“Did you get knocked up by the mayor or something?” She hisses an incorrect guess.
Close.
“No. Jesus. Shut up and let me talk.”
Kiersten holds up her hands. “Sorry. Okay, I’m done.” She silences herself by stealing a drink from the bottle. When she lowers it from her lips, I snatch it back and take my tug.
“I’m cutting to the chase, since I’m predicting you can’t handle sitting here for the long haul.” Her look says get on with it.
“I haven’t seen that man in nearly a decade and a half. Prior to that, he was the love of my life. But when it came down to choosing between the life I was living and my unborn baby, I chose Evelyn.”
“Why did you have to leave? Teens get pregnant all the time. That doesn’t mean they have to leave town.”
“I couldn’t have stayed with her. My dad died a few years prior, and my mother was barely alive, choosing to straddle the line between life and death. She lost her legs in the accident that took my father, but it was losing him that took her will to live. Ritchie was losing his battle with Leukemia. I was working full-time after school and on weekends, which I had to do once I left anyway, but once mom died, the disability payments would end. Our house was in poor shape. I wouldn’t have been able to fix it, let alone sell it for much, and then where would I have gone? If I had wanted to stay in Logansville, I would have had to terminate the pregnancy.”
“If all that were true, how did you afford to move and make it on your own as an underage, single mother-to-be? I’m not following.”
Ice floods my veins. I secure my hands beneath my arms for warmth and draw my legs up beneath me. Staring out the window, I grab onto an ounce of heat before it all flees. “In exchange for my silence, he offered me the money to raise Evelyn if I left town.”
Kiersten gasps. “The father blackmailed you?”
I shake my head. “It doesn’t matter. Blackmail or a new beginning? I couldn’t turn it down in my predicament, and it ended up being the best thing that could have happened to me.”
She steals my hand from where I tucked it and holds it between both of hers. Her face fills with concern. “Sweetie, I know you love your daughter more than anything, but blackmail is criminal. How have you been holding onto that this entire time and never said a thing?”
“What would it have changed?” My voice cracks.
“Let’s get back to how you haven’t seen the love of your life in fourteen years, and I’ll answer that question.”
“No.” I tug my hand from hers. “See, that’s exactly why I haven’t told you after all this time. I can’t dwell on what could have been if I hadn’t left. I can’t sit and run through the scenarios of telling him I was pregnant at sixteen and imagining what he would have done. I can’t pretend or hope we’d have somehow become a happy family because that’s not what happened. That’s not what I chose. After all this time, that could absolutely never be how things will turn out.”
Kiersten thrusts the bottle of bourbon into my hands. “Here.”
“Thanks,” I whisper as I uncap it.
“Then why is he here?”
I swirled the liquid over my taste buds and contemplate her question. “He isn’t here for me, if that’s what you’re getting at.”
“Isn’t he? Girl, I have ex-lovers. A lot of ex-lovers. Hell, I even have a few ex-I-thought-you-were-the-one-lovers. No way in hell would any of those dudes come back after a decade and bring my daughter a birthday gift.”
“You’re being ridiculous. When I say Law and I—ˮ.
“Law?” She shrieks, scaring the shit out of me. “Oh, Lordy, even his name is sexy. All unconventional and hot. Someone call 911 because I’m going to break Law’s—ˮ.
“Kiersten!”
Her body visibly jolts. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help that fantasy train. It shot straight out of the station into vagina town.”
“He and I were the best sort of childhood friends falling in love. It happened so slowly over the years, neither one of us really caught onto it until… Well, until it was crashing and burning into a fiery pit of lost hopes and dreams. Ugh.”
Kiersten seizes the bottle of bourbon from me, and I jump. “I sense we’re getting to the depressing part, so I’m just going to take this. I don’t think Evelyn needs to see her mom drunk on her birthday.”
“I hate you,” I grouse.
“You love me. So, go on, keep talking.”
“He was my everything, from my best friend to my first love. He stole my first kiss, and I freely gave up more after that. We were each other’s dates for school dances. I always had the impression we were together, even when we were too young to put a label on it. As we got older, I thought the label just adhered itself to our situation, but I guess I was wrong.”
“What happened?”
“What happened?” I laugh through the pain that question evokes. “The last thing I ever expected. He wanted to see somebody else. He thought I’d be okay with waiting for him to test the waters, to make sure I was what he wanted.”
5
Nearly Fifteen Years Ago…
“You’re eating lunch today?”
I glanced over at my best friend, Rachael, before looking down to my tray of breaded pork steak and mashed potatoes. The only day I forked over the money for school lunch. I even paid a little more for some extra potatoes. We’d lived on simple food at home since my dad died. Nothing that even came close to how good this tasted. I’d been looking forward to this day since they released the lunch calendar for this month.
I cocked my head at her. “Did we just meet? You know I always eat on breaded pork steak day.”
She shrugged and looked away, but not before I saw the pink spread across her cheeks.
“What is it? Why are you acting weird?” I asked around a mouthful of food. I liked to take the meat and use it to scoop up the potatoes. It was heavenly compared to ramen noodles and PB & J.
She darted her gaze around the room before seeming to shrink in her seat. Her voice lowered in the noisy cafeteria so much I had to lean closer to hear her. “It’s just that you’ve been working more and eating here less. I haven’t seen you in a while. I’m a little surprised you bought lunch today.”
My stomach dropped at the same time my back straightened. Unlike Rachael, I didn’t lower my voice—I raised it. “Yeah, I’m poor. That doesn’t mean I can’t indulge every once in a while.” Guilt swamped me, both for spending money I shouldn’t have and for getting upset with my friend. She said nothing that was untrue. I picked up my tray from the table and stood.
“Cami, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be a bitch.” Her voice shook a little.
I didn’t reply. I went to round the corner of the table and walked right into Law. He let out an Oof! and grabbed my tray before it dumped all over his chest.
“Hey, you,” I greeted fondly, happy to see the one person who understood what I was going through and didn’t judge me for it. “No lunch today?”
“Um, hey.” His answering response came out serious and instantly set me on edge. He tugged the tray from my hands and placed it on an empty seat at the table beside us. “Can we talk?”
I stood awkwardly, wishing he’d take my hand or something. This felt unnatural to us, and I didn’t like it. “Um, sure. Where do you want to go?”
“How about somewhere quiet?” He nodded his head towards the cafeteria exit, and without waiting for me, started walking in that direction.
What could I do but trail behind? My feet wanted to break out into a run, so I forced myself to slow down. It was hard when I had a bad feeling about the conversation to come.
We walked silently out of the cafeteria and down the hall, me a few steps behind him the entire way. Not once did he glance back or take my hand or start a conversation. We’d been alone since the moment we left the cafeteria, but Law seemed stuck inside his own head.
Suddenly, Law stopped and backed up a few steps, pausing outside the shop c
lassroom. He peered through the glass pane. Then he turned and scanned the surrounding halls. His eyes briefly caught mine, so I gave him a quick shrug, but he looked away quickly. My heart sank.
Satisfied we were alone, he wrenched open the door and held it so I could follow him inside. The click of the door shutting amplified in the empty space.
“So… what’s up? I won’t lie, you’re making me nervous. So if you could just spit it out and get on with it, that’d be great.” I smiled my quirky smile. Law just looked at me, and if I wasn’t mistaken, his frown deepened.
The muscles gave out and my smile fell.
He didn’t seem ready to talk, and I wanted to give him time if he needed it. I looked around the space. I loved the smell of this room. The scent of sawdust and wood stain hung in the air, even when the class wasn’t actively working on any projects. I felt real and gritty in here, reinforced as a young woman who could do anything that my male peers could. I’d taken shop last semester, and I still glowed when I replayed my teacher’s praising comments in my head. He’d encouraged me to sign up for the off-site class as an elective for my senior year. The students in that class got to build an entire house during the semester, and he’d told me there are very few females that sign up. It meant a lot to me he took the time to reach out and encourage me to apply. It might be a year and a half away yet, but I already knew it was something I’d be doing.
Feeling like I’d given him ample time, I questioned again. “Law?”
“You and me, we’re a forever kind of thing. You know that, right? You think that, too?”
Everything inside of me froze at the sound of his voice. It was calm but anxious, with a hint of imploring. And I didn’t understand where he was going with this.
I leaned my side against the high, metal shop table and looked him in the eyes. “I do. You’ve been my best friend for as long as I can remember. Just spit it out, Law. Are you moving? Did your dad get a new job?”
“No.” He looked to his shoes and my eyes dropped there. Together we watched as he shifted a pile of sawdust with his toe.
“Then what is it?” I couldn’t keep the anxious edge out of my voice. He sounded like he was leaving me. I don’t know what I’d do if that happened.
Law took a deep breath. Not one I heard, but I saw his entire torso lift and settle again. It was silent, but huge, as if he just sucked in a lungful of strength. His gaze leveled with mine.
“Steph asked me on a date, and I said yes. Not because I don’t love you, because you know I do. But because this is the one time in my life where I can. After this, we’re off to college and jobs and real life responsibilities, and I know I want to experience all that with you.”
I heard what he said, but my mind wasn’t comprehending it. A rush of blood pulsated in my ears. “But, you hate Steph.”
Yep. That’s what I said. All that, and the only thing I could focus on was that he hated Steph.
He scrubbed the back of his neck with his hand. “I don’t hate Steph. I didn’t like her relentless pursuit of me, but I don’t hate her. She’s a nice girl.”
“So, her pursuit paid off? Is that what this is?”
“No, it’s not that.”
I stood up straight. “Well, what is it then? I’m still waiting for you to say something that makes sense.”
“We should use this time for experiences, Cami. I want our future to have no regrets. It’s just one date. I’ve never been on a date with anyone but you.”
My eyes burned hot with tears, but I blinked them back. Law had seen me cry more times over the years than my family, especially since the death of my dad. But I wouldn’t give him this.
He hurt me, and he knew how to fix it. But I refused to have my tears feed his guilt. If he wanted to make things right, he had to do it for the right reasons. Not because he felt sorry for me.
“I thought you were dating me. How can you toss me aside for someone like her? She isn’t even nice.”
“Cami.” His voice sounded pained. “I’d never, ever, toss you aside. I don’t know how else to explain it to you. I know it sounds stupid, but it’s what I need. I want to be one hundred percent sure about you and me. This is the only way I could see to make that happen.”
My breath hitched. “Is it because I won’t have sex with you? Because I will, someday. I just didn’t think we were ready.”
“This has nothing to do with sex.”
That I believed. The way his eyes held mine took my breath away. So, if it wasn’t the sex, it must have been a status thing. I’m the poor girl with the sad life. Steph is the rich girl, cheerleading captain, who’s been in bed with half the football team. She’s a senior and stupidly gorgeous. If Law dated her, he’d be the most popular sophomore at Logansville High. The pieces made sense.
In a nanosecond I went from sad to angry. “If you think I’m just going to stick around and wait for you while you sample the other girls around here, you’ve got another think coming. I won’t hang around being poor, sad Cami while you prance around with your new arm candy.”
“If that’s what you want, then it’s your decision to make. Just know while you’re home pouting, I’ll be out with the cheerleading captain. Maybe, if I’m lucky, I’ll get to kiss her.” His taunt dripped with antagonism.
The words stuck to me like a thousand burrs I’d never be able to get off, and all that mattered was hurting him back. It was a weak attempt. The last person I ever thought would intentionally hurt me had wounded me through and through.
“Fine! At least I have your first kiss!”
“Yeah? Well, she’s going to get my last.” That was his parting shot. Law left me alone in the shop room, slamming the door behind him, as I tried to gather up the pieces to my shredded heart.
6
“What an idiot! I’ve changed my mind. I don’t care if he’s back for you or not, he doesn’t deserve you.”
Kiersten’s angry on my behalf after hearing the retelling of my childhood heartbreak. If it hadn’t hurt so bad to share that memory, I might laugh at how upset she is for teenage me.
During the recollection, I laid on my back on the couch. My fingers lace against my abdomen and my feet perch on the armrest. Kiersten holds her face is a comical mask of ire as she paces the floor next to me. The entire situation is reminiscent of an hour at the shrink’s office, not that I’d know what that feels like.
“I agreed with you back then. I thought he was being an idiot too. Now that I’m older, I can sort of see where he was coming from.”
She abruptly stops in her tracks. “How can you even say that? He crushed you!”
I roll my eyes. “Thanks for the reminder.”
“Well, you sound like an idiot. Did you forget all the pain this caused? Not to mention him hurting you was the catalyst for all… this.” She waves her hand, gesturing my living room.
“I was the catalyst for all this.” I correct. “I say that partly because three weeks after that happened, he ended things with Steph and came crawling back to me to tell me how wrong and sorry he was. And partly because I get it now. I have a teenaged daughter. If she started dating one guy now and wanted to be with him forever, I’d try to warn her of the same things too. High school should be the time for meeting different people and making friends. I know my life isn’t typical for most, but things go fast once college hits. More often than not, people regret long-term dating in high school. High school sweethearts are a myth more than reality. Law wasn’t far off in what he was trying to convey. His inexperience and delivery, however, is a different story.”
The conversation tires me, and the sun sinks, bathing the room in a dim glow. I hoist myself off the couch, grab the bourbon, and wander into the kitchen.
Kiersten follows hot on my heels. “So he came back and said sorry? Why didn’t you take him back?”
I shove the bottle in the cabinet above the fridge and lower myself from my tippy toes back to flat feet. “Because.” I look her in the eye. “I had alrea
dy found out I was pregnant.”
“Oh.”
“Yep.”
“How is that possible?”
“I guess my timing was impeccable.” I answer sarcastically. “Had sex when I didn’t know I was ovulating and bam! Two weeks later, I missed my period. Gave it another week, because I was sure it was stress-related. I was wrong, obviously.”
We stand silently in my small kitchen. Kiersten probably conjures a whole fresh box of questions she wants to ask. Me? A thousand thoughts swirled of what happened back then. How weak I was. How I just wanted to feel loved after Law made me feel unworthy. How I let someone use sweet words and empty promises to coax me to open my legs.
Kiersten had it right the other day at the coffee shop. I’m a thirty-year-old woman who hasn’t had sex since I conceived Evelyn. Not because I carry a torch for my lost childhood love. As a teen, I always thought my first time would be Law. Stupidly, I ruined that.
The biggest reason is I lost the ability to trust myself to make that decision. A one-night stand is completely out of the question. Been there, done that, had the child to show for it. I can’t be like Kiersten and throw myself into bed with a willing participant. I want to get to know the man I sleep with first. In all the years since I moved to Arrow Creek, I haven’t been able to let myself open up to someone enough to date them more than once or twice, never mind anything close to having sex.
My battery boyfriend and hand have worked just fine.
At first I told myself I had to focus on my daughter and my career, but as those months bled away to years, too much time has passed to the point now I’m just scared.
The decision I made all those years ago was so wrong, but the reality of it is that I had said yes. He asked if it was okay, and I invited him to go ahead. And that’s the most shameful part of it all. Well, almost.
The most shameful part is who he is and how that’s the deepest betrayal of all.
Where We Meet Again Page 4