“How are you feeling?” Jasik asks, interrupting my thoughts.
I shrug in response.
“It’s hard in the beginning. The transition takes a heavy toll. The more you feed, the easier everything becomes.”
“Like what?” I ask.
“Your mind will clear. You won’t feel as conflicted about your choices.”
“Meaning what? My natural instincts will take over?”
He nods. “That’s a good way to put it.”
“But aren’t my natural instincts to kill? I am a vampire now.”
This time, he shrugs. “I don’t know. Were you a killer before I bit you?” He tries to hide his coy smile, but I’m not finding him funny. He doesn’t know how true his words are to me.
“Not exactly.”
He leans toward me and rests his elbows on the tabletop. The moonlight is shining through the stained-glass windows, illuminating the space around him. His pale skin shines in the dark, and his crimson irises glow even brighter.
“Ava—”
He shakes his head and runs a hand through his soft brown hair. I can tell he’s struggling to find the right words, so I brace myself for what he’s about to say.
“You have to stop thinking of vampirism as being some virus intent on wiping out earth’s population.”
I cross my arms against my chest and lean back. The metal chair is cool beneath my T-shirt.
“If vampirism isn’t an infection, what is it? How should I think of what’s happened to me?” I ask.
“Vampirism has elevated your natural existence. It’s making you a better, stronger, smarter…you. If you were a killer before you turned, then yes, you’re going to be an evil rogue vampire now.”
“And you kill rogues?”
He nods. “But if you were just a regular person trying to survive in a difficult world, you’ll be fine.”
“But I wasn’t a regular person. I was a witch intent on ending the vampire species. I was born into this blood war.”
“And now you live for it,” Jasik responds. “Blood is your life now.”
“Don’t you think my experiences mean I don’t have the luxury of time? I need to learn to control my blood lust now. I almost killed my coven, those kids.” I shake my head in frustration. Why am I the only one who thinks waiting is a bad idea?
“You were newly born. You weren’t yourself.”
“That’s no excuse.”
“I’m not giving you an excuse. That’s the reason you acted the way you did. Your emotions are heightened. Already, I’m sure you feel a bit on edge. You’ll be riding an emotional roller coaster for a while, Ava. You can’t blame yourself for your misdeeds while your head is foggy. Transitioning into a new level of existence isn’t easy.”
“When will I feel normal again?” I ask.
He exhales sharply. “It’s important that you know I’ll never lie to you—even when the truth hurts.”
What is that supposed to mean? I eye him cautiously and wait for him to continue.
“I’m not sure you’ll ever feel like you did when you were just a witch. That’s like asking the fish to feel like the worm, the poor to feel rich, minorities to feel like the majority. You’re asking one being to feel an unrealistic amount of empathy. There’s only so much we can understand when we try to put ourselves in someone else’s situation.”
“So I’ll never feel…normal again?”
“I’m not saying that. I’m saying your definition of ‘normal’ is going to change. Your idea of feeling like yourself is going to be redefined. You won’t feel like a mortal witch because you’re not one anymore. But if you give it a chance, you just might find that feeling like a vampire isn’t so bad.”
We remain silent for several minutes, and I appreciate Jasik allowing me to digest what he said before throwing a wicked curve ball my way. There’s only so much new information I can handle in one day.
“I am, you know,” I say.
“Hmm?” he asks.
“I am willing to try. I’m not going to lie to you either. I never wanted to be a vampire, and most of the time, I still don’t want to be one. Not a minute passes when I don’t wish I could just go home, take it all back. I wish I’d stayed inside instead of patrolling. I never would have met that vampire. He never would have come back. We wouldn’t have been attacked, and you never would have interrupted our ritual to save me. I’d be sleeping in my own bed right now. I’d spend tomorrow with Liv. I’d…” I swallow hard and stare off into space. It’s safe to say I kind of hate my life right now.
“I’m sorry you can’t spend tomorrow with friends and family. I’m sorry you won’t grow old with them and die a mortal death.”
“Eternity is a long time to be alone,” I whisper.
He nods. “It is. I often forget how blessed I am. I’m never alone. Malik is my biological brother. So few are this lucky.”
“Will you tell me about your life?” I ask.
He’s silent for a moment before responding. “We lived in a small seaside village in England. My father was a cottager, and my mother cared for my brother and me. We had a small cottage to call home but no land, so my father took odd jobs working on other people’s land so we could survive. We didn’t have enough money to buy our own goat for milk and cheese or chickens for eggs. So my mother would often barter for food. She was an amazing seamstress.”
I smile and wait for him to continue.
“There were so many feral cats in my village. They helped keep the rodents at bay. We never worried about infestations the way some of the finer properties did. I became friendly with one particular cat. She was pregnant, so I would save scraps of food when I could. Eventually she trusted me enough to take them straight from my hand.”
“That’s sweet,” I say.
“The merchant ships brought the vermin that carried the plague. It didn’t take long to reach our little village. Since I spent most of my days caring for feral cats…”
He exhales slowly, and my breath nearly catches as I wait for him to continue.
“It didn’t take much time to spread from me to my family. Malik and I lost everything and everyone in one fatal swoop. Amicia came to us in the middle of the night. When we awoke the next day, she was still there, and we felt so much better. We believed she saved us, but our parents weren’t as fortunate. They died that same night. With nothing left for us, we left with Amicia and eventually settled here.”
“Jasik… I don’t know what to say. I’m so sorry,” I whisper. He might have died several hundred years ago, but it’s clear the pain of that experience still very much lives within him. I can relate to that. The pain of losing my coven and my life will probably never leave me.
“As tragic as my life has been, I won’t pretend to understand your confusion, your pain. The day I awoke as a vampire, I left home. My family remains as memories in my mind, and I’m grateful I don’t still live somewhere where I am constantly reminded of everything I lost that fateful evening.”
I stare at Jasik as he recounts his transition. He falls silent, and his eyes grow dark. I’m certain he’s reliving moments he probably wishes remained buried. Guilt stabs me for just asking him to share his past with me.
“Amicia saved our lives, and for several centuries, we’ve remained loyal to her.”
“You don’t have a choice, do you? She’s your sire.”
Our gazes meet. “Siring someone doesn’t eliminate free will. You’re not bound to my word, Ava. You’re free, and I’ll never stop you if you wish to leave.”
“But I feel something,” I whisper.
“We are blood bound, but it’s a superficial link.” He waves off my concern with his hand. “You aren’t fated to me just because I turned you.”
“Then why was Amicia so concerned when I arrived?”
“It’s nothing more than a power play.”
“But you just said the sire bond doesn’t really matter,” I counter.
“No, I said the sir
e bond doesn’t grant me control over you. You still have free will. But we are linked. I’ve never met a sired pair of vampires who didn’t care for each other. If we are each other’s priority, there isn’t much room for Amicia.”
I consider his words. Deep down, I do feel that spark. There’s a growing attraction, a lingering pebble of respect for Jasik. If this is all the sire bond entails, I think I can control it. I can wield it to benefit me while I remain with the vampires.
But I can’t deny that there’s something more. A sense of loyalty is beginning to form as I get to know the vampire before me and the human he used to be. I want so desperately to return to my coven, but I’m hurt that they would forsake me so easily. Ever since our first encounter, Jasik has been by my side, caring for me, nurturing my vampirism, and even protecting me from his own sire. I do believe he won’t force me to stay, and I’m not even sure if leaving is the right thing to do. It feels like I’m becoming more confused with each hour that passes.
And maybe, just maybe, being a witch-turned-vampire won’t be so bad.
“Are you hungry?” Jasik asks, breaking my concentration.
At some point, I picked up my empty blood mug and started spinning it in my hands. I was so focused on everything he said, I didn’t even realize I was doing this.
I shake my head and push the mug away. “No.”
He arches a brow. “Are you sure? I know it’s hard at first, but you really need to feed when you’re hungry. The first several days are crucial.”
“I was just thinking.”
“About?” he asks.
I don’t want to admit my feelings for him are turning from immediate hate to sort-of-kind-of-maybe like. I also don’t want him to know that I’m still torn about my coven, so I spit out the first lie that comes to mind.
I nod at the doorway behind him. “What’s in that room?”
The door is closed, and I know it leads to a room I haven’t seen. The conservatory is one massive L-shaped room that connects to all the first-floor rooms on the right side of the manor. That mystery room should be located to the right of the foyer, so I’m guessing it’s nothing exciting. But it’s a viable distraction.
Jasik glances over his shoulder, and I admire the way his muscles strain beneath his T-shirt. I shake my head as I look away, chastising myself. Jasik has already confirmed that the sire bond is superficial, so I can stop this nonsense right now.
“That’s the parlor,” he responds before facing me again.
“And that would be?”
“A fancy name for a living room.”
I nod. “Can I see it?”
He shrugs. “Sure.”
He loops his fingers between the handles of our mugs and carries them as he stands. He pushes in his chair and then my chair before walking me toward the closed door. Clearly chivalry is not dead. It’s alive and well in this nearly seven-hundred-year-old vampire.
“Technically, you can get to the parlor from the foyer and the sitting room. That’s why this door pretty much stays closed.”
He opens the door and ushers me inside. Another stone fireplace sits as the room’s main focal point. Two large couches box it in, and on the far wall, a chess table is positioned in front of large bay windows that overlook the front yard. I can see the stone path that leads to the porch and the woods in the distance.
“Who plays?” I ask, eyeing the unfinished chess game.
He snorts. “Malik and I have been playing that game for three years. He won’t make a move because he refuses to lose to me.”
I grin and think about Liv. That’s definitely something she would do. Heck, even I would do that, but that would mean she was winning. And she and I both know board games are my forte.
I walk over to the game and kneel down. I blow at the dust that has coated the pieces and laugh.
“This definitely doesn’t feel like a vampire nest,” I say as I stand and turn to face him. Jasik still stands across the room by the doorway we entered through.
“What were you expecting?”
“A dungeon,” I say as I walk toward him.
He offers a hearty laugh, and I smile. In the last day and a half, I’ve only seen concern from him. It’s nice to see him relax around me. I’m sure it’s not easy. It’s hard for me to lower my walls around vampires, but Jasik makes it pretty easy. I’m sure it’s the sire bond, but I’m a little grateful. If I were on guard twenty-four-seven, I’d lose my mind.
I scan the rest of the room, and my gaze lands on the large painting positioned above the fireplace. Immediately I can see it is supposed to be Amicia. It’s not a clear portrait, but instead, it’s like the unfinished painting in Jasik’s bedroom. Splashes of paint form her delicate features, from the soft curve of her nose to her prominent lips to her alluring eyes.
“That’s beautiful,” I say.
Jasik doesn’t speak as I walk over to the painting and reach up, trailing my fingers softly against the canvas. Thick lines of paint dried as rigid edges. I shiver as one scrapes against my fingertips.
“I’ve always admired art, but I’ve never had the talent,” I say as I turn to face Jasik. “Have you always been an artist?”
His jaw clenches. The tiny muscles bulge, and I find my gaze narrowing in on his neck. A thick vein protrudes, tantalizing, teasing. I clear my throat and quickly look away. I don’t wait for him to answer as I find something else to home in on.
Several bookshelves are lined against the remaining wall. Unlike the shelves in Jasik’s bedroom, these are neatly stacked with leather-bound classics. As I approach the shelves, the smell of books becomes overwhelming and clouds my senses. They smell of age, of strength and dedication.
They smell like home, and the memories come flooding in. We also have a small library in our house. The witch elders would teach the young the ways of our people and the threat of the vampire race. I remember sitting on the floor with my legs crisscrossed, eagerly listening to tales that were passed down from generation to generation. We used to spend a couple hours each night in the library, listening to stories, researching vampires, and learning our history.
The older I became, the more Mamá pushed me to learn everything I could so that I could one day become an elder in our coven. She even hoped I’d become the high priestess one day. But eventually I grew tired of stories and games. I ventured out to experience life for myself and started patrolling and training harder than ever. I was devoted to protecting my coven, not leading it.
The books sit neatly on the shelves, squeezed into spots that seem too small for the bindings. One catches my eye. Unlike the others, it’s not perfectly bound in a leather cover. It’s old, stained, and bound together by stitching, not glue. This book hasn’t been cared for like the others. Why?
I wiggle the book free. Its fabric cover is peeling, as is the threaded binding. As I flip through the yellowed pages, I notice that most are no longer attached to the spine. I close the book and run my fingertips against the divots of the title. I carefully place the book back on the shelf, gently securing it in its fragile state next to the others. Maybe whoever stored it here thinks it is safe between the other books. When it was alone in my hands, it looked too fragile, like it would easily be destroyed, but now, among the many books, it’s protected.
I look down at my hands and then back to the book. Its torn cover gives away its hiding spot. Can it truly be safe beside the others? Or is this one book in greater danger because of its uniqueness?
I can’t help but compare our situations. I may be a vampire, but does that mean I’m truly safe here?
Jasik and I are finally settling into a not-so-awkward silence when Hikari comes barging into the parlor. Her eyes are narrowed, with laser beams aimed directly at my heart. She’s so furious I almost want to take cover.
She storms into the room, causing Jasik to stand so abruptly the novel he was reading falls from his hand and smacks against the hardwood floor. I wince as it lands in a loud thump.
; Hikari throws something at me, and I reach for it instinctively. I grab on to the canvas bag just as it falls into my lap.
It’s my overnight bag. I’m staring at the inner contents of the bag I packed when I was booted from my house and offered refuge here, where the vampires are oh-so-welcoming.
My gaze darts between Hikari and my bag. I’m confused by her anger and the unspoken accusation hanging in the air.
Has she been going through my stuff? Why would she go into my room without permission? What was she looking for?
“Hikari, what’s going on?” Jasik asks.
“Why don’t you ask her,” she responds, her gaze never leaving mine.
“Ava?” Jasik asks. He seems just as confused as I am. I’m glad to know he didn’t have any part of this intrusion on my privacy.
“This is my bag. Were you going through my stuff?” I zip the bag and throw the strap over my shoulder as I stand.
Hikari is around my height, and she’s just as naturally thin. I’m so upset by her brazen behavior, I’m certain I can take her in a fight. I’m fuming from anger, and what little trust Jasik and I were establishing has just been blown to pieces. If Hikari could do this, how do I know the other vampires aren’t working behind my back? For all I know, Amicia put her up to this. Maybe they’re all out to get me.
“Yes,” Hikari says simply.
“Hikari,” Jasik says, his tone sharp. He’s upset with her and on my side, which makes me smile.
“I had good reason, Jasik. Why don’t you ask her what’s hiding in her bag?”
He’s about to object, but something stops him. I suppose he’s considering her words, and either curiosity or fear is getting the best of him. He faces me.
“Ava?”
“What?” I snap.
“What’s in your bag?” he asks calmly.
“Nothing! You were there. I had two minutes to pack and leave. I took what I could before we were all incinerated by fire magic. You both should be thanking me for not taking my time!”
I’m furious that Hikari would dare not only to go through my stuff but also to try to turn Jasik against me. He’s my only ally in a house full of vampires who aren’t fond of guests—or witches. The minute I lose him, I’m ousted. And where am I going to go? I’m penniless, and I certainly can’t live on the streets with hunger creeping in every hour.
Dark Secret (Darkhaven Saga Book 1) Page 10