Where We Meet Again

by Wilson, A. M.

  “Yep.”

  “Bold.”

  “Stupid, but I had to get you something. You only turn twenty-one once.”

  His hand shifted beneath the thick blankets I brought him the last time I came. I dug it out and wrapped it in mine. It was cold, even though they kept the heat cranked up. I clasped him tightly.

  “When I die…”

  “Ritchie, stop.”

  “Listen,” he barked, and for a moment, he sounded like the old Ritchie. His voice came out clear and strong, and I wanted to bottle it up and take it with me so I could listen to it wherever I went.

  “When I die, visit me. On my birthday… bring that,” he tipped his head towards the bottle in my lap. “And have a drink. Every birthday so… you can relax for one… day.”

  “I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready to go back to Logansville, but when I am, I’ll be there.”

  He gently squeezed my hand. “I saved some money… and bought a plot in… Arrow Creek.”

  “What? That money was supposed to be for your treatment!” I started trembling. “You have to get that money back. We could do another round right now! I’m going to go get the director and your doctor on the phone.” I tried to get up, but he tugged at my arm.

  “They both… know. Look at me, Cam.”

  I did. Reluctantly. Knowing what he was about to say hit me like a truck, and it became hard to breathe. Please, God, no. He didn’t.

  “I refused treatment–ˮ

  “No!” The scream tore out of me like a gunshot and ricocheted around the room. “Why would you do that? Don’t you know I need you?”

  “I’m ready to die. I’m not getting… better. It’s been… years.” A cough overcame him, as if the universe was trying to prove his point. Once he caught his breath, he continued. “It’s only a matter of time. You have a new… job. The baby. You can’t spend… your time worrying about… me. I’m ready to go.”

  The gravity of the situation became too much, and I collapsed into tears across his body, as if I could use mine to protect him from death.

  I couldn’t, and I knew that. Death would rip him straight out from under me, and it was going to happen sooner than I was ready for. Hell, I’d never be ready.

  He rubbed my swollen stomach. “You’re going to be a great mom. Your love for… her will help you with your… grief.”

  I glared at him. “I love you, but I hate you so much right now. I don’t want to ever say goodbye.” Sobs wracked my body. ‘Goodbye’ was so permanent, and there was nothing good about it.

  “Come here.” He opened his frail arms, and I hoisted my enormous belly up the bed and settled into the curve of his armpit. He held me.

  It felt wrong. I should’ve held him. I should’ve comforted him, knowing he was right and that his death was on the horizon. But I was scared, and I was selfish. So, I let him hold me while I cried.

  When I’d calmed, he dried my tears with the corner of his blanket and kissed the side of my head.

  “Just so you know… you stink.”

  A laugh bubbled out. “You do, too.”

  “Yeah, well, I’m dying… so.”

  I sat straight up in the bed and turned around to glare at him. “That’s not even remotely funny.”

  “I know. One more drink. You’ve got to go. It’s getting… late. New job tomorrow.”

  I gave him another swig, and a little leaked out of the corner of his mouth. I grabbed a tissue from the box on his nightstand and carefully dabbed it away. He stared me dead in the eye while I did it, almost as if he were willing me to understand and be okay.

  He had to have known I’d never be okay.

  Not with being forced to leave him and Logansville, not with raising a baby at sixteen, not with him dying. I didn’t know how I’d ever come back from all of that.

  I didn’t know if I even wanted to.

  I had to, though, because if Ritchie dying taught me anything, it was that so many lives are ripped away without warning or reason. For me to give up because my life was too hard was an insult.

  He was right about me needing to leave, but in that moment, the thought of walking out that door and never seeing him again nearly killed me. My knees were weak and shaking, and I didn’t think they’d even hold me up long enough to do it. I could feel my heart splitting into two. I couldn’t. I couldn’t do it.

  “I can’t do it.”

  “You have to.”

  “I c-c-can’t.” Tears trailed down my cheeks.

  “You have to.”

  “Please don’t make me leave you.”

  “I’m going to miss you, too, sis, but I don’t want you driving all the way home after dark.”

  “Stop minimizing what I’m feeling.” I started getting angry.

  “I’m not.” He was serious, and at his tone, I instantly quieted. “I love you, and I know you’re dying inside because… if our places were reversed… I would be, too. But I can’t… stop this from happening and… neither can… you. So, go. Learning to live on your own… begins… now. Whenever… you need me… visit me. I’ll be waiting.”

  I grabbed another tissue and wiped my face, and fought against every instinct in my body that wanted to break down again. Leaning over the bedrail the best I could with my belly in the way, I tucked his blanket higher on his chest and kissed his cheek. I touched his bald head and patted his shoulder and gripped his hand. Stalling.

  “I won’t say goodbye.”

  “Then don’t.”

  “I won’t. But I will say I’m going to miss you.” My voice cracked, and I swallowed hard. “And,” I swallowed again. “That I love you, Witchy.”

  “I love you, too. Now go.”

  I gathered my tote and held my fingers to my lips. We locked eyes in the doorway, but neither of us spoke another word.

  And somehow, I forced myself to turn and walk out, leaving my brother behind.

  I took a detour home that night. I drove the hour and a half in the opposite direction to Logansville, up and down my old neighborhood streets. The lights were on in my old home as I passed. A new family had moved in over the past month. Shadows crossed the closed curtains, and I’d sent up a silent prayer that they had more luck in that home than my family did.

  Out of habit, I found myself parked across from Law’s house, and it wasn’t until then that I finally cried. A dam broke, and the sobs ripped through me at a frightening pace. I couldn’t catch my breath. In that moment, it was okay. I wasn’t sure I wanted to breathe again in a world that Ritchie wouldn’t be in.

  Headlights pooled over my car, and I ducked like a coward, frantically swiping at the tears that continued to fall. A truck drove passed. That was my cue to get on the road home. I didn’t want anyone to see me there.

  It took three-and-a-half hours to get back to my apartment, and the entire way there, I clutched my cell phone for the call I was dreading.

  It came three days later, on Ritchie’s actual birthdate. He was gone.

  * * *

  I finished my flask some time ago and tossed it toward the other one. I’m drunk. I remain upright against the headstone, clutching it for support. Melted snow soaks the front of my jeans, and the icy cold seeps deep into my knees. I can’t feel much of anything. Mostly I’m numb. Numb and selfish and sad.

  “So, you see, brother,” I slur. “You wanted me to visit you on your birthday, and instead I only visit on mine. Because I’m selfish. Though, it’s mostly because it hurts so damn much.”

  “He’s not alone.” Law’s deep voice rumbles from behind me. “Nice setup. You do this often?”

  “Go away.” I drop my hands into the snow.

  “I visit him on his birthday. Every one.”

  “Don’t you have anything better to do? Like live your own life? Why do you keep stalking me at the cemetery? This isn’t romantic.”

  “Thought you might need some company today.”

  His calm demeanor pisses me off. I roll off my knees and onto my ass in the
snow. The harsh sunlight shocks my pupils as I tilt my face to his. “Is your phone broken?”

  He runs a palm down his face and drops it to his side. Two lines appear between his brows, crinkled in concern. “Oh Cami… You look like shit, darlin’.”

  “Just go away.”

  “I tried that. More than once. I’m finding it hard to stay away.”

  “I could give you a reason,” I mutter, knowing it’s the truth. Not knowing if I can go through with it.

  “Time to go before you get sick.”

  “What makes you think you can boss me around?”

  “I’m not debating this with you. You’ve been out here god knows how long, you’re soaking wet, drunk enough to not feel the pain, and it’s thirty-fucking degrees outside. I’m not leaving you here to catch your death.”

  I snort with derision. “Nice choice of words.”

  The gap between us closes in three large strides from Law, and he crouches in front of me. The unyielding marble traps me. He gathers my face in his warm palms and takes my lips.

  Warmth swells through my limbs, replacing the bone-deep chill. My mind blanks of the thoughts that have plagued me all morning. All I can focus on is the feel of his lips taking mine. Instantly, my nipples swell and harden. The throbbing ache awakens between my thighs, demanding to be dealt with. I’m so far gone I wouldn’t protest to being thrown to the ground and taken right here…

  A fit of giggles steals over me. My hands seek his chest, and at contact, I push with all the strength I can muster. Law stumbles back a step, nearly falling on his ass, and I erupt into laughter again.

  “What the hell?”

  “I was just thinking…” I stop to catch my breath. “Ritchie would be horrified to know what we’re doing on his grave of all places.”

  The corners of Law’s lips twitch, and he gazes at the marbled stone. “I think he would be pleased as hell.”

  “Do you really?” The uncertainty rings clear between us.

  “I do. No doubt about it.”

  I gaze at the stone and nod my head. “I’m ready to go now.” I plant my hands on the headstone to hoist myself up, but the alcohol makes my limbs slow and lazy. Before I manage an inch, Law grips me underneath my arms and lifts. When I’m steady, he doesn’t let me go. Not completely. He encircles my shoulders with his arm and guides me into his side.

  We both stare at the headstone, lost in our thoughts.

  “First birthday in a long time the three of us were together. Can’t promise I’ll be here for the rest, but glad I could be here for this one.” He places a kiss on my temple.

  “Me too.” I don’t have it in me to interpret the meaning behind his words, so for the time being, I let them drift off in the wind.

  We gather my things from my morbid birthday party, and he drives me home. The goodbyes are quick. He doesn’t linger, and neither do I. The realization struck during the drive that what’s going to happen will happen in its own time.

  I still have secrets to share with Law, secrets I’m not even sure I can. Until I do that, I have no business expecting him to be anything to me.

  Without the full truth, he can never be mine.

  17

  “Hey, Cami!” Nathan calls from the driver’s seat when I walk into the ambulance bay the next day. We haven’t seen or talked to one another since I called off our date. I wasn’t sure how things would be between us. The familiar way he greets me immediately sets me at ease.

  “Hey, how’s it going?”

  The clank of my locker echoes around us as I open it to put my purse and coat away.

  “Things are good. Glad to have you back. How’s the foot?” He glances to where I switch out my winter boots for my work ones.

  “Much better.” I flex the foot back and forth as if to prove it. “Still bruised, and I’ve been taping it. The stretches the doctor told me to do have helped a lot.”

  “Good. I didn’t want to have to pull your dead weight around or anything. Although, it wouldn’t be much different than working with Ralph the past week. The man does a shit job.”

  I widen my eyes at him. “That’s not nice. Just because he refuses to leave the driver’s seat on most calls and won’t walk up more than five stairs at a time, doesn’t mean he’s a bad medic.”

  “Um, yes it does.” Nathan climbs out of the cab and into the back to take inventory.

  “Yeah, you’re right. Sorry I left you hanging like that.” I strap my radio on and stroll around the back when Nathan suddenly jumps out. My heart skips a beat. “Good god, could you warn a person first?”

  “Where’s the fun in that? Speaking of leaving me hanging, I’ve been thinking about the date you cancelled.”

  Oh, shit. I close the doors on the back of the rig. “It wasn’t a date.”

  “Then rescheduling shouldn’t be an issue, since friends hang out all the time.” He grins at me. His confidence really sucks sometimes. If he were even a little unsure of himself, it would be easier to tell him no. As it is, he knows he’s being cute.

  I went fourteen years without a single man in my life, and in the span of a few weeks, I’m overwhelmed by two of them. What in the hell, universe? Come on.

  “Nathan,” I sigh. “I’d be a liar if I said I didn’t like you. We get along great. It’s just, I need to keep my work and personal life separate. This is all I’ve got going for Evelyn and me. I started working here in reception at seventeen. I don’t know how to do anything else. If things were to sour between us, I’d have nowhere else to go. And you know how much I need this job.”

  His face is a wash of concern, sympathy, and understanding.

  “That said, we can go out as friends for New Year’s Eve. Get fancy, have some drinks, dance. You’re welcome to bring some friends.”

  He rubs the back of his neck. “If it’s the best you can do, I’ll take it for now. Maybe I can get you to change your mind.”

  I reach out and pat his bicep. “You can’t. I’m sorry to be blunt, but I’m not going to string you along. After what you went through with your wife, you deserve a good woman. One who’ll treat you right.” My hand falls to my side, and I climb in the passenger door. Our radios click from dispatch with a call about a car accident. Saved by the bell. I lean out my window and slap the side of the vehicle. “Climb in partner! Time to work!”

  Nathan hops in the driver’s side and rolls his eyes as he fires the ambulance to life. “Even if I wasn’t your partner, I could tell you’ve been off work for a while. Nobody is that enthusiastic about this job. Ever.”

  “I can’t help it. I’ve been so bored.”

  “Right. New rule. If you aren’t going to go out with me, you’ve gotta stop being so damn cute.”

  That’s a compliment I’ll let him get away with.

  Nathan pulls out of the garage. The siren whoops to warn the cars waiting at the intersection we’re coming, and the red and blue lights flash continuously. We are on our way.

  Our relationship seems mostly back to normal. One thing I like most is how genuine he is. He doesn’t hold a grudge for something he has no control over. He also doesn’t make me uncomfortable for turning him down.

  I’ll never admit it out loud, but I haven’t completely locked away the idea of dating him. There’s a minor attraction there, one I refused to acknowledge until he kissed me in the emergency room.

  It’s just that my life is too crazy now that Law’s back. My emotions are on overdrive, and I don’t have that first clue to what it means seeing him again. For years, I committed myself to being alone, and I was content with the picture I conjured of that life. I’d long forgotten about living a life of love. The love from Evelyn had been enough. It still is.

  Something stirred inside of me when Law came back. The more time he spends around flirting with the possibility of being together, the more open I become to exploring what that means. I also consider the likelihood of that need sticking around if Law and I don’t work out any farther than what we’ve
been these past couple months.

  When I left home, I was still a child. Then I had a child of my own. Those first years were a whirlwind. They are for every new parent. It threw me into figuring out how to manage my responsibilities and how to raise an infant at the same time. Two tasks many thirty-year-old’s struggle with separately. How I figured them out together as a teen, I’ll never know.

  Focus overrode every aspect of my life. Evelyn was my number one priority, and in putting her there, the others fell into line. Next came the job, which was tied into money, and that money branched out into paying for bills and necessities. After the necessities came her wants, and my wellbeing fell somewhere behind that. Sex wasn’t even on the table, let alone trying to manage a relationship. After the night I conceived Evelyn, I’d convinced myself I’d never be vulnerable enough to have sex again. In my experience, it had been a game of manipulation. One I could never win, because I’d never be an experienced player.

  That’s what I convinced myself. Then I blinked. And fourteen years had gone by.

  In that time frame, I’ve built a beautiful life for my daughter and me. Our house is being paid off, I pay bills on time. We don’t live paycheck to paycheck, even on a single income, and I have plenty stashed away in an emergency fund. I can afford to buy us the extras our hearts’ desire. We aren’t rich by any means, but with only the two of us, life is comfortable. The focus I put into getting us here has recently converted into enjoying the things I earn.

  The biggest of all being my happiness.

  So, yeah. Law showing up in my life changes my perspective. I worked hard to get where I am and to dig myself out of the hole I landed myself in. That work is ending. In five years, Evelyn will go to college or start a job, possibly moving out. Five years. That isn’t much time at all. In the grand scheme of life, it’s practically nothing.

  I have to let Nathan go, completely free and clear. It’s not fair to him, or myself, to string him along. I have to be strong and continue without a backup plan. If nothing comes from Law and me, and I want to continue exploring what’s out there, I can do it without a reserve. I believe life will work itself out the way it’s supposed to in the end.