by Cee, DW
I didn't know whether to be brave and stick my tongue out at my boss, or to be deathly afraid of the tongue-lashing to come.
"I apologize, Sir Roland. I'll try to keep it down."
"Jane, may I have a word with you in my office?"
I gladly followed Gimpy into his office and sat on his plush sofa. After frosting his windows for privacy, Gimpy brought over a tissue box and a cup of water and sat in front of me.
"What's going on Janey? Why the long face? Your Gram and I have been worried about you the past few days. You've been dreadfully down, and I haven't seen your beautiful smile in a week. Trouble with the Duke?"
I told Gimpy about the other night and how I felt so betrayed that Max hadn't discussed this major event in his life with me. I also told him how sad I would be if we were to separate again.
"Missy. Have you talked to your young man? What does he think about all your concerns?"
"I haven't spoken with him in a few days. He was mad when he saw Donovan bringing me home the next morning, and I was mad at him for not thinking about me at all. That crazy Joyce knew what was going on in my boyfriend's life better than I did."
"Yes, I recall seeing you come home in clothes that looked like a man's clothing. I wouldn't have been too happy either if my lady were to spend the night with another man and come back wearing his clothes."
"But it wasn't like that, Gimpy. And plus, that's not the issue here."
"Regardless of what it actually was, many times, what it seems is a lot worse than what it is."
"Gimpy, were you happy after you let Gram marry Gramps? How did you let her go when clearly you must have been, and still, are very much in love with her?"
"Your grandmother never loved me like she loved Jerry. Once I accepted this, I eventually met another woman and fell in love with her."
"Did you still think about Gram?"
"From time to time, but I loved my Lauren. She was my rock until she passed away. You know, the four of us - Lauren, Estelle, Jerry and I - eventually became good friends. And of course, only recently did Estelle and I renew our relationship."
"Why is life so complicated, Gimpy?"
"It's only as complicated as you make it, my dear Jane."
None of the tissues had been used, but I felt so down and tired. It was sweet of Gimpy to be so concerned for me, even if I didn't feel any better.
"Roland, may I take my sister out for the day?" I jumped at the unexpected intrusion in the room.
Jake. What was he doing here?
"Go ahead, Janey. I'm giving you a pass today, but I want to see a smile on your face next time I see you."
"Thank you, Gimpy."
We stopped several times before heading into the elevator so Jake could greet my coworkers. Geez, how did he know so many of the partners in this firm?
"What brings you here?"
"Your sullen and sulking face brings me here rather than to my family, especially my wife, on this day of love."
"How's Emily feeling?"
"She's as sick as a dog all day physically, and sick with worry for you mentally and emotionally. Why she loves and cares for you so much, when you're such a brat to her, is beyond me."
I gave him an I-don't-know-what-you're-talking-about look.
"Don't give me that feigned innocent look. I wasn't born yesterday."
"Does Emily think I've been a brat to her as well?" Now I felt guilty because I knew I had been way more than a brat to my sister.
"I'm sure she does, but she hasn't mentioned it. Jane, you know my wife grew up lonely. She wants to be your friend and sister. Don't disappoint her with your pettiness."
At first I felt guilty, but now I was getting defensive. "Is that why you're here - to berate me about my attitude towards your wife?"
"No. I am here because I am your brother, and Emily and I are both concerned for you. You've been severely depressed the past week, and Emily thought since you wouldn't confide in her, perhaps you may talk to me."
Okay, now I felt like a total bitch for shining off Emily.
"What's the real problem? Why are you avoiding Max? Is it the Donovan, Max, Jane triangle or is it the summer program that's eating you up?"
"Donovan is not a part of this equation."
"Oh he's definitely 60 degrees of this triangle right now. It matters not one bit to me whether you date Max or Donovan. In fact, I'd prefer Donovan, but he's not the right guy for you. You are both too cynical and jaded. Donovan needs someone more like my wife and you need Max. He is the one for you."
By this point in the conversation, we had walked half a block down to the Water Grill and sat at the bar. I chewed on Jake's brotherly advice, while our drinks were being poured.
"How do you know about the summer program?"
"I know because I sent him the application, and because he and I discussed it in length before he applied."
"It appears Max discussed this program with everyone but me."
"Little sister, you were not around when he sent in the application. But even then, Max worried about your reaction to this trip, if you two were to get back together. You do understand that he'll only be gone for a month? It's not like you'll be separated forever." Jake didn't exactly roll his eyes at me, but the tone of voice was no different than an eye-rolling. Yep, he was back to his pompous older brother role. I thought he had lost that pomp back on Uncle Billy's boat.
"It's not a matter of how long he'll be gone. Do you know he actually told me that he was 'mulling over what to do'? Not agonizing, not heartbroken, not torn, but mulling...what kind of stupid-ass word is that?"
Jake chuckled. "You remember when I saw Emily at your apartment during MLK weekend and I went outside to keep her from leaving?" I nodded yes. "You want to hear the asinine words I used?" I nodded yes, again. "After she told me that she had waited 8 hours for me at the Grand Canyon, I asked her how stupid she could be for not realizing that I wasn't coming back. I think I won the idiot of the year award for that comment." I laughed. It felt weird to laugh. "We guys don't know what to say when we feel guilty and backed into a corner."
"What do I do, Jake?"
"Do you want this to work or are you giving up already?"
"I wanted it to work so badly, Jake. I wanted nothing more."
"Wanted? As in past tense? Is it done?"
"How come he didn't talk to me and tell me what was going on? He knew about this for at least a month. Why was I the last to know?"
"I don't know...but here's your chance to find out."
Jake stood up and waved his hand. I turned around to see Emily walking into the restaurant with Max.
"Hello, Sweetheart. Everything good?" Jake lovingly asked his wife.
"Yes," she whispered and they embraced. These two made life and relationships look so easy.
"Hi Jane." Emily turned to me. "I'm sorry but I butted into your business without your permission. You can be mad at me later, but only after you and Max talk." She then turned to Max and said, "Don't make the same mistake twice."
Jake and Emily both waved goodbye and we were left standing, facing off.
February 18, 2013 A Happy Valentine's Day!
"Hi." I was a mixed bag of emotions standing in front of Max .
"I've missed you, Baby," was all he said as he pulled me into him. He held me tight...he held me long. He really did miss me. Just like I really, really missed him.
"Take her, Davis. She's all yours." My brother almost pushed us out of the restaurant. "Don't bring her home till everything is straightened out. If you wanna drive straight to Vegas and take her off our hands, you have my blessing."
"Jake..." Emily complained. "Leave them alone."
"I'm trying to, but they won't leave me alone. Let's go celebrate Valentine's Day, Wife. I've a fun evening planned for us."
"Bye..." Emily called out to the both of us.
We drove in silence for a long while, but Max didn'
t let go of my hand. He held it while driving, and from time to time, would lean over and kiss me where he could. I was physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted from the last week.
"Jane...Babe...Wake up."
I woke up to darkness and snow. We were up in the mountains somewhere parked in front of a one-story log cabin.
"Where are we?"
"Happy Valentine's Day. When you didn't answer my calls and messages, I thought a grand gesture was in order. But maybe I should have asked first, if you'd like to spend Valentine's Day with me? I rented a cabin for us for the night. Are you okay with this? I can drive back home if you don't want to be here with me."
"There's no place I'd rather be. I missed you too...very much."
He held me again, but it was awkward to embrace in the car so we got our stuff and checked out the cabin.
"Emily?" I asked, pointing to my suitcase.
"Who else?"
Damn! I owed Emily big when I got back home.
"Should we eat first or talk first?"
"Is there anything to eat?" I hadn't had a decent meal in a while, and all of a sudden I was very hungry.
Max pointed to the rolling cooler and picnic basket.
"My sister?" Shoot‼!
"Could there be anyone else?"
"You think she did this more for you or for me?" That was a crappy thing to say. I put my head down, shut my mouth and laid the food on the table.
After polishing off a chicken parm, salad, and dinner rolls, we went straight through the dozen chocolate dipped strawberries with champagne. No doubt, Emily probably dipped these herself.
"You have chocolate all over your lips," Max said, leaning over and lazily licking and sucking the excess chocolate off. This put my hormones in overdrive and next thing I knew, Max was lying on top of me on the plush rug and clothes started magically disappearing.
"We need to talk..." I somehow murmured with his tongue in my mouth.
"Right. This wasn't why I brought us up here." It wasn't??? "Let's talk. You want to go first or shall I?”
He stared. I stared.
"Okay. Let me start. Your brother sent me this application while you were still in New York and encouraged me to apply. He knew this was what I wanted to do, and he thought it was a good way for me to test the water. I told your brother that I wanted to go but that I was worried about us, even though there was no us at the time. If we were to get back together again, I didn't want to separate before we had a chance to establish a relationship."
"Alright...that all sounds reasonable. If you were so worried about us, why didn't you say anything to me? Why not just explain the program and see what I'd say? I would have gladly sent you off and waited for you."
"In all honesty, I'd forgotten that I'd even applied. When I got the letter, things were so good between us, I had no desire to leave you. I was torn between feeling selfish, foolish, and apprehensive about separating from you."
"Explain."
Max collected his thoughts for a while. "Well, I feel guilty that after two months of having you as a girlfriend, I want to forget helping anybody - I only want to spend my time with you. For almost three years now, I've been studying for, and preparing my heart to go help kids in need, but every minute I spend with you, every kiss we share, I can't unglue myself from you."
Now that was a truly sweet sentiment. Maybe I was too hard on him, me, and us?!?
"Then, I felt stupid, foolish, even idiotic, for not being able to separate from you for a measly month. Being apart for 30 days wasn't going to be the end of our relationship, nor the end of the world, but I didn't think I had it in me to be apart, again."
Maybe all that drama was for nothing.
"And last, I'm apprehensive - maybe insecure is a better word - about us. I'm still not wholly sure about your feelings. Every time I think we're okay, I find myself challenging Donovan in a game of tug-of-war for your heart. After seeing you come out of his car, in his clothes, I have no confidence that I'm on the winning end.”
Whewwww.... That was a whew expressed not out of relief, but out of frustration and discomfort. My heart broke when I thought about Max when he saw me with Donovan, again. I seriously had no sense of empathy. How would I have felt if I saw Joyce coming out of Max's apartment, wearing only his clothes? I probably would have drop-kicked her down the stairs first for trying to take away my boyfriend, but eventually I'd be heartbroken.
"Let me clarify a huge misunderstanding. Yes, I spent the night at Donovan's and yes, I was in his clothes, but no, I did NOT spend the night with Donovan. I spent the night with Becky, his sister. She just happened to be staying at his house. If Jared, Ashley's fiancé, would've picked her up before Donovan picked up his sister, I would've gone home with them. I just wanted to leave before you arrived. I couldn't face you at that moment. Becky didn't exactly bring extra sleep wear so I went to bed in Donovan's shirt and sweatpants. It was nothing sexual. It was like a brotherly gesture."
He didn't look any more relieved. "Why didn't you answer any of my calls for 10 days?"
"That morning when you saw me get out of Donovan's car and we had the row outside my house...something weird happened to me. I took the day off and stayed in my room all day, depressed. Every time I thought about what had happened, or if I thought about us breaking up, my body would be in so much pain. It wasn't just my heart that suffered, every part of me hurt. It was the most bizarre experience and it frightened me to feel so much."
Max just held me for a while, and kept telling me how sorry he was. "Are you still hurting?" His loving eyes bore down at me. "I'm sorry I did that to you. I never meant to hurt you, Jane."
"Every day, I hurt at times, but it isn't as often, or as bad as that first day." Once I saw the pain in his eyes, I felt guilty telling him about my overkill reaction to this situation. "Anyhow, I realized that I was more upset with my reaction to what you did to me, than to what had actually happened. This was why I didn't answer your calls. I didn't know what to think about these crazy bodily pains, and why I was in such agony over our fight."
"So...all this time, you weren't really angry with me? You were angrier with...YOURSELF?"
Uh-oh! "Hey, I was plenty angry with you!"
"Seriously, Gem? That was why we didn't see each other for 10 days, and you had me going out of my mind with grief and worry - because you couldn't figure yourself out???"
What kind of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde routine was this? One minute he's practically debilitated, empathizing with my pain, and the next minute, he's bitter and churlish? Who's in the wrong here?
"I'll have you know..." My retort began in a most unsavory way.
Max finished that statement (and then some) in a most delicious way.
February 21, 2013 Hung up on the details
You all are probably wondering if we did the deed last weekend up in that cozy log cabin? Should I leave things hanging? I'm not one to kiss and tell but...before I get into the information you are all hung up on, let me tell you a few promises I made to myself and to Max (though I haven't told him about these promises, yet).
First, I'm not going to make Max insecure any more. This means, no more unnecessary friendliness with Donovan or any other man who may cross my path. Though, Max said that friendly lunches (preferably not dinners) are ok.
Second, I'm going to be less of a gem. This weekend proved to me that we are a solid couple, and we are both going to look at this relationship as a stepping-stone to the last step. We may not make it there, but we will try for the happily ever after. I'm also going to stop with the petty jealousy where Emily and Joyce are concerned. It's "unnecessary and totally uncalled for" my boyfriend tells me, and I believe him.
Lastly, I'm going to be a nicer person. I'll be nicer to Max (of course), and also to my siblings - Emily, especially! I've been nothing but a brat (or a bitch, depending upon the situation) to her. She's pregnant, she's ill, and yet she's still happily willing to
take care of me. Case in point, she bought me all new clothes, sleepwear, toiletries, and even a pair of comfy Ugg boots, for my weekend up in Big Bear. She even packed our weekend meals. Why, you ask, did she do this? Because a) she's a nice person b) she wants the best for me and Max c) she loves me. Yep, it's all of the aforementioned. I couldn't have asked for a nicer sister.
Here are some of the promises Max and I made to each other while on our mini-vacation. No more silent treatment was numero uno on his list of no-nos. We both promised to discuss any major happenings in our lives without reservation. I also encouraged him to go on his "mission," so he could test the waters and see if this was really for him. I didn't want him to ever regret and blame me for what could have been. Max wanted to think it over some more before committing.