by Laura John
“You shouldn’t be thinking about retirement yet. You’re not that old.”
“Yeah, but I want to be home with my family more. It sucks having to leave them. I love baseball, but I never knew what life really was until Leah turned it upside down.”
The look on his face when he talks about his wife is something else. It’s the look of pure love and admiration.
I’ve heard of the man Johnny used to be before Leah. A player, kind of like me, but a real asshole.
This man standing in front of me isn’t like who everyone described him as. He’s nice, definitely has a hard edge, but he cares for his team, and is madly in love with his family.
I know he’s a good guy. We all have pasts. I’ve done shit I’m not proud of, I’m just glad I was able to move forward and am where I am today.
I may play the field, but I feel like I’m still friendly even with my exes. They know exactly what it is when we get together. I’ve never wanted a long-term relationship. But I also don’t want to leave a trail of broken hearts. Is it time to start looking for that long-term love?
“Leah really wants to meet you when we get our first home game,” Johnny says with a big smile.
“I’d love to meet your family.”
“Good. We usually do a family brunch at least one time when we are home.”
“Thanks for the invite. I honestly don’t know what I’m going to be doing during downtime except play some video games. It sucks not knowing anyone in Sienna.”
Johnny nods. “Maybe you’ll make a friend. You and Mason actually might have a lot in common. He’s usually at the brunches. You should talk to him.”
I nod, not really sure what to say. I keep thinking about Mason, and it would be fun to talk to him again, or it could be awkward as hell. I’m guessing no one knows he’s gay, and I don’t want to out him, but I know I won’t want to stay away either.
“Get some rest, and I’ll see you tomorrow,” Johnny says, walking off to his room.
I enter my room and thoughts of Mason start swirling around. I don’t know why I can’t get him out of my head. Maybe it’s because I know I can’t have him. If he ever came out of the closet, it might be a different story. But wishing for Mason is like wishing for the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, it’s just never going to happen.
I don’t need to be distracted with thoughts of Mason. Or the way he tasted when he shot his load in my mouth. I grab my hard cock and give it a firm tug. Fuck, I need to get laid. That’s the only way I’m going to get him out of my thoughts. Why is it when I finally start thinking about doing a real relationship, the man in my head is only a pipe dream?
“Are you sure you don’t want to sit in the sky box with us?” Leah whines on the phone as I climb into my car.
“I’m sure. I like my seats better, and then I don’t have to have awkward conversations with your friends. I can drink beer and watch the game in peace.”
I hear her sigh, and I feel a little bit bad.
“I’m still coming to brunch tomorrow,” I add, trying to show her that I do love her.
“I miss you,” she whispers, and my cold heart breaks a little.
I know it’s not right to pull away from her, but it’s difficult now that she’s married. She wants me to be happy in love like her, and I can’t tell her who I really am. I know she’d keep my secret, but she would push for me to just come out of the closet. I get enough of that from Meadow. I don’t need two women meddling in my life.
“I’m sorry, work’s been busy. I’ll make more of an effort to come over. Especially with Johnny gone. I know you have your friends, but I should be there for Eddie. I miss that little guy.”
“And he misses his Uncle MayMay.”
I smile and know that I have to make more of an effort.
“Look, I’m about to drive, so I’m gonna let you go. See you tomorrow. Love you.”
“Love you too, talk soon.”
We hang up and I climb into my car.
“God, can you please make me straight. I don’t know what I did to piss you off, but I just want a normal life. I want to fall in love with Meadow and want her body like I want Xavier.”
I stare at the sky and let out a large huff of air. I’ve said a similar prayer almost every day since the day of my first kiss in that bar, all those years ago. I’m still gay, so I guess it doesn’t work. Either God isn’t real, or he doesn’t give a fuck about me.
Meadow: Take pictures of some asses for me.
I smile at her text and look out at the field. Our team is warming up and there are a lot of very nice asses.
Me: Come to a game. It’s better in person.
Meadow: *frowny face emoji* You know I don’t do sports.
Me: But the atmosphere is like a drug. You’d love it.
Meadow: I’ve told you before, you come to a gay bar with me, and I’ll come to a baseball game with you.
Me: Hard pass.
Meadow: *laughing crying emoji*
Meadow: Well, I guess I’ll never experience this high you speak of.
Meadow: Send pics.
I laugh and snap some pictures for her.
Meadow: *fans self* Thank you, Those are spank bank material for sure!
Me: Enjoy. Now leave me alone. The game is going to start soon.
Meadow: Take more pictures!
Me: Bye.
Meadow: Love you.
Me: Love you too.
“Damn, Xavier Briggs is hot,” a pretty brunette sitting beside me says to her friend.
“You know he isn’t my type, or yours,” the blonde says back.
The brunette shrugs.
Xavier might not be the blonde’s type, but he is mine. He’s hot, and he sucks cock better than anyone I’ve ever been with.
The team leaves and the kiss cam starts circling, looking for couples. My brain flashes back to when my sister kissed her best friend because she didn’t want to kiss the creep sitting next to her.
I look up, and the camera is pointed at me and the brunette. She blushes and bites her lip.
“I’m game if you are,” I say with a shrug and a smug smile.
She nods, and I lean in and kiss her lips gently.
The crowd cheers and people behind us catcall us.
I go to pull back, but she places her hand on the back of my neck and slips her tongue out to lick my lips. I open for her and she moans into my mouth.
I know I shouldn’t be leading her on like this, but maybe she’ll be the one to change me. Her forwardness is a turn on, but it’s because it reminds me of the baseball player I haven’t been able to keep my eyes off of. I think of him pushing me against the wall and I’m growing harder by the second.
She pulls back after a minute or so of making out.
“I’m Heather,” she finally says, her cheeks flushed and her chest rising and falling quickly from her rapid breathing.
“Mason,” I say with a smirk.
“Sexy name for a sexy man.” She bites her lip, devouring me with her eyes.
“And you are a beautiful woman,” I tell her, and she blushes.
“I’m not normally this forward, but how about you come back to my place after the game?” she says with a giant smile.
I should say no, tell her I’m not interested, even though she is very pretty.
“I’d love to,” I tell her, leaning down and placing a kiss on her cheek.
Her friend mumbles something under her breath and crosses her arms.
The rest of the game goes by in a blur. Heather keeps touching me and sneaking a kiss here and there. When my attention isn’t on Xavier or the game, I notice Heather’s friend looking more and more upset, but I don’t know why.
I want him so badly, I can’t get him out of my thoughts, but I can’t do it. Instead, I’m heading to Heather’s place for a night that I’m going to regret.
“Want to grab breakfast?” Heather asks, pulling a dress on as I pull on my pants from yesterday.
&nb
sp; “Sorry, I have brunch with my family,” I tell her, grabbing my shirt from the ground.
She stares at me with a smile, and I know she is waiting for an invite.
“Would you like to join me?” I ask, like the asshole I am.
She’s been gushing all morning. About how last night was the best night of her life. About how she really likes me, like she even knows me.
She doesn’t know that I was thinking about a man while I fucked her from behind. She doesn’t know that we can never be happy together. But I’m a desperate man and bringing a date will get my sister off my back.
“Thanks for asking. I’d love to!” She rushes to the bathroom to get ready. I grab for my phone.
Me: You’re going to hate me.
Meadow: What did you do?
Me: Slept with a woman and invited her to family brunch.
Meadow: You’re a fucking idiot.
Me: I need to get Leah off my back
Meadow: By leading on an innocent girl?
Me: I’m sorry. I’m sure she won’t be that upset when I end it.
Instead of another text, my phone starts buzzing with Meadow’s call.
“I can’t talk,” I whisper when I answer.
“I don’t give a flying fuck. You are not doing this, Mason. I thought you had moved on from trying to fuck yourself straight,” she yells into the phone, and I’m thankful Heather is blow-drying her hair.
“I was, but I couldn’t get Xavier out of my head, and Heather was there, and we kissed on the kiss cam, and one thing just led to another.”
“One thing does not just lead to another. You made decisions that you have to live with. If you bring that woman to family brunch, she’s going to think she has a future with you, and she doesn’t.”
I sigh; she isn’t wrong.
“Well, what am I supposed to do now? I already invited her, Meadow.”
“You tell her plans have changed. This is wrong.”
“It’s just one brunch. I’m not asking her to marry me.”
Meadow growls and I try not to laugh.
“Do not lead this girl on,” she finally says, sounding defeated.
“I’m not trying to, but maybe she’s the one. The one who will make everything all right.”
Meadow laughs a humorless laugh. “Yeah fucking right. If anyone was the one, it would have been me. You’re not straight. You are gay, Mason. And that’s okay.”
“You’re gay?” Heather asks from behind me.
Fuck, I didn’t hear her come out of the bathroom.
“I have to go,” I say, and end the call.
Fuck, I’m such a jerk. I led this beautiful girl on, and now she’s probably crushed. I take a deep breath before looking into her eyes.
“I’m sorry, Heather. I shouldn’t have come here or invited you to brunch. I’m an asshole.”
I stand to leave, but she places her hand on my arm, stopping me.
“I’m gay... too,” she whispers, a tear falling down her face.
Shit, I did not see this coming, but I stay quiet while she continues.
“I come from a very Christian family, and I thought it was a sin. I’ve been trying to turn myself straight for years, but it doesn’t work. My best friend is really pissed at me for last night. She’s the one I was at the park with yesterday. She’s also gay, but not in the closet. I love her but refuse to try a relationship with her. I’m also an asshole.”
She sits on her bed and I sit next to her.
“What happens to you if you come out of the closet?” I ask her.
She hangs her head. “I lose my family, my job, and a lot of friends. What happens to you?”
“Not as much as you, to be honest. I’d keep my job, my family and friends wouldn’t care, but I’d lose a promotion and let my father down. All he ever wanted was for me to be partner at the same firm as him.”
“Your dad doesn’t want you to be happy?” she asks, leaning her head on my shoulder like a close friend.
“He would have. He passed a while ago. I never told anyone in my family who I really was, and I’ve spent so many years working my ass off for this position.”
“Does it make you happy?”
I shake my head. “Not at all. I hate working so much, pushing everyone away. I barely see my best friend; I’ve missed out on really watching my nephew grow up, and I’m lonely as fuck. I would love to have someone to snuggle and watch shitty TV with.”
She giggles, but it still sounds sad.
“I’m miserable, I want so badly to stop caring, but it’s hard. I’ve lived my whole life believing being gay was wrong. I prayed every single night, asking for God to stop these thoughts, to change me, to make me straight. But every day I wake up and I’m still gay. I still lust after my best friend. She knows it, and she wants me, but she’s waiting for me to be ready.”
More tears run down her face; she takes in a shaky breath. “We kissed once, and I felt like my insides were on fire. Everything made sense. I felt like the world was finally right. But I ran out like a coward. She never brought it up, but she hates it. I try to act straight and hook up with random guys. I know that isn’t right, but I just keep hoping one guy will come along and make me straight.”
I can’t help it, but I laugh. “I’m sorry to laugh. I know it’s not funny, but you are pretty much the female version of me right now. The very first time I kissed a man, I knew for sure that I was gay. I felt the very same thing you did, but I didn’t stay friends with him. Instead, I ran and worked my ass off to be an amazing lawyer. For a while I stayed close with my family, dating girls, trying to find the one. And I found an amazing one—she was the one I was on the phone with. She’s my best friend and one of only two people who know I’m gay, well, three now.”
I give her a smile. “There is no changing us, and there is nothing wrong with us. If there was a way to change, you’d think someone would have found out and done a Ted Talk about it already.”
This earns another giggle from Heather.
“Can you stay with me while I call Esther and apologize?” she asks, with hope in her big brown eyes.
I nod with a smile. “Of course.”
After a short phone call and a thirty-minute drive, Esther shows up and I grab my coat to leave. I can tell the moment Esther grabs Heather and squeezes her tight that they love each other.
“I love you, Esther. I’m ready to come out to my family. Fuck doing what they think is right, I’m done being miserable. I want a life with you. Everything else will work itself out.”
Esther grabs Heather’s face and kisses her with so much love my heart hurts.
“I’m proud of you, Heather,” I tell her, as I turn to leave.
“You can do it too, Mason. Fuck what society says. Fuck getting that promotion. Find someone to love and don’t let them go.”
A pang of hope spreads in my chest before I smile at her and walk out the door.
Heather is changing her entire life to be with the one she loves. Why can’t I do the same? She’s the bravest person I’ve ever met, and she makes me want to be brave too. I want to say “fuck you” to the world and do what I want, but there is still a part of me that is terrified.
“Thanks for coming,” Johnny says with a wide grin when he opens the door.
“I’m excited to meet your family, and I don’t know anyone, so it’s not like I had anything else to do.”
Johnny laughs, and I follow him into the backyard, where a bunch of people are hanging out.
Of course, I scan the crowd looking for Mason, but he’s nowhere to be seen. Why the fuck do I even care if he’s here? Why can’t I stop thinking about him? It was one fucking blow job, it shouldn’t be that big of a deal. But it is. I hate that he won’t get out of my head. I hate that he’s in the closet. But most of all, I hate that I can’t have him.
“Here is my beautiful wife, Leah,” Johnny says, grabbing a beautiful woman by the waist and placing a kiss on her cheek. I can definitely see the
family resemblance; she has the same eyes as Mason.
“Hi,” she says with a giant smile. “It’s so nice to finally meet you. Johnny says you are one of the best and he doesn’t give out compliments easily, so I know it has to be true.”
I smile, loving the ego-stroking.
“Well, I am pretty amazing; I don’t know if the team would make it to the World Series without me.”
“Shut up, asshole. You don’t want to jinx us. It’s still early.”
I laugh. “I’m confident enough to make the statement. We will be going to the World Series this year, but I won’t say we’ll win it yet.”
He laughs and shakes his head.
A very good-looking couple approaches us, giving Johnny and Leah hugs.
“These are our best friends, Mikey and Tia,” Johnny says, and my jaw drops when I realize who it is.
“Shut your mouth or you’ll catch a bug in it,” Johnny tells me, noticing my shock.
“Sorry, man. It’s not every day you meet one of your favorite musicians.” I turn my attention to Mikey and reach my hand out. “I’m Xavier Briggs. I’m a big fan. It’s nice to meet you.”
Mikey Ecosta is a huge rock star, and I’ve been listening to his music for years. I don’t get star-struck easily, but today I’m a bit taken back.
He smiles and shakes my hand, “I’m a big fan of yours as well. You’re gonna take our team to the World Series for sure.”
I give Johnny a smug smile and he just shakes his head again.
“Food should be arriving soon. I would have cooked, but I wanted to spend as much time with my husband as possible today,” Leah says, squeezing Johnny.
The way Johnny and Mikey look at their wives is how I want to look at someone one day. It’s pure love, and I desperately want to see it in someone else’s eyes as they look at me.
Johnny talks about his wife so much that I have started wanting a real relationship. No more meaningless hook-ups. I want someone to be so in love with me they can’t help but talk about me. I want to have someone invade my every thought, someone I can’t wait to get home to. I want that everlasting love. Now, I just need to find someone to do that with.