“No, I don’t think so. He said the next check is in four weeks.”
“Good. I still have high hopes for this one, I don’t want them giving us one of the new strains to replace it. I’d hate to have it traded out this early.”
Me too, Amber thought to herself as she went to her room to get her book. She was glad he had agreed with her, but she knew better. The extra hours of work weren’t enough to affect the weight this drastically.
She settled in beside the ration, quickly reading a few pages before the light disappeared from the sky. Her heart began to ache as it stood up to get her blanket, and she couldn’t stop thinking about the impending harvest. It seemed ridiculous to admit that she had grown attached to it, but the lump of sorrow in her throat told her that whether she admitted it or not, the truth remained the same.
The blanket settled around her shoulders, and she glanced up as the ration took its place next to her. She smiled at it, leaning her head against its arm as she moved closer. The question she had been asking herself resonated in her heart, and she knew she couldn’t deny the answer any longer.
This creature was her friend, and despite how strange it seemed, part of her loved it.
†‡†
CHAPTER FOURTEEN
The anniversary of her sister’s death was drawing closer and closer, and like every year, Amber could feel a heaviness in the air as December arrived. The ration’s company made the sorrow that accompanied her anticipation of the approaching date a bit more tolerable, but she hadn’t been able to stop thinking about the harvest. Knowing that her time with the ration was growing shorter by the day was heartbreaking, and she found herself trying to come up with ways to delay the harvest. She knew it was impossible, but everything in her yearned for some sort of hope despite the inevitable.
The next weight check was a more pressing concern, and Amber’s father had decided to cut back on the ration’s work load to ensure that it would meet its growth target. It seemed pointless to put in extra hours, anyway; despite their efforts, they had found only a few pounds of salt. Their quota was due in a little more than two months, and she could tell that her father was starting to panic.
After returning from the grid each afternoon, Richard would look for any tasks that would earn salt, and he had spent the past few days retrieving buckets of mud from inside the cistern to patch broken sections of a neighbor’s wall. The cistern needed to be made deeper anyway, so he would receive pay both from the settlement and from the neighbor whose home was being repaired. Amber had offered to go along on these jobs out of courtesy, but so far her father had declined, telling her that they weren’t tasks that required more than one set of hands. She was grateful, glad that her time with the ration wouldn’t be interrupted.
Today was no different. She watched her father leave as he headed into the settlement to find work to do, then she beckoned to the ration. It sat down beside her and she opened the book, taking a breath as she began to read.
“What are you doing, Amber?”
Amber jumped, throwing the book as terror flooded through her veins. Her eyes darted forward, coming to rest on John’s face peering at her from around the corner of her house. She stared at him in shock, watching as he glanced back and forth between her and the ration, then his eyes narrowed as he stepped into full view.
“What’s going on?” he asked slowly. She leaped to her feet, trying to hide her fear with anger.
“You scared me to death, that’s what!” she snapped, glaring at him. “What the hell are you trying to do?”
John cocked his head.
“Are you reading to that thing?”
“Are you stupid? Of course not!”
“I heard you!”
“You heard me reading, you moron!” she hissed. “Not reading to it!”
“Right. That’s not what it looks like to me.”
“I don’t care what it looks like to you! I read out loud, big deal!”
“Since when?”
“Since forever! I’ve always done it!”
He crossed his arms.
“I’ve never once heard you read out loud.”
Amber scoffed.
“What do you want?”
John shrugged.
“To see you. Why isn’t that thing inside like it’s supposed to be?”
“Because I’m the one responsible for it, John,” she huffed. “I’ll be the one to blame if something happens to it, and I don’t want to let it out of my sight!”
He raised a brow.
“You’re worried something is going to happen to it inside your house.”
She hesitated for a moment, then smirked.
“You wouldn’t understand, you’re not allowed keep your family’s ration yet.”
The look on his face instantly changed, and she knew she had him.
“You know what, Amber? I’m done. I came over to spend time with you because I actually thought I missed you, but you treat me like I’m nothing no matter what I do.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t want company from someone crazy enough to think I’d be reading to a ration. Better hope no one finds out that you’re losing your mind.”
His eyes filled with fear, and she felt herself relax.
“You would really report me?”
The look of betrayal on his face made her feel guilty for a moment, but she lifted her chin, steeling her nerve.
“Go away, John.”
“Believe me, I am,” John said angrily. “I’m done trying to be nice to you, I don’t care anymore.”
He spun on his heel and stormed off, and she rolled her eyes. The ration hadn’t moved during the entire exchange, but now it stood to its feet, picking the book up from where it had fallen and handing it to her.
“That was close,” Amber whispered, giving it a long look. “If anyone finds out, they’ll think I’m crazy. Everyone is scared of crazy people, like they think it’s something you can catch. We’ll have to be more careful.”
She gulped, knowing full well that the short encounter could have gone very badly. She was lucky it had been John and not her parents.
It was getting dark, and Amber sat down, placing the book beside her and drawing her knees up to her chest.
“It won’t be long now until the anniversary,” she said. “It feels like forever ago most of the time, but when the anniversary comes up, it seems like it’s happening all over again.”
The ration glanced at her, and she gave it a slight smile.
“I’m glad you’re here this time. It makes it a little easier, I don’t feel so alone.”
It moved closer, this time leaning against her, and she sighed heavily. It wouldn’t be here next year, next year she would be alone again. Her throat began to ache, and she stood up. She didn’t feel like sitting outside tonight.
* * *
The next day, Amber’s father told her he would need her help after work.
“Why?” she asked, looking up from digging.
“A job. Worth three pounds of salt.”
Her eyes grew wide.
“Really? For who?”
“Frank Green. He was injured yesterday, a part of his grid collapsed and he may have broken his leg. His wife was hurt, too, torn ligament in her shoulder or something like that. They’ll heal soon enough, but in the meantime, at least we have a job.”
Amber frowned. As much as they needed the salt, she hoped the job wouldn’t take long so she could spend the evening with the ration.
The workday ended, but when she met her father outside her house to accompany him into the settlement, he told her to wait.
“I won’t need you until later, my dear,” Richard called as he left. “I have a few things to do for someone else first.”
“Well, how long will it be?”
“I’m not sure, but I’ll come get you,” he answered, disappearing from sight. Amber sighed with annoyance, leaving the book inside as
she settled back in the shade. The ration sat down beside her, and she shook her head.
“I don’t know when he’s going to be back,” she whispered. “I don’t want to get caught reading to you again, I’ll just have to wait.”
She stared at the wall in front of her, counting the minutes as she waited for her father to return. It was getting late, and as the sun dropped low in the sky, she finally heard footsteps approaching.
“What took so long?” Amber cried, standing to her feet. “It’s almost night, there’s no time to do anything!”
Her father shot her a stern look.
“Don’t take that tone with me,” Richard replied, his voice strained. “We’re helping with Frank’s harvest, he can’t do it himself. Put the ration inside and let’s go.”
Her stomach instantly sank, and cold sweat broke out across her forehead.
“But…but that’s not for two more weeks.”
Her father’s face betrayed his annoyance with her question.
“The families agreed to do it early this month, over half of them only have a few days’ worth of food left. We need to get started if we’re going to get there in time. Now, Amber.”
She should have known. Harvesting was the only job that began at nightfall, but she hadn’t even considered it happening this early.
Amber numbly motioned for the ration to go inside and obediently fell into step behind her father, her mind racing with dread. She swallowed hard. She didn’t want to go, but she couldn’t protest. What reason would she give? It was too late to feign illness.
Frank Green was sitting on the ground beside the harvest station when they arrived, his family’s ration standing next to him. It was a large, nearly as big as hers but appearing much younger. It was completely naked, hairless from the neck down like all the rations were, and its skin was covered in raw patches from being scrubbed clean. Its arms hung limp at its sides; it had already received its double dose of supplements in preparation for the harvest, given an hour earlier to keep the muscle relaxed and prevent stiffening as the carcass cooled overnight. The dose also rendered the ration unable to climb up on the table by itself, and it would take at least two people to lift it up. With Frank’s wife injured as well, it was obvious now why Amber’s presence was required.
She tried to focus, forcing the thoughts of her ration out of her mind. This ration was nothing like hers, it barely even looked up when she approached. Hers was different, hers was special. This one was just meat, like all the rest. She took a breath, doing her best to relax.
You’ve done this before, Amber, she told herself. It’s the same as it’s always been.
The sun was beginning to set, and Richard beckoned to her.
“Take its legs, Amber,” he instructed, moving to the head. “On the count of three.”
She moved without thinking, bending down near the ration’s legs and taking hold of its calves. It didn’t react to her touch, and she turned her face away, refusing to look at it as she prepared to lift.
“Ready…one, two, three.”
She grunted as she lifted it up, standing on her tiptoes to clear the edge of the table. It lay there, perfectly still, and she glanced around at the other rations being harvested that night. They all seemed empty and hollow, as if what life they had was already gone.
“Tie your side,” her father prompted, beginning to secure the straps that would hold the ration’s arms and legs. She obeyed, her hands feeling distant and cold as if they belonged to someone else. Her father moved to the other side, motioning for her to help him lift the end of the table. He placed blocks underneath the table legs to incline the surface, then he picked up the knife, using his foot to pull the blood trough into place beneath the head of the table.
The light was nearly gone from the sky, and Amber shivered as the first wave of cold air wafted in between the houses and hit her face. It was time.
Her father leaned over, placing the knife against the ration’s throat. Her heart stopped beating, her teeth set on edge as she cringed. Then, the moment before he made the cut, she caught sight of the ration’s eyes.
A tear trickled down its cheek as it stared up at the sky in wide-eyed terror. She clapped her hands over her mouth, unable to look away as the sound of gurgling filled the air beneath her father’s hand. The ration’s eyes darted back and forth in panic before slowly growing dim, its mouth opening and closing as it gasped for air. In her mind, she could see her own ration’s face, and her heart wrenched with sorrow. It would meet the same fate, she would witness its final breath just as she was witnessing this one’s. She couldn’t breathe, she couldn’t move, and her father turned to smile at Frank.
“Well, that part’s done,” Richard beamed proudly, moving to the ration’s abdomen. “I’m quick at this, it’ll only take a few minutes.”
He began cutting through the stomach skin to remove the insides, and Amber felt bile rise up in her throat as the body quivered. It wasn’t even dead yet, not completely, and he was already ripping it apart.
Frank watched as Richard deftly sliced through the membranes, holding out a bowl to catch the slippery organs that were spilling out of the ration’s midsection.
“Thanks, Richard,” he said. “I’ll meet you here first thing in the morning.”
The blood that poured from the ration’s throat looked black in the dusk, flowing down past its head to drip into the trough, and Amber couldn’t bear the sight another moment. She whirled around and began walking away.
“Amber!”
She stopped, trying to control her heaving stomach as she glanced back at her father.
“Yes?”
“I’m going to finish this harvest in the morning, you’ll go ahead to the grid and start without me.”
“Okay,” she managed to reply. She waited until she was out of sight before breaking into a run.
†‡†
CHAPTER FIFTEEN
Amber ignored the cold as she ran, tears streaming down her cheeks. She didn’t stop at her house, passing it by and heading for the grid. She couldn’t face the ration, not now, not after what she had just been a part of.
She reached the grid, stumbling down the steps and huddling in a corner as she buried her face in her hands. The image of the dead ration’s last moments played through her mind over and over until she felt like the air itself was closing in on her. It had been afraid, it had known what was happening. Throughout all the years of her life, throughout every harvest she had helped with, she had missed it.
She gasped for breath between sobs. She hadn’t missed it, she had ignored it. Pretending that they were unfeeling, empty bodies had been easy, but as she imagined once again what her ration’s last breath would be like, she couldn’t pretend any longer.
She could feel something shifting inside of her, something she had tried to ignore from the moment she had first spoken to the ration on the way back from the resource center. The feeling commanded her attention, refusing to be dismissed, until she had no choice but to look at it. In one terrible, excruciating moment, she could feel her mind reaching out to take hold of an idea that she knew would unravel every shred of her existence.
The ration understood her, that’s why it had brought her the rock. That’s why it sat outside with her and listened to her read, that’s why it brought her the blanket every night. In her heart, she realized she had known all along. She had chosen to believe otherwise because accepting anything else would have been too difficult, but now she had no choice.
Amber felt a light touch on her shoulder and she shrank back, covering her eyes with her hands. She already knew it wasn’t one of her parents, and she couldn’t bear it.
“Stay away,” she choked out through her tears. “I can’t, please just leave me alone.”
The ration ignored her, sitting down beside her and gathering her into his arms. Her tears fell even harder as the heat from his skin began to warm her, and she pressed her face ag
ainst his chest. The shame that gripped her heart stole her breath away; she couldn’t speak, and he sat there with her as she quietly cried.
Marius Dickson’s screams of agony echoed in her mind. How hypocritical her horror at his actions seemed now; she had been so sickened by the thought of what he had done to his dead wife, but it was no different than what she herself had willingly accepted her entire life. She remembered what he had said, how he had screamed out that harvesting his wife’s corpse was the same as what was done to the rations, and the accusing truth of those words was undeniable now. She was a monster, just like him. Just like everyone else in the world.
The night became colder with each passing minute. After a while, Amber heard the ration give a heavy sigh, then he squeezed her tighter for a moment before standing to his feet. It was too cold, she knew they needed to get back. She kept her eyes down as he beckoned to her, taking his hand as he moved towards the steps, and she shivered as she allowed him to lead her out.
He put his arm around her as he walked by her side, letting go when they arrived back home and disappearing through the doorway as she sank down onto the ground on the side of the house. Her parents had long since gone to bed, and she was grateful that they never checked on her at night. The ration was the only one who would have noticed her missing, and somehow, he had known exactly where to find her.
He returned a few moments later, and she felt the blanket settle over her shoulders. He took his place beside her, reaching out to draw her close, and she swallowed hard as she tried to hold back the fresh wave of tears that threatened to spill over onto her cheeks. It was all just too much, and she still couldn’t bring herself to look at him.
She felt like she was the one that hadn’t been human this whole time, yet this man remained by her side despite knowing full well what fate he was meant to suffer at her hand. She didn’t know how she could have ever convinced herself that he was anything less than what she now saw him to be.
Drawing a ragged breath, Amber finally managed to raise her head. He turned to look at her, a slight smile on his face, and her heart stopped beating. For the first time in her life, she didn’t even notice the stars, lost in the gaze of this person whose very existence she had so ignorantly chosen to overlook until now.
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