by Greg Iles
When the tears swell in the corners of my eyes, I turn and look toward the door.
Annie rises up and puts her arms around my neck. Its okay, Dad. I think even Mom would want that. Shed want us to be happy. Shed want you to have someone to take care of you.
And you, I choke out.
Youve taken good care of me. But I think youre right. I think its time to let Mr. Paul take care of the town, and us take care of each other.
I lean down and hug her as tight as I dare. When I rise back up, she says, I think Caitlin needs us too.
This brings a wave of warmth into my chest. I think youre right. Now, you need to get some sleep.
I will. Im glad to be in my own bed again.
I smile, kiss her once more, then turn out the light and leave the room.
As I reach the bottom of the stairs, I see Kelly walking through the front door. Hes moving more slowly than usual, and his eyes look bleary. Then I see the Styrofoam cup in his hand. The smell of alcohol hits me with his first words.
Hey, Penn, hows everybody doing?
Its all good. Were glad to be back together. How about you? You okay?
Im good.
I reach out and squeeze his shoulder. You look pretty out of it.
Well I havent done much sleeping since I got here. I dont need much, but I need some.
Well tonight you can finally get some.
He gives an exaggerated nod. Yep. I finally took me a drink too. I didnt want to buy one on the Queen. That fucking Quinn would love to get me that way. Ill bet he was watching me on the CCTVs the whole time.
Whered you go?
Stopped at a little bar on the way back here, down on the corner of Canal Street. Its called the Corner Bar, fittingly enough. Kelly almost giggles, which makes me laugh.
Dude, you need some serious sleep.
Yeah. Im going to sit on the couch in the den for a while. Zone out and watch a movie. Will that bother Annie?
Nah. I do it all the time.
Hey, Kelly says, as though just remembering something important. I just saw Caitlin pull into her driveway.
Something stirs in my chest. Really?
Yeah. She didnt look too happy. I think you ought to go talk to her.
I dont think she wants that right now.
Bullshit. When you think they dont want to talk to you thats exactly when they want you to talk to them. Take it from me.
The truth is, I very much want to talk to Caitlin. Before doubt can stop me, I dial her cell and am surprised when she doesnt let it go to voice mail.
Penn? she says.
Yes.
Is anything wrong?
No. I was wondering if I could come over and talk to you.
Im pretty wiped out, actually. Is it important?
Kelly motions for me to push it. I think it is. It wont take long.
Theres a long silence. Then she says, All right, Ill be on the porch.
Thanks. Im on my way.
Way to go! Kelly says, slapping my back. I told you.
As I smile back at him, I see that he must have had quite a few drinks at the Corner Bar. His eyes are bloodshot slits. But if anybodys earned a few drinks, Kelly has.
Ill see you, bro, I say.
I hope not. You need to stay over there tonight.
Is Carl there?
Yeah. But Ill text him to put some Kleenex in his ears. Go on, man. Shes waiting for you.
I wave him off and hurry out.
CHAPTER
44
Caitlin waits on her porch with her arms folded, her hair down around her neck. Shes wearing a blue cashmere sweater and jeans, and from her expression I get the feeling shes not planning on being out here long. I walk up the steps and stop a few feet short of her.
Long day? I ask.
She shrugs. Yes and no. Lots to think about. No big epiphanies. What about you?
I did a lot of thinking during Tims funeral. About Annie, about the town. But about us, mostly.
Caitlin doesnt prompt me to continue, but theres no point backing away from it now. I realized today that I lost you the first time because I was too idealistic, which you told me at the time. I wanted to do something that you thought was impossible, and I didnt really listen to your objections. I thought you didnt see the situation as deeply as I did, so I went on and did it anyway. And you left.
Shes watching me with interest now. She doesnt often get abject admissions of fault from me.
I really thought you were never coming back, I go on. But you did. And I think you were open to us when you came back. And the irony is, now Im losing you again, only this time its because you want me to do something I think is impossible, at least for the time being. Now its your idealism thats separating us.
Her mouth opens in amazement. So its my fault? Thats what youre saying?
No. Im saying that you were right the first time. I was wrong to think I could save this town by myself. It was hubris. And though my parents raised me never to quit anything, I think that for a lot of reasons, the time has come for me to step down and focus on what the people I care about really need.
She looks steadily back at me, but I cant read her expression. Whatever she feels, its clearly not what Id hoped for.
I spoke to Paul Labry today about running for mayor after I resign.
Resign? She draws back as though she cant quite believe this. And what do you plan to do after that?
Move somewhere that you can be happy working in your job, and where Annie can go to a top-flight school.
Caitlin blinks several times, then looks curiously at me. And you?
I can write anywhere.
She turns toward the street and leans on her porch rail. I dont know what to say.
I thought youd be happy to hear that. More than happy, actually.
A sad smile touches her mouth. I would have thought so too. Ive waited a long time to hear it. A very long time. But now that I have, what it sounds like is youre running away.
Running away? From what? The job?
I dont know. She turns to me with anger in her eyes. From Tims death, from Sands, this whole dirty mess. And, yes, the job too. What about the noble work that meant so much to you two years ago? I dont get it. Its like for the first time in your life, youre trying to take the easy road. And I dontthats not the man I fell in love with.
Im so stunned I can hardly get my thoughts together. You want me to stay here? Finish out my term? Is that it? You want Annie to stay in St. Stephens?
Thats not what I want, no. But I dont want you to slink away from this place either. Or from whats caused this problem between us.
A surge of resentment rises in me, but I press it down. Look, its not like Im Achilles sulking in his tent, okay? Ive made some decisions about the case too. Im a lawyer, Caitlin. And Im going to attack the Sands problem like a lawyer. After Po is in custody and Sands is in the system, Im going to use every resource in my power to have him indicted on state murder charges. And if I cant prove them, Ill get him on the others. Kidnapping, dogfighting, money laundering, whatever it takes to put him behind bars.
She nods distantly, as though this is the minimum I should do. What if they dont get Po?
Then Sands wont be of any use to the government anymore. Hell lose his protection from Hull. Hull will probably nail Sands himself.
No, he wont. Dont you see? Thats my fear. Youre so naďve sometimes. It will just go on and on, this teasing game, where Hull thinks hes running Sands, but its really the other way around.
So what do you want to do? Take it all public?
Her jaw
tightens abruptly. Maybe. Im thinking about it. If the Po sting doesnt work, its certainly an option. And please dont remind me of our deal. As far as Im concerned, youve stepped away from this case, and Im free to make my own decisions.
This statement starts an alarm ringing in my head. What have you been doing today?
Trying very hard not to think about all this.
I know she doesnt want me to pry, but I cant help myself. What are your plans tomorrow?
Ive been talking to those people I was in touch with on the Katrina stories. The Danziger Bridge incident, mainly, but also trying to sort out what really happened in the convention center down there. And the Superdome.
The bridge incident means her friends documentary.
Yes, Ive spoken to Jan today, if thats what youre wondering. Hes shooting some footage tomorrow with some Danziger witnesses. Im thinking of going down to help out. He doesnt have much crew down there.
This prospect bothers me far more than I would have expected it to. I mean, I practically just asked this woman to marry me, and shes telling me shes going to New Orleans to shoot a film with another guy. When were you thinking of leaving?
Tomorrow.
I should conceal my feelings better, but I realize Im shaking my head angrily. I dont know what to say. This isnt the reaction I expected. The opposite, in fact. I guess Id better think about what youve said. What youre doing.
She nods and gives me the sad smile again. I want to think about what you said, as well. Resigning would be a very big step for you. I didnt mean to belittle it. Like I said, Ive waited a long time to hear you say what you did.
Too long, maybe?
I dont know. Im not sure why this Sands thing has affected me so deeply.
Without thinking, I reach out and take her hand. Will you have lunch with me tomorrow? At the Castle, like we used to? Maybe well have some perspective on this by then.
She looks at me a long time, leaving her hand in mine. If Im still in town, I will. Her fingers slide out of my grasp. If I dont show up, that means I had to take more time with it. Do you understand?
I nod slowly. I wish I didnt.
She hugs herself against the chill. Id better go in.
Thanks for letting Carl stay with you.
I know theres danger. Im not going to compromise my safety just to make some kind of point.
Im glad shes thinking clearly on this issue, at least. Last night she seemed perfectly willing to do just that.
Im sorry I didnt come see Annie, she says. I just dont want to confuse her right now.
No, youre right. If this is how you feel, its better that way.
I know shes glad to be home.
She is. Good night.
Caitlin waves, then slips inside her door.
I find Kelly splayed out on the couch in my den, the Styrofoam cup in his lap, his eyes nearly closed. The televisions playing an old Sydney Pollack film, Three Days of the Condor, very low.
Hey? I say. You okay?
Kellys head slides forward in what might be a nod. Im about to turn and go upstairs when he says, That didnt take long. I guess it didnt go so good, huh?
Understatement of the millennium.
Dont worry about it. Shes just young. Still got a few illusions left. Give her time.
I know hes right, but I hate to think Im waiting for Caitlin to become as jaded as Kelly and I about human nature and the legal process. Maybe shes right. Maybe we should just go public with the whole stinking mess.
No way. Then Po skates for sure. I just wish wed wasted Sands before we knew the bigger picture. Then we could say. Uh-oh, and go about our business. Kelly laughs softly, but for once his dark sense of humor strikes a dissonant note.
I walk deeper into the den and look down at him. You say that so easily. Like killing Sands would be no big deal. But last night you wouldnt even kill that dying dog.
Kellys red eyes open momentarily, but he doesnt look up. I told you we had to leave that place like we found it.
There was more to it than that. Were you testing me or something?
His chest rises as he takes a long breath. Then he sighs heavily, the sound almost like a snore. You got it done, man. Just let it go.
I want to know.
He scowls, then sips from his cup, swallows audibly. When I went into Delta training, I was ready. Ninety-seven percent of the volunteers wash out, and they come from elite units to begin with. Then theres the mental shit they put you through. I got through that just fine. But later on, after I was in, they put me in a rotation called dog lab.
One eye opens and seeks me out, trying to see if Ive heard of this. I shrug.
The idea, he says, is to prepare you to handle the kinds of wounds you might encounter in the field. I mean, we didnt have medics along on our ops. We were our own medics.
So what was dog lab?
Well its pretty simple. The army takes some stray dogs and shoots themor inflicts missile wound traumausually with the kinds of rounds youre likely to be hit by in the field. AK-47s, shit like that. Then they give you the wounded dogs. You have your medical kit. Youre supposed to stabilize the dog, then nurse it back to health. Every guy gets his own dog. Theyre in shock when you get them, of course, like that dog last night. Bleeding out fast, panicked eyes, howling in pain. You start an IV, do everything youd do for a human being. And thats when you realize that textbook training doesnt mean shit. In the field, its different. So all you do for a week, ten days, is try to save your dog. You live with it, and with the other guys and their dogs. The guys bond with the animals in weird ways. They name them, and they get territorial about their dogs space, or other people touching their dog. Some die, of course. But most of them make itthe ones that survive the initial shootings.
Kelly takes another noisy sip from his cup.
My dog got septicemia, he says. I had him on antibiotics, but not the right kind, I guess. He was dying steadily, and the other guys were riding me about it. I wanted to load him into a jeep and drive off-base to a fucking veterinarian. But you couldnt do that. So when it got really bad, I took a syrette of morphine and put him down. The officer in charge of us went batshit, of course. I flunked dog lab. But Id done so well on the hard-core stuff, they werent about to wash me out for that.
So last night
Last night, when I leaned over that pit bull, I was back in dog lab. Canine PTSD. Isnt that a riot? Ive killed human beings without batting an eye, but I go to pieces over a fucking mutt.
Id say thats a good sign.
Kelly shakes his head with sudden vehemence. It aint that simple, boss. Loving dogs doesnt make you a humanitarian. Hitler loved dogs. He had a dog named Blondi. He loved Blondi, but he still murdered millions of people. He offed the retards and the handicapped people too. Homo sapiens is one fucked-up species, Penn. Sometimes I wish I was still like Caitlin.
I lean over and squeeze his knee. Dont think about it. Just go get in the bed.
Im good right here.
You sure?
Im good.
As I climb the stairs, my cell phone buzzes to announce a text message. When I check it, Im surprised to see its from Caitlin. It reads: I THINK YOURE MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION FOR ANNIE, WHETHER ITS RIGHT FOR YOU AND ME OR NOT. I LOVE YOU.
Halfway up the stairs, I stop and key in my reply: I LOVE YOU, TOO. I HOPE I SEE YOU TOMORROW.
Then I walk up the steps and collapse onto my bed.
CHAPTER
45
Caitlin stands in her kitchen, reading Penns text message and blinking back tears. In all her time with him, shes never lied like that, not even by omission. But the deep
est hurt is from shock at her own lack of feeling. Shes waited a year and a half for him to make the decision he made today, but tonight, hearing the words, she felt betrayed. It made no sense, but that was what she felt.
Wiping the corners of her eyes, she reaches back and switches off the gas burner. Shed started making tea, but the last thing she wants is to lie in bed for an hour thinking about what just happened. She walks down the hall to the stairs and stops suddenly, startled by the sight of a man sitting on the floor of her living room. Carl Sims looks up from a copy of Shotgun News with a friendly smile. Theres a pistol on the floor by his knee, and his sniper rifle leans against the wall beside his shoulder.
Everything okay? he asks. Didnt mean to scare you.
Its all right. I just forgot. Where were you when I came in?
Well, I was out there when you were talking to Mayor Cage. I mean, I wasnt close enough to listen or anything. I was just covering you guys. You know.
Thank you, Carl. Im sorry I dont have a TV down here for you.
Thats okay. Im fine for the night. Ive got this magazine, and I got one of Mr. Cages novels to read if I get tired of the News. Major McDavitt keeps telling me I ought to read one, so Ill probably give it a try tonight. They any good?
Caitlin walks to the foot of the stairs and stops. I think so. The first three, especially.
The major told me you might be in one or two of them. Kind of disguised, like.
Oh, I dont know. Maybe parts of me.
Carl smiles knowingly.
You like Penn, dont you, Carl?
Sims sticks out his lower lip as though pondering the question. I do, yeah.
Why, do you think?
Same as the major, I guess. Hes somebody who does the right thing, if theres any way to do it.
Isnt that what you do?
Well I try to. But seeing whats right, and doin itthats two different things.
What about what weve been going through this past week?
The sniper shrugs. Life gets complicated. Thats a fact. But I know this. Taking an enemy from the front aint always the best way. I figure Mr. Cage knows what hes doingeven if he dont know he knows it himself yet. You know what Im saying?