by James Gault
Teaching Tania
(The case of the cat crimewave )
by
James Gault
Copyright 2008 James Gault
ENGLISH LESSONS AVAILABLE
Outstanding teacher of English has a vacancy to teach one, and only one, enthusiastic and capable student. Individual lessons twice a week.
Due to my complete and hectic schedule, I am only able to teach a limited number of students. Therefore I am only interested in dedicated hard-working people with a real desire to learn the language.
In the first instance, write to me by e-mail at
[email protected]
telling me why you want to improve your English and what you expect from your teacher. I will select the best candidate on the basis of your letters.
Chapter 1 Giving advice
Dear Tania,
Thank you for your letter. There were very few grammar mistakes, and your spelling was excellent too. I will be very pleased to be your English teacher. And your advice about how to be a good teacher was appreciated. Just one small thing, though, I’m not sure I agree with what you said about chocolates, particularly in your case.
For the moment, chocolates are OK, because your are still in the process of growing upwards. But this will come to an end soon, and you will be as tall as you’re ever going to be. Then, if you continue to ingest copious quantities of chocolates, what will your body do with them? Probably, you will start to grow outwards, and become extremely fat. This indeed is the best result you could hope for. Sometimes, a surfeit of chocolate causes an adolescent’s skin to break out in unsightly pimples. At worst, both of these horrors could be visited upon you at the same time, and then you will have no chance whatsoever of being chosen as Cinderella in the school pantomime. In fact, thanks to the demon chocolate, you will have all the physical attributes necessary for the role of an ugly sister. So I don’t really hold with your idea that the teacher should reward you with a couple of chocolates every time you get something right. And I assure you that I don’t just say this because I am Scottish, or because I love chocolates and want to keep them all to myself.
But, apart from this, you can be sure I will take your excellent advice to heart, and, in return, may I give you some advice about how to be a good student?
I saw from your letter that you already know the most important thing you need to do to be an excellent pupil. You were kind enough to tell me that I was a good teacher. You are, of course, perfectly right, and I commend you on your excellent powers of observations and your impeccable judgement.
It is important to tell a good teacher that he is good. It is even more important to tell a bad teacher he is good.
Every pupil compliments a good teacher, and if you forget to do it you will be noticed in a very negative manner, and the teacher will be predisposed to lower your grades by one or two points. So flattery directed at a competent teacher is essentially a defensive tactic. But, on the other hand, if you tell a bad teacher that he is good, you will almost certainly be the only one to do so. You will immediately become that teacher’s favourite, with all the benefits which accrue to the position of the teacher’s pet – better marks, invitations on trips, selection for the school prize giving etc. It is an opportunity not to be missed.
Next, I come to the delicate question of homework, which of course you must always do. But there will be, inevitably, some occasions on which, through no fault of your own, you will inadvertently not have done your homework. You may, for example, have inexplicably forgotten about it. Such a thing, of course, must never happen with the homework I give you. But, for other teachers, it is a possibility, and indeed, over a long school career, practically unavoidable. So what should you do in such a case?
First of all, on your journey to school, you must dedicate your mind to finding the most convoluted and improbable explanation for not having the homework.
“As I came out of the house with my homework in my hand, a passing bird descended, grabbed it in his beak, and flew off with it. I took a taxi, at great personal expense, and we followed it to Wenceslas Square. There the bird let go of my homework and it started to float slowly down to the ground. Unfortunately, there was a delay while I paid the taxi driver a not inconsiderable sum of money, and from my own pocket too. I then started to cross the square, watching my homework descending towards a young man sitting on a bench. Suddenly this young man took a packet of cigarettes from his pocket, put one in his mouth, and then proceeded to illuminate a small cigarette lighter with his free hand. I was shocked, and not only because, as you know, I abhor smoking. My precious paper was descending towards the naked flame, and, you’ve guessed it, I arrived in front of the bench just in time to see my homework going up in smoke. But, of course, I’ll do it over again and give it to you tomorrow.”
This story will produce one of two responses. Your teacher may say, probably in a rather disgruntled sort of way,
“ OK then. But don’t you dare forget it tomorrow!”
This is a perfectly satisfactory outcome for you. But some teachers are of a more suspicious or tenacious nature, and may respond by saying,
“You really don’t expect me to believe such a load of nonsense, do you.”
With such a pedagogical giant there is only one way to proceed. You must be firm, resolute and even arrogant, and say, without allowing your voice to waver,
“Do you honestly believe, sir (or miss) that I could have made up such a story if it wasn’t true.”
(You will note that you have not actually lied in this statement). Faced with such a demonstration of conviction, the teacher will wilt, and will reply weakly,
“Oh well then, do it again for tomorrow”.
Finally, let me give you some counsel on the teacher-pupil relationship. You should, of course, attempt to be friendly with your teacher, but don’t overdo it. Do not, for instance, be tempted to share your innermost personal secrets and problems with your teacher. Logic may tell you that your teacher was once a child too, and therefore can help you with your problems. Such an idea is grossly inaccurate. Let me explain why.
You are about to enter that wonderful and disturbing phase of your life known as adolescence, the period of transition from childhood to adulthood. I’m sorry that I have to tell you that this will be a painful and upsetting experience. You will, for example, become totally convinced that you are the most ugly girl in the whole world, and that no one (i.e. no spotty teenage boy) could ever love you. I can tell you now that such ugliness will be based entirely on your imagination, but it will do no good whatsoever. Of course, you believe me now, but when the doubts set in, as they inevitably will, nothing anyone says will convince you of the truth.
This phenomenon is known as “the hormones” and there are other much worse manifestations of it. About every six months, you will look back on your behaviour and become extremely embarrassed and disturbed, to such an extent that you will immediately resolve to forget everything you have done, written, read or thought in the previous six months. Only by starting completely from scratch will you be able to continue your existence. And this process of forgetting and restarting will be repeated at regular intervals until you eventually reach maturity, sometime between the ages of eighteen and fifty-two. This is why there is no point in sharing your teenage angst with your teacher, because an adult has no recollection whatsoever of his (or her) adolescence, except for the lyrics of a few incredibly banal pop songs. So your teacher may indeed once have been a teena
ger, but has absolutely no memory of being in such a sorry state.
Apart from the fact that the teacher cannot use his own experience to help you with your problems, there is another reason why you should never bring them up in conversation with him (or her). To do so is extremely dangerous for your teacher’s health. Only by forgetting completely the traumas of adolescence can an adult manage to live a more or less reasonable and tranquil existence in later life. Asking advice about your problems will force your teacher to recall the nightmares of his (or her) own youth. The result will be uncontrolled shaking, loud wails of woe, and eventual transportation to an institute for the mentally inadequate.
Of course, if you have a particular teacher whom you would really like to see in
mental institution, you now know what to do.
I am really looking forward to our first lesson next Monday.
Best wishes,
Your teacher
J
Chapter 2. Expressing hopes and wishes
Dear Tania,
Thank you for sending me your homework. There were very few grammar mistakes, and your spelling was excellent too. Unfortunately, I think that you perhaps misunderstood the instructions just a little.
What you were actually supposed to do was write five things that you would really like to happen to you – you know, your five wishes. I was therefore slightly surprised to read the following
'I wish I had a cat'
'I’d love to have a cat.'
'If only I had a cat.'
'My dearest wish in the whole world is to have a cat.'
'I have an insatiable desire to have a cat.'
Now, don’t get me wrong. What you wrote was very, very impressive. You demonstrated that you know many different ways of expressing the same idea in the English language. And I really did like ‘insatiable desire’ rather a lot. In fact, overall I just have to congratulate on your excellent vocabulary and thorough knowledge of grammatical constructions.
Only, and I hope you will forgive me for saying this, your answer doesn’t seem to be quite right. What you wrote seems to me, you know, not so much five wishes as one wish five times. Do you understand what I’m saying? The thing is, I was really surprised that you could make such a mistake. You usually have such a good understanding of what is said to you in English. Your mistake is so strange that I find I am asking myself if perhaps you have a hidden message to send me. Are you, for example, by any chance, particularly fond of cats?
If you are, I have to confess that I share, to some extent, your enthusiasm for our furry feline friends. Although cats are probably not any more intelligent than their canine counterparts, they are so adept at giving us the impression that they are. You have to admire the way they walk past you, nose proudly in the air, with the grave expression of a great philosopher on their furry faces. Their minds might be as empty as a milk bottle after a cat breakfast, but would we ever guess? I admit to having a soft spot for the world’s great confidence tricksters, and in that field cats (and of course politicians) can show us a thing or two. (By the way, I don’t admire politicians half as much as I admire cats.)
On the subject of cats, may I tell you the story of the cat who wished he was a dog? It will serve as a little diversion and, you never know, you may pick up a few new words of vocabulary and the odd innovative grammar construction as you read.
Once upon a time, a wise old cat was lying sleeping lazily one afternoon. He had just eaten rather well on a chicken which his family had rather carelessly left lying around the kitchen, and he had nothing better to do than to doze on the kitchen floor and wait patiently for the entertainment which would surely follow when his human owners found that their dinner had mysteriously disappeared. Suddenly, for no good reason other than the plot of the story requires it, a fairy godmother appeared before him.
“Mr Cat,” she said.
The cat’s name was Toby, and, being magic, the fairy godmother knew this. But she was a well brought up fairy, and, not having been introduced to the cat, she did not want to offend him by presuming to be on first name terms. In addition, she was an English fairy godmother. Had she been an American fairy godmother, she would probably have said,
“Hi Toby, buddy, put it there!”
and you can imagine the disdain that this would have brought to the cat’s face. But it is a sad fact that Americans lack the tact that British and most other people are born with, and always manage to say the wrong thing at the wrong time. But don’t feel too sorry for the Americans. They are the richest people in the world, so is only right and fair that they have a few small disadvantages in other areas. But I’m afraid that the thought of Americans has distracted me from my tale, so let us go back to it.
“Mr Cat”, said the fairy godmother, “I am a fairy godmother and I have come to offer you two wishes.”
The cat’s first reaction was, quite frankly, one of disappointment. He hadn’t asked the fairy godmother to come, but here she was, and only offering him two wishes. Toby was well read, he had explored fully the fairy tale section in his local library, and he knew perfectly well that the norm for a fairy godmother is three wishes. Toby also knew that fairy godmothers didn’t come along often, perhaps only once in a lifetime, and here was his probably one and only fairy godmother and she wanted to short change him. He was a little bit angry, but far too cunning to give the fairy godmother any sign of his anger, in case she would withdraw one or even both of the wishes she had offered. Nevertheless, he couldn’t just let the matter rest.
“Excuse me”, he replied, “but I’m a little hard of hearing. Did you say two wishes?”
“Oh dear”, said the fairy godmother, “you too. Everyone seems to expect three wishes in spite of the recession.”
(A recession, Tania, is an economic term. Whenever we have a recession, everyone gets less of what they had before, and politicians say it is the fault of businessmen, while businessmen say it is the fault of politicians. It is caused by businessmen deciding to make less of everything, not for any good reasons, but simply because politicians have told them that there is a recession. This is the science of economics, and you mustn’t worry if you don’t understand it, because no one else understands it either, particularly businessmen (who understand most things) and politicians (who understand almost nothing)).
Toby the cat understood recessions no better than anyone else, but being a cat, he managed to hide his ignorance very well, and asked the fairy godmother cautiously,
“Would it be all right if I have one wish now, and have my second wish when I see how the first one goes?”
It is exactly this kind of careful forward thinking which distinguishes cats from other less intelligent animals, including humans.
“Of course”, the fairy godmother answered, “ and what is your first wish?”
“I wish”, said the cat, pausing to add a touch of tension to the situation, “I wish I were a dog.”
(You will notice here the unusual use of ‘were’ and not ‘was’ in the first person singular. This is perfectly correct for wishes and shows that Toby was an English and not an American cat. An American cat would have said “I wish I was a dog” which is, of course, wrong, but what do you expect from people (or cats) who are too busy being rich to learn to speak their own language properly? When I teach students less talented than yourself, I always encourage them to cultivate an American drawl. You can hide a multitude of grammatical mistakes behind an American accent.)
“Do you really want to be a dog?” the fairy godmother asked him. She was very surprised, because, like you and me, she was convinced that cats are superior to dogs in every way. But we English have a saying about the grass being greener on the other side of the hill, and I suppose that Toby, seduced by the deep bark and the greater size of the dogs he knew, imagined that life as a dog would somehow be better. It is like some British p
eople who have an inexplicable desire to live in America, but perhaps I have already said too much about Americans, at least for the moment.
So in spite of her misgivings, the fairy godmother turned Toby into a dog, simply because it was her duty, and, unfortunately, in life duty obliges us to do unpleasant things we would rather avoid. And, predictably, things turned out badly for Toby. He found himself in rather a well-off family, in which the parents and children were nice enough, but there was a wicked old butler who hated dogs and who abused Toby at every opportunity. Fortunately, Toby did not have to put up with this ill treatment for too long, because he called the fairy godmother on her mobile phone and availed himself of his remaining wish to go back to his previous satisfactory and rather comfortable life.
Every fairy tale has a moral, but, as you would expect from someone who believes in maximising the instructional value of children’s literature, my fairy tale has two. The first is that it is, of course, important to value what you have and not go running after impossible dreams. And secondly, never underestimate the value of keeping your options open.
So I’ll see you at our next lesson. On Tuesday, or, if not, Wednesday.
I’m looking forward to your next piece of homework
Best wishes,
Your teacher
J
Chapter 3. Conditional sentences
Dear Tania,
Thank you for sending me your homework. . There were very few grammar mistakes, and your spelling was excellent too. But, if you don’t mind, I will take the opportunity to make a few mildly critical comments on the content.
I know that the homework was a grammar exercise rather than creative writing, but I would have thought that you could have shown a little bit more variety and imagination in the examples you gave. For example,