Go to my parents’ house. Shower, change of clothes. My mother says Gabriel, you got deregistered from uni because you didn’t hand in your final essays and they didn’t know where you were.
Ah shit I thought they’d do that.
But I spoke to your advisor and they’ve made a special exception for you so you can retake year two without having to pay extra.
That’s banging Mama.
Do you want something to eat?
Nah I’m going out to get suttin.
She looks at me, then looks away. My father’s at work. She can tell him I’m back. Time to go SK. Phone calls. Mazey, Gotti – when did you get out? Come buck me in SK as soon as you can brudda – Uncle T, Capo, Bimz. As I leave, my mother says if you can’t be good, just be careful. Yes Mama. Then I go to Uncle T’s.
Walking down the balcony of the fourth floor of Blake Court I see some of the lights aren’t working and there are blocks of shadow filling the spaces. Shadows. I remember the hard brightness of the police station. I can see shadows and it feels good when I walk through them.
Then I’m at Uncle T’s, starting to feel a bit more normal. Welcome home son, I started cooking as soon as I heard you was out. You got something to smoke my son? Wagwan roots says his bredrin Sparky and spuds me. Baseline rises up from the sound room downstairs. The flat is alive. Thaw. Plate of curry goat and rice and peas and coleslaw and fried plantain. I wax it off onetime and then I buy a draw.
Later I go and link Gotti who’s jamming with Little Man in front of Little Man’s block. He hugs me and says come we get a bottle. How was it? Calm innit, I’m just glad to be out, I say. Any madness? Nah brudda, true I was only there for two weeks. Gotti says it was mad when you started banging that brer on the tube like you was never gonna stop. I can tell you’ve just come out of pen brudda, you’ve got that look in your eyes, and I say lemme draw dat zoot. I walk away from him and Little Man and I phone Yinka and say Boo I jus wanna rip your panties off and flip you around and push myself into you and doggy you mad hard, I jus wanna fuck your brains out until you go blind and she says oh my days I’ve missed you so much, I’m so wet for you Gabriel.
WEEPING BLOOD
JAGGED WINTER. MAKES the bones in my back feel like they’re gonna break as I tense up because no matter how many layers I wear, this winter turns me cold. Thank God for Avirex jackets. Shitty snow that never lasts for long and turns the balconies and staircases in SK wet as it melts, slowing everyone’s pace down. Too cold to do moves. We stay indoors. The eats probably stay indoors too. Only the nittys don’t stay indoors. They come through whatever weather, shrivelled up inside oversized jackets and coats. Determined. Frosty air turning their breaths into rags of steam that hang in front of their mouths. Shotters come quick on bicycles to hit the sells before going back indoors.
New Year’s Eve is wavy enough that I don’t remember much. Party at Yassmin’s in her block in Precinct. Dancing in the front room to Mavado and Vybz Kartel with all the lights turned off and then outside in the stairwell everyone gathers to bun zoots. I throw up all over the stairs and Uncle T shouts go on son, get it all out of ya and everyone laughs. When I’ve finished, I come back down the stairs and say right I’m ready for another drink, who wants some Henny? Later, I sit on Yassmin’s lap in her kitchen and she says you should be a lover not a fighter. Then I pass out in her bed on my ones and when I wake up other people have come and conked out on the bed and the floor – Bimz and Ayesha and others.
I don’t need to go uni. I can do what I want until September. Yinka says well at least you can start spending more time with me now, we can actually start planning for the future.
You don’t understand, I say. I’m gonna do some serious moves with Gotti and once I get rich off that we’ll be able to create whatever future we want.
I don’t care about all that, I just want you to make more effort to spend time with me.
I spend bare time with you, just last week I paid for us to go hotel.
That’s not what I mean Gabriel.
Well I need to be around the mandem in case suttin pops off.
The mandem the mandem, and she kisses her teeth. Fuckssake Gabriel. Being in love with you isn’t easy. Sometimes I think you love your mandem more than me.
Don’t be stupid, I say. I love you more than anything. But right as the words come out of my mouth, I know that the effort it took to say them means they’re not real. I know that one day it will end, but I can’t bring myself to tell her.
I stop going to Paddington Green police station every evening to check in for my curfew. I can’t be fucked with it and it seems neither can they, coz my mother doesn’t call me at any point to say feds are after me again. While I’m jamming at Bimz’s, waiting for the next move to come from Big D or the next whatever to fall out of the sky, the new term of uni starts. Capo phones me and says he’s getting himself a flat in Fish Island with his cousin Blix. Says I can come and stay with them whenever I like and Gotti can come too since he knows we’re on a mad ting and might need to lie low after doing a eat or suttin. Say nuttin my brudda, I’m gonna come uni anyway, couple gyal I need to draw still, and he laughs and says dun know.
One morning I bell Gotti. He says you’re gonna live long you know, I was just about to call you, come buck me asap round the back of Little Man’s block.
The sky is clean, the sun is out, the chicken and vegetable patties are hot, the camera in the middle of Precinct is pointing downwards. I see him just outside the entrance to the block. He says wagwan Snoopz without looking at me and his eyes are somewhere else, they’ve slipped away. The sun trips over him, picks itself up quickly and keeps it moving, and I’m like what you saying broski? He starts telling me how some next shotter came onto the the strip and started taking his and Little Man’s sells.
They’d tell the nittys to come onto that little road coz it’s secluded and out of range of the big CCTV cameras. They were using that little strip to shot buj and work and this brer – he’s actually turning nitty coz he’s been smoking hard food innit, he’s called Stefano, I think he’s from Neasden or suttin says Gotti. But he ain’t one ah dem fucked-up cats who’s finished, he just started smoking, so he’s moving aggi like he’s fucking invincible, know like dat? So anyway he’s come onto the strip out of nowhere Snoopz, I don’t know who he knows in SK to be coming here like dat and he starts taking my cats, shotting his food to them and I’ve told him he needs to move from the strip and he’s gone yeah whatever and the next day this dickhead is there again. I swear down I actually seen the brer hitting a sell who’d just called me for three light and two dark like ten minutes earlier. So I tell him you can’t be coming on this strip to shot and he’s like whatever blood, what you gonna do about it? Gotti’s almost choking on his anger. I say so what did you do? Nuttin brudda, it’s like this …
The sun creaks across the sky. We walk out of the estate onto Kilburn High Road, start bopping up past the shops and he goes rah that’s Stefano and points to some brer in a shiny black Moncler puffer jacket with a fur hood, drinking a bottle of Supermalt. Gotti walks straight up to him and says yo g wagwan, what you after? Stefano says you got dat? And Gotti says yeah yeah. Stefano don’t look finished yet forreal. He’s about twenty-three and he ain’t all skinny and fucked up like most nittys who’ve been smoking for a while, but I can see the crack in his eyes like it’s plucked all the life out of them, leaving behind only something grimy and vicious, waiting to unleash itself. He ain’t shook of Gotti, I mean myman’s actually looking to cop work off Gotti right here right now. Brazen ting. He must be catting coz he ain’t smoked nuttin for a while. Must think that because Gotti didn’t do him nuttin it’s calm. And since myman’s been shotting but now he’s asking Gotti for suttin, I’m guessing all his food is done – probably smoked most of it himself anyway. Everyone knows that’s like Rule One of the Ten Crack Commandments: don’t get high on your own supply. I mean you can’t be a nitty and a shotter at the same time ah lie? That�
��s just bad business. I want two light, he says. That’s two £20 rocks of work. I know Gotti ain’t got food on him, so as soon as he says arright come then and we start walking back into SK, I know what time it is innit.
So boom, we’re walking down to the blocks and it’s this little road coming down off the high road that goes into the estate and there’s a long wall to the right with a Royal Mail depot on the other side, and this wall’s covered in ivy, the ivy consuming it, digesting it. As we walk down this road, the ivy moves but there’s no wind to blow through it or anything like that, but it’s moving as if there’s a massive snake hidden inside it and I can’t stop looking at it like whatdafuck, how is it alive? Just ahead of me a huge rat comes running out of the ivy, scurries up to a bin, climbs into it, then comes back out with something in its mouth and skitters back into the green wall. More rats come running out, making the same journey to the bin before disappearing back into the writhing wall.
We walk up to this block called Alpha House, a big yellow block with dark red balconies going all the way up for eight floors. Gotti says come we go in here and Stefano takes a sip from his bottle of Supermalt and Gotti jerks the door open, breaking the magnetic lock, so we enter the block coz it’s too bate with all the cameras to hit a sell on road. We step into the lift.
At this point Stefano’s not saying nuttin, he’s just looking at us hard, back n forth, from me to Gotti from Gotti to me. I look away like I’m not involved or anything and Gotti starts moving like he’s getting the food out, hand down the back of his tracksuit bottoms like forreal he’s gonna shot Stefano some work. The lift starts going up. Floating. I look at Stefano who backs the rest of his drink and casually drops the bottle in his hand so he’s holding it by its neck. Shit this pussyole’s ready, I need to be on point now I need to be on point. The walls of the lift close in.
Ping. The lift stops. Doors open. Stefano goes to bottle Gotti. Part of the bottle glances off Gotti’s head but he’s already started dodging out of the way. I boot Stefano in the side and as he staggers out of the lift, I forget my heartbeat and the world shrinks into this moment and I’m lost inside it. Gotti follows straight and sparks him in the face. Myman goes to bottle Gotti again and Gotti dodges it quicktime, high on lightning in his veins, and bangs him in the face again. Stefano drops backwards against the wall. We’re in the stairwell just outside the lift, balconies and flat doors to the right of us, and to the left a concrete staircase going all the way down to the bottom of the block.
Stefano tries to get up so I boot him in his chest. He starts kicking upwards like some giant beetle full of poison tryna get up, 10,000 volts of adrenaline. We hesitate. As he gets up, still holding on to that Supermalt bottle, I kick him in the face and his head just goes BONK off the fucking concrete wall behind him, mad hard like I actually hear his skull bounce, but myman’s still tryna get up and go for it.
It happens. Springs back up, tries to bottle Gotti again but this time Gotti gets the bottle and it drops and smashes, and it’s like Stefano suddenly realises rah these man really wanna do me suttin, he clocks he actually needs to get out of there coz we ain’t gonna stop, especially since we know he’s got some p’s on him innit.
Gotti shouts give us the fucking p’s blood. Stefano tries to run and Gotti gets hold of his hood so as he tries to get away he sheds his puffer jacket and his T-shirt underneath rips off so now he’s fully bare chest, running past me to get onto the balcony and Gotti’s like Snoopz stop him and I grab Stefano’s neck from behind, pull out my shank, flicking the blade out in the same moment and just jook jook jook jook jook five times in his back and I never feel the knife go in but I see it slip right in, so smooth, and nothing happens, like my blade goes right in up to the handle, I pull it back out and then these five eyes open up on his back and start weeping blood. Long red streams that run down to his waist.
He gets onto the balcony just a few metres away from me and he holds himself, arms wrapped around his body as if it’s about to fall apart, as if he wants to keep it from splintering into pieces that’ll scatter all over the balcony. He’s breathing in and out, in and out, in and out, rasping, loud breaths, eyes wide, his gouged back dripping onto the balcony and he throws two scrunched-up £50 notes at me and I pick them up and put them in my pocket. Gotti says that’s what happens when you come on the strip and try shot food when you’re not from round here innit. I turn around and I don’t look where I’m putting my feet and I skid on the blood and almost lose my balance and Gotti grabs my arm to steady me and then we run downstairs to the bottom of the block.
We come out and see one older brer, proper OG who’s in his forties, coming into the block and he’s like wagwan you man? and we’re like yeah yeah cool cool. We go back to Bimz’s yard.
Mazey’s just gotten up. Bimz is making breakfast. Gotti goes into the front room and says Snoopz just wetted up Stefano five times you know. Everyone’s like rah mad ting, Snoopz is mad. I go into the bathroom, pull my shank out, open it up and start washing the blood off into the sink, cleaning the blade and handle, and then I fold it back up and put it in my pocket.
I go shop with Gotti to break the fifty-pound note on some chip and munchies, and as we’re walking across the precinct we see that OG again, on his way to the shop as well, and as he sees us he goes oi you lot are fucking dangerous man, you lot are dangerous, and we start laughing. I’d started getting bored just jamming at Bimz’s but now it’s just another normal day, me being me, Gotti being Gotti, whatever. We go back to Bimz’s yard and Gotti falls asleep on the bed and I start bunning a zoot with Mazey and the TV is on for once, like no one’s playing Soulcalibur n shit and there’s something on the news about gun crime and knife crime and the mother of some yout who’s recently been murdered is saying This Has To Stop and I say see Mazey, this is exactly the kinda bullshit that pisses man off. All this talk don’t mean nuttin to mandem who are on soaking people up and alladat. The killers are gonna stay being killers, no one’s gonna turn around and say oh shit yeah, we should stop forreal because this dead yout’s mum said it has to stop. Mazey laughs, says you’re mad broski, nah but forreal, you’re right still and he puts his arm around my shoulder.
It gets me thinking what a load of wasted money those anti-knife anti-gun campaigns are, I mean they ain’t gonna change the will of the brers who wanna buss guns and hold shanks, them man have already made their decisions, they’ve already committed themselves to living like that. But the government’s always doing this big show where they go preaching around schools and youth centres and they get some washed rapper talking about how there’s more to life and all that shit like that’s all the youts need; some ex-roadman who ain’t got nuttin going for him so now he’s tryna do the positive ting. Whatever that is. What a load of empty bullshit. Do you not remember when you was on the roads doing madness? I bet no one could tell you to stop. But now that your career on road is done, no one rates you in the hood, you’re not a badman any more, probably ain’t got any p’s left coz the game flopped for you or whatever, now that it’s all done you’re tryna reinvent yourself. Half of these rappers ain’t even done any serious dirt on the roads anyway, some ain’t even shot a £20 rock in their life. But then the government gets them to come talk to the kids about put down the knives save lives and whatever neeky message they have to say, while the eaters and the killers and the trappers watch and think this brer’s a dickhead, who does he think he is? He best not come round the ends wearing them jewels coz man will yak that off him onetime.
Later Renay, that girl I’ve been linking from uni, hollers at me like my mum’s away do you wanna come over? and I say yeah yeah see you later. In the evening I go to her yard and when she answers the door she’s all dressed up in white stockings and a thong and as soon as I get in it’s like bang she knows what time it is. I go upstairs to her bedroom and she climbs onto the bed and turns round for me to fuck her from behind. But as I look down at her naked back I see the five stab wounds on her back as I’m a
bout to put it in and I keep seeing them flash across her back while I’m tryna beat and it proper kills the whole vibe and I make up some excuse. I pretend that I’ve hurt myself, that I’ve accidentally bent my dick inside her and it’s mad painful, like ah ah shit shit I hurt myself and I quickly end the whole ting coz all I can see are those red eyes weeping blood on her back, and then I tell her I have to go. But after that I sleep easy when I get back to Bimz’s yard, everyting is cool, I never really think about it too tough again.
CATCHING CATS IN GHANA
I DON’T KNOW why he done it. I mean he coulda just waited but nah, myman can’t ever wait, it’s always gotta be now now now.
Last week, Gotti broke into Bimz’s yard coz everyone was out and he didn’t wanna cotch on the block and wait for someone to come home with the key. Well he didn’t really break in. He just pushed open this tiny window next to the front door, which is the bathroom window, pulled himself up, slid through. When Bimz came home, Gotti was chilling on the sofa in Mazey’s room, bunning a zoot and Bimz said how did you get in blood? When Gotti told him, Bimz started screwing like fuckssake, this guy. How is man moving like some burglar and not showing any respect for my yard? he said to me when I came through later. That’s your bredrin Snoopz, remember what I told you. It was like he’d disowned Gotti. After that we went to stay up in East at Capo’s.
March. There’s nothing to do really and the sofas are mad uncomfortable, man can’t ever fully stretch out and more times we get woken up when Capo has to go to a lecture early in the morning. I keep having this mad dream about me and my twin brother stabbing each other up and I swear down it actually hurts in the dream when the blade goes into me and I always wake up with my heart banging like I’ve just been in a madness forreal and it doesn’t feel like I’ve slept. I’m bored says Gotti. Me too. Time to go back to SK where something’s always happening and I can feel real and normal and alive. Gotti says I’m not going Bimz’s yard though, bun dat – as if Bimz had done suttin badmind to him. I just laugh. I’ll be at Little Man’s he says. Calm.
Who They Was Page 14