by Cee, DW
Sure, the back pain worsened by the hour. Sure, my stomach growled all day long. BUT, seeing the warehouse full of people, the machines humming their tunes, and the organized chaos of business being run, I was ecstatic, overjoyed, and overwhelmingly psyched! Every adjective synonymous with the word, “thrilled” ran through my head. I could withstand a backache, bellyache, and even a heartache for the kind of high I experienced running my own shop for the first time. Regardless of how I got here, I was where I had always wanted to be.
Shit. My phone started ringing, again. I was so damn tired of talking to people. I contemplated letting my cell phone ring away but curiosity got the best of me. Good thing I looked; it was Missy on the other line. “Hello, Partner!”
“How you doing?”
“Physically, I’m in hell. Emotionally, I’m in purgatory. Mentally, I’m in heaven.”
“What the hell?”
“Sorry. I’m taking after my niece who likes to talk like she’s the smartest one in the room.” I laughed at my own joke. “If there was a way to cut the back off my body and still be at work tomorrow, I would.”
“That was one nasty spill you took. Have you taken a look at your back?”
“No. I’m too chicken to look.”
“I called to tell you that we closed the shop and everyone left happy. Everyone will be here bright and early tomorrow.”
“Thanks for your help, Missy. Assuming I can lift myself off the bed, I should be at the warehouse by six.”
“What the hell for?”
“There’s so much I didn’t finish because Nick pulled me away before closing.”
“You want to talk about him?” She knew I didn’t. “I tell you what—if you need to talk, call me anytime.”
“Thanks, Missy—for everything.”
That was easy. I knew there was a reason why I chose to work with her.
I started up the stairs again when this time, the home phone rang. Back and forth, back and forth—I hesitated but answered the phone.
“Auntie, are you sure you don’t want to spend the night with us? I’m not a doctor yet, but Dad is next door, and Donovan and I can take care of you.”
I smiled at my sweet niece’s thoughtfulness. “I love you and Donovan for being my family and my friends, but I really just want to sleep in my own bed. I promise to call you if I need help.”
“You promise?” Laney was right to doubt. I wouldn’t bother them unless it was a life and death situation. I never liked feeling helpless.
“I promise,” I answered with a lie.
“The warehouse looked awesome today! I can’t believe how much had changed in the few weeks I hadn’t been there. Are you happy with the results?”
“I’m thrilled, and I owe it all to you and your hubby. I thank you for sharing your good fortune with me. I hope to be able to pay it all back with interest one day.”
“The only form of payment we want is happiness—your happiness.”
“Aside from my back, I’m extremely happy and busy.”
“What about Nick? You called him after your accident…” Laney left the subject open, and I knew she’d have no objections if I didn’t finish the thought.
“To be honest, as soon as I realized I needed help, Nick was the only person I wanted to call. But once I called, I realized it was a bad idea. He isn’t my boyfriend…he isn’t exactly my friend…he isn’t anything to me anymore.” Why did talking about Nicholas Reid always hurt?
“What you both are is stubborn. Tonight of all nights is not the night to reprimand you concerning your ways. If you’re happy with or without Nick, I’ll not say either way.”
I was about to explain more but the phone beeped and Luke was on the other line. “Laney. I need to answer this other call. Talk to you later?”
“Hubby and I’ll drop by tomorrow.”
“I’d like that. Bye.”
Before I hung up with Laney, I braced myself for this call. My call to Nick last night was more than telling about my feelings concerning Luke.
“Beatrice? Hello, Bee?”
I didn’t realize the call had switched over. “Yeah. It’s me, Luke.”
“How do you feel, Beatrice?”
“Like shit.”
“I wish you would’ve let me stay and help you.”
“I honestly haven’t had a moment’s rest since I woke up this morning. Someone’s been in my face or needing my help all day today. What I craved more than anything was peace tonight. It was nothing personal. I’m sorry if you took my actions in any offensive way.”
“How did you hurt yourself? Donovan mentioned you hurt your back?” I explained what I believe happened. “I wish I could’ve been there last night to help you…” I knew how he wanted to end the sentence he held back.
“Luke.” I wondered if rather than ending his sentence for him, it was time to end our time together. I struggled to make any decisions because I liked what I had with Luke. We gave each other space and we had fun without any baggage. But, stupid me still wanted more. “I wish I could tell you that I called Nick because you were in New York, Donovan and Laney were at their beach house, and my brother and his wife were in Chicago. None of that would be incorrect, but the more correct answer would be…I called Nick because his was the only number that came to mind when I was in trouble. My mind and body reacted before the heart—or maybe the heart reacted first. I don’t know. What I want to tell you is that…” I wanted to tell Luke to forget me because I was not worth the headache. What was left of my wary heart still belonged to Nicholas Gerald Reid.
“Can I come see you tomorrow? I can pick you up and take you to work. I’ll take a personal day and be the perfect personal assistant, Beatrice.” He sounded like his usual fun-loving self.
“Tomorrow will still be crazy. You don’t need to take a day off, as I wouldn’t begin to know what to do with an assistant. Why don’t we get together over the weekend if you’re not too busy.”
“I will clear the weekend for you.”
“OK.” I sorely—in every sense of that word—needed to get some rest. “Would you mind if I got off the phone and went to bed?”
“Of course not. But, you promise to call me if you need help?” His voice was now insecure.
“Sure.” Another lie—it was just easier this way. “Good night.”
I wondered how I’d sleep tonight without any help. I had no idea how I’d even lay myself down; I was in so much pain. This weekend, or sometime when I had the time to think, I’d reassess my situation with Luke and tell him how I felt.
It was a telling sign when I desired to take care of myself first.
Before I could mull over my situation, this time the doorbell rang rather than the phone. Slowly, I moseyed back downstairs to the intermittent knock and ring.
I opened the door to find another conversation I’d like to avoid.
May 15, 2014 NICK: “Brave” ~Sara Bareilles
“Nick. What brings you back?”
“I didn’t feel right leaving you tonight. Before you went down for the night, I wanted to make sure you were comfortable. I’ll leave when you’re good and settled.” By my firm statement, Bee should understand I wasn’t backing down.
She sighed and answered, “Come on in. You might as well eat all the food I ordered for you. It came as soon as you left.”
Her tiny dining table was littered with all my favorites. She had called in food from three different restaurants and filled the hodge-podge dinner with only the dishes I liked to eat. “Have you eaten?” This time, I asked with concern rather than anger.
She shook her head no, and gingerly sat herself down next me. “Let me get us plates.”
I stopped her from moving, and kept her firmly in the chair. “I know where the plates are.” The short walk to the cabinets gave me time to fine-tune what I needed to explain. I wanted to tell her everything—how I felt, how she made me feel, and how I hoped she’d feel
.
“You get lost in there?” She laughed, knowing her place was so tiny, it was impossible for anyone to get lost.
When I returned, Bee looked exhausted and uncomfortable. I walked upstairs to grab a pillow off her bed and placed it behind her back so she’d be more comfortable. Seeing her grimace, I decided not to say anything heavy at the dinner table. I’d get a chance eventually.
“How was today at your new warehouse?”
Her smile was genuine and beautiful. “It was awesome, Nick. It was the most exhilarating feeling knowing all my products would be created, developed, and made in-house. Once the fabric dyeing gets in full swing, we’ll even make many of the fabrics in-house. I’ve never been so excited about anything in my life.”
I was never more thrilled for anyone than I was for her. “I’m proud of you, Bee.”
It was disheartening to see her look of surprise. She never did understand how much I respected her.
“Thanks.” She answered quietly.
“Have you taken a painkiller?” I changed the subject to alleviate this awkwardness.
“Yeah. I popped a pill right before you showed up. My body is completely stiff from a combination of all my wrongdoings today.” She chuckled lightly, while inhaling her food.
“When you’re done, I’ve brought some large compresses for you to place on your back. Let’s start with the hot and loosen you up, then move onto the cold to numb you if the meds aren’t working. I’m tempted to tell you to take two pills since your pain is probably extreme.”
“If you’re ready, let’s do it now. What do I have to do?”
“You don’t need to do a thing. Let’s go upstairs.” Bee led the way. “How is it that you are still functioning on so little sleep, no food, and no meds?”
“It’s all adrenaline, but I think that’s coming to an end. I know that as soon as my head hits the pillow, I’ll be out. I have two alarms set for tomorrow just in case I don’t hear the first one.”
“Come here.” I placed my hand on her and helped her onto the bed, on her stomach. Her body was practically squeaking as I lowered her. “Am I hurting you?”
“No,” she let out short breaths when she was forced to use her back muscles to lie on the bed. “It’s OK.” She was a terrible liar. “Where’s the compress?” Her voice was strained.
“Right here.” Taking two out of my backpack, I plugged them into the socket and placed them on her back. “It’s big enough to wrap around. Do you want me to do that?” The bruise on her back looked ten times worse today. It killed me to see her in pain.
“Yeah. Let’s wrap it. I think the bruise has spread.”
Wrapping the compress completely around her, I placed myself on the other side of her bed and she turned her head to look at me.
“Have you seen your bruise?” She shook her head no. “It’s gnarly.”
“I know. It feels like all the world’s anger is being taken out on my back today.”
“What can I do for you? How can I possibly make this easier for you?” Those words came from a heart that felt broken, a mind that felt helpless, and a body that felt frustrated.
She slowly brought her hand over mine, squeezing it tenderly, and answered, “You just being here makes it better. Thank you.”
Tears glistened her eyes. This tough woman, who had been strong by herself for too long, broke my heart. I finally understood what my brother felt when he had lost his girlfriend who had nowhere to go. His anguish over Emily being alone in this world was what I felt watching Bee fighting for her place as a business owner, a designer, and as a woman who eventually wanted what all women wanted—a home and a family to call her own.
I lay next to her without breaking our bond.
“Growing up as a Reid on the cul-de-sac, I took for granted the comforts of a home, a family, and built-in friendships. Grandpa Jerry bought the cul-de-sac and gifted each son a home. Each son did his duty and became successful enough to provide not only love, but also a good education, trips, and just about any reasonable material goods.” Bee had no idea where I was going with this. In truth, I wasn’t completely in-the-know either. As I continued to hold her hand, reaching over to stroke her hair with my other hand, I knew this was the right time to explain my feelings. “When you have grandparents, then and now, who set wondrous examples of how a relationship should work, on the one hand, you’re in awe, but on the other hand, it scares the shit out of you.”
“…out of you, not any other male in your family.” Bee got that jab in.
I chuckled. “Yeah, out of me.”
“Is there more to this bedtime story?”
“When I look at my grandparents, my parents, my brother and Emily, my sister and Max, and my cousin and her husband…” I paused feeling too vulnerable to continue. Bee squeezed my hand again in encouragement. “…I feel incredibly inadequate as a person and as a man.”
“Explain, please.”
“To me, loving a woman comes with the responsibility of being able to take care of her. My father could marry Mom while in residency because he had a roof over their heads already. Jake could freely pursue Emily because he knew he could take care of her. Max, though he’s still a student, has a home and an income from his investments. And then there’s the freak of nature cousin and her husband. Had he not already been successful, I don’t know that he could’ve picked up his life and moved to another continent, twice, to pursue his love. Do I make any sense to you?”
“I understand what you’re saying, but I don’t understand why you’re saying it.”
“What I’m trying to say is that I’ve nothing to offer you, Bee Taylor. Me, myself, and I are it, and I don’t feel that’s good enough.”
“Why would you offer me anything, and why aren’t you good enough, and what aren’t you good enough for?” She still didn’t get it.
“All those times I told you I didn’t ‘do complicated.’ What I really meant was, I don’t have anything to offer a long-term relationship. As much as I’d like to settle down one day with…you…possibly, I can’t do that until I can bring something substantial to the relationship.”
“And you don’t think you’re substantial enough?”
“I’m built to do research, rather than to work with people. That’s my passion. If I’m to head that way, it’ll take even longer to make any money. I still get a damn allowance from my parents and grandparents,” I spit out in anger. “My brother already has three kids and two homes.”
“Nick.” Bee caressed my face. “Maybe if I get a bit older I’ll think differently, but as of now, I’ll tell you that most women don’t care how much money the man they love makes. We women only want to know that we are loved and cherished.”
“I needed to tell you tonight that what scares me the most about loving and cherishing you is that I won’t be able to take care of you—at least not for a very long time. That’s why I have that ten-year timetable. At about that point, I should be ready to provide for a wife and kids.”
Bee laughed. “I’ll be forty in ten years, and I won’t be able to have kids.” She laughed some more, which wasn’t good for her back. “Why are we talking about a relationship between you and me when you have a girlfriend back at home?”
“That’s another thing I need to clear up. Lily and I are not boyfriend-girlfriend, and I didn’t ask her to move in with me. It was my damn cousin, Sam, who opened her big mouth and invited her. Yes, she’s my roommate, but no, she’s not in my room as a mate.” Bee didn’t give up one bit of how she was feeling about my confession. Poker faces must run in the Taylor family. “I haven’t done much with her because I felt like I was cheating on you,” I confessed. “Do you understand what I’m trying to say?” I asked, totally frustrated from the lack of reaction.
After some thought, Bee answered with a smile. “I think I might but I’m so sleepy right now, I need you to repeat it to me…tomorrow. Good. Night.” Her hand on my cheek soon went limp a
nd she was off to the other side.
I’d repeat every last word to this woman again and again until she understood and accepted my intentions. For now, I pulled her partially onto my body and placed her where she belonged—in my arms and close to my heart.
May 19, 2014 BEE: “Wouldn’t It Be Nice” ~Beach Boys
Two and a half weeks after my accident, I felt like I was finally on the mend. Missy brought me some homemade Chinese concoction her mother made, and she swore this salve was to her family as Windex was to the Portokalos family in My Big Fat Greek Wedding. It smelled like the garbage can, but it helped with the swelling and the discoloring—or at least I believe it helped.