by Cee, DW
“Please take care of her for me,” he added. “And please,” he whispered to me, “don’t fall back into your ex’s arms after I leave.” We both laughed.
“Sure will,” Peter obliged.
As soon as Jake left, Peter turned to me. “Jake seems like a good guy. I’m relieved to know you’re dating someone who loves you.”
It never occurred to me Jake might feel that strongly about me. I knew I couldn’t say I loved him yet. After all, we hadn’t been dating too long and this was the first time I’d opened my heart in a long time.
“You seem to have a way of wrapping men tightly around your finger,” Peter noted.
“Yeah, some good that does me in the end,” I retorted. I heard a low chuckle coming from everyone at our table except Max and Jennifer.
Dinner was truly uncomfortable. We sat in a round of ten—Peter, me, an empty seat, Sarah, Charlie, James, Will, Christie, Max, and Jennifer. Dinner was served. The roasted tomato soup went untouched. A cold, crisp beet and apple salad, nibbled. Filet mignon, new potatoes, and sautéed veggies, a waste of money, as I only finished the vegetables before having Peter finish the rest of my plate. I consumed some dessert and coffee, along with two glasses of wine. It was no wonder my system wasn’t feeling well.
After dinner, everyone started to mingle and dance again. Jennifer excused herself to use the restroom while the rest of our table, except Max, went to dance. Dreading the alone time, I got up to go anywhere and do anything but talk to Max.
“How come you barely touched your dinner, Em?” Max pulled me back down with a caring yet guarded voice.
“I wasn’t very hungry,” I answered softly.
“You’ve lost so much weight. Are you OK? Have you been ill? You still look…beautiful.” His voice sounded wistful.
With an intense glare I saw Max read my face. It was hard to hide anything from a man who had known me intimately for four years. No, I am not OK. You left me eighteen months ago without good reason and now I’m sitting here watching you with another woman. How can I be OK?
My eyes teared as I saw the sadness in his eyes and I chose to turn away from our silent conversation. Muted, awkward distress, surprisingly couldn’t suppress the friendship, fondness, and love that had lived between us for so many years. Even now, my heart felt glad to be here with him. My mind continued to dissect my heart. I couldn’t free my mind of the way it felt to be held by Max while we danced. His touch brought back so many wonderful memories. There was a part of me that wanted to be held by him again.
Still, I was angry with Max for kicking me out of his life so unexpectedly. How could a man who dumped me after four years of dating, sit here and feign to care for me? He didn’t care anymore, and neither should I. I had Jake, and deep inside, I knew we would make this relationship work.
Chapter 2 The College Years
Hot and humid weather greeted my move into my college dorm. Florida, in the middle of August, had to have been more pleasant than this day. It was never this hot in Los Angeles, especially so close to the ocean. With ten stories and 381 rooms, I lived in one of the oldest dormitories on campus. It even required an old-fashioned key card to open up the heavy doors into this secured building. The usual meeting area and common rooms were all located on the first floor, and the dining hall looked like any other well-stocked cafeteria. It was a glorious first year in college.
My room was all of two hundred square feet. In it were three beds, three desks, three chairs, and three small closets. I couldn’t figure out how I was going to get all my clothes in this locker of a closet. Arriving in the dorm room before any of my roommates, I picked the only bed that was the bottom bunk. There was another bed above me and directly across my way, the third bed was perched up high with a desk, chair, and locker-sized closet all neatly positioned underneath it. That was my entire room. Needless to say, there wouldn’t be much privacy during my first year.
Max and I met in the cafeteria on the first day of school. Catching him smiling at me from a table nearby, I was quickly smitten. He and his roommates came over to our table and introduced themselves to us. We all took turns at small talk and then paired off to go explore the campus. From day one, our chemistry was undeniable. Max and I were naturally drawn to each other like the south pole of a magnet attracting the north pole. We marveled at how much we had in common and how we felt such a strong connection from the moment we met.
As the days passed us by, our connection only got stronger. We spent every waking moment together when we weren’t in class. Picnics on the grass, study sessions in the library—if we could have, we would have stayed up every night catching up on the eighteen years we had missed out on in each other’s lives. It was a strange bond that couldn’t be denied.
Our physical bond was equally as strong. The urge to touch and explore scared me. Such a strong desire went against the core of my belief. I wanted to stay “pure” till I got married. Max, of course, had other ideas and thought I was crazy. We argued and fought constantly. Being the tearful one in the relationship. I hurt easily and cried readily. Max accused me of being way too sensitive. He was right, of course—though he’d never get an admission from these lips.
Maybe it was our age. Maybe it was because this was the first real relationship for both of us. Whatever the reason, we just couldn’t hide our emotions from one another. Every disagreement set us off for days. We’d quarrel, not speak, then go right back to our relationship as if nothing happened. I didn’t know if we had ever resolved any issues. In many ways, it didn’t matter, because we just wanted to be together.
Our typical date started with a casual meal and then a movie. Some days we’d ride our bikes and picnic on the beach. Many times we cooked dinner together at Max’s apartment and studied. On occasion, we’d go watch a musical or go out for a nice dinner. Neither of us had much money so we couldn’t do anything extravagant. This didn’t bother us as long as we were together.
On winter breaks, our usual group of friends would go skiing. We’d rent a cabin, with all twelve of us cramming into whatever sized cabin we got. The girls took care of the food for the week while the guys were in charge of evening entertainment. We’d get up early, have breakfast, ski all day, come back for dinner then play crazy games till the wee hours of the night. Those were some of the best days of my life.
Sarah and I considered ourselves best friends since the day we met. A tall and pretty brunette, her endearing personality helped me through my most difficult days, post breakup. We met as freshmen in college, assigned to the same study group in calculus, and we struggled. Limits…derivatives…integrals…none of it made sense. Every chance we got, we went to each other’s dorm rooms and studied math. Failing out of school our first quarter wasn’t an option. We had to make it work.
Charlie Abner, Sarah’s boyfriend since high school, was better than your average guy. He stood slightly taller than Sarah at six feet tall and boasted a booming personality. High school sweethearts, they met when they were sixteen and loved each other more with each passing year. Charlie was probably waiting for the perfect moment to propose, though he wouldn’t dare tell me when. He knew all too well I couldn’t keep a secret from his love and my best friend.
Our gang of friends, Peter, Will, James, Charlie, and Max, roomed together all through their college years. They lived in the same disgusting apartment since sophomore year and in all that time, they’d never cleaned their apartment. The most memorable year starred a two-week-old, half-eaten birthday cake, ants, maggots, cockroaches, and an extermination crew. This event evicted an entire apartment building for two days. It was a wonder they didn’t get permanently evicted. Indelible memories were made not only for me and Max, but for all of us as friends and as an extended family.
Very different from Sarah and Charlie’s relationship, Max and I survived day by day. Max’s awkward expression of love made me question how much he cared. It resembled a dark cloud hovering in the horizon with t
he sun’s attempt at an appearance when all forces in the universe aligned properly. Though I knew he cared and often enough he told me he loved me, I still hated the uncertainty. I wanted more expression! Less ambiguity! An unequivocal exclamation of his love for me! Perhaps in the end, it was my fault for feeling so insecure about us.
As complaints went, Max wasn’t a romantic either. My ideal man was one who would surprise me with love notes and flowers. I didn’t need anything elaborate or fancy. A simple flower or a cute plant would have sufficed, but none of that ever happened. I was always the one surprising him with notes, or I’d have dinner waiting for him at his apartment when classes ended late.
One year, I surprised Max with daily gifts for a week leading up to Valentine’s Day. One of the days, I froze water in a heart-shaped pan with a laminated note inside. After the ice had melted, the note read, “Now that you’ve melted my heart, will you be my Valentine?” Pretty clever, I thought. Another day, I wrote a love poem on a large poster board with candy bars as key words in the poem. As an ego booster, it started with a Big Hunk bar. Not to sound unappreciative, but all I got in return was a teddy bear wrapped inside a balloon. It was a nice gift, but so typical—not much thought put into it.
Maybe I expected too much out of our relationship. We were barely out of our teenage years, and I knew Max wasn’t the type to fuss about anything. His laissez-faire attitude was what attracted me to him in the first place. But I always felt like I was the one who coerced us into this relationship. He definitely didn’t return the love I showered—or so I thought.
Sarah and Charlie’s undying love for one another never helped our situation. They rarely fought. Charlie never left my best friend questioning who loved who more. They operated as one mind and finished each other’s thoughts. There was no doubt that they would get married and live happily together, forever. I never had that assurance with Max. In the end, I got what I expected.
Chapter 3 Closure
“Let’s continue this party. We can’t separate just because the ball is over,” Peter announced.
Everyone loved the idea since many of us hadn’t seen each other in years. I tried to bow out with the excuse that I had a 7:00 a.m. date, but my friends wouldn’t have it. I hesitantly agreed to meet them at a bar. Searching, Peter’s absence was beyond noticeable. In fact, everyone had left except for Max, even Jennifer.
Peter had purposely left me alone with Max so we would ride together to the bar. Jake was wrong to trust him with my well-being. Against all odds—a current girlfriend, an eighteen-month absence, and me dating Jake—Peter seemed to believe that we could still get back together. My head shook thinking about this ridiculous idea.
“Get in,” Max told me as the valet brought the car around.
“Where’s Jennifer?”
“She left a little while ago. She’s working a night shift at the hospital tonight.”
“Oh, that’s right. She’s a nurse. You seem to like girls with homey professions.” We both chuckled as I finished this thought.
I led Max toward my house, which was a few miles away from the hotel.
“Can we stop by my house so I can change? I don’t want to be in this dress the whole night. Also it’s a bit cold.”
“Sure,” he answered, taking off his jacket. “Here, take this for now.”
It felt good to be in his jacket, but the warmth of his scent evoked memories I wasn’t ready to face. We got to my house within minutes, and I could tell by Max’s face, he wondered where we were.
“Do you live here, Em?” He studied the living room while following me toward the bedroom.
“Uh-huh. This is my house.”
Max spun his head around and looked shocked.
“When did this happen? You’re not living with Sarah anymore?”
“Has Charlie not told you anything about me the last year and a half? I bought this house in June. I finally left Sarah’s lair.”
I gave Max a change of clothes and showed him the guest bathroom while I went into my room to change into a pair of jeans and a comfy sweater. Max had another bewildered look, as he had just changed into a tailor-made outfit. It looked nice on him.
“Are these Jake’s clothes?” He had a hard time spitting out those four words. I saw what Max was envisioning. Finding this situation highly humorous, I contemplated letting his imagination aggravate him but thought it would be better to clear the air.
“I bought these to give to you before we broke up. I didn’t have the receipt to return them and felt silly about giving them to someone else, so they’ve been sitting in my closet for a while,” I confessed.
“Oh…” He sounded relieved as he thanked me for the clothes. “Can you give me a hanger for my tux?”
I reached into my closet for a hanger but noticed something had fallen out of Max’s pocket and onto the floor. A small blue felt pouch—something that looked like it belonged in a Tiffany’s box with a ring or some small jewelry in it—screamed for me to pick it up. Before my hand got anywhere near the mysterious item, Max swooped in and shoved it back into his pocket. His abruptness startled both of us. What was in this pouch that had made him so jumpy?
Pain and guilt riddled his face, though I couldn’t understand why. Before I broached the subject, he interrupted my thought. “Hey, Em? You want to go get something to eat instead of going out for drinks? You didn’t eat much tonight.”
The growl in my stomach gave me away. “I am hungry. Where shall we go?”
“How about a bowl of noodles? You’ve always had a weakness for something soupy at a late hour. What time is it? Is the ramen house still open?” he asked.
“I think it’s about 11:00p.m., they should still be open.” A bowl of noodles sounded delicious right now, especially on an empty stomach. “Great idea. You mind driving? I’m a bit tired.”
Before we got into Max’s car, he texted Peter our situation, my number, and my home address. He told him if we didn’t make it to the bar, they’d meet back at my place and go home together. In the twenty-minute car ride, neither of us uttered a sound. Instead, I looked out the window, wondering what we would talk about during our meal if we couldn’t stand a twenty-minute ride together. Max looked over at me, stared briefly and sighed quietly. He was probably regretting the predicament we found ourselves in.
Luckily there was a parking spot right in front of the restaurant, and we sat down immediately at the noodle bar. The server came and welcomed us. “Hey, long time no see! You two haven’t been here in a while.”
“Great…,”I thought. If this weren’t awkward enough, the server recognized that this used to be our late-night food joint back in college. This night wasn’t getting any easier. She didn’t need to ask us what we wanted. She automatically put in an order for two bowls of ramen and an order of gyoza, along with iced green tea and Sapporo on tap. We both started to laugh, realizing we were so predictable. The server helped lighten the mood and we started feeling comfortable with one another again.
“So, what have you been doing the last year and a half?” Max asked with genuine curiosity.
“Well, let’s see. After we separated in June, Sarah and I went to Europe for about a month.” I quickly wiped away a tear that trickled down my cheek as I talked about last June. Max seemed oblivious to my pain, but my flushed cheeks signaled my weakness. Regardless, I continued my story. “We started in New York for a few days, then went to Rome, Florence, and Paris. After Paris, we biked through the South of France, and then we sailed to Greece. Sarah and I fell in love with the oceans of Greece, so we stayed there the last week of our trip. Charlie actually met us in Greece. We all had a blast together for a few days, and then I separated from them.”
“What did you do when Charlie came? You must have been lonely.” His face turned somber. I briefly imagined how fantastic it would have been if Charlie and Max had met us in Greece. The four of us—like it used to be.
“I actually did a lot
of sightseeing by myself and gallivanted from island to island. It wasn’t too bad. Sarah really needed Charlie there. They’d never been apart for that long. After summer, I returned to school and got to teach fourth grade instead of first, as originally planned. It was challenging coming up with new curriculum at the last minute, but it was a fantastic year. I didn’t realize I would enjoy fourth graders so much. They start developing a personality and a sense of humor at that age. But at the same time, they’re still innocent and sweet. Life hasn’t jaded them yet.”
“How did the house happen?” Max sounded impressed that I was on my own and doing so well.
“I randomly found my house while driving around the neighborhood. Between my earnings in college, my pitiful salary, and selling my grandparents’ condo, I scrounged up enough money to put in an offer. Luckily, the sellers accepted, and I moved in all summer. It took a little while getting used to living alone, but I have to say I’m enjoying it now.”
“It’s a great house. I’m really happy for you.” Max sweetly smiled. I felt my heart melt, as it always did when he smiled.
Max reproachfully asked about Jake. This shouldn’t have been a surprise—but it was still disconcerting to hear Jake’s name coming from Max’s lips.
“How long have you and Jake been together? I didn’t realize you were seeing someone.”
“Did you never ask Charlie or Sarah anything about me since our breakup? I can’t believe how indifferent you were to my well-being. I kept tabs on you from time to time.” My lips surprisingly formed a slight pout. With a new girlfriend, there really was no need to ask about the old one.
“We just started dating a couple of months ago. I met him at the grocery store and we’ve been seeing each other ever since. He’s so busy at the hospital that we only see each other maybe once a week. We try to talk on the phone and text, but for the most part, I barely see him. It will be a real treat to have him all to myself tomorrow.” This last statement produced a big smile on my face. Tomorrow would hopefully deepen our relationship and give us more stability. We had had too many misunderstandings on where we stood as a couple, assuming we were a couple. This trip would answer all the questions hovering over us.