Claire. Adam was popping back to grab something from her room. I dreaded to think what.
The door opened, and I took the opportunity. “Adam?”
He appeared in the doorway. “Hey.” Cocksure and outgoing, covered in tats with adorable bed hair.
I lost my nerve. “Everything okay?”
“Yes. Are you?” He leant on the frame.
Fuck it. “Can I ask you about something in confidence?”
“Yes.”
I believed him. “How well do you know Vaughan?”
Mouth open, he struggled to answer.
“Never mind.”
“No, it’s through the club scene, but we’re not best mates, just footie and occasionally pub. Good guy.”
“Okay, thanks.”
He turned, but tapping his fingers on the door frame, he hesitated. “He’s pretty isolated these days. More than he used to be, and I think there’s personal stuff. You interested?”
“My interest in someone like him is inevitable.” I focused on threading my needle. “He is not interested in me. I’m just curious.”
“Jane from Kink knows him better. She’s the scene mum.” He grinned. He was so pretty.
With a nod, he tore upstairs and banged about and fled out the door.
Shaking my head, I put my work down and took off my glasses, pinching my eyes.
I kept thinking about the pub and how Vaughan looked at me.
Wanting him was fruitless. I couldn’t have a relationship. My wants and desires meant I was vulnerable and gifting that to another was impossible, no matter how I ached for it.
Putting my threads down and pushing back the pain of it, I opened my phone and browser, which went straight onto the Kink@PassionHouse forum.
I had an account, and when my feelings got too much, I posted. I’d been posting a lot. It’s hard to process how I felt, and these guys had lots of advice.
I’d been hurt in the past, welcoming being treated horribly because of my need, even when consent wasn’t respected. I needed pain and humiliation. It’s how I get off.
My avi was my torso in a harness, and handle HardSub. No-one knew who I was.
I went through my replies and clicked on new posts, and there was a call for auditions. They needed a new sub performer in the VIP lounge.
The idea hit me like a rock; it was the perfect solution.
After a few private messages with the moderator, I knew this was what I wanted and drove over the next day for an interview.
The big villa was picturesque and a little intimidating.
I recognised Jane. Bright lilac hair, pale skin, thick-framed glasses, and a full tattoo sleeve. “Hi.” She beamed, and I felt instantly mothered as she welcomed me in and gave me a cold drink.
I heard voices outside and recognised one as they grew louder.
In came Darby with her natural hair in a scarf and umber skin almost glowing against the bright turquoise dress she wore — she worked with Poppy and was a rope artist — and with her was Vaughan. When the shock wore off, I wanted to run away and throw myself at him at the same time.
“You.” He frowned, and the atmosphere changed.
We sat at the kitchen table and a fluffy grey cat curled around my feet, tickling me. I fussed the creature, trying to calm my thoughts.
“You know each other?” Jane asked.
“Only in passing.” I kept stroking the cat until she got too hot and sauntered off back into the shade.
Vaughan stared hard at me, and I sipped my tall, icy juice and soda. He’d picked up a light tan, and his hair looked lighter. He looked good. Too good.
“We’re looking for a range of performers. But need another sub who’s flexible with performance. Our regular no longer performs, and we’ve struggled to find good and reliable performers. May I ask your limits? Preferences?”
“I prefer men, but I’m attracted to any gender and happy to scene with multiple partners. My limits are scat, tickling, public humiliation, and choking. Not into pet or full on age play but I like primal play. They’re my hard nos. I enjoy knife-play, anal, restraints. The harder, the better. Love pain.”
“Publicly?”
“As long as I’m kept safe, sure. I know how it works at your nights, so I’d be okay, in fact, that’s the appeal for me because I’ll be kept safe.”
“Suspension and ropes? Is that of interest?”
“Yes.” I reined in my enthusiasm.
I felt Vaughan’s glare penetrate me. I stared back, holding his eyes until my skin pinched in the tension. It was just us, and in a subtle but deliberate move, I lowered my gaze.
“I’m sorry, I can’t.” He stood and in a clatter of sudden movement, he left.
Humiliation burnt through me and stung.
This was my problem; I’d take this pain over the void of nothing. I revelled in the rejection.
“Oh shit.” Jane slumped.
“What?” my voice sounded mechanical.
“He likes you.”
“I think he demonstrated he does not.” I drank to ease my cottonmouth.
“He does,” they both said.
“That doesn’t mean I can’t perform.” I turned the glass, running my finger in the condensation.
“I doubt he’d tolerate me putting my hands on you,” Darby smirked before leaning forward. “He only said no when we mentioned multiple partners.”
“You’re not taking me on?” My body tensed, and I let the fire rage through me before closing my eyes and letting it go.
“No, not until that man figures his shit out.”
Not even his, and the bastard was denying my pleasure.
Jane kept in touch, and in her, I found someone who understood. She wasn’t a sub, but she knew my struggle with finding someone and a place. Balance. But she had a girlfriend. Everyone was in a relationship of some kind and Vaughan had ruined my chances of finding any sexual satisfaction, seeing as they’d decided they weren’t going to use me because of him.
When she invited Poppy and me to a barbeque, I nearly said no, but I was drawn in, I had to go, even to catch a glimpse of him so I could wallow in denial.
CONNECT
I wore a slender harness under a pretty thin pink cotton sundress. I looked cute. Apart from the hint of harness straps through the fabric.
Innocent with a hint of wicked. I rarely get to wear this stuff. Buttoned down, I grew up happy and average. Nothing grim or dark. Very ordinary.
The subtle straps were enough to make me feel it, hovering on the edge of a thing I didn’t let myself have.
Poppy and I went together as Claire would be there with Adam and she hugged us when we found her in the garden. We hung out with Suzy and Darby, and part of me wondered if there was a joke I wasn’t in on. A few furtive glances and awkward silences made me want to bolt.
Jane put her arm around me, pointing me in Vaughan’s direction, standing at the barbeque chatting with a couple of others.
“I spoke with him.”
“Oh?”
“Pursue him.”
“That’s not a good idea. Thanks though. Performing would have been better.” I shrugged and moved off, glancing at him as I went.
He looked like a big sexy cinnamon roll who’d throw me around in just the right way. I did what I’m good at; ignored him and what I wanted.
We ate, laughed, I made new friends but halfway through the evening, as the light faded and air cooled, Poppy bailed on me.
“What is going on with you?” I asked before her ride turned up.
She fidgeted, and I wondered if she was in trouble of some sort. “Sorry, I’m having problems with someone.”
“Who the fuck am I fighting?”
She grinned at my tone. “Let me work it out, and I’ll talk to you. I need to put my head on about it.”
I hugged her as the car beeped, pulling up. “Okay. I’m here any time.”
“Thank
s.”
I watched the car go with worry setting in my heart.
“Everything all right?”
I jumped at the voice. In the early evening light, he looked like everything I wanted. A touch of auburn in his beard. Immaculate dark blonde hair. Presence looming over me without threat.
“I’m fine.” I let myself look at him. Just for a moment. Then I walked away, leaving him with hands on hips and a sour face.
I liked Downly. Leafy and old, I’d grown up there, and it wasn’t far to my parents’ house.
I walked in the cool evening, enjoying the quiet dark, letting my mind tumble over, and pulled on the little cardy I had in my bag. The clear sky sharpened into night, and the moon was a stark crescent. I watched it from the end of my childhood street for a second, pushing the turmoil away and went back in time.
“Hello,” I called, letting myself in.
“Is that you?”
“No, it’s your other daughter named Anne.”
Mum was knitting, and dad was in the kitchen.
Familiar and safe. I plonked down on the settee.
“What’s brought you here?” Her needles never stopped as she eyed me.
“A boy.”
“Ah. Pesky things those. No girls?”
I loved that my family supported my sexuality.
With a sigh, turned to the TV and sat in quiet, dad brought me a cup of tea, and a few hours later, I went to my old room, though it was mostly mum’s hobby storage now.
I shifted the plastic boxes of wool and got into bed.
Sometimes the familiar settles me.
A week later, Jane texted me and asked me to go for a coffee. I’d managed to ease the emotional gnashing, but after a stressful work week, agitation needled.
We were near Town Hill, and the busy streets irked me. She was already there with Vaughan. I stopped dead before ordering an iced coffee.
When I joined them, I didn’t acknowledge them but waited. It was awkward as fuck.
“Well,” Jane said, breaking the tension. “My work here is done.”
“What work? If this so I can be insulted again, I’m not interested.”
“No. That’s not it.”
“Then explain it.” Irritation became anger. I’ll wallow and hurt myself physically and emotionally, but I bristle at it being on other people’s terms. I set those rules unless it’s in a negotiated scenario.
Jane stood. “Maybe you two should talk it out.”
When she’d gone, my knee started jiggling, and I didn’t want to look at or talk to him, I knew what would happen if I did.
“Anne.”
Who was I kidding, I was at war with myself and losing. The battle took my will, leaving me exposed to a person who had the potential to really hurt me. A man I didn’t know.
He raised his brows. “I’d like to make you an offer.”
Tonguing the roof of my mouth, I closed my eyes before meeting his look. Then I let rip. “First of all, you owe me an apology for rudely humiliating me without negotiation. Which, of course, singles you out as an inferior partner, but leaves me high and dry. Now I can’t perform. Why am I here?”
“I am sorry. If we were to perform, I don’t think I can share. Maybe another sub with us. Would that be amenable?”
“Amenable? Are you saying you’re willing to perform with me? What makes you think I want to with you after that?”
“You don’t?”
“You do?”
He grinned, but it dimmed as quickly as it flashed. “I’m not in a place where I can have a girlfriend or play partner. I hoped the club was a viable option. I’m not sure it is. I want to keep what’s mine private.”
“Then I can’t help you. Tell Jane you’re not interested and let me perform. I don’t owe you anything.”
Vaughan offered a wounded look and the urge to soothe it closed my throat.
“I’m on the outside and not part of this crowd. I’ve been to the club nights and munches, even invited to Jane’s, but I don’t feel part of the community. That’s okay. But I am this, not just for fun, it’s what I am, and it’s wholly me. It’s part of my identity, and I need to find a way to it. That was my only chance that you took. For what? To make someone you don’t know feel like absolute shit because you decided to? Fuck off.” I fought unbidden emotion.
The look on his face was hard yet soft. Painful. We stared each other out; I’d lowered my eyes to him once but not again.
“I want to put it right.”
“Do you.” I nodded and leant back.
“What are you looking for?” He leant forward.
“Nothing. But of the avenues open to me, this is the safest one.”
“Avenues.” He scratched his neck before smoothing his beard. “How much do you know about me?”
“I know you’re an arse.”
He laughed and turned his coffee before sipping it, leaving foam on his lip and pulled it into his mouth, sucking it off. I was mesmerised. When his mirth faded, he glanced around the busy place and appeared to be thinking. “I’m not talking to Jane about releasing you. Not yet at least.”
I bit back a moan pretending to be irritated.
“You ever see an opportunity for something that you know might not be wise, but it’ll be a massive regret if you don’t?”
“Intimately.” I drank long and deep.
“Say you perform, you’ll get into the scene and know everyone, and you’ll be snapped up, and I’ll regret not speaking up. You’re very attractive and have this adorable, sensible, innocent thing about you, but the wicked lies underneath. I can feel it.”
I couldn’t swallow. I tried, but it wouldn’t happen.
“Want to get out of here?” A predatory gleam pinned me, and I knew what he was asking.
“Sure.” once I said it, I regretted it. I should have thought about that one first.
IS THIS WHERE WE NEGOTIATE?
We left the coffee shop and sat in his car in awkward, stilted silence. I fingered the hem of my skirt.
“Are you always fidgety?”
I went still. “Sorry.”
“What is it you want?”
I laughed.
“It’s not a joke. I considered the club for relief because I’m getting frustrated the way things are right now. If I were to pursue anyone, it would be you.” He pulled into a leafy street.
I’m not sure if he was trying to convince himself or me.
“Are we discussing terms here?”
“Yes.”
“What happened to not being able to have a partner?”
“Like I said, sometimes what you want outweighs the circumstances.”
The man who featured in every want and desire for the past months, Mr Daddy of the scene, mysterious and aloof, wanted me? The idea hit me fully. This was a thing, and that thing was happening.
We pulled onto the drive of a nice semi with a pretty front garden.
“You live here?”
The car went quiet, and he unclipped his belt, paused, and got out. In the sun, he leant against the car, and I faced him when I followed.
“I saw you at Kink, and when I saw you at football, I would have pursued. Thing is I’m having family problems.” He crossed his arms. The fabric of his blue checked shirt stretched on his skin, a touch of hair at his open collar.
“Hey, it’s okay. You want to talk about it?”
With his brow knotted in deep consideration, he stared at the floor before searing me with a glare. “I need your word that this conversation is private, I don’t talk about my personal life.”
“I swear that I won’t talk about this conversation with anyone.”
With a gruff nod, he picked at a low hanging branch of a cherry tree that took up much of the front garden. “I bought this place as a wreck and gutted it. Did most of it myself. Always thought my then-boyfriend would move in. He left me. I was too much for him, apparently. The
n my sister came to live with me.” He scowled harder, and I wanted to comfort him. Too much? He was too much? Heat radiated everywhere, and my heart pounded.
“You can meet her if you like.” He smiled, and his unease evaporated.
Inside, the house was new and tidy, and music came from the kitchen.
A girl, slight and small and in a pink wig, sang in the kitchen to the radio.
“Hey! I’m Ariel.” She beamed and when she glanced from Vaughan to me. “I’ll tell you because he won’t, I’m trans.”
“Hi.” I grinned and shook her hand. She sent him a questioning look, but Vaughan cleared his throat and went to the fridge.
“What did you eat?”
“A sandwich.”
He pinned her with a single eyebrow move. It was impressive.
“And chocolate. You’re so bossy.” She turned to me. “He might be the best brother but bloody hell.”
Behind her, he suppressed a smile.
“Anyway, I’m off.”
“Where?”
“Going to the library to meet Kayla and studying. Then shopping after, I need some foundation.”
“Back by eight.”
“Fine. Nice to meet you.” She hurried away, grabbing a pink backpack on the way.
“She’s sweet.”
Vaughan turned the radio off and passed me a beer, and we went outside and sat at the glass table on his patio.
“My parents kicked her out. They disowned me when I came out as not straight — I waver between bi and pan — and I hated leaving her behind, she’s only nineteen now but was thirteen then. She sought me out Christmas before last when she came out.”
“I like her, seems like she keeps you on your toes.”
“She does. I love having her here, but it doesn’t give me space to focus on playing.” His jaw twitched before he sipped his beer.
I considered him and then took a risk. “I’m my own worst enemy. I want to be hurt and controlled and used. It rages in me, and nothing is enough. In the past, I’ve taken abusive relationships to sate it. I really damaged myself. It’s been so long that I have to do something. I can’t trust anyone to hurt me the right way and not abuse the power I give. I’m bi too.”
The hair on his arms goosed and the look on his face was intense. “I see it. The need. When you lowered your eyes to me at Jane’s, I felt it. I haven’t approached anyone in such a long time. In the pub, I almost did.”
The Best Friends Anthology (A New City Story Book 5) Page 6