by Cee, DW
“I apologized to him for coming between you two, and he asked me a lot of questions about you. Since you gave me no way of responding to your letters, I told him I knew no more than he did. He looked distraught.”
I wondered to myself why he would be distraught. Why would he ask any questions about me? I couldn’t give way to hope.
“I hope you don’t mind, but I told him you would be here today. He really wanted to come see you. He said that he had to talk to you. He’s going to stop by after work.” This part of our conversation made me feel distraught.
My heart convulsed and my eyes flushed at the thought of seeing Jake. Hope wanted to resurface, but I had shut the door and thrown away the keys so long ago, it didn’t know its way out anymore.
“Are you upset I told Jake you’re here?” Max looked hesitant.
“No. It’s all right.” I put on a brave guise. “He won’t care that I’m here. If he cared, he would’ve done something about it before I left.”
“Em, I think he does care. I think there was a big misunderstanding between you two. He still…”
“Max. Please don’t. It took me five very long months to accept that we are through. He doesn’t care for me anymore.” I didn’t dare say the word love. “I erased those thoughts a long time ago. Don’t say any more. Let’s be happy. We’re at a wedding.” I forced a smile and walked over to help Sarah cut the cake.
Stupidly, but automatically, my eyes looked for Jake. They searched through every guest and scanned each door over and over again, hoping what Max just revealed would come true. The pessimist in me knew Jake wouldn’t come looking for me. Not now, not after so many months had passed by. But the optimist in me prayed he would come see me—just once more.
Sarah changed into her going-away outfit, and the last of the dancers lined up to throw rice at the happy bride and groom leaving for their honeymoon.
Before Sarah left, she whispered, “I’m sorry you didn’t get a chance to see Jake today. I was hoping Max was right about him.”
I forced another smile and wished her a wonderful trip. The happy couple cheerfully left for Hawaii, but my own exit would not be so cheerful now.
“You’re leaving already?” Max asked as I walked over to say good-bye. “But Jake’s not here yet.”
“My flight leaves at nine. I have to go,” I answered sadly. Max had no idea the damage he had done by reviving my hope. “Now that you have all my contact info, don’t be a stranger. I hope you can visit me one day,” I said while hugging him.
“Emily…” Max held onto my hand, “just stay another hour. Have another drink with me, or better yet, eat another meal. Don’t they feed you in Japan? Why are you so waif thin?”
“I’m late!” Answering as sternly as possible, I pulled my hand away and waved good-bye.
With longing renewed, I walked through the hotel with my peripheral vision scanning every man fitting Jake’s build. Till the very end, I didn’t give up hope that Jake would want to come see me tonight. What a fool I was. Even walking on to the airplane, I continued to listen for his tender voice to call my name, like he did back in November when I was leaving for New York. Ugh! Four months of heart mending in Japan obliterated in a matter of a few hours of hope.
Chapter 16 He Loves Me?
I got back Sunday night, and struggled to get my heart back into school the next day. With school letting out in two weeks, we all enjoyed a lighter schedule. Tutoring waned, and I felt free to make plans for the summer. Our principal asked me to teach a summer English course as well as to create the English curriculum for the next school year. With a three-week vacation before summer courses began, I thought about all the places I wanted to visit in Asia during that time. Perhaps Jane could vacation with me? A phone call was in order.
Our school had a holiday on Friday, so I decided to visit Kyoto, and cross off one of my bucket list items and go have a formal kaiseki meal. Most people probably wouldn’t partake in such a formal meal by themselves but I figured if I didn’t go alone now, I may never be able to go. Taking the Shinkansen, Kyoto was not far from my village. I left Thursday after class and promised to free myself of home and all its memories. Home was here now, nowhere else.
Friday morning consisted of a walking tour and a visit to the Nishiki market. Dozens and dozens of shops selling authentic Japanese goods and produce, bustled with customers. I had a small lunch at a famous soba house then visited Tenryu-ji Temple in Arashiyama. Originally built in the 1300's, the temple’s stunning greenery and ponds graced a large part of the property. Fully blossomed Sakura trees complemented the famously landscaped garden.
After my walk through the garden, I headed back to the hotel and got dressed for my kaiseki meal at Japan’s most celebrated kaiseki restaurant. The distance between my hotel, Tenryu-ji temple, and the restaurant measured a short triangle. Mr. Suzuki had asked many of his friends and did a lot of research for me before calling in a reservation. Even alone, it was exciting to participate in an activity that had been on my mind for years. I wanted to dress up and look nice for this elegant meal. I couldn’t wait!
At first glance, the restaurant was breathtaking. Japanese lanterns in various shapes lined the pebble walkway leading up to what resembled a traditional Japanese house more than a restaurant. When I arrived, it was light enough for me to see the serene landscaping filled with plants and bushes and random bamboo fixtures. The hostess led me to a small room filled with only a tatami mat, a comfortable L-shaped cushion, and a black lacquered dinner table. I waited for the kimono-clad server to start my meal on the beautifully lacquered table. The sounds of the waterfall hummed in tune with chirping birds, and I sat with my back against the door, looking peacefully at the pond. With footsteps coming my way, I eagerly awaited my first course, the sakizuke or amouse bouche.
My ear listened carefully to what I thought was a familiar voice speaking English. Since there were so many tourists in Arayishima, I assumed it was one of the many coming to eat at the restaurant.
“Finally!” a voice announced, as the door opened. I knew instantly whose voice I’d heard. My head spun around faster than the server could finish opening the door.
Jake. My Jake. My Love.
Tears choked my eyes and my chest writhed in pain. Emotions overtook me. I stared at the handsome face I longed to see for so many months. My heart ached for this moment since I left him standing on a corner in New York. Was this person walking toward me a figment of my imagination? Could I trust my eyes? Even before he took the big step into my room, I wanted to run into his arms. But instead, I turned myself around and contained the hope that wanted to rip out of my heart.
He sat right next to me and whispered, “Hello, Emily.” His voice broke as he peered into my eyes. “Very long time no see.”
I sensed adoration and relief in his eyes. He probably sensed elation, along with fear in mine. He reached over to embrace me but I jumped back to guard myself from his touch. His face looked hurt. My face probably looked dumbfounded.
“What are you doing here?” I asked, trying to figure out whether this was coincidental or planned. Either way, none of it made sense.
“Why do you think I’m here?” Jake’s tone was a bit short with me. Exasperated might be a better word.
“I don’t know. Does the emperor need a heart surgeon?” Jake chuckled. I hadn’t meant to be funny. I had no other explanation for Jake being in Japan.
“Emily, I’m here to see you. We need to talk. Are you here alone, or are you waiting for someone?”
I heard him ask me a series of questions but I couldn’t get beyond the first sentence. Why are you here to see me? After all these months, what would make you talk to me now?
“Emily, are you waiting for someone?” he asked again.
“Yes,” was all I could answer. Silly, I’ve been waiting for you for months now. You’re very late, but thank you for coming. I’m so happy to see you.
“You are? W
ho are you waiting for? Are you waiting for a guy…? Are you seeing someone already?” Jake looked horrified.
I found his questions absurd. How could you think I started dating again? Don’t you know how much I missed you…how much I love you?
“Emily!” He tried to snap me out of my glazed look. “I sound like a broken record. Are you seeing someone?”
“Are you?” I didn’t mean to aggravate him by answering a question with a question, but I couldn’t babble any coherent thoughts.
“Of course not! Do you know how far and wide I searched for you after you left me? Why did you make it so hard for me to find you? Why have you been gone for so long?”
This statement snapped me out of my daze. In a biting tone I answered, “A bit bizarre you would try so hard to find me halfway around the world when you didn’t bother looking for me when I was just down the street. And by the way, you left me.”
He had no comeback. My impetuous tone startled Jake. He looked defeated. I was unhappy to see his sad face. I didn’t know what possessed me to talk to him in such a manner.
Our second course—Hassun, which sets the seasonal theme of the meal—arrived, and I continued eating. Jake paid no attention to his food. “How could you come into town last week and visit my parents, but not me? How could you cut off all communication with me? Didn’t you think I would want to see you…that I might worry about you? Didn’t you want to see me?”
Of course I wanted to see you. There wasn’t a day when I didn’t think about you. “How could you accuse me of cutting off all communication when you’re the one who walked out on me after asking me to marry you? You’re also the one who didn’t communicate with me for weeks. I begged you to talk to me.”
He was speechless again. His first and second courses sat. I moved on to eating my third course, Mukozuke—a dish of seasonal sushi.
“Emily. Why didn’t you send a return address to any of the letters you wrote? Maybe if you did, I could’ve resolved our issues sooner.”
I hesitated giving him an answer. I hesitated not because I didn’t have an answer, but because I didn’t want to show him how vulnerable I felt. Biding my time, I looked around the table at Jake’s uneaten food. Chopsticks lay still, our servers discontinued service, and even the water fountain seemed motionless. The only sound I could hear was my rapid heartbeat, and my heart hollering at me to grab him before he left me again. As his eyes continued to beg for an answer, I eventually gave into his plea. I had no defense to his offense. My weakness was his strength.
After a long sigh I confessed, “I didn’t send a return address, because when I didn’t get a response from you, I would know it’s because you couldn’t respond to me, and not because you didn’t want to respond to me.”
My head dropped immediately, sensing the deluge of emotions rushing to my eyes. Tears fell heavier than the water fountain that decorated the lovely garden right outside our room.
Jake appeared encouraged by my meltdown. He leaned over to embrace me again. My body rebuffed his attempts, though a bit more hesitantly this time.
“Emi, can I explain myself now? I’d like to tell you my side of the story.”
“Jake, if you came all the way over here to apologize, don’t bother. I don’t want to hear it. You walked out on me a few days after you said that you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me, and didn’t explain yourself for months. How could you not know I would wait for you at the Skywalk? What happened to your promise of not letting me be alone? I have been so alone the last five months without you. I thought you loved me, that you really, truly loved me. Where were you all those days I begged you to talk to me? Why are you here now after all these months?”
At this point, I couldn’t contain the sobbing. I could see Jake lifting his arm up and bringing it down several times, wondering whether or not to comfort me. His two failed attempts at embracing me earlier must have deterred his courage. In the end, he kept his hands to himself. Once composed, I finished the words that had burned in my heart for so long. “You can’t begin to understand how much you hurt me. I’ve just begun to piece myself back together again. I don’t want my heart broken anymore. You don’t owe me any explanation. I have no claim on you. Please just leave.”
Defeated, my chest throbbed, feeling beaten and bruised. I wanted to run away and hide in my corner again. My body sat quietly trying to calm my heart that blazed like a fire burning out of control. I knew Jake needed to say his piece. Though I dared not look into his face, pain emanated with his every breath.
Jake cautiously lifted his hand again, and brushed my fallen hair. His fingers traced the side of my temple to my cheekbone then down to my jaw. He held up my face and let his palm rest on my cheek. Very much, I wanted to see what was written in his eyes. My head was up, but my tear-filled eyes stayed down.
“First of all, I’m sorry,” he confessed. “I’m sorry I walked away from you that morning, and I can never forgive myself for leaving you stranded. I can’t believe I’ve hurt you so much. You don’t know how sorry I am that I left you alone. It was not my intention not to see or talk to you for this long. I came by your house many times trying to reconcile, but couldn’t find you. This situation got out of hand.” Jake’s face actually looked as tormented as my heart felt.
“That morning when you told me about Max, you broke my heart. I have this bad habit of shutting myself down when things go badly. I know it’s wrong and I know I’ve done this to you many times before. I’ll work on that. I promise I will. I won’t shut down on you or leave you anymore, I promise you.”
My heart beat even faster. I was sure Jake could hear the thumping from where he was sitting. Could he actually be trying to make amends with me? The hope within me attempted to break free, believing he might still love me as my tears continued down Jake’s hand.
“Anyhow, I initially didn’t answer your texts because I was angry with you. Childish, I know, but I couldn’t get myself to return your messages. Eventually, I calmed down enough to give you a few days to sort out your feelings and make you want to come back to me and me only. I knew I loved you, but this time I doubted your love for me.”
This statement angered me again. “Why would I try to communicate with you every day if I didn’t want to be with you? I told you in every text I loved you.”
“I believed you cared. But you never affirmed to me that I was the only one you wanted. I guess I was looking for affirmation. When I didn’t get this, I figured you had chosen Max over me, and I let you go—though only for about half a second—thinking this was the best for you.” He actually had the nerve to chuckle.
“Jake!” Frustration colored my face. “Did you read any of my texts? Every day I told you how much I missed you and that I loved you. Did you think it was all a lie?”
“I know. It was stupid of me. I couldn’t trust you. I thought maybe you were letting me down easily. Every day I looked forward to your text, but a part of me feared you would eventually tell me you had chosen Max.” He frowned at this thought. “When you sent me your last text, I realized I was completely wrong about your feelings. That’s when I panicked. I saw these texts from your point of view for the first time. Maybe you still loved me, but my lack of response would make you believe I didn’t love you anymore. I couldn’t assuage the sick feeling in my stomach. Since I couldn’t get a hold of you, my only solution was to see Jane in New York. I hoped she could give me some answers.”
Fear entered my heart at this point. If Jake still loved me, could I try again? Desperately wanting to love him again, but scared to be hurt, I listened for more reassurance.
“I came looking for you at your house as soon I received your last text. I wanted to tell you what was in my heart, but you didn’t answer the door. Little did I know that I would see you in less than twenty-four hours.”
“OK, so you finally saw my point of view, but you still didn’t say anything to me in New York to resolve our situation,” I
freed my face from his hand scared to be held by him—to be hurt by him. “If you still loved me, why did you send me away again? You could’ve stopped me.”
“When I saw you in Jane’s apartment, I was dumbfounded. You were the person I most wanted to see, but the last one I expected to see. At first, I said nothing out of shock. Then Nick started talking, Jane started yelling, and the next thing I knew, you were gone. Even before I reached you at the cab, Jane’s words about Arizona haunted me. In my mind, I could picture you standing at the Skywalk waiting for me to return. I was angry with myself but took it out on you instead. Please forgive me. All those hurtful words—I meant none of them.”
“Jake…I’m too scared to do this again. My heart is beyond repair. Did you have so little faith in me that you would believe one night with Max would lead to something improper? Did you really think so lowly of me? If that wasn’t bad enough, you left me without giving me a chance to explain myself. How can I trust you again? All these months, I hurt believing you didn’t care anymore—that you coldly cut me off.”
The once confident Dr. Jake Reid crumbled with my accusation. My heart broke watching guilt torment him.
“Emily, you must believe me when I tell you I love you! I never stopped loving you. I don’t believe I can ever not love you. I’m sorry I broke your heart. I’m sorry I abandoned you. I will never do it again. I absolutely cannot live without you. When I read your letter at the hospital, my world collapsed. It was like falling into some dark abyss. I couldn’t function for weeks. I took a sick leave and searched for you everywhere. Only when I received your first letter from Japan, did I think that there might be a chance we could meet again. That maybe we would love again. That’s when I decided to get my act together, and go back to the hospital and wait for you to return to me.”
My head nodded silently. I wasn’t sure which statement I was agreeing with—probably all of them.