by Cee, DW
“I am!” He lamented. “Oh, I didn’t tell you who else is here.”
“Who?”
He pointed the other way with his head again.
“No, freakin’ way!!! Am I drunk already, or is that my old roommate Allison?”
“And Jake’s old play thing, too, let’s not forget. Jake almost had a heart attack when she called out his name and started running towards him at the golf course.”
I died laughing! “Heart attack, good one. Was that supposed to be some play-on words with his profession? Or is that called a double entrendre?”
“No, dummy! It had no second meaning. He really almost had a heart attack and would’ve if Emily had been there.” Donovan started slurring his words. I waited for the hiccups to start. “You’re drunk, already.”
“You’re the drunk one!” I accused. “I’m perfectly coherent. In any case, what the hell is she doing here? This club is letting in anyone nowadays!” I sounded like such a snob, but I didn’t care. I was buzzed, I was pissed, and I was letting out steam.
“Apparently, she was having an affair with one of the old geezers, and his wife left his ass as soon as she found out. And now, Allison is head of that household.”
“Scary! Jake with his present and past, Max with his present and past, and you with your present and...that’s right, Kate is present and past. This is one big scary family we’ve got going on here.”
“So tell me, Vixen, who is that homey Midwest-looking girl that Max is with, and why are you so pissed off tonight?”
“She’s his high school ex who’s living in his parents’ home, invading my apartment hunting time with my boyfriend, and trying to weasel her way into our lives every which way she can.” I downed another shot after that explanation. Donovan and I never moved on, alcohol-wise. We were taking turns putting shots on our parents’ tabs. “Why are you drinking with me, when you have Sea-foam goddess at your disposal?”.
Unlike me, Donovan took his shot before the explanation. “I’m so damned confused with life. I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I’m doing, and worst of all, I don’t know why I keep thinking the way I do.”
“That was the most convoluted way of not answering a question. Spill it, Donovan! What is it that you want?”
“You...Kate...” It sounded like there should’ve been a third name spoken, but no other name was mentioned.
“Don’t be an idiot. You don’t want either one of us. You’re such a freakin’ liar.” Another round of shots came and we both downed them at the same time. “Okay, next...what are you doing?”
“I was told by a wise friend that I was physically with one woman, mentally thinking about another woman, but didn’t have the guts to emotionally love the right woman. That’s what I’m doing.”
“Shit! Another damn mouthy answer. Next...what the hell are you thinking?”
“It’s a matter of a thought I can’t shut off, that’s bothering the fuck out of me.”
“Eengh!” I crossed my arms into an X and made the Family Feud buzzer noise. “Wrong, stupid-ass answer, again. Strike three, you’re out!” I said, and we both laughed at one another.
“You done making a fool of yourself, here?”
I looked up at a pissed-off Max.
“You done playing boyfriend to your ex-girlfriend?” I challenged back.
Donovan laughed and congratulated me with a high-five. “Good one,” he whispered.
“Dinner’s over. I’m taking Hannah home. I’ll take you home too, if you need a ride.”
Something about this statement sobered me up real quick. He didn’t offer to take me home. He didn’t ask if he could make amends with me after such a horrible day. He extended a ride to me only if I needed one. My heart broke again, and I blinked back the tears.
“I don’t think I drank enough to forget this day,” I said and downed another one.
April 29, 2013 Take-out
NINE days since our oh-so-successful apartment hunting and drink-fest have come and gone, and no word from my ever-faithful, loving boyfriend. Of course, I haven’t made any effort to contact him either. Two weekends ago was painful. And it had nothing to do with the gnarly hangover I experienced the next morning. Every which way I looked at it, I did not do one thing wrong. It was Max who should come apologize, and it was Max who should beg me for forgiveness. Until he did, I wasn’t budging. We, too, would stay at an impasse.
My heart wasn’t feeling well, but I wasn’t going to stay home and mope around. In fact, I purposely kept myself busy this past weekend so I wouldn’t think too much about Max—not that I was very successful. Friday night, Donovan invited Jake and Emily to a Lakers’ playoff game and once again, he got seats on the floor. I made such a stink about not being invited, that Donovan had to buy another ticket and “invite” me.
“You’re the best!” I applauded his decision to buy a fourth, very expensive, ticket.
“You’re a pain in the ass,” he growled as he clicked the “purchase” button from the online ticket site. Yes, I went to his office, stood by his side and made sure he bought me a ticket as well. Bratty, I know! “You buying dinner?” Donovan asked.
“No way! My brother can buy dinner. Where are we eating, by the way?”
“You’re eating at home. The three of us are eating sushi.”
“I’m sticking to you like glue today, so don’t even think about getting on that shuttle without me,” I smiled. “I’ll buy you an egg salad sandwich for lunch today,” I offered.
“Whatever. Go back to your cubicle, and let me bill some hours so I can pay for that ticket I just purchased,” he shooed me away.
“Did I ever tell you that you’re my favorite lawyer in this office?”
“GO TO WORK!” He commanded.
So that’s how I got myself to a sushi dinner at a trendy hot spot at LA Live and to a floor seat, a few chairs down from Ryan Seacrest and the lesser Kardashian sisters, at a Lakers’ game. Friday night was fun, but unfulfilling.
Saturday, I decided to hop in my car and drive down to San Diego to hang out with my cousin Sam and one of my best friends, Evie. I plopped my stuff down at Sam’s apartment, and we had a late brunch, shopped and shopped some more. We then met Evie for dinner and went to a club after dinner. Though I had a good time, I felt empty.
Sunday morning, I drove back home, milled around the house, and even babysat for Jake and Emily so they could run some errands in the afternoon. The twins kept me crazy occupied, and eventually wore me out—but still, I couldn’t stop thinking about Max and why he wasn’t reaching out to me.
Today was Monday, and I was on the verge of thinking maybe we were done. Every time we got into a fight, Max and I usually went dark on each other, but it’s never been this long, and it’s never been this dark and silent. I didn’t even want to contemplate what Max had been doing with a girl (or maybe even two girls, Bitch and Psycho) who I’m sure made certain Max came in contact with her daily.
Work was done early, and I thought about joining my co-workers for drinks, or calling out Nick or Laney or Doug for dinner, but decided against it. Instead, I went to a little hole in the wall take-out joint Max and I frequented. Crestfallen, but still mulish about not reaching out first, I went to a place where I could feel Max’s presence.
I parked out front in the loading only zone, knowing I’d quickly pick up the order I’d called in, and stopped dead when I saw Max sitting at a two-top, laughing and enjoying dinner with Hannah. He didn’t notice me right away so I made a split second decision and turned around. I fumbled with the keys, got in the car, and tried to contain the tears I was drowning in. I needed to leave before there was any chance of him seeing my car through the glass entryway, but I couldn’t move. I’d never felt so betrayed and devastated. Now I knew what it meant to have my heart broken in a million pieces.
It was still early, and I contemplated calling Becky and crying my heart out to her. She’d understand
and help me sift through the pain. As I reached for my phone, I remembered that she was in the early stages of pregnancy and quite ill, so I stopped myself from asking for help. I tried to call Evie, but she wasn’t answering, and Ashley was in such a honeymoon stage about her wedding, I didn’t want to spoil her happiness by bringing in my sadness. Emily was an option, but since I was always bemoaning my woes to her and Jake, I didn’t want to be seen as an even bigger loser. Laney? After laughing at her in the car with Donovan and not making things right with her, she wasn’t the right person to call, either.
If tonight taught me anything, I needed to be kinder to the people around me and make more friends. I was desperate to share my hurt with someone, but there were very few someones in my life, and even fewer someones available for me. Perhaps I should’ve been there first for my friends so that when my time came, they’d be there for me. Lesson learned!
After much introspection in a parked car near my home, I decided to go home and sleep this ugliness away. All the crying exhausted me, and a good night’s rest was necessary to clear my head. I’d give Max a call tomorrow and decide together what needed to be done about our relationship. I didn’t believe we were over, but a lot had to be said.
Walking into a silent home, I’d purposely stayed out later than I’d wished, so everyone would be asleep. I didn’t relish having to explain myself. Last thing I needed was four elderly folks worrying about a sprightly twenty-seven-year-old.
“Hey,” a raspy voice greeted me as I opened my door. “I thought you would come right home. Where’ve you been?”
Huh? Somehow, somewhere, someone heard my plea, and sent me a friend whose shoulder I hope, I could cry on.
May 2, 2013 Did I Miss Something?
“Where’ve you been?” Max sat up tall on my bed, back against the headboard, arms open for me. Pride be damned. I crawled perfectly into his arms and cried silently. My body showed all the signs of crying, but I didn’t make a sound. Today I realized I’d have a very tough time living without this man. “Baby, don’t cry. It breaks my heart to see you like this.”
I didn’t care that it broke his heart. My heart was broken too, and this is exactly what I needed—Max’s shoulder to cry on.
“Hey,” I heard Max whisper in my ear. “What time do you have to get to work this morning?”
I woke up dazed and feeling almost hung over, again. My head felt like it was splitting, and I was incredibly thirsty.
“I don’t have much going on today,” I croaked. “I can get in later. I just need to let someone know.”
“Stay here. I’ll take care of it for you.”
Max left the room, and I reviewed what happened last night the best I could. I remembered coming home, finding Max in my bed, crying, then the reel cut off. I couldn’t recall whether we talked, worked anything out, had sex??? From the looks of his wrinkled shirt, Max had stayed the night with me in my bed, but according to my memory, I couldn’t conjure up any fun time had. I stopped thinking. My head hurt badly.
It took a while, but Max eventually came back with a tray of food, coffee, a tall glass of water, and some Advil. I guess he was close to knowing me pretty well by now.
He placed the tray on my lap and handed me the water and Advil first.
“Thanks,” I said and did as the good doctor ordered.
“Let’s eat first, then talk?” I agreed to his suggestion. “I take it you didn’t have dinner last night?”
As soon as he mentioned last night, it all came back to me—dinner, Max, Hannah, laughter—and the tears fell again. I felt like a fool crying again, and I couldn’t believe there were any tears left. So much for the tough girl persona I’d been putting on for the past twenty-seven years. It all got shot to hell in the last twelve hours.
“Sorry,” I apologized and tried to put myself together.
Max took the tray away and sat in front of me looking serious. “I don’t know where to begin with the apologies. There are so many things I’ve done wrong in the last week and a half, I’m embarrassed to count all my grievances.” This wasn’t the way I envisioned this conversation to go, but I wasn’t going to stop it. “First, let’s talk about last night.”
“Ok,” I croaked, again.
“What you saw at the restaurant wasn’t what it looked like.”
I said, “Ok,” again, but not in any convincing manner.
“My initial intention was to pick up some dinner and come see you last night. But when I called to place my order, Tony told me that you had just placed the same order. I combined our orders and told him not to let you leave before I showed up. When I got there, Hannah was there eating by herself, so I stopped to chat with her till you came.”
The explanation sounded feasible, but not enough to sooth my hurt. “How did you know I was there?”
“I didn’t till I thought I spotted your car out front. When I went outside to greet you, you were going instead of coming. It didn’t take me long to put two and two together and figure that you probably thought I was having dinner with Hannah.”
I guess I didn’t look convinced.
“I swear, Babe. The last time I saw Hannah was when I dropped her off at my parents’ after our shitty Saturday. I’ve avoided her at the hospital, and I haven’t returned any of her calls. I needed to talk to you, first.”
The fight in me was slowly reappearing because I contemplated asking him why he didn’t make me first the last time I saw him. But, for now, I liked being silent. It made Max more and more nervous.
“As soon as I saw you leave, I picked up our food, came straight here and waited for you. I didn’t think you’d be out so late. Where were you all that time?”
“Nowhere in particular.”
“You didn’t go see Donovan?” Max treaded lightly.
“Unlike you, I know who I’m dating.” Cheap shot, I know, considering I had wavered in the past with Donovan. “I sat in my car wondering how to put myself back together again after the damage you’d caused.” Yes...another cheap shot. The snarky me was coming back, but something in Max’s demeanor told me I should hold back a little. He looked kinda somber. Though he had NINE days to think about it, maybe he was trying to come up with plan Z on how to win me back. That was probably what his whole I feel sad look was about.
“Saturday. Let’s talk about Saturday,” Max sighed loudly. “I was angry when you took us up to an apartment I couldn’t afford. I felt inadequate as a man, not being able to give you something you wanted, and I felt sorry for Hannah who could barely afford to live in the single we saw. Part of me was mad because I thought you were showing off to Hannah and trying to get back at her for the stupid games she was playing, and part of me was angry that I was such a moron for bringing Hannah with us. I was hoping to pull you aside at the club and apologize, but you went straight to Donovan and didn’t leave his side the whole night.”
Something about Max was really off, but I decided I didn’t care. For NINE freakin’ days, he left me alone to stew and worry about where we stood as a couple. What boyfriend did that? “First of all, I didn’t go straight to Donovan. He was having a shitty day himself, and he sat next to me. We were just two friends commiserating! If you’d come to me, your girlfriend, rather than hanging with Hannah, your ex-girlfriend, I would have gladly done the shots with you instead. Second, I wasn’t showing off, I wasn’t asking you for anything, and I wasn’t trying to make anyone feel bad! I wanted to see what a penthouse loft looked like. I can’t afford one either, and I was...” I just stopped there. I didn’t want to tell him how devastated I was when he told me he wasn’t interested in buying anything with me.
He reached out and put his hand over my two hands. He looked so torn and devastated himself, I felt like I should comfort him instead of the other way around. What the hell is the matter with you, Max? Why is my heart feeling your pain more than my own? “I know how much I hurt you when I told you that I didn’t want to buy anything right now. I
saw your face and my heart broke when yours did. I’m sorry, Jane. After seeing how defeated you were, I felt stupid retracting my statement and telling you that the reason I couldn’t buy anything was because I didn’t know where I’d end up doing residency. I still have a long way to go before making any money as a doctor. I wasn’t implying that I didn’t want any future with you.”
He wiped the tears that started falling down my face. This was the most fucked-up situation. He was apologizing, but my heart broke more for him, than for me. None of this was making sense to me. Maybe I needed to go back to sleep.
“When I asked your dad if Hannah could join us at the club, I was hoping that she’d hang with my brothers, so I could have a chance to make everything right between us. I had no idea Hannah would put us in such an awkward situation, and I felt like an asshole for hurting you. I still have a lot of guilt where Hannah is concerned. Because of me, she never went to college, she hasn’t been in any other serious relationship...her life regressed while mine progressed. I see now how hard it is for her to see me so in love with you. It brings out all kinds of ugliness in her, but I try to be understanding. I was hoping you would, too, but I guess that was wrong of me to assume.”