have won.

  Basics about Fucking That Every Man Should Know

  A few basic things to know about fucking a woman.

  Women are extremely aware of their bodies. Most of them live in their heads. They spend so much time in there, having imaginary conversations with you. They need permission to exit. You can help them with this by connecting emotionally, as we’ve discussed earlier, but another huge hurdle to overcome is to help women push past their own innate inhibitions. You may ask, “God, when does it stop with these people? When is enough, enough?” I know, I get it. Sorry. I don’t know what to tell you. If women are too complicated for you, go fuck a man. Attracted to their genitals or not, they are way simpler. The dick gets hard, it needs release. If you want a woman—and I do, too—it just is this complex. In general, the less complicated of us are less interesting. Some do exist, but they are usually your mothers, so that won’t work out, either.

  So much of sex for women is mental. Sometimes women’s body insecurities or inhibitions won’t allow them to relax. Here is where you come in. When you get down there, your face right up on her, as an overall tonal note, you must behave as if her vagina is the greatest thing you’ve ever smelled, tasted, and had the privilege to be near. She must believe that she is letting you eat the Cinnabon that is attached to her body.

  No matter how you really feel about it or how intimidated you are, she needs to believe you’ve never been near such a source of sweet light. Her vagina, and all your senses that have the privilege of being near it, are meeting the pope. (Yes, pussy and pope were just in side-by-side sentences.) Her vagina is the fountain of youth. It’s true; all roads have led up to this delectable moment. Make believe that it is the apex of all positive things that have ever happened to you in life. And maybe it is. But if you demonstrate that this is your attitude about it, she will take a page from your behavior and feel like it, too. Even if you’re not that good at going down on a woman yet, you will make her feel so relaxed in this moment that she will help you by being very open with communication, verbal and nonverbal. The clues that she emits are invaluable.

  Truth is, love it or not, you have to eat it like you love it. Like the Sugarhill Gang sings, it’s like going over to your friend’s house to eat when you were a kid; you don’t know what the fuck his parents are going to serve you. Maybe it’s nothing you’ve ever eaten before, nothing that looks or tastes like what your family has ever prepared for dinner—but, to make everyone feel good, you’re going to have to clean that plate. You must eat that gloppy gravy-riddled pork chop as if it’s the most delicious thing you’ve ever tasted, the best dish you’ve ever been served. You love it. You ask for seconds before finishing your firsts. You sop up the sauce with your bread, savoring each bite. You ask your friend’s mom how she made it; you want to give your own mother the recipe. This analogy is getting slightly too Oedipal, but you get my point. If you clean your plate like you’ve never tasted anything more delicious, you’re going to get asked back for dinner another night. Love it, sniff it like it’s a very expensive bottle of wine, be into it, and delight in it. Make her feel like she’s the best wine you’ve ever swallowed. Twenty bucks a sip.

  Yes, it is a physiological game, but you will put the woman so at ease with your being down there that whatever you choose to do, right or less right, she will go with it. You do get points for enthusiasm here. Make her feel like if she were to take away your right to eat her pussy, you’d be devastated. A kid unable to eat the Tootsie Roll center of the Tootsie Pop. If she is shy, fight for your right to eat her. Demand it. Say it’s selfish, that it turns you on, that you want to do it not for her, but for you. She will get so into it that it may actually become your favorite dish.

  Practice on a Peach

  You don’t need to have an actual vagina available to practice this, although it sure does help. But, if necessary, you can practice on your own time, too. Take a tip from T. S. Eliot and go out and dare to eat a ripe peach. If you don’t like peaches, I don’t give a shit; pretend that you like peaches. Ripe peaches are juicy and messy. They are not neat to eat. Softly press your lips up against it, like you’re going to whisper something super sexy to this piece of fruit. Move your lips on it gently, feel the light fuzz of the peach touching and tickling your lips. File away this memory. It seems so insignificant and small, but this level of sensitivity training is everything. This is vaginal boot camp. Do tongue push-ups until it hurts.

  Bookmark your awareness, because you’re going to need it later when you get rid of this dummy stone fruit and replace it with the real thing. Drag your tongue across it. In real life, you will be doing this to figure out what’s what and part her down the middle. You can also just part her area very gently with your hands. As if clasping your hands in prayer, which couldn’t hurt, open up all the lips that totally fucking confuse you. You won’t fuck this up if you stay away from the sensitive tippy-top, initially. Smell her with joy, as if she is some sort of delicious baked good, warm and fresh from the oven. You can’t wait to gobble this down. Then, lick it a little, using the tip of your tongue at first to get your bearings, metaphorically sipping it and then, tongue flatter, lap it gently up and down now as if you are a cat who spilled your damn saucer of milk in there. I know you think you’re eating her pussy now, licking it like this, and you are, but this is still the amuse-bouche, as it were.

  Most of this is really just priming her pump. Make sure it’s as good and goddamned juicy as all those peaches you spent your summer checking for bruises and practicing on. If you lick this thing with the flat middle of your tongue, at the top of her, there is a very responsive area that won’t flatten or mash down with your lick. This is the super-sensitive clit, and as I’ve mentioned, it is an area of gentle caution but also of potentially fantastic glory. Now, I’m asking you not to be intimidated by this thing, but do not yet touch it directly with your tongue. Instead, purse your lips LOOSELY around the whole area as if it is a nuclear warhead/tip of a str
aw. Create a light vacuum suction around it with the same lip sensitivity, as you were able to ascertain the light fuzz of the peach. Now go gently back and forth with little slow kitten licks inside of your mouth vacuum. Get her into a relaxed rhythm of your being here. Faster, slower, but the same pressure. A consistent motoring of your tongue. Let her trust your mouth.

  This can go on for a while. And then, whoa. Just stop. Don’t move out of position even a centimeter (I only hand out cunnilingus tips in metric). Just stop your tongue. Lightly break the vacuum seal. Wait, what? She will be irked; she was just getting into it. If she is in the proper head-space from your head, she will grind into you to encourage you/compliment what you were doing. Now you will have a fair gauge of how much she liked it, and you are also using the catch-and-release method described earlier. Here and gone. Tame her, and then make her feel your absence, if only for what feels for her like a terribly long second. She will think this is cruel, a good/mean tease, especially as her rhythm intensifies. But she’ll also respect you for knowing the cues of her body. It’s the same rule as all the rest of these chapters: “know me.” Don’t do this trick too many times, as it can seriously throw everything off and ruin all your hard (but fun) work. Try it out a couple of times. She may respond by reaching down and mashing your face further down into her, which is a great sign that things are going very well.

  Using Your Fingers and Hands

  Going down on a woman requires a certain one-man-band quality of lovemaking that can be physically arduous. But, ultimately, it’s an investment in yourself, so learn to do more than just use your tongue while you’re down there. A guy I worked with once told me the reason he never went out dancing with his wife was although he understood intuitively how his body should move to the beat, he admitted, “I don’t know where to put my hands.” And I don’t either when I’m dancing. But I know where to put them when going down on a lady.

  Make solid use of the excellent tools attached to your body, these hands of yours. They can be underneath her, squeezing and happily grabbing two ass cakes. Or they can be holding her thighs apart or even pushing her legs apart for your easier and eventual access. But it’s also fair to say that a snack, let’s call them finger foods, won’t spoil her dinner. Fingers take nothing away from what you will soon provide for her with your dick. However, to my recollection, your dick can’t bend and contort the way a finger can inside a woman. Teasing her with your finger or fingers is like a very gripping trailer, a coming attraction to the main feature that you and your penis will soon be playing.

  A side note on fingering: you may wonder, “What’s in it for me? How does fingering her help me out at all?” Think about your car’s dipstick. How it is an empirical reading of what’s going on inside your car’s oil thingamajig. This gives you a fair test of your woman’s natural viscosity levels. Simply, wetness is confirmation that she’s into it. It will illustrate to you very clearly that if your levels are low, add some oil. Use your finger as a dipstick; obviously your tongue won’t work.

  Which brings me to your tongue. If your dipstick does show low internal moisture, you’re not done with foreplay. Don’t be confused here. Her vagina seems wet. Of course it is; you were just slobbering all over it. Make sure this wetness is her wetness, and not your saliva. So get out that dipstick finger and check your lady’s internal moisture levels. If she isn’t wet enough and she’s telling you she’s into it, that she’s all ready, she’s a liar. You simply haven’t done enough to get her going, or she’s just not into you. The vagina never tells lies, that sweet thing.

  A sort of science test: touch your thumb and forefinger together. If there’s a slight stickiness, congratulations, you’ve struck oil! I know, this seems like a terrific time for you to put your penis inside her now that the traffic light appears to be very green-for-go, but just like before, hang on. One Mississippi. Two Mississippi. Three Mississippi. As you resume your light vacuum seal on her clit while simultaneously licking and sucking lightly, stick one finger (you can always add more; they aren’t very far away and cost absolutely zero to access) inside her as you lick. You can use the middle finger, the traditional “fuck” finger and/or its Sir Lancelot finger standing by, the index finger. Or maybe your personal preference is the “fuck” finger plus the ring finger that can also act in concert as a helper friend.

  Prior to putting this or these fingers up inside her, please take the time to notice: your digits are divided into three sections. Technically they are the distal phalanx, the middle phalanx, and the proximal phalanx. You can examine their bends during your summer peach-eating sessions. Now, look—if you turn your fingers towards you, there is a natural curl to them; they don’t only shoot out straight. Practice this “c’mere” gesture using these fingers. Now, as they enter your woman, gently at first, use this same “c’mere” action. In fact, this finger or fingers, while inserted straight, should now be bending backwards into the letter C if they are hitting the area they are supposed to. They are on a very specific quest right now. They crook backwards towards the attic of the vagina. For orientation purposes, the tips of them should be pointing back at you. “Wait. What . . . why?” you may ask. “Why wouldn’t they just go straight on up into her (emulating your cock)?” Because right now you’re attempting to find the elusive G-spot. This is where it lives, up in this secret annex.

  Still in this same “c’mere” position, tap-tap-tap your fingers on the attic of her vagina with your fingers in this button-hooked formation. One clue that you’ll know you’ve finger-stumbled into it is that the skin where you’re tapping is slightly rougher to the touch. Another, larger clue should be her quickened breathing and sudden agreement, “Yes! Yes!” Her new manners, “Please! Please!” Or her interest in religion, “Oh God! Oh God!” With a degree of practice, you can even continue to pleasure her with your tongue while tap-tap-tapping on this often-forgotten-about area. Listen to her breathing as she starts to come. Between all the licking and the tapping, stay consistent with your movements. Hallelujah!

  How to Know When to Stick It In

  After she finishes coming, your dick is now on deck. But, just when you think she’s finished, pause for a few seconds and then maybe even start the whole oom-pah-pah band up again. Some women can come multiple times. The point is, finish her off good, as many times as possible, and that number may just be one. Many women don’t orgasm multiple times. Some do. Don’t push it if she seems happy. But when she is done, go ahead and fuck her. Try to take your time, but don’t worry about it; she’s satisfied. You have wholeheartedly earned this now. See? Doesn’t it feel better to have worked so hard plucking out all those pesky, pointy artichoke leaves, and not just quickly gobbling down the heart?

  Of course when you get good at all of this, you can switch it up. So much of sex is knowing the person you’re doing it with and what she enjoys and responds to. Once you familiarize yourself with your partner’s likes and how her unique body responds and operates, you can manually stimulate her while you simultaneously fuck her. If you can master this, you’ve got a shot at the really big win: coming at the same time. But don’t get too caught up in that. If you can’t come together, just prioritize her orgasm. We all know you’ll come. Just make her come before you do. Then you can check it off your list and be totally selfish. Or another option is fuck her then pull out before you finish up. Focus only on making her come so she mistakes you for a man who cares. Then, afterwards, do whatever the hell you want; come in ten quick and easy strokes. You’re cool with her.

  An overall tonal tip; one that is true in all pieces of fucking and/or seducing a woman emotionally or otherwise. It is conquer and retreat.

  Sure, you should fuck her, but the absence of fucking her leaves her in a state of wanting, which is almost as pleasurable. The longing and loss are physiologically/psychologically just as important as all the ramming and coming. It can’t just be ram-ram-ram-pound-pound-pound, although I’m sure that’s fun, too, but it’s also the art of
the tease. Don’t just jam it on up there—go gradually so even those of you with less down there can feel like a much bigger deal when you’re eventually using all of what you’ve got.

  The Erogenous Zones of a Female (the dos and please do-nots)

  The Brain. DO. I know this is a very annoying answer, but it’s also very, very true. Head space is such a key area of sexual connectivity with women. Use your mouth. Yes, yes, sure cunnilingus, absolutely. But so much of who a woman is sexually is about how she’s feeling inside her brain. It is extremely unusual to find a woman who, say, looks at a photo of a stranger’s dick and scratches one out. (Your version of random porn, which we know excites you.) We are a less visceral bunch than you, in general.

  Broadly speaking, a woman is aroused by her connectivity with you, although she may have internal distractions. Do your best to clear her mindfield and command her attention. A woman needs mental stimulation as much as you need the opposite. So use your mouth this way, too: talk dirty. Set the stage. Force her to pay attention to what’s actually happening right now in the moment. Allay her insecurities. Put her in a different head space than where she is now. She may be worrying about her day at work tomorrow, or if your thirsty four-year-old will wander into your room just as you finally get Mommy up on all fours. “Oooo, uhhhh, Daddy and I are playing choo-choo. Yes. Daddy does get to be the caboose.”

  Maybe she is distracted; wondering when was the last time she showered or if she’s too bloated from the big meal you just ate, or if her period is really finished up yet. These things matter to her. I know, you don’t care about any of that stuff when you’re all worked up. (YOU are a human male animal engaged in a primal mating ritual. This is supposed to be a dirty business, and you fucking love it!) But she does get caught up in her brain, so it’s up to you to distract her from her internal concerns and inhibitions. Dominate her mentally. Command her attention. If she’s too quiet, it means she’s drifting off into a haze of fears, daily internal nagging, or insecurities. Make it so there’s no wiggle room for her to go back to her work to-dos or thinking about where she may have stored your child’s inoculation card. I know this seems impossible, because for you, sex is so in-the-moment and tactile, but women have a very distractible mental component as well.