by Cee, DW
“She’s bloody brilliant, Daddy.”
Michael was so excited that I had finally earned some points with his father, he was squeezing the circulation out of my arm. “Michael,” I whispered. “You’re hurting me,” I said gently without giving him alarm.
“Sorry, Love. I wasn’t aware that I was even touching you.”
The rest of dinner was actually quite enjoyable. Michael regaled us with stories of trying to pack up Ruby’s belongings before coming back home. Ruby had done her undergrad studies at a university not too far from my own and Michael had just finished his business degree at Harvard University of all places. Talk about brilliance, apparently he was the fourth generation of Harvard graduates from his family. Mr. Bennington seem to warm up to me once he realized I was a girl with somewhat of a future.
“May I offer you the car? Finneas can drive you home. After all the intimidating and personal questions I’ve asked, it’s the least I can do for Aleksandra and Michael’s new friend.” Mr. Bennington said these words with a slight curve to his lips. It almost looked like a grin.
“Thank you for dinner. I enjoyed speaking with you and Mrs. Bennington, and I’d be happy to answer any more questions another day. For tonight, though, I think I’ll walk back home. It’s beautiful out and I live very close to your home.”
“Then Michael, why don’t you walk Laney home?” Mr. Bennington’s voice had grown warmer throughout the night. Though he didn’t have that loud and booming personality like my dad, I could feel the love and affection he had for his family. He was a good man.
“If it’s all right with everyone, I’d like to walk home...” Michael’s face fell, again. I didn’t want to see him upset because I understood what it felt like to be continually disappointed, rejected, and hurt. “Thank you, Michael. I’d love it if you’d walk me home.”
Michael steered me toward the river again. “Can I ask why your initial reaction to my offers is to turn them down?”
“When we get to know each other a little better, you’ll see that I’m more of an independent person than I look. I think the blond hair and blue eyes already encourage everyone to believe that I can’t think for myself, or that I’m helpless. I don’t like that stereotype and I’m constantly fighting against it.”
“But you know that’s not what I think of you. You’re probably smarter than most of my business school mates.”
“I like my freedom. And I like to be alone to think.”
“To think? What do you think about? Or is it a whom…that you think about?”
“That would be telling...” I answered slyly. He frowned. “I just like to think. My head is full of happy thoughts, sad thoughts, funny anecdotes, creative fantasies, the next essay I have to edit, thoughts of friendships found, friendships lost...”
“Delaney, I’m sorry I didn’t come see you last night. Really, I am sorry. I fell asleep and when I got up, it was already six in the morning and I knew you had to be at your graduation in a couple of hours so I didn’t call. Why didn’t you stop to talk to me when you dropped by the office this morning? I can’t believe you didn’t give me a second thought before you left for London. Don’t I mean anything to you?”
Oh, Donovan...if you meant any more to me than you already do, I’d be at my last depth of despair. I didn’t need to know that you fell asleep rather than coming to see me and I didn’t want to know that you and Kate slept together.
“You’re doing it again.” Michael stood centimeters away from me. “You have a tendency to go off into your own world and forget those around you. Your face was intensely sad. What was going through that complicated mind of yours?”
“So sorry!” I put on a chipper face. “I was thinking about a voicemail I listened to from home. I guess all thoughts of home make me sad right now.”
“What’s on the calendar for you tomorrow?”
I had to think about that for a moment. This was the first time in years where I had nothing that needed my attention. “I’ve no idea. After I get caught up with sleep, I’ll go out and explore the area, find my new coffee shop, shops for knick-knacks I need until my luggage arrives, maybe find a bookstore and thumb through books. Before I came here, I decided I’m going to enjoy myself this entire year. It’s been a tough four years and an even tougher four plus years if I choose to go to med school. I want to enjoy myself.”
“May I...” Michael stopped himself. I knew what he wanted to say and the uncertainty he felt. It was no fun being on the giving, but never receiving end.
Before he became completely discouraged, I asked, “Would you and Aleksandra want to go to an Indian restaurant with me tomorrow night? I’ve never had Indian food before and that’s on my to-do list while I’m here.”
“You are a wonderful person,” Michael murmured while kissing me on the cheek. I understood what he was grateful about, and I didn’t want him to feel like he was a second-class citizen around me.
“Michael?” He smiled. “Like I said earlier today, I want us to be friends, and possibly good ones at that. Please don’t pressure me into anything and don’t try and take random liberties with me.” To make light of that last statement, I pointed to his lips, then to my cheek, and let him conclude the obvious.
“It’s totally accidental, I assure you. My lips have a mind of their own.” And he did it again and kissed me on the cheek. I could only laugh at this mischief.
“Good night.” I waved.
“Till tomorrow.”
Tomorrow turned out to be beautiful! Everyone warned me of London’s gloomy weather but I thought it was just perfect. Sure there were clouds, sure it was colder than Los Angeles, but when I got up, I looked outside and saw hope and excitement. The only weird part about being in Gram’s home was the solitude. This was something that would take me a while to get used to, as my life had always been full of family and noise.
I talked to Mom, Dad, Emily and Gram last night after I got home. Dad was home early so he and Mom put me on speakerphone, and the conversation mainly went in a circle between them wanting me to come home, and me telling them I’d be home in one year. Gram did her best to explain the house to me and who I could call if I should need help with the plumbing, electrical, the washing machine, the protocol of recycling and garbage pick-up, where to shop for food and clothes, and...she packed so much information in this one call, I had to start taking notes.
My favorite part of the night was the video chat I had with Emily. I didn’t call in time to speak with the twins. I knew this was silly, but the one issue that almost kept me at home this year was James forgetting who I was in his life. He was only one, and the likelihood of him forgetting me was almost guaranteed. Thanks to Skype and FaceTime, I’d show my face as often as possible.
“So, who is this friend you made? I take it he’s a boy?” Emily was able to talk freely once Jake and I finished our greetings.
“Michael and Aleksandra are their names, and I met them when we got off the plane. They gave me a ride home and invited me to their family dinner. It was a full day, yesterday. I’m surprised I got up this morning at all. I thought I may sleep all day.”
“And what does this Michael do?”
“I’m not sure. He just graduated from Harvard business school and his sister recently graduated from undergrad.”
“His family is nice?”
“His family is identical to ours. We are of the same age and order, the four of them have a great relationship, and both Michael and Aleksandra are warm, caring, and funny.”
Emily turned introspective and stayed quiet. “Do you like this Michael?”
“Not yet, Emily. It’s too soon. But he’s asked to court me, and I told him I wasn’t ready for anything of that sort.”
“When you say, ‘not yet,’ that must mean he has an outside chance?”
“Maybe. I don’t know. What I do know is that I understand his pain and frustration whenever I turn down any of his requests or propos
als.”
“You’ve lost me a bit.”
“Every time Michael has wanted to do something with me, yesterday, I said no. And with each of those rejections, I saw his face fall. Maybe the best word to describe it is empathy. It bothers me to see him hurt.”
“...because you like him enough to feel his hurt...” Emily paused, “...or because you’re reliving your hurt from Donovan?” Emily’s voice now got cautious and I could tell she wanted to give me a gentle warning. “Laney...I don’t want you to mistake sympathy and empathy for affection and love. Those two are not even in the same ballpark. I know you’re a kind-hearted soul, and I know Donovan did a number on your heart, but if you can’t appropriately discourage Michael, then you’ll do the same thing to him as Donovan has done to you.”
I understood clearly what Emily was warning. “Thank you for the advice, but I do like this guy enough to want to get to know him. If it leads to something greater than friendship, I’ll take it. If not, I’ll leave it and we’ll remain what we are now—friends.”
After a heart-to-heart with Emily, I finally got around to walking the neighborhood at my leisure and pace. I found a welcoming coffee shop where I bought my morning pastry and jolt of caffeine. Then I went next door to buy a map and London travel guide. Of course everything could be done on the Internet and on my phone, but there was a quaint novelty to walking the neighborhood with a map in hand.
“Laney!” Aleksandra jumped me from behind and scared the hell out of me. “Fancy meeting you here. Mikey’s been dying to call you but you never gave him your number.” She cackled at her brother’s frustration. “You need to thank me, my gal pal. If it wasn’t for me, he would’ve been at your door at dawn’s light.”
“What are you doing here?”
“This is my favorite coffee shop. I stop here almost every morning when I’m home. Today’s a late morning. I couldn’t get myself together enough to get out here before all the scones were gone.”
“Can you tell me if there’s a drugstore around here where I can buy random household items?”
“Of course I can. Are we walking? Finneas is around the corner.”
“Do you mind? It’s so beautiful out and I love this neighborhood.”
“I can do all this for you but I must call Michael. He’ll be livid if he knew I was spending the morning with you.”
“When you call him, can you ask him to pick the Indian restaurant for tonight? I’ll meet you wherever you tell me to go. But…” I didn’t know whether I’d offend Aleksandra by finishing my sentence.
“But you don’t want to spend the whole day with him?”
“Is that rude?”
“It’ll break his heart, but no, it’s not rude.” She laughed. “Hey Mikey…” She was already on the phone. “Guess who I ran into at my favorite coffee shop in South Kensington? Yes and no, you may not join me and my best gal pal till dinner tonight. She would like to have dinner with us. You can pick the time and place and she will be there.” I heard a lot of uh-huhs, then she got off the phone.
“What did he say?”
“As you expected, he wasn’t happy about not joining us, but he’ll live. Dinner will be an early one at five. I suspect he wants to spend as much of the evening with you as possible. I have to warn you, as soon as I show you the store, I need to be on my way. I’m meeting some friends who are visiting from the States.”
“I’ll see you at dinner?” I hoped it wasn’t going to be Michael and me alone.
“I’ll see you at dinner,” she reassured me.
After Aleksandra and I parted, I spent the rest of the morning purchasing odds and ends and I finished settling into this too-large-for-even-a-family-of-ten, home. I stared at my phone for a while knowing there was a message left for me from Donovan that I didn’t pick up earlier this morning. I was still hurting from his last refusal to see me. Tears formed without warning when I thought about waiting for him on the swing all night. Why couldn’t I have learned from all the times he pushed me away? Why did I think that there was always a small chance he may grow to love me? Embarrassingly enough, I’d cried more in the thirty-six hours away from Donovan than when I was back at home. All last night, I couldn’t stop the tears from pouring. I realized it was finally over and I didn’t want to let go, but had no choice.
“Delaney.” The glutton that I was, I had left the message there long enough. I wanted to hear his voice and secretly, I wanted to hope, again. “I miss you.” The tears were uncontrollable now. Why did he have to do this to me? Why tell me he missed me when his actions told me he could care less. “I wish we could have said a few things to each other before you left. Then perhaps you might not have left me.” If he only knew how paramount it was for me to leave. “I’m going to call you when I get up. Please answer your phone, Delaney. I need to talk to you and I want to figure some things out with you. I’m coming to London in a few days. We’ll see each other then and talk, OK? I really miss you, Delaney. Talk to you soon?” With that last question, he understood that I was doing my damnedest to stay away from him. Why’d he have to sound sincere? I wanted that last biting memory of him and Kate. That was what was going to get me through the next few weeks as I put myself through withdrawal.
Mr. Taylor. I am well in London so no need to worry for me. I’d like to start a new life here and am trying to stand on my own two feet without anyone’s help. I’d appreciate it if you didn’t call or visit. Hope you are well. I’ll see you when I come back next June.
That text would hopefully end our connection for a year and allow me to concentrate on myself. After pacing the house tirelessly, I decided to stop staring at the phone since it was still too early in LA for Donovan to have received the message. I left the phone on the bed and decided to hop on one of those double decker tour buses and a get an overview of the city.
After grabbing a quick lunch at the revolving sushi bar at Harvey Nics, I jumped on the bus in front of Harrods and spent long hours listening to the British man talk about everything from the Duke of Westminster owning most of Belgravia to the Shard being the tallest building in the European Union. I got off at one point and walked through Borough Market grabbing a quick drink. Then I traveled further to the Globe Theatre and purchased tickets for the next available show. It really didn’t matter what and when the show was. I just needed a diversion from my heart that refused to begin the mending process.
When I finally arrived back at the flat, I tried to close my eyes to the obvious text waiting for me. I tried so hard, but I couldn’t sever that connection between us, no matter how disgusted I was with myself.
How the hell am I supposed to be well when you tell me to stop communicating with you? What the hell is wrong with you? We need to meet and talk. I don’t care what you’ve written in your text. I’ll see you when I get to London.
Doing my best to ignore the text, I called my mother. “Hi Mom.”
“Laney! How are you? Are you more settled, now?”
“I think I am all settled for now...until the rest of my stuff arrives. Then, it will be a crazy mess all over again.”
“So tell me more about your new friends.”
I was happy to share about Ruby and Michael. “They were on the same flight as me and they live around the corner from Gram’s. Ruby is my age and Michael is Doug’s age. I had dinner at their home with their parents last night and tonight, the three of us are going to an Indian place.”
“I’m thrilled you’ve made friends already, and even more thrilled they live nearby. Are you sure you’re doing OK?”
“I am, Mom. I’m glad I came here. It’s been hard on the one hand, but I know it’ll be a great year of exploration and growth. I’m also thinking about taking some courses at Oxford or Cambridge if they’ll allow it.”
“That’s a splendid idea. Then you’ll meet even more people your age.”
“When would you like to visit, Mom?”
“I’ll talk to your fath
er and come out as soon as I can. The house isn’t the same without you, Laney. The dinner table was like a funeral last night.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t that bad. It’s no different than me having lived in the dorms or the apartments.”
“Speaking of visiting, Donovan mentioned last night he was going to London very soon. Have you spoken with him? He was visibly upset you left without saying a word to him.” I stayed silent, wondering how much to tell Mom. “Laney?” She approached, on tippy-toes.
“I answered his call thinking Doug was calling and spoke with him briefly. Then I texted this morning asking him not to call anymore or to visit.”
“Laney…” Mom reprimanded carefully. “Why the drastic cut in communication?”
“Because it hurts to communicate with him.” I had to stop talking because I didn’t want Mom’s heart breaking knowing my heart broke. “I went to see him late at night before graduation and Kate was the one who greeted me. That’s when I should have bolted out of there, but I stayed and listened to what Donovan had to say. He asked me to wait for him on the swing because he was going to drop by with a graduation gift, but he never came, Mom.” My voice became a whisper and the tears wouldn’t stay away. “I waited all night.” Now I was doing what I didn’t want to do—bawling over the phone with my mother, who probably ached because there was nothing she could do for her daughter. “I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t know why Donovan Taylor needs to speak with me, but I’m done.”
“Laney. Your father and I thought that the way Donovan looked at you the past few months was not any different from the way you’ve been looking at him since you met him. Are you sure you want to be done now? I’m sure there was a good reason why Kate was over at his place and you need to ask him why he never came by, before being so upset with him. Who knows what happened?”
“Donovan and Kate most likely spent the night together and that’s why he never came over. You know I’ve done this too long. I’ve waited, I’ve hoped, I’ve dreamed. I don’t want to do it anymore.”