by Nisioisin
“This is the first time I’ve actually told the whole story to someone, so I don’t know if I can do it justice. That is─I have actually told the part about how I started collecting unhappiness before.
“And it’s not that I haven’t wanted to tell someone the rest of it, the part about the devil I mean, it’s just that no one has wanted to hear it.
“So anyway, thanks to that girl who came to me in the hospital for advice, I began to ‘collect unhappiness.’ And my system has been more or less the same since the beginning─though it wasn’t as polished at first, of course.
“That’s right, at first I started with the people close to me. Right before I left school, I started out by using my classmates and my juniors as guinea pigs─‘guinea pigs’ leaves a bad impression, doesn’t it? Am I making myself sound too evil? I really was ‘dispensing advice,’ after all, so I shouldn’t make it sound so much like I was running a con.
“Fortuitously, I guess you could say, that first girl laid the groundwork for me. She’d already spread the word about how multitalented I was. Ah, multitalented indeed. She may well have been the one behind that overblown sales pitch about me solving any problem without fail or whatever.
“In that case I am definitely an ingrate, forgetting her name and everything.
“How utterly shameful.
“Then again, at the time I didn’t have the leeway to feel grateful towards her. And by leeway I mean emotional leeway. I can just talk about it now, but back then I was pretty down in the dumps.
“…No, it was a little bit later on that I bleached my hair like this. But, Kanbaru, how did you manage to compete in the nationals with a value system that equates dyed-brown hair with being a miscreant? There must be all kinds of weirdoes at the nationals.
“Anyway, that’s how I was feeling. Since I’d already decided to change schools, I thought of my collecting during that period as a sort of severance package, the icing on the cake, and I may have been a little rough in the way I went about it─that’s my self-diagnosis.
“I’m kind of embarrassed about it─I wish I’d been more careful about how I gathered up their unhappiness. Fate had brought us to the same school, all in all.
“Though I guess the ‘overfishing’ I did at that time helped me perfect my technique, in the end.
“They all very kindly consulted with me─of course. I say ‘of course’ because it seems that anyone and everyone will speak freely to someone who’s clearly unhappier than they are.
“They hemorrhaged pretty intense secrets to me.
“I didn’t quite have the hang of it yet, so I took on a few burdens that were a little too heavy for me, but we’ll just let that go.
“I don’t really know how things went for those girls afterwards, but when I wound up our conversation with ‘I’m on it. Don’t worry, I’ll take care of all your problems,’ they looked so relieved. Like everything had already been taken care of. That first girl must have put around some really convincing rumors about me. It was like those words were a magic spell.
“Makes you laugh, doesn’t it? For me, they were about as meaningful as saying good morning to a stranger on the street.
“I thought at the time that maybe I just had it all wrong. That other people’s misery was only like sweet nectar to me because my mind had gotten so weak during my time in the hospital. Maybe after I was discharged and was counseling people in a slightly calmer state, I’d feel a little chastened.
“I had the faint desire to believe that I wasn’t the kind of scumbag who’d rejoice in the unhappiness of others─I was so naïve back then.
“But in the blink of an eye that naïveté went up in a puff of smoke.
“The notion that someone who’s been wounded becomes kinder or that someone in pain understands others’ pain is outrageously false. The girls who came to me for advice probably came to the conclusion that I, aloof as I had been at school, had turned over a new leaf because of my injury and decided to help people as a result. But oops, I’d done more than turn over a new leaf; I’d gone over to the dark side.
“Because I had come to know pain, I wanted to know their pain─though of course I was the only one who was aware of that. From an outside perspective, everything was as it appeared to be, I was just offering those girls advice and nothing more.
“But nothing is as it appears to be in this world. Like, just because someone is wearing a bandage doesn’t mean they’re injured, right? If I were to try and find a lesson in that─but now I’m starting to sound like that swindler.
“Oh, don’t worry, I’ll tell you all about my dealings with Kaiki. I have no intention of pulling one over on you, of pulling the wool over your eyes. At this point, I intend to tell you everything. Think of it as payment for the devil’s arm. But if at some point you decide that you’ve heard enough, do say so, I insist.
“It wasn’t until a little later on that I met Kaiki, so for now let’s stay with the part before I changed schools, when I had just begun my collection. The thing I realized back then was that I had to be careful about giving out advice. I’m human, after all, so when someone tells me their problems I think, You could just solve them by doing x, y, or z. But it was when I voiced those thoughts that the girls would look skeptical.
“Offended, even.
“I mean, they’d come to me for help, but when they actually got advice from this injured, miserable person they looked down on, it rubbed them the wrong way─they’d suddenly clam up, and I had a hell of a time getting them talking again.
“It’s even simpler than ‘talking about your problems will make you feel better.’ They just wanted to talk, period. By the way, I did a little experimenting and discovered another way of dealing with your problems: write them down on paper, like you’re keeping a diary.
“Turning your intractable, insoluble problems over and over in your head just drags you down, but getting them out in a form where you can see them objectively seems to do a surprisingly good job of relieving the burden.
“Because ‘thinking’ about something is really just ‘remembering’ it. It’s an illusion that if you keep thinking about a hopeless problem, eventually you’ll arrive at a solution. Our brains are electrical impulses, so what we call ideas or thoughts are nothing but momentary sparks.
“Worrying, and thinking, are really just like taking a timeout. There’s the saying that ‘poor thinking is like sleeping,’ but the fact is that any thinking is like sleeping.
“Quit thinking. Don’t think. Suspend thought. That’s the way to resolve your worries; that’s what my experiment convinced me of.
“I said it before, but I don’t know how things went for those girls afterwards. I have no clue. I realized that giving out the wrong advice or scheduling a follow-up visit would be counterproductive and in fact strip me of my magical powers, so I never confirmed how effective it had been for them.
“But at the very least I can state with confidence that no one’s situation got worse because of me. It was my policy even back then that when someone came to me with a problem that I thought was genuinely serious, I would send them to someone who could help them.
“In any event, the experiment was a success.
“A great success.
“So I left the middle school where I’d spent nearly three years of my life with a self-satisfied look on my face─but I would have to wait a little bit longer before I could become a full-fledged collector.
“I realize that sounds kind of over the top, but the simple fact is that first I had to turn my mind to rehabilitating my leg.
“Rehabilitation for an injury is a lifelong process. There’s no moment where you say, ‘My God, it’s healed!’ like in a manga─oh, but I guess there was for Senjogahara, wasn’t there? Glad to hear it.
“I didn’t have it so easy, though. I was constantly visiting the rehabilitation center near our new house. And rehab was grueling, lemme tell you. I thought it would kill me. At the time I wished it would.
“I wanted to exploit other people’s unhappiness to make it easier on myself, but we’re talking about a hospital here. Even I’m not crazy enough to go after the misfortunes of people who’re stuck in such a place. I told you before, didn’t I? I’m not into anything too miserable.
“Yeah, I guess the criterion is more or less that I wash my hands of any story that’s clearly unhappier than my own. I don’t always get my wish, though, which is to say, it’s kind of a wishy-washy standard.
“It’s sad though, I guess it’s the fate of an athlete, even a retired one, to be unable to act unless the rules are clear.
“I barely attended the public middle school I had transferred into because I was spending all my time going to rehab, but I did graduate eventually.
“I didn’t bother with high school entrance exams.
“I mean, ever since elementary school I’d put all my energy into sports, and I hadn’t studied at all. I was never going to get into high school, but I’d also lost sight of the point of going in the first place. So I think it’s fair to say that I chose not to go to high school of my own volition.
“Which doesn’t mean I found a job.
“My left leg hadn’t recovered to the point that I could work─in fact, it would never be the same again. The doctor told me I’d have to keep this cast and crutch for the rest of my life, so─yeah, that really brought me down.
“I guess it was when I got that news that I decided to dye my hair. Since I wasn’t an athlete anymore. I always thought it was a stylish look, but I suppose to other people it just seemed like I was going down the wrong path.
“Fair enough, I did go down the wrong path. Straight down into the dumps.
“But that doctor also told me to get myself out of the house as much as possible, and his words of encouragement were priceless. In terms of working on my collection, it became a great excuse to give my parents.
“And so at last we come to the founding of Lord Devil, Inc.─the name I used at first wasn’t Lord Devil, of course, but I think at this point it would just confuse you if I started throwing around other names. Anyway, it was definitely the precursor to Lord Devil, so we’ll just leave it at that.
“I stayed away from my own town. And by my own town, I mean the place we had moved to─whatever, the point is that I decided to engage in my activities as a collector outside of my own territory.
“This was a lesson I’d learned at the experimental stage. It was better for my identity to remain hidden. The more they could feel like the advice was coming from a neutral third party, the more relaxed and comfortable the clients would be─because no matter how much they looked down on me, there was no guarantee that I would keep my mouth shut. The old adage that a close neighbor is better than a distant relative is true in its own way, but when push comes to shove, it’s best to ask a distant stranger for advice.
“What’s that? You thought the town I moved to was around here? Not a chance, that would be ridiculous. If I established myself in nowheresville, people would eventually figure out who I was no matter how many times I changed my name.
“Lord Devil’s identity needs to remain secret─it increases my divine powers. Or my diabolical powers, really, but that doesn’t have the same ring to it.
“Your reaction said it all: there was nothing I could do to keep from standing out in a town like this with my hair dyed brown.
“Which is why I constantly change my base of operations─you want to know where I moved to? I’d rather not say, if it’s all the same to you. If you were thinking of sending me a Christmas card or something, you can just hold off.
“And I’ve already changed my cell number, in case you were wondering. I’ll tell you right now, Kanbaru, this will be the last time we see each other, and the last time we speak. So if there’s anything you want to say to me, this is your big chance, let it all out.
“When I tell you that I stay away from my home town to do this─I’m curious, how big of an area do you picture, Kanbaru? At most, what, one prefecture? You’re way off. I operate throughout the country.
“From Hokkaido in the north to Okinawa in the south.
“I’ve planted my flag in every prefecture over the course of the past three years. My, my, everyone must think I’m on a little journey of self-discovery before I pull myself together and move on with my life.
“They say that travel heals a broken heart, don’t they?
“Though my broken heart and my journey are embarrassingly inconsequential compared to your senpai’s since middle school, Hanekawa. Then again, I win insofar as I have a clearly defined goal and she doesn’t.
“Haha, yeah, I’ve heard about what Hanekawa’s been up to. Just like I heard about your left arm─you guys are famous. When I established myself in this town, I heard a bunch of names that were a real blast from the past. I’ve forgotten the names of my old teammates and teachers and everyone, but you and Hanekawa and Senjogahara, I remembered.
“And.
“Koyomi Araragi, of course.
“To tell the truth, I knew all along. I’ve just been playing dumb.
“But it wasn’t when I came to this town that I first heard the name Koyomi Araragi, it was after I changed schools. It was a name I hadn’t heard back when I was absorbed in playing sports─I guess he’s that kind of guy, in other words.
“But I digress. Don’t look so suspicious.
“Let’s get back to the topic at hand. This goes without saying, but my clearly defined goal is collecting unhappiness. Since I’m a collector, I want to get my hands on as many kinds as possible, so it’s only natural that I should target the entire country. The truth is that I’d like to target the whole world if possible, like Hanekawa, but unfortunately I don’t speak any languages other than Japanese. I can’t match up to a brainiac like her on that score.
“Huh? You don’t think a high school girl can travel around the country gathering unhappiness?
“I told you, didn’t I? I’m not a high school girl.
“Sure, there have been plenty of times where it seemed like I was going to get nabbed by DSS─but listen, with time and money, there’s not much a person can’t accomplish.
“When you don’t go to high school, suddenly you’ve got all this time on your hands. The only reason people don’t leave their locale is because they’ve got school, or work, or a loving family by their side─without all that, people are free to go wherever they want. It’s the ones who say they can’t be tied down who turn out to be looking for a place to call home.
“Money? Right. No, it’s not like I worked for it or anything. The pain isn’t so bad now, but when I first started traveling it was chronic, and severe. I kept a stiff upper lip, though.
“Why has the pain abated? I think you can guess, but I’ll get to that later. Simply put, with my left leg being a devil’s and all, my injury has in a certain sense healed.
“More changed than healed, you might say.
“Are my parents rich? Well, much as I appreciate that they left me to my own devices, unfortunately they’re resolutely middle class. I’m not you, Kanbaru.
“…Hm? Everybody knows how rich you are. You live in a mansion, don’t you? For all the stupid spending you’ve done, no one seems to be particularly envious of you.
“The world goes easy on idiots and clowns. It’s accounted a much graver sin for an eminent person to commit a crime than for a reckless fool to do the same, yes? Though demanding that eminent people also have excellent character clearly goes well beyond the bounds of noblesse oblige.
“‘A sound mind in a sound body’ doesn’t hold true, and neither does ‘a great soul with a great mind,’ it seems.
“To let the cat out of the bag: insurance.
“My legs had been insured, against injuries.
“I don’t know about your middle school, but mine offered such a plan.
“At a hell of a premium. My tuition was waived, but that we had to pay. When my mother said I ruin
ed everything, that investment was probably part of what she meant, but it did yield a huge return.
“It was my parents who’d shelled out that money in the first place, so that return was theirs by right, but they didn’t stop me from taking it and throwing it around by the fistful, like a bandit queen. Maybe they just couldn’t?
“That money’ll run out someday, of course, and at that point I’ll have to find some other way of raising funds─but the point is, the source of the start-up capital for Lord Devil was none other than my broken leg.
“It didn’t go all that well at first, but bit by bit I figured out how to get the word out in unfamiliar towns, and how to go about my consultations.
“I wonder if I’m talented in that regard. I’m of the opinion that talent is everything, so the answer would have to be yes, but maybe this is a special case. The desperation of the wounded animal to survive must have contributed to some degree.