Eddie poked his head out from where he was cooking dinner in the kitchen. ‘Mind?’ he said, incredulous. ‘Why would I mind?’
Nadia smiled. ‘I suppose I thought you might miss me too much,’ she said.
Eddie threw the tea towel over his shoulder and came over to her, leaning over the sofa to issue a kiss.
‘Well, yes, of course I’ll miss you,’ he said. ‘But I presume you’re seeing the girls?’
‘Exactly,’ Nadia said. ‘I’m going to see if Emma can come out to play.’
‘Perfect,’ said Eddie. ‘Maybe I’ll go out with the boys.’
Nadia reached for her phone and messaged Emma:
Nadia: HELLO! Can you do a dinner this week?
Emma texted back immediately – one of the things Nadia liked most about her, and had found so frustrating lately. She’d been taking 48 hours to get back to her.
Emma: What are you thinking?
Nadia: Thursday?
Emma: Ah – I’m heading out of town Tuesday till Friday.
Nadia: For work?
Emma: Yeah! So … Friday? Saturday?
Nadia: Yup! I’ve got Mary’s birthday on Saturday night, but other than that!
Emma: Noted. How’s it going with The Ginge?
Nadia: Don’t call him that! Also, would you hate me if I said how nice it is to have somebody to do stuff with?
Emma: Why would I hate you for that! It *is* nice to have somebody to do stuff with! … I mean, you like him too, though, yes?
Eddie called through from the kitchen, ‘Five-minute warning, babe! Fish Wellington with hollandaise sauce incoming!’
‘I’ll lay the table!’ Nadia shouted back.
Nadia: Of course I like him! Literally, he is plating up homemade fish Wellington as I type.
Emma: Okay, well – enjoy, and I’ll let you know about the weekend later in the week if that’s okay!
Nadia: Okay!!
The next day at work, Nadia made a point of texting Gaby to connect too.
Nadia: Coffee in the lobby in five?
Gaby: Oh babe! I’m on annual leave this week!
Nadia: What!!!!!!
Gaby: I had holiday to use up before the next big project starts and I’m not allowed to breathe without permission. I’m at home!
Nadia: Damn. I need a warning about these things!
Gaby: Lol.
Nadia: Are you around for drinks? Dinner?
Gaby: Some of the time! I’m around at the weekend?
Nadia: Oh. Okay, cool. Yeah, the weekend works! Are you staying home the whole week?
Gaby: I’m going to leave town for a few days – get some fresh air, maybe by the sea. Do you wanna do Bellanger for brunch? Sunday?
Nadia: I do. I’ll book a table so we can sit outside if it’s still warm. I’m loving this ever-lasting summer.
Gaby: Perfect! Thank you!
Nadia: Enjoy your time off. I’m gonna miss you!
Gaby:
The next morning, Nadia felt dejected. It truly was lovely to be seeing somebody, but she wanted to drink and wear lipstick and be fabulous with her tribe. She missed one drink turning into two bottles, and hungover brunches, and being a plus-one to whichever restaurant Emma had to review that week. Still, at least she had somebody else she could spend the time with. Eddie showed up on time, called when he said he would, and they had good sex.
They spent Sundays together, going to the market and getting ingredients that Eddie knew what to do with: he fed her poached cod in pistachio and parmesan crust, and made his own clotted-cream ice cream, and often cooked in double batches so that she could freeze the leftovers in a Tupperware and have it in the week.
She had a sated sex drive, a fridge full of food, and company as the nights drew in.
She was lucky.
She loved love, and what she had was surely going to lead to it. She’d be greedy for wanting any more than what she had. But …
The lab was empty that morning, and with nobody around she pulled up Twitter on her screen, typing into the search bar at the top right: #OurStop
She didn’t do it often, but sometimes, on occasion, she liked to remind herself that the whole letters-in-the-paper thing had happened, and other people had not only seen them, but felt so moved by them that they’d used a special hashtag to talk about them. Nobody had written anything since the last time she checked. It was @Your_London_Gal who had said: I can’t believe the #OurStop guy didn’t turn up, and then asked for forgiveness from her! I wouldn’t write back if I was her. No way. I really wanted a happy ending for them though!
When she’d first read that, Nadia had felt grateful for the support – vindicated in her decision. But reading it now she felt a twinge of regret.
No, she thought. He doesn’t deserve that. She forced herself to focus on the man she did have, chastising herself for being so weak as to search for the hashtag in the first place. Doubts were the ego’s way of keeping us small, she told herself. She forced herself to believe she was allowed to let Eddie make her happy.
Your place or mine tonight? she texted him, knowing her diary was totally open that week and thankful to know Eddie would scoop her up from work and take her on an adventure. She never thought of Train Guy when they were together – not anymore. It was only when Eddie was out of sight that Train Guy sometimes crept into her mind.
Yours, Eddie texted back. I’ll come meet you after work?
She sent back three love hearts and then pulled up the notes app in her phone. She looked at what she had drafted a week ago:
Train Guy: Okay, I forgive you now I’ve made you think about what a fool you made of me, having me wait for you in a bar you’d apparently already left. Consider me furious, and very forgiving. I will allow you to make it up to me, in whatever way you see fit. Coffee Spill Girl x
She weighed up, for the millionth time, the pros and cons of sending it in.
Pros: She could actually get to meet Train Guy.
Cons: It was horribly deceptive to Eddie, who had been nothing but wonderful to her.
Pros: When Train Guy didn’t reply, it would ultimately put that whole thing to bed for her, and she could properly commit to Eddie, and forget him once and for all.
Cons: If she did send it, and he replied, she’d be forced to act, and with her friends being so absent lately she wouldn’t be able to guarantee that she’d make the right choice, because she had nobody to sound it all out with.
She let out a long, low sigh.
She didn’t send the note.
36
Eddie
‘I just get the feeling,’ Eddie said across the table to his best friend, ‘that she’s holding something back. Like, she’s there, sat next to me or walking beside me or opposite me at the dinner table, and we’ll talk and laugh and make jokes and plans, but just occasionally, sometimes, it’s like her mind wanders off and she’s thinking of something – or, I dunno, I guess I worry someone – else.’
‘Oh, that sucks,’ said Callie sympathetically. The two had known each other since they were ten years old, growing up as neighbours, and losing their virginity to one another, but ultimately deciding that they were better off as friends. Callie had come to Eddie’s university one weekend in his first year and met his course-mate, Matt, who just happened to be at the Student Union with them that night, and now the two were married, had two kids, had survived one bout of chlamydia and secured a mortgage on a beautiful corner apartment off Old Street. Matt was across the street with the kids at the park, playing on the swings. Eddie and Callie could see them from where they sat by the window, and waved occasionally.
‘Do I sound crazy?’ Eddie continued. ‘I can’t tell you anything specific, really. It’s just a feeling.’
Callie shrugged. ‘You get a pretty good read on people, Ed. If your gut is telling you something …’ She trailed off. She didn’t want to actively encourage him to doubt his relationship. He’d been so happy when he’d FaceTimed, the weekend after he�
��d met her. Callie knew he looked at the life she had with Matt and wanted it for himself – he’d always been unabashedly romantic. It had just never worked out with any of his girlfriends, for some reason. The six months she and Matt had had to double-date him and Melania were six months she’d had to block out of her mind – that woman was a frozen pea tester, for god’s sake! How had Eddie managed to date a woman whose job was to assess the temperature of frozen peas on the production line! – and she’d understood when that had to end, but most of the other girls had all been nice enough. Callie really felt for him.
‘But maybe you can give it time. If most of the time you have fun, enjoy it for what it is.’
‘Do you think?’ Eddie said. His phone buzzed. It was Nadia. ‘Oh – sorry, Cal.’
‘Hey babe,’ he said down the phone to her.
‘Hey babe,’ Nadia replied. Eddie wasn’t sure when they had started to use the term ‘babe’ with one another, but he liked it. He liked having a ‘babe’. Sometimes he even said ‘baby’. ‘Can you pick up some Sellotape on your way over? I tried to wrap Mary’s gift for tonight, but can’t find the tape.’
Eddie liked being asked to run errands – he wanted to be the guy you could call to pick up bits on the way home.
‘Absolutely,’ he said. ‘Text me if you need anything else?’
‘I will,’ Nadia replied. ‘Are you having a nice time? Did you tell them I’m excited to meet them some time soon?’
Eddie looked across at his friend, watching her watch her kids and husband. He lowered the phone from his mouth and said to Callie, ‘Nadia said she looks forward to meeting you.’
‘Oh!’ said Callie. ‘Us too, Nadia! We’ve heard such great things!’
The unspoken truth between Callie and Eddie had been that the very reason Nadia hadn’t met them yet was because Eddie was still unsure. Or rather, Eddie was unsure that Nadia was sure.
‘I’ve gotta get back to my breakfast, babe, but I’ll see you in about an hour, okay?’
‘Okay! See you soon!’
She hung up.
Callie signalled across to the waitress for the bill, saying to Eddie, ‘You know, it’s only been, like, six weeks. Nobody has to be sure after just six weeks. I know you fell pretty hard at the beginning, but it can take time to grow a love. Maybe she is thinking of somebody else, but doesn’t want to be.’
‘That’s true,’ said Eddie. ‘Like I told you, her ex was a mean sonofabitch. But I’m nothing like him.’
Callie handed the waitress her card and said to him, ‘We’ve got this. Thank you for being such a wonderful godfather.’
Eddie smiled. ‘Thank you, Callie.’ He looked out across the park, seeing Matt and the girls headed back towards them. He wondered if he and Callie had a sort of telepathic married people’s link, wherein Matt knew it was time to come back because Callie had settled up the bill, or Callie knew to settle up because Matt was about to leave the park and come back across with the girls.
‘Uncle Eddie!’ the youngest, Lily, squealed as he emerged with their mother from behind the glass door and onto the street. She ran towards him and Eddie scooped her up. Holding her out in front of him from under her armpits so that their eyes were level, Eddie said, ‘Was that fun? Did you have fun at the park?’
‘Yeah,’ Lily said, kicking her feet with glee as she was suspended in the air.
‘Shall I give you this pound I have in my pocket and take you to the shop?’ Eddie said.
‘Yes! Yes!’ Lily squealed, at which her older sister tugged on the bottom of Eddie’s t-shirt and said, ‘Do I get a pound?’
Eddie put Lily back on the ground and knelt down to Bianca.
‘You do,’ he said, opening up his palm, flat, to reveal two one-pound coins. Bianca took both of them and handed one to her sister, and the pair led the way to the newsagent, discussing what they would buy.
‘Typical Uncle Eddie,’ Matt said. ‘Loading the kids up on sugar and then handing them back.’
‘Ahhh,’ said Eddie. ‘They might surprise you and buy an apple.’
‘You gonna be this deluded when you’re a dad?’ Matt joked, and Eddie rolled his eyes. He didn’t reply, but he thought to himself how much he’d like that – how much he’d like to be a dad. But the woman he was dating – he wasn’t sure she was the one. He watched as Callie gave a wink over the top of his head to her husband, the two of them in their own little world, even if just for a second, their two kids trundling ahead. Their love looked like he wanted his love to feel, but he knew, even though it was inconvenient, that Nadia wouldn’t be to him what Callie was to Matt. Maybe Callie had been right. It didn’t matter that he couldn’t explain it. It didn’t make it wrong. It just meant that right now, it wasn’t perfectly right.
37
Nadia
‘Whatcha reading?’ Eddie said, sneaking up behind Nadia and kissing her cheek as she sat at the bar of the Dean Street Townhouse, nursing an oatmilk latte. The weather had turned colder that late September week, forcing the population of London to switch from light jackets to lined macs, and open-toed sandals to ankle boots with socks. As Nadia had walked across Blackfriars Bridge and up past Somerset House and through Covent Garden, she’d gradually caught a chill on her bare legs that meant by the time she’d got to Soho she needed warming right through. As she’d supped at her coffee she already had a sneaking suspicion that it was too late, that she’d wake up sick tomorrow morning. She really hoped not. She was the grumpiest sick person in the world.
‘Gah!’ she said, flicking the newspaper closed guiltily.
Eddie slid into the spot next to her. ‘I’ve never seen somebody so embarrassed to be caught reading the paper,’ he said, good-naturedly. ‘Were you reading the Missed Connections section again? You’re obsessed!’
Nadia grimaced, trying to look playful. It was true, she did still check the Missed Connections, just in case. (In case of what? she thought. In case some random guy wants to stand me up again?)
‘I just think it’s romantic,’ she said to him, sliding the paper away from her.
‘I think having the courage to chat up a beautiful woman sat alone at a bar is romantic,’ said Eddie, opening the drinks menu. He looked across to her and winked. He liked sitting side by side with her at a bar – it felt like ‘their’ thing, since that’s how they’d met.
Eddie closed the drinks menu again, without ordering, and said, ‘I want to say something. And I don’t think you’re going to like it.’ He looked as though he was in pain – his face was screwed up funny. Nadia had never seen him like this before.
‘Oh yeah?’ replied Nadia.
‘Yeah,’ said Eddie.
She looked at him expectantly.
‘I like you, Nadia. You know that, right? I liked you right from the moment you gave me a hard time when I sat down beside you that night.’
‘I like you too,’ Nadia said.
‘Well. You see, that’s the thing.’
Nadia creased her eyebrows together, struggling to follow.
‘I’m not sure that you do,’ Eddie said.
Nadia didn’t understand. Of course she liked him! They’d spent most of their spare time together for almost two months now. They laughed and cooked and did all the things that couples do. She thought he was fun! A fun, nice guy!
‘Why on earth would you think I don’t like you?’ Nadia said, bewildered.
Eddie stumbled over his words. ‘Maybe I didn’t say that properly. I mean, of course you like me. But I mean – sometimes it feels like you’re … distant.’
‘Distant?’
‘Distant. Like you’re with me, but your mind is somewhere else. I feel like we get on, and have a nice time, but I always thought … I supposed I always thought being with somebody would feel different, you know? Deeper, somehow. I feel like what we have here, it’s fun, and it works, but it’s not …’
‘Deep?’
‘… Yeah.’
Nadia didn’t miss a beat. She knew w
hat this meant. She knew by the way he hadn’t actually taken off his coat, now she thought about it, that he was breaking up with her.
‘So this is it?’ she said.
Eddie shrugged. ‘I didn’t mean for it to be. But I’ve been thinking about it – I can’t lie. I feel like I’ve kind of put it all out there, Nadia – given you all of me, and I don’t get all of you back. It’s a bit embarrassing.’
Nadia reached out to touch his arm. ‘But babe,’ she said. ‘I told you. My ex, he was … I’m trying, okay? I’m really happy with you.’
Eddie narrowed his eyes at her, as if trying to read the spaces between her words. ‘But could you be happier? With somebody else? Because …’
He wasn’t finishing any of his sentences properly. ‘Because you think that you could be?’ Nadia supplied, and Eddie nodded.
Nadia didn’t know what to think. There wasn’t a huge bodily reaction to what Eddie was saying – she didn’t want to throw up, or cry. But her ego was bruised by it. Because what he was saying was that she wasn’t enough. And all her old doubts and insecurities flooded back to her, about how she was never enough, about how no man ever truly wanted her, how she wasn’t as easy to love as other women.
‘I don’t know what to say.’
Eddie half smiled. ‘I guess what I wanted to know is: is there somebody else? Or, do you wish there was? Because I don’t feel like enough for you.’
He didn’t feel like he was enough for her? But wasn’t he saying she was the one lacking? Before she spoke, her tummy did a little leap as she thought: Train Guy. Those notes back and forth that there had been, the anticipation she’d had – it had been exciting. But it was nothing – Eddie was an actual real person, whom she’d talked to directly and slept with and made plans with. She wanted more time to decide, was all. Needed more time to fall for him. She could, if she tried. She was sure she could.
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