He’d hurt her too badly and the knowledge gutted him. He curled his hands into fists, barely containing the self-directed anger building within him. Barely restraining his urge to run to her and haul her into his arms and beg her forgiveness.
He had to do this properly.
He didn’t want her to kneel in front of him. He wanted her to stand beside him. He needed her beside him. She strengthened him and he hoped he could strengthen her.
For so long she’d been able to hide behind those walls. Self-contained and in control, masking her emotions, trying to bury everything so deeply so nothing and no one could hurt her. But he knew her walls were built with the thinnest of glass now and with one false move of his, they’d shatter. He didn’t want to do that to her. Not here, not now. He’d hurt her too much already. He’d never seen anyone as brittle and as fragile. Or as determined.
So while he was filled with pain for hurting her, he was also consumed with pride and awe. Because she walked towards him smoothly, hidden courage lifting every step. She was loyal and considerate and frankly loving, even when he didn’t deserve it.
He was determined to deserve it. And he was determined to show her how much she mattered.
Hester couldn’t hold Alek’s gaze. He looked so stern it scalded her heart. The last thing she wanted was to walk towards him in front of the world. This packed room was enough, but this was being broadcast again to millions over the Internet. But she had to lead the way for the rest of the citizens in his kingdom. Tradition dictated she display deference before him. Before all of them.
Her blood burned as she kept her eyes on the floor. Slowly she walked to the edge of the dais on which he stood in his cloak and crown. She couldn’t look at him even then. The media would probably interpret her body language as submission and that was fine by her. Because she didn’t want anyone to guess that it was pure pain and hopeless love.
Slowly she knelt before him. There was a moment of complete silence, then she heard movement as all those people behind her lowered to their knees as well.
She couldn’t bear to look at him. It was all just a pretence anyway—just the part she’d promised to play. She’d grit her teeth through the final act and in a year’s time she’d leave and, fingers crossed, never see him again.
‘Hester.’
His soft call was a command she had to obey. Looking up, she saw he’d moved closer, right to the edge of the dais. But his solemn stare still left welts on her heart.
‘I will not let you kneel before me.’ His harsh whisper rasped against her flayed skin, stinging like salt rubbed across raw cuts.
She stared at him blankly.
He bent and took her hand and tugged, but she frowned and didn’t move. With an impatient grunt he put his hands on her waist and physically lifted her to her feet, pressing her against him for the merest moment.
‘What—?’
‘Not long and we’ll be alone, Hester. Trust me until then, okay?’
It was the quickest whisper in her ear so that no camera could capture the movement of his lips and no distant microphone could amplify the secret speech.
Why was he insisting she stand? Why he was going so far off-script of this massive pantomime they’d been preparing for?
Murmurs rippled across the crowd behind her. The courtiers and guests had remained kneeling, but they were looking up. Alek had stepped to the side briefly but now turned. She saw he held a crown in his hands—a smaller one than his but no less ornate.
He met her gaze for only a moment before looking beyond her to his wide-eyed citizens.
‘Allow me a moment to explain,’ Alek said. ‘I am proud of Triscari’s traditions and I will honour them but I also look forward to building new ones.’ His face was ashen and his smile so faint. ‘I do not wish for my most important partner to bow before me.’
Another murmur rippled across the crowd, but Alek kept talking and they silenced.
‘It is a bittersweet time, this coronation, because it only happens because we have lost my father and he was a great king. He was devoted to our country and you, his people. But he was also a lonely man after my mother died. As my sister is, my mother was intelligent, progressive and loving. Losing her was very difficult for us as a family. We do not speak of her enough. I will confess, I thought the requirement for the monarch to be married was archaic—that it was a constraint and a form of control. It is only recently that I’ve realised it was never for the country’s benefit, but for my own. To find a partner, a woman with whom I could share everything—riches and rewards, hope and dreams, and also the weight of this crown. So it is my honour, my privilege, to bow before you. To offer my life in service to my people, my country. And finally to offer my love to my Queen—Hester.’
Vaguely she heard cheering through the stone walls—the crowds outside were shouting his name over and over again. Not just his name. Her name too.
‘Alek and Hester!’
‘Alek and Hester!’
‘Alek and Hester!’
Now he was staring straight at her, willing her to move. She couldn’t ignore him, yet it hurt, this public display of unity that was so false. But his intense, unwavering gaze and the emotion emanating from him were all-encompassing. Surely it was something she had to reject?
But she couldn’t. Not because of the crowds watching, but because of him. He compelled her to move with just that promise in his eyes. And even though she couldn’t trust it, she couldn’t deny him. So she stepped forward and took her place on the dais beside him. He turned and placed the crown on her head—the fine-wrought gold the delicate mate of his.
To her amazement, he then bowed before her. Without prompting, without even thinking about it, she dropped into a curtsey before him. They rose together and he reached out to take her hand. This was good because the air was rushing around her and she felt faint. To the beat of those chanting voices, they walked the length of the grand hall and out to the balcony. Time sped crazily as they stood in front of the gathered crowds and the clicking cameras and listened to the hum of reporters broadcasting their commentaries.
Eventually he turned and guided her back into the palace and into the nearest escape room.
‘We need a few minutes.’ He shut the door in the face of the palace official seeking to follow them.
Keeping her back to him, Hester stepped further into the room to gather herself.
‘You...’ She trailed off, realising she couldn’t speak about anything too personal without losing it. ‘That was an amazing spectacle,’ she said harshly, indescribably angry all of a sudden. ‘You really nailed it.’
His muttered oath sounded suspiciously close.
‘Hester, look at me.’ His hands were on her shoulders and he spun her to face him.
His eyes blazed with an emotion she couldn’t hope to analyse and couldn’t bear to face.
‘It’s wasn’t a spectacle,’ he said furiously. ‘It wasn’t some show for public consumption. I meant it. Every word. Not for them. For you.’
She stared up at him, stunned into rigidity.
‘I don’t want to do any of this without you. I was a jerk. I’m sorry. I was never more serious in my life than when I said you are my Queen. You’re who I want by my side, always.’
She got that he thought they were a good fit. That she could complement him. But it wasn’t enough. She shook her head. ‘I can’t—’
‘I know what I offered wasn’t enough for you, Hester. I thought I understood, but I didn’t. It wasn’t until we were apart these last few days that I realised just how hollow my words were. How stupid.’
Her mouth dried.
‘I had my walls too, Hester, I just didn’t realise. All those women? It was avoidance. I didn’t want to get close to anyone and never stopped to think why. You helped me—you opened me up and I realise I never dealt with any of it:
the ache of losing Mother of watching Dad retreat into isolation and control. And that I’d done the exact same thing in my own way. I thought I was so clever when, actually, I’m a coward.’ He huffed out a powerful sigh. ‘I thought you were the one who was shut off—and you were. But you’re braver than I’ve ever been. You realised what more you really need and you decided to fight for it.’
‘That was only because you got through to me. You made me realise how much I was worth. And how much I really want.’
‘How much you deserve.’ His chest rose and fell. ‘I know it’s all been too fast but give me a chance, Hester. Give us time. We’re amazing together.’
Amazing together? She blinked.
‘Hester, I’ve fallen in love with you.’
She stared at him fixedly. ‘That’s not possible.’
‘Why?’ That old smile twitched. ‘Haven’t you fallen for me?’
She swallowed. ‘Yes, but—’
‘The only problem was I couldn’t admit it to myself. I couldn’t admit how much you mattered. I was able to keep anyone from mattering much for a very long time. But you slid into my life and suddenly everything was upside down and inside out. Me, I’m inside out—I’m unable to exist the way I used to. Because it isn’t enough for me any more either. I want you right with me. I can’t stand the thought of losing you. I hate this distance we’ve had.’ He was shaking. ‘I know it’s a lot to ask. I know my life comes with a whole lot of pressure and complication. But you belong here—this could be your home. Stay with me, Hester. Please.’
‘You didn’t really want me to before. Not like this.’
‘Because I was an idiot. Because I didn’t know how to handle my own feelings. Because I was afraid. Losing someone you love hurts, Hester. I didn’t realise how much I was avoiding letting myself love someone. But the fact is, I can’t stop myself and I don’t want to any more. I love you. And I want you to let me love you.’
She shrivelled inside. Not believing him while at the same time wanting to.
‘Is it so hard to believe that I could love you?’ he asked.
‘It’s been a long time...’
‘I know.’ He brushed her cheek with the backs of his fingers in the way that made her feel precious. ‘But I think a lot of other people are going to love you, if you let them. A whole country full.’
That scared her, a lot. ‘I don’t want all that...’ she mumbled. It felt like such pressure and all that mattered to her was him. ‘I just want you.’
‘And you have me.’ He drew in a deep breath. ‘You’re so beautiful.’ He leaned closer. ‘You’re loyal and brave and funny and kind and so very organised.’
She almost smiled.
‘But if you don’t want to stay here, we can work something out.’ He glanced at her. ‘I don’t quite know—’ He broke off.
‘Of course I want to stay, Alek.’ Of course she would stand beside him, do anything she could to help him. Just as she was beginning to realise that he would for her. ‘I want to be with you. To work with you.’
His hands swept to her waist to hold her still, but it was the look in his eyes that transfixed her. She didn’t notice their finery; the gold and jewels faded into insignificance because all that mattered was the emotion shining so clearly in his eyes.
‘I have something for you.’ He unfastened the top two buttons of his jacket and reached into the inside breast pocket. He pulled his fist out and unfurled his fingers in front of her. A small shard of obsidian sat in his palm. ‘It’s from that afternoon at the springs.’
‘You took a piece?’
‘At the time I thought...’
‘Thought what?’
‘That you might put it with that button in your box.’ He gazed into her eyes, his own a little shy. ‘But I wanted the reminder, that’s why I didn’t give it to you then. And now I know we should collect more memories together.’
Little treasures from little moments that meant so much more than any precious jewels ever could.
He put the obsidian in her palm and locked his hand around hers. What he’d given her was beyond precious—it was access to his heart, his soul. And she would always keep it safe. Just as he was offering to keep her heart safe in his hand too.
He was here for her. He wanted her. He loved her.
Her eyes filled as he swept her into his arms. But he kissed the tears away. He pressed her close against him as if he were afraid she’d disappear if he didn’t; his grip was almost painful. But she revelled in it—rising to meet his mouth with hers. To pour every ounce of soaring emotion back into him. She loved him. And he loved her.
‘I should’ve known when I realised I wasn’t terrified by the thought of you being pregnant,’ he confessed with a breathy laugh. ‘I never thought I wanted kids, now I can’t wait. I want to see you cradling our babies. I want to see a whole bunch of miniature Hesters curled up in a big chair and reading their favourite books.’
She laughed through her tears. ‘While mini Aleks will wow everyone with their ventriloquism?’
‘Something like that.’ He pulled her close again. ‘You believe me?’
She rested her head against his chest and wrapped her arms around his waist, needing to feel him against her and know he was solid and real. ‘I will.’
‘I know, we need some time together alone.’ He sighed. ‘But right now we have to go in there for a while. Can you handle it?’ He sounded apologetic.
She lifted her face to smile up at him. They’d have their time alone together soon enough and she couldn’t wait for that magic. But she understood that right now Alek had the obligations of that heavy crown upon him. It was a burden she’d gladly help him shoulder.
His answering smile reflected the joy rippling through her veins. She rose up on tiptoe to kiss him and whisper her absolute truth.
‘I can handle anything when I have you beside me.’
EPILOGUE
Two years later
‘COME RIDE WITH ME.’
Hester glanced up and registered the heat of intent in her husband’s eyes. ‘I thought you had meetings all afternoon?’ she asked, faking cool serenity. But she put down the book she’d been reading and quickly stood.
‘Finished early.’ Alek smiled knowingly.
She knew that smile so well and every time he sent it her way, it hit her right in the solar plexus. He didn’t just love her, he adored her—making her feel beautiful inside and out. And with him at her side, she didn’t just handle everything—all the good and the bad—that life had to offer, she revelled in it.
So now she drank in the sight of him in the black trousers and shirt he preferred to ride in. Sensual attraction fluttered as she felt ruthless desire emanating from him. Their need for touch hadn’t dissipated in the two years since their mad, quick and convenient marriage—in fact it had increased.
After the coronation they’d had to escape—stealing a full month of a real honeymoon at the stud, replying to any arising issues via phone and emails. And even then, upon their return, it had been a challenge to concentrate for longer periods of work again.
Together they’d formed their alliance. She’d accompanied him more on engagements and she’d found a purpose of her own in reinvigorating the city’s literacy programmes. Then, just this year, she’d opened the children’s library of her dreams—using a room in Queen Aleksandrina’s castle, to bring life and love and laughter back to the place, so that more people could take time out there and appreciate the beauty built by an untameable woman who’d refused to fit in.
And every weekend they could, they came back here to Triscari Stud to oversee the breeding programme and take some time for themselves. So now Hester walked with him to the yard. Jupiter was saddled and waiting not quite patiently. They always rode together when staying at the stud even though Hester had learned to ride on her own and actually
found she wasn’t just getting better, she enjoyed it.
Today Jupiter carried them both. Alek steered him in the direction of the clifftop forest that they’d gone to on her first visit here. Hester’s heart sang as, sure enough, they went to the hot springs where they’d come together again in that desperately passionate way. She treasured that piece of obsidian that rested safely in her box. But today it wasn’t only the striking rock formations and steaming water that caught her attention. A circular white tent was set up near the pool and a small sofa actually sat outside in the warm sun, smothered in plump cushions and rugs.
‘What’s this?’
‘Our anniversary escape.’ He tightened his hold on her. ‘Or did you think I’d forgotten?’
‘I didn’t think you’d forgotten,’ she murmured. ‘I thought you were probably planning something for later. I figured your meeting was a cover.’
‘Were you planning something?’
She smiled coyly and leaned back against him. ‘Of course.’
She loved dreaming up nice things to show she cared. Small things, to treat him, and he did the same for her—slowly building their own language of care and love and collecting the trinkets to put in their shared memory box. But this time she had the most perfect secret to surprise him with.
She slipped down from Jupiter and walked towards the tent. Fairy lights were wound around the wooden poles while the interior was filled with fresh flowers and a pile of soft-looking wool throws artfully strewn on a bed. There was a small table with a wicker basket beside it that she knew would be filled with their favourite picnic food.
‘Going for comfort this time?’ she teased him.
‘Going to stay the whole night.’ He nodded. ‘Maybe even two nights.’
She curled her toes with delight. There was nothing better than stealing time for just the two of them. She’d never known such fulfilment and happiness.
‘So...’ He leaned back to look into her eyes. ‘Has my bringing you here caused any problem for what you had planned?’
Shy Queen In The Royal Spotlight (Once Upon a Temptation, Book 3) Page 17