by Cee, DW
“Are you on your period?” I asked.
Jane screamed louder than I did when I saw my diary about to be hammered open. Maybe a period is something you don’t want destroyed. Who knows?!?
AGE 10—He’s THE ONE!
I saw my future husband today—the man I’m going to marry. He is soooooo handsome! He’s even more handsome than Jake. He’s the brother of Jake’s girlfriend, Kelley (I love Kelley!), and Doug tells me that he’s also Jake’s best friend. When I asked Doug why I hadn’t seen him before, he says it’s because I’m stupid and I never notice anyone since I’m always either reading or daydreaming. Well, yes...I read a lot and daydream a lot, but NO! I’m not stupid! Why, I just got better grades on my 5th grade report card than Doug did when he was in 5th grade. You see! I’m NOT stupid! Anyways, my future husband’s name is Donovan Taylor, and he’s sooooooo dreamy. How can anyone be sooooo handsome? Today, Auntie Sandy was girlsitting me (not babysitting, but girlsitting) and Jake, Kelley and Donovan came home from school to pick up snorkeling gear before going to some place called Cabol? They kept saying Cabol this, Cabol that, and I didn’t want to sound stupid so I just sat and stared at Donovan.
“Who’s this pretty little girl?” my future husband asked.
“I’m Delaney Reid, but everyone calls me Lane or Laney.”
“Hello Delaney Reid. Can I call you Delaney? I don’t want to be like everyone else and call you by the same name. I’d like to be someone special to you.” He winked at me.
“Stop flirting with my ten-year-old cousin. She’s seeing stars right now between your smooth talking and ‘dizzying good looks.’ All women must be blind if they think you’re ‘devastatingly handsome.’”
“Oh, but he is...” Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! Did I just say that? Aaaahhh! I wanted to scream and die of embarrassment right in my auntie’s kitchen.
“You see...Delaney agrees, so it must be a fact that I’m ‘devastatingly handsome!’ I’ll see you around, Delaney Reid.” Donovan touched me. He really, really touched me. He patted the top of my head and told me he’d see me again. This was the best day evahhh!
AGE 10 (After Cabol)—I hate NEON!
The front door opened and I heard Donovan say hello to my father. Whaaaa? What was he doing in my house? Oh! My! Gosh! I wanted to die! My night retainers were on—you know the kind with the metal-wrap around the head? I was in my Cinderella “nightgown” and my hair was a mess in pigtails. And I had my neon green underwear that showed through my WHITE nightgown! Why, oh why, does Mom always have to buy me such bright and colorful underwear? And why, oh why, do I always forget that I’m not supposed to wear bright underwear with something white? I’m going to burn all my underwear next time Mom buys any more of them for me!
“How was your Christmas, Little Girl?”
“Why are you here?” I asked in a snippier way than I wanted to ask. Mom was always scolding me these days about sounding “snippy.”
“Jake needs to talk to your dad and I’m tagging along.”
“Are you going to be a doctor like my dad?”
“No way! I don’t have any interest in being a doctor. I suck at science. What about you, Little Girl? You going to be a doctor like your dad?”
“Maybe. I’m good in science and I’m smart, too. I heard my mommy and daddy say I was way smarter than my brother. I don’t think they wanted me to hear that, but I heard it.”
“I’m sure you are, Cutie-pie. You’re definitely cuter than your brother.” He patted my cheek with his hand. I was NOT going to wash my face tonight. I’d even lie to Mom when she asked me later if I’d brushed my teeth and washed my face. “You must have lots of boys chasing after you, or maybe you have a boyfriend?”
“What? NO! I don’t have a boyfriend…” I shot up from my belly-on-the-floor position and kinda ran around in circles. “I DO NOT HAVE A BOYFRIEND!” I yelled.
Donovan laughed and laughed at me.
“What in heaven’s name are you doing?” Daddy asked as he walked in the family room with Jake and Doug.
“Nothing, Daddy.” I stopped running, embarrassed I’d acted like a dummy, again.
“Well, whatever you were doing, you might want to know we can all see your neon green underwear!” my brother announced REALLY loudly.
“AAAAAHHHHH‼!” I screamed and ran up to my room as I heard all the guys laughing at me.
AGE 10—Valentine’s Day!
I made Valentine’s Day cards for everyone in my class. When I say I made cards, I mean, I REALLY drew, colored, and wrote personal messages to everyone—even the kids who bugged me! Of course, I made an extra big one for Donovan. I didn’t know whether or not he’d stop by our house, but I hoped he would because Mom threw the coolest, craziest parties. She’s the BEST party planner, evaaaaahhhh! She decided to throw a Valentine’s Day party this year and the theme was PINK, my favorite color. Mom is the absolute best in every way. When I woke up this morning, the entire house was pink and filled with hearts and balloons. My room had streamers all over and on my desk sat a big box, bigger than my head—and trust me, my entire family tells me that I have a big head.
“What’s this, Mom?”
“A present.” Did my momma think I was stupid? Of course it was a present. “Don’t give me that snippy look, young lady.” How on earth did she know what I was thinking? “I know ‘cuz I’m your momma.” Aaaahhh! She’s psycho. Or is it psychic? Whatever.
“Who’s this from?”
“Open it,” Daddy suggested.
I did open it, and it was the most fantabulous dress in PINK! “Thank you, thank you, thank you! It’s so pretty. Do you think Dono...” I turned PINK myself and ran into the bathroom with the dress. I think my parents were laughing at me, but I ignored them.
School was soooooo boring and it lasted soooooo long. As soon as it was done, I ran home with Doug and helped Mom wherever she’d let me help. The party started at 6:00pm with a wonderful dinner that Mom did NOT cook. Mom is a great party planner, but not the best cook. Lucky for all of us, she catered the meal. Now, I’m not trying to be mean. She just doesn’t cook. However, she does a lot of other cool things, so it’s all good.
I quickly ate my dinner with my cousins at the children’s table. Jane was pouting because she had to sit with us even though she said she was almost 15 years old. Jane looked gorgeous in her soft pink dress (it helped that Auntie Sandy let her put on blush and lipstick tonight—something my own mom would not let me do). I felt like an ugly duckling! Even worse, my dress was big and poofy; something a little three-year-old would wear. What ten-year-old wears a big, poofy, pale pink dress? Jane was in a long, slinky, pink dress. With her black hair, blue eyes, and the pale pink dress, she looked like a high schooler. With my blonde hair and the big poofy pink dress, I looked like cotton candy with a curly yellow bow on top. Ugh! I was going to have to stay away from my really pretty cousin.
“Hi Donovan!” Jane stood up and greeted him with a great big hug.
“Hello, Beautiful.” He answered her with a kiss to her forehead. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”
“Same to you. Did you just get here?”
“Yeah. Your brother, Kelley, and I just popped in to say hello before heading over to the frat house.”
Donovan chatted away with my cousin, and I don’t know why, but my heart hurt so much to see him with Jane. And I felt so inadequate next to her. Quietly getting up from my seat, I went up to my room, found the card I’d made for Donovan and threw it in the trashcan. I also tried to take off this stupid dress but of course the complicated buttons in the back made it impossible for me to take it off. This was probably the stupidest thing I’ve ever done, and I knew Mom was going to yell at me till next Valentine’s Day, but I got out the hugest pair of scissors I could find and searched for a way to get this dress off me. Should I start cutting from the top, or the bottom? I couldn’t make up my mind. What the hell, I mean heck. Mom would be furious with my
snippiness now...but she wasn’t here to see it or hear it...ha! ha! ha!
“What the hell?”
I jumped back at the real “what the hell” and the scissor landed right between my big toe and the one right next to it. Would that be called the fore-toe? Second toe? The one right after the big toe? Who! The! Hell! cares what the toe is called when my foot hurts so badly? OW! OW! OW! I hopped around my room but held back the tears because Jake and Donovan had come in my room.
“I’ll go get the first aid kit. You stay here with Laney.”
“Jake! Please don’t tell Mom! I’ll be in big trouble!”
He laughed at me (again!). “All right. I’ll clean and bandage you up myself,” he answered and walked away.
“Why the hell did you have a pair of scissors the size of Jaw’s mouth on your dress?”
“I couldn’t unbutton the dress so the only way out was to cut it off.”
I think Donovan thought I was coo coo for cocoa puffs—and by the way, isn’t that a great saying? Daddy says that about some of his patients, though I don’t think he means for me to hear it.
“Do you normally cut off all your dresses if you can’t wait for your mom to help you take them off?” He was trying really hard not to laugh at me. WHY oh WHY do these people always laugh at me? WHY can’t he just give me a hug and kiss on my head like he did to Jane? Instead, this boy, man, college student—whatever!—was always laughing at me. Aaaarrrggghhh!
“No.” There was so much blood coming out and it hurt so badly, that’s about all I could say.
“Laney.” Uncle Bobby was here. Thank GOD! “Let’s see what’s happening.”
Uncle Bobby is a doctor like Dad, but in a different part of the body. He must be much smarter than Daddy because Daddy only knows about the heart, but Uncle Bobby practices something called general medicine, which means he takes care of the whole body. I’d never tell Daddy I thought Uncle Bobby was smarter, but I think I’m right.
“It’s bleeding so much.” I croaked so I wouldn’t cry.
“Ooh, this looks pretty deep. I’m going to have to suture the wound. Jake, give me my kit.” My cousin did just that. “This might sting a bit. I’m going to have to clean it first.”
As soon as Uncle Bobby put the cotton pad with antiseptic on me, I yelped, “SHIT,” then added very quickly when I saw the look on all of their faces, “-take mushroom!” Uncle Bobby’s body started convulsing, and he couldn’t stop laughing at me. Then, Jake and Donovan joined in. I was probably redder than the red balloons in my room.
“You want me to hold your hand when your uncle starts with the stitches?” Donovan offered, and I was no dummy. The offer was taken even before the question was finished.
Getting stitches is not for the weakling. It hurt! But, I didn’t cry in front of Donovan and this crazy weird feeling in my stomach that came on after Donovan started holding my hand, helped take my mind off the needle tying my two toes together.
“What do you keep muttering?” Donovan asked.
“Huh? I’m not saying anything.”
“Yes you are. You keep saying all these words that don’t have any meaning when stated together.”
“Oh.” Shiitake mushroom! I didn’t realize I was saying any words aloud.
“Say them louder, Laney.”
“Do I have to, Uncle Bobby? I’d prefer to keep them to myself. It’s just my private collection of words.”
“I’d like to hear them,” he said with a nice smile.
“Oh, OK. Here goes...shiitake mushroom, Hoover Damn, hell-o, assinine, habitchual and there are a couple more but I think I’ll stop before I get into any more trouble.” My head went down. I waited for Uncle Bobby to have a “word” with me.
“Where did these words come from, Laney?”
“I make them up. And I promise I only use them in my head whenever the situation is extreme, like it is now. I don’t use these words on anyone else. It’s just my private collection of words, Uncle Bobby.”
“So, it’s like a substitute word for the actual bad word itself?” Jake was snickering at me. And so was Donovan.
It wasn’t cool of them to make fun of me. I got mad! “Um, HELL-o, I think that’s called a euphemism...,” answered the girl who was in a lot of pain, and with a lot of snarkiness. After getting cut with a pair of scissors, I never wanted to use the word snip(py), ever again! Donovan and Jake were practically on the floor, shaking with laughter. Uncle Bobby was too. “Have I put you all in stitches? Can we finish up my stitches once yours are contained?”
“Where on earth did you get such a large vocabulary, Delaney? Who teaches you all this stuff?”
“Nobody teaches me. I read, unlike some people in this household.” I pretended to cough and say Doug’s name at the same time.
“I don’t think we need to go anywhere for entertainment tonight. I could hang out with your cousin all night and be perfectly happy.”
Really? Meeeee toooooo!
“I think you’re all set, young lady. It will be up to you to explain to your parents what happened here.”
“Thank you, Uncle Bobby. When you’re too old to take care of yourself, I’ll help you.” Maybe that wasn’t the best thing to say?!?
“Why thank you, Laney. Not even my own kids have offered help in my dotage. I’ll keep it in mind.”
“Bye.” I called out to my uncle and expected the other two guys to leave. “Good-bye?” I said to the both of them.
“Before I leave, I want to know why there’s a handmade Valentine’s Day card in your trashcan.”
Oh! My! Gosh! Donovan was almost at my trashcan picking out his card.
“NO!” I screamed. And that helped. He stopped long enough for me to grab the card out from under him.
“Is that for your boyfriend?” Donovan teased. “He must have the same initials as mine as I see a huge D in the front and a T in the back.”
Mortification with a capital M—thy name is Delaney! I could be a bit melodramatic at times, but at this very moment, I should be nothing less. Donovan almost guessed my secret.
“Stop harassing a ten-year-old and let’s get going. Kelley’s going to be waiting.”
“I can’t leave till Delaney tells me who she made the card for and why it’s in the trashcan.”
“I made it for a boy. But I got mad at the boy for paying attention to another girl. So I trashed it.” I looked him dead in the eye and dared him to challenge me. But inside, I was sooooo nervous he may challenge me. “Satisfied?”
He smiled his one-million megawatt smile and said, “Happy Valentine’s Day, Little Girl. See you again, soon.”
This was the best Valentine’s Day evahhh!
AGE 10—Easter
Easter is always on Uncle Billy’s boat in San Diego. His boat isn’t that big, but somehow we all make it work. Today, with the weather being so nice, I was told we were sailing somewhere deep into the ocean. I love water! And when I make this statement, I mean what I say. I LOVE WATER! I can surf, much better than my brother, of course. I swim well enough to be on a swim team, and I love to jump off the high, high diving boards. I haven’t learned to water ski yet, but I figure that’s coming up soon—like maybe this summer in Hawaii.
“When did you get that dress, and with what money?” Mom was commenting on my Easter outfit. After that cotton candy dress fiasco, I asked Mom to get me a non-poofy dress. Her answer to my plea—a Lilly Pulitzer dress that would be great...if I were FIVE years old. I’m TEN now and can NOT wear a dress that makes me look like a baby. Plus, Jake is coming to Easter brunch with Kelley, and where they are, Donovan isn’t far behind.
“I bought it.” My proud announcement didn’t sit well with Mom. If Valentine’s Day taught me anything, I learned I didn’t want to look like a baby, I didn’t want any more pastels (sorry, RL and Lilly Pulitzer), and I didn’t want to look like everyone else. I wanted to POP, and my orange dress POPPED! “Isn’t it pretty?”
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“It’s beautiful, Baby.” Daddy finally came out to the car, ready to leave. “Did your mother buy it for you?”
“No, I didn’t. She must have taken my credit card and made another online purchase. Young lady,” uh-oh…here came the scolding. “You are not to use my card...”
“Let her be, Babs. It’s Easter, she looks gorgeous—in fact, that dress is much sweeter than the one you picked out for her. Maybe you should let her buy her own clothes from now on. Then we won’t have this issue.”
“Thank you, Daddy.” I kissed him on the cheek and jumped in the car before Mom could continue her lecture.
Our ride to San Diego was boring, and as expected, Uncle Billy took the boat out to sea. Right before we left, Jake, Kelley and Donovan hopped aboard, and I knew today was going to be fantastic! But the water was choppier than usual, so I stood, holding the railing, hoping to ease my rioting stomach.
“Hey there, Little Girl. Whatcha doing here by yourself?”
“I’m feeling a little queasy so I thought I’d come here and calm my stomach.”
“Laney,” Doug yelled. “You want to jump in the ocean with us?”
Between feeling like I was going to throw-up and not wanting to take off my POP-orange dress, I didn’t want to go in, but everyone was doing it and I didn’t want to look like a chicken. I thought I should follow along.
“You going to jump in with all of us?” I hoped Donovan would join us, but I doubted it since he was wearing the most handsome suit, evahhh!
“You’re not scared to jump in? You need me to hold your hand, again?” Donovan was teasing me and I liked it. I probably had on my dorky smile but all was good because Donovan was with me and not Jane.
“I’m happy to hold your hand, Donovan, if you’re too scared to jump in,” I teased back. Before he could get a word in, I grabbed his hand and pulled us both into the water.