Jenny roused herself from a morbid reliving of the event. ‘He went home. His home.’
Max nodded. ‘About time, too.’
He sat next to Jenny for a few minutes, saying nothing. They both watched the monitor tracing the rhythms of Fraser’s heartbeat.
‘He’ll be all right.’ Max said, placing his free hand on Jenny’s.
Jenny looked at Fraser. There was an immobility in his face that seemed in some way profound, untouchable. ‘I barely recognize him.’ She felt a tear brim over her lower lid and slide down her cheek and realized that she meant more than just the physical change in him.
Max watched her closely in silence for some moments and then said, ‘What will you do?’
Jenny sighed. ‘I hate what he did — the fact of his betrayal — but I can’t bring myself to hate him. You must think me terribly weak.’
‘Fraser has stood by you and shared your happiness and sadness for fifteen years,’ he said. ‘You’ve accepted your childlessness and made something positive from it. You’ve given a home, love and stability to dozens of children — perhaps the warmest and closest family experience of their lives — and never regretted it, never stinted, never resented the demands those children made on you.’ He smiled. ‘Of course you’re not weak — you’re the strongest woman I know.’
Jenny nodded. It was reassuring to have the affirmation. She was surprised that Ligat’s physical assault on her had so emphatically undermined her confidence, her centre of inner calm seemed to have evaporated in the heat of the attack and she felt vulnerable and alone.
Max sighed. ‘It’s a shame about Luke.’
Jenny felt the blood drain from her face, and she gripped his hand tightly. ‘What’s wrong with Luke?’ she whispered, afraid to look into his face.
‘Nothing wrong, exactly,’ he said. ‘But his adoptive parents have asked for him to be taken back into care — they simply can’t cope with him any longer.’
Jenny searched his face, suspecting one of Max’s manipulations.
‘Surely not,’ she said.
Max tilted his head. ‘He simply won’t settle. I’ve never seen him so monstrous. You wouldn’t believe it was the same little boy who charmed everyone while he was with you.’
Jenny tried not to feel a degree of satisfaction in this.
‘We’ll have to find him another foster placement, but what he really needs is to be with someone he trusts.’ He slid her a sly look, her eyes snapped to his again.
Now she was in no doubt — this entire visit was a set-up.
Fraser stirred and moaned. At the same moment, the nurse returned. Max patted Jenny’s hand before he was wheeled out.
Jenny wet Fraser’s lips with the sponge and he licked them greedily. She took fresh cotton-wool swabs and wiped his eyelids with gentle care.
He was still for a time, then slowly, experimentally, he opened his eyes. For a long time, he didn’t speak and Jenny was afraid that his injuries had been more severe than the hospital had realized. Then, after swallowing, he managed to croak, ‘I’m sorry.’
‘So am I.’ She wanted to say, ‘It’s all right.’ But it wasn’t all right, and she was sorry. Sorry that they could never go back to where they had been — to what they had been — before her lost innocence. She mourned her loss, understanding fully what Alain had lost and knowing that innocence, like trust, once lost is irretrievable.
Fraser slipped off again into unconsciousness and Jenny leaned back in her chair and rested for a few minutes, slipping lightly in and out of sleep as she would when they had a new child in the house, as she did every night for three months when Luke had first come to them. The next time she opened her eyes Fraser was watching her.
‘Forgive me,’ he said. It sounded like a question.
‘I’m trying.’ It was easier, somehow, to make the effort after what she had been through last night. In the context of what had happened to her — to both of them — it didn’t seem an unreasonable request.
She saw Fraser’s look of gratitude and it grieved her.
‘What will you do?’ he asked, and Jenny glanced sharply at him, wondering if he had heard her answer to the same question that Max had posed earlier.
‘Take it a step at a time.’ She shrugged. ‘It’s all I can do.’
He nodded and she felt again a stab of regret at the humility of his acceptance. She wanted him to shout, to throw some of the blame back at her, but he took it meekly. Too meekly.
‘What happened to you?’ He pointed to her neck.
‘Nothing,’ she said. ‘An accident. I’ll tell you when you’re more up to it.’ To change the subject, she said something she hadn’t intended to, simply because it was uppermost in her mind.
‘Luke’s miserable with his adoptive parents.’
She didn’t have to try and gauge his response: the systolic trace on his heart monitor increased and his face flushed slightly.
‘We’ve spoilt him for anyone else, you know.’
Fraser frowned, nodding. He turned his head away, and a tear slipped from beneath his closed eyelids.
‘Maybe I should have a word with Max,’ she suggested.
‘About fostering him. Yes.’
‘Max wouldn’t countenance that: it would only unsettle him more, coming back to us, only to be uprooted again in a couple of months.’
‘Oh,’ he said. ‘Of course, you’re right.’
‘I was thinking — maybe we should make it a permanent placement.’ She tried to sound casual, but her voice was uneven, as she said it.
‘Adoption?’
‘That sort of thing.’
‘What the hell is going on?’ The ward manager had hurried into the room, expecting to see Jenny, whom she knew to be a nurse, administering CPR: Fraser’s heart monitor had triggered an alarm in her office.
‘Some good news,’ Fraser said.
‘Well you’d better calm down or I’ll have to sedate you,’ she said, then, turning to Jenny, ‘You should have more sense.’
‘I know,’ Jenny said. ‘I really should.’ She glanced at Fraser and he smiled.
* * *
Perhaps it would be all right again, Fraser thought — not now — the present was too achingly raw, too painful to dwell upon, but at some time in the future. The present held practical concerns: his recovery, and the acceptance that his son would be happier living with a man who was not his natural father. Was it so different from his relationship with Luke? Perhaps not, but it would be difficult to let Connor go. The future, with its fuzzy edges, the misty promise of a mirage, held hope, and hope, it seemed, was more resilient than trust.
THE END
ALSO BY MARGARET MURPHY
CLARA PASCAL SERIES
Book 1: DARKNESS FALLS
Book 2: WEAVING SHADOWS
DETECTIVE JEFF RICKMAN SERIES
Book 1: SEE HER BURN
Book 2: SEE HER DIE
Book 3: DON’T SCREAM
ROWAN & PALMER
Book 1: BEFORE HE KILLS AGAIN
STANDALONE
DEAR MUM
HER HUSBAND’S KILLER
THE LOST BOY
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GLOSSARY OF ENGLISH SLANG FOR US READERS
A & E: accident and emergency department in a hospital
Aggro: violent behaviour, aggression
Air raid: an attack in which bombs are dropped from aircraft on ground targets
Allotment: a plot of land rented by an individual for growing fruit, vegetable or flowers
Anorak: nerd (it also means a waterproof jacket)
Artex: textured plaster finish for walls and ceilings
A level: exams taken between 16 and 18
Auld Reekie: Edinburgh
Au pair: live-in childcare helper. Often a young woman.
Barm: bread roll
Barney: argument
Beaker: glass or cup for holding liquids
Beemer: BMW car or motorcycle
Benefits: social security
Bent: corrupt
Bin: wastebasket (noun), or throw in rubbish (verb)
Biscuit: cookie
Blackpool Lights: gaudy illuminations in seaside town
Bloke: guy
Blow: cocaine
Blower: telephone
Blues and twos: emergency vehicles
Bob: money
Bobby: policeman
Broadsheet: quality newspaper (New York Times would be a US example)
Brown bread: rhyming slang for dead
Bun: small cake
Bunk: do a bunk means escape
Burger bar: hamburger fast-food restaurant
Buy-to-let: buying a house/apartment to rent it out for profit
Charity shop: thrift store
Carrier bag: plastic bag from supermarket
Care home: an institution where old people are cared for
Car park: parking lot
CBeebies: kids TV
Chat-up: flirt, trying to pick up someone with witty banter or compliments
Chemist: pharmacy
Chinwag: conversation
Chippie: fast-food place selling chips and other fried food
Chips: French fries but thicker
CID: Criminal Investigation Department
Civvy Street: civilian life (as opposed to army)
Clock: punch
Cock-up: mess up, make a mistake
Cockney: a native of East London
Common: an area of park land/ or lower class
Comprehensive school (Comp.): high school
Cop hold of: grab
Copper: police officer
Coverall: coveralls, or boiler suit
CPS: Crown Prosecution Service, decides whether police cases go forward
Childminder: someone who looks after children for money
Council: local government
Dan Dare: hero from Eagle comic
DC: detective constable
Deck: one of the landings on a floor of a tower block
Deck: hit (verb)
Desperate Dan: very strong comic-book character
DI: detective inspector
Digestive biscuit: plain cookie
Digs: student lodgings
Do a runner: disappear
Do one: go away
Doc Martens: heavy boots with an air-cushioned sole
Donkey’s years: long time
Drum: house
DS: detective sergeant
ED: emergency department of a hospital
Eagle: boys’ comic
Early dart: to leave work early
Eggy soldiers: strips of toast with a boiled egg
Enforcer: police battering ram
Estate: public/social housing estate (similar to housing projects)
Estate agent: realtor (US)
Falklands War: war between Britain and Argentina in 1982
Fag: cigarette
Father Christmas: Santa Claus
Filth: police (insulting)
Forces: army, navy and air force
FMO: force medical officer
Fried slice: fried bread
Fuzz: police
Garda: Irish police
Gendarmerie: French national police force
Geordie: from Newcastle
Garden centre: a business where plants and gardening equipment are sold
Gob: mouth, can also mean phlegm or spit
GP
: general practitioner, a doctor based in the community
Graft: hard work
Gran: grandmother
Hancock: Tony Hancock, English comedian popular in 1950s
Hard nut: tough person
HGV: heavy goods vehicle, truck
HOLMES: UK police computer system used during investigations of major incidents
Home: care home for elderly or sick people
Hoover: vacuum cleaner
I’ll be blowed: expression of surprise
Inne: isn’t he
Interpol: international police organization
Into care: a child taken away from their family by the social services
Iron Lady: Margaret Thatcher, applied to any strong woman
ITU: intensive therapy unit in hospital
Jane Doe: a person whose identity is unknown/anonymous
JCB: a mechanical excavator
Jerry-built: badly made
Jungle: nickname given to migrant camp near Calais
Lad: young man
Lass: young woman
Lift: elevator
Lord Lucan: famous aristocrat who allegedly killed his children’s nanny and disappeared in 1974. Has never been found.
Lorry: truck
Lovely jubbly: said when someone is pleased
Luftwaffe: German air force
M&S: Marks and Spencer, a food and clothes shop
Miss Marple: detective in a series of books by Agatha Christie
MOD: Ministry of Defence
Mobile phone: cell phone
MP: Member of Parliament, politician representing an area
MRSA: A strain of antibiotic-resistant bacteria
Myra Hindley: famous British serial killer
Naff: lame, not good
Naff all: none
National Service: compulsory UK military service, ended in 60s
THE LOST BOY an unputdownable psychological thriller full of breathtaking twists Page 30