by Sandra Lang
The morning after the celebration Natoak, Narot, Tarok, and I gather outside the lodge in the center of the village to begin discussing trading with the men of the west. I fidget uncomfortably as we wait. I do not understand how these men can stand so still, so stoically. I can barely keep my stomach from twisting uncomfortably, let alone keep my feet still. I do not want to be here, which I made very clear to Natoak. I do not want to have to sit around while that western man stares at me. When I see them walking up through the village, I stand closer to Natoak and avoid looking at the man who keeps trying to catch my attention.
“Darien, please come inside. We have much to discuss,” Narot says then walks into the lodge with Darien at his side. Natoak walks in behind them with me after and Tarok closely behind me.
“Sit next to the Shaman,” Tarok says.
“Fine.” I am in no mood to argue with Tarok. I just want to get through the day with the least amount of stress possible.
My tribesmen and I take seats at the back of the lodge facing the door with the traders in front of us. I sit closely to Natoak and keep my head down. I can feel his eyes on me – the man of the west. I listen closely to what the men are saying to distract myself.
“I will allow you to bring your wares to the shore and stay for a half month. Your items will be stored safely in here while your men return to your ship in the bay at night. Your men can return each day if they would like and the other men on the ship may do so as well. You are welcome to hunt in our forest or fish in our waters for food. When you leave, we will give you any supplies you may need, but only as far as will not cause short comings within our tribe. As always, Darien, our women are off limit to your men. If I hear a single word uttered about your men trying to coax my sisters into leaving with you, I will ban that man from our shores. Understood?”
“You drive a hard bargain, Chief Narot.”
“These are my terms as they have always been.”
“We have a deal, Chief Narot. Would you allow my men to hunt with yours? I am sure they have never hunted in the way that your tribe does.”
“That will be up to the discretion of the men of Deep Forest and Wide Net. I am sure that if your men continue to act honorably and give no cause for concern, they would be willing to work with you and your men.”
“Thank you, Chief Narot. Shall we convene for the day? I will have my men bring up their wares today and tomorrow.”
“We shall. Your men are free to leave their boats and roam the village.”
“Many thanks, Chief Narot.”
The four of us stand up and wait for the men of the west to leave the lodge. I leave the lodge and walk with Natoak to his hut.
“I do not trust the man who kept trying to get your attention, Akari,” he says at last.
“I will do everything I can to avoid being in his presence, especially alone.”
“I fear that will not be enough.”
“There is not much more we can do. We can ask Narot to ban him from the shores, but there is no cause for it yet.”
“Yet. Keep a wary eye on him, Akari.”
We continue on in silence. Both of us, presumably, trying to think of ways to keep me out of trouble. I have decided that I will keep Nura with me. Usually she stays around Sharp Stone, but I think it is time she starts using her leg more and more. Granted this may be for completely selfish reasons, I justify it to myself as her needing the exercise. With everyone in my family busy doing their own things, I will have to keep to Sharp Stone or Deep Forest. With my plan set in mind I can enjoy the rest of our walk and then our tea.
I tell Natoak of my plan and he agrees with my course of action. He also suggests helping my father out in the work house. Demand will be high for our weapons. For some reason the people of the west enjoy having them. This is not the reason Natoak suggests this, however. If I am with my father, Uncle, and cousins, there will be less of a chance the man of the west can speak with me.
“Natoak, how much of the herbs do we have left?” I ask, looking down at the used leaves in my cup.
“I am afraid that you are drinking the last cup.”
“What is going to happen now?”
“I wish I could tell you. All we can do is wait and see.”
“Do you think the traders will have some?”
“I will ask and find out, but I highly doubt it. I do not know if these men trade with Mosh’ilan or any of the southern villages.”
“I hope they have some.”
“Me too.”
I leave Natoak’s hut and begin my walk down toward the village. My thoughts are consumed with that stupid bag of herbs the fish now get to enjoy. I do not hear the footsteps coming around the edge of the forest until Tarok is standing in front of me.
“You are done early,” he says surprised.
“Were you coming to get me or something?”
“Yes. I did not want you walking back to the village by yourself.”
“I appreciate that, I really do. But you did not need to.”
“No, I did. I needed to talk to you about what Namira said.”
“Listen, Tarok. I get it. It makes more sense for things to be this way. I mean, there has to be a reason why we can never get along for a decent amount of time.”
“What are you saying?”
“I am saying that you should bind yourself to Namira. Whatever happened in the past is between me and her and I was wrong to put you in the middle of it. I let my own hurt feelings get in the way of what you two could have. Maybe if I had not come back things would have been easier for you… for both of us.”
“Do not say that.”
“We both know it.”
“If it would have been easier, then why did you come back?”
I crack a sad smile. “Do you want the honest truth or a lie?”
“I want you to be honest with me, Akari.”
“I am sick, Tarok.” Just saying the words lifts a weight off my shoulders.
“Sick? What do you mean ‘sick’? The Shaman can give you herbs to fix it.”
“This cannot be fixed. I came home so I can see my family again. I came home so Natoak and I can find another Wise Woman.”
His face darkens with realization. “The herbs were for you.”
“Yes. They were for me.” I feel myself breaking. I have been trying to deny my fate, but I cannot anymore. It is time to face reality. “You and Namira are supposed to go through the binding ceremony. You cannot keep trying to make sure I am okay. I do not want to be angry at the spirits when I die. If you are around, I cannot be at peace.”
“Why did you not tell me when you came home?”
“Because it was not supposed to be like this. You and I were not supposed to have whatever this is. We were meant to be the Wise Woman and the future Chief; friends and nothing more.”
I can feel my heart breaking. I can feel everything I had hoped for and dreamed about shatter into non-existence. I wish things were different, but I have to be strong. This is the way it has to be. I have lied to myself about it long enough. I am going to die. I am going to die and there is nothing I can do about it.
As mine did last summer, Tarok’s entire world crashes around him. I can see it written on his face, in the way he stands. He tries to hold on to whatever piece of his ideal world he can grasp, even as it slips through his fingers. “No, that is not how it is supposed to be. I cannot stay away from you because I am not supposed to. Akari, I-”
“Tarok, please. Stop making this harder than it has to be.”
He crosses the space between us and puts his hands onto my cheeks, forcing me to look up at him. “No. That is not how it is supposed to be. It is supposed to be you and me. I do not care what the Matrons want. I want you to be my intended, Akari.”
My eyes run hot with tears. I break. “I am going to die!”
“Who says you are going to die? You do not know what is going to happen without the herbs.”
“How many other winter children are alive? There
is a reason for it and I will die, too.”
“But you will not die today and you will not die tomorrow,” he says calmly.
“One day I will, though. And when that day comes, I want to go with as little disturbance as possible.”
“We are all dying, Akari. Would you rather spend your last days brooding over the days you will not see? Or would you rather spend them with me?”
My fingers close around his wrists. Tarok’s thumb wipes away the tears falling down my cheeks. This is what I have wanted for so long. I do not even know what I am supposed to do…
So I push his hands away from my face. “I cannot do this, Tarok. I am sorry.”
I run through the village toward Sharp Stone. Nura lifts her head when she sees me. I leap onto the platform and enter the hut before lying down in my bed. I feel gentle nuzzling at my back. Nura pushes at my shoulder with her head until I sit up and allow her to lay near my pillow. I rest my head onto her side and shut my eyes so I can imagine being anywhere but here.
“I cannot do this anymore,” I whisper to her.
“That is the burden of knowing, Moon Child.”
I open my eyes to see myself lying next to the pool with the waterfall. The woman in white sits next to me. “I do not want to know. I want to forget. I want to forget everything,” I cry out.
“You have done a good enough job forgetting. Maybe it is time to start remembering.”
“What are you even talking about? You always speak so cryptically! How am I supposed to learn anything from you if you do not say what you mean?”
“Where is the fun in that? My job is not to tell what you want to hear. I tell you what you need to hear and let you figure out the meaning. How are you supposed to learn if you do not think?” She presses her finger to the center of my forehead. “All of your answers lie here. But only once you listen. You have been running for a long time, Moon Child. It is time you stopped.”
“I came home. I stopped running.”
“Have you? Your feet may not be moving, but you are not standing still.”
“I have been pretending everything is okay for a long time. I do not know how to stop,” I whisper.
“I think you should let someone help you. You are so resistant.” She breaths a laugh. “You always have been.”
“You know me?”
“Of course I do. We have known each other for many lifetimes. We will meet again in many more.”
“But you are a spirit.”
“We are all spirits.”
I pause to consider her words. “Does it hurt?”
“Does what hurt, child?”
“Dying.”
“It is different for everyone.”
“Will it hurt when I die?”
“Is that something you really want to know?”
I think for a minute before shaking my head. “No, I do not want to know.”
“Good.”
“Can I just lay here a while?”
“Yes, Akari.”
I turn my attention toward the sky. Lights dance in great, green waves above my head. The sound of the rushing water drowns out any sounds of the forest. The woman in white runs her fingers along my scalp. Everything here is so magical. If this is what the Spirit World is like, I would not mind staying.
“I would not mind staying at all,” I say through a yawn before sleep captures me.
“Akari, wake up! It is the middle of the day. Why are you sleeping?” I hear through the darkness.
I open my eyes to see her waving her wooden spoon around violently.
“Why is the wolf in here? I thought we made it clear that she was to stay outside,” my mother scolds.
“Ama, I need to tell you something.”
The spoon waving hand falls to her side. Her demeanor changes at the name I have not called her since I was a child. “What is wrong, baby?” She kneels next to me, placing her hand onto my forehead.
“I am sick, Ama.”
“Sick? Have you seen Natoak? Do you need me to make you some soup?”
I reach out to grab and hold her hand. “No, Ama. This is the kind of sick that does not go away.”
“It will be all right, Akari. We will get Natoak to make you some tea and you will be good as new.”
“The tea is all gone.”
“The tea?” She pauses. “How long have you known?”
“Since before I came home.”
“And you did not tell me?”
“I did not know how. I was afraid.”
“So afraid that you would carry this burden all by yourself?” She pulls me into a tight hug. “My baby, this burden is too large to carry all on your own.”
She holds me and I hold her. Both of us holding on too tight and not tight enough.
We stay like this until my father comes in expecting his mid-day meal. “Mina, I hope food is ready, I am.… What is going on?”
“I am sick, Ada.”
He does not say another word. He simply walks up to us and puts his arms around the two of us.