by K. A. Holt
0BenwhY: Whoa, right?
0BenwhY: I miss you.
0BenwhY: But, no offense? It’s starting to get hard for me to perfectly remember your face.
0BenwhY: It’s getting all soft around the edges now
0BenwhY: blurring and blending into my brainclouds
0BenwhY: Brainclouds is a Jordan word for when all your thoughts get jumbled together
0BenwhY: Your head gets filled with growing brainclouds of jumbled words
0BenwhY: then some of the words have to rain out of your mouth one by one
0BenwhY: or even in storms of lots of words
0BenwhY: That’s the only way to make room for more thoughts.
0BenwhY: I wish you could’ve met Jordan.
0BenwhY: He’s about as different from me as ice cream is from
0BenwhY: a jet ski.
0BenwhY: he was nice to me today
0BenwhY: and I was kind of mean to him
0BenwhY: and I feel terrible
0BenwhY: and also I got busted doing my ananymous anonomos thing
0BenwhY: so you were right, about nothing being secret anywhere ever
0BenwhY: . . .
0BenwhY: i have so much to talk to you about,
0BenwhY: i need so much advice
0BenwhY: but i don’t know where to start
0BenwhY: it’s all . . . a lot. and then, on top of all that, the lady on the bus scared me.
0BenwhY: if she’s right, and you’re still alive until you’re forgotten . . .
0BenwhY: What if I stop being able to remember the angles of your face?
0BenwhY: What if I start to forget your mahogany voice?
0BenwhY: What if that means one day *I’m* the one who accidentally kills you forever?
0BenwhY: What if I become YOUR ghostkiller?
0BenwhY: . . .
0BenwhY: . . .
0BenwhY: I really like the idea that you’re still alive, though, somehow, in some way.
0BenwhY: My brainclouds are your oxygen.
0BenwhY: My thoughts about you are like CPR.
0BenwhY: . . .
0BenwhY: it’s late and it’s been a wild day and I’m not making any sense
0BenwhY: . . .
0BenwhY: . . .
SBЮBEN: makes perfect sense to me
I jump up so fast,
the chair spins across the floor,
crashing into the wall behind me.
I slam the computer off so fast,
I’m sure it crashes, too:
this system was improperly shut down
files may have been lost
Minds may have been lost, too.
I know it wasn’t him.
It couldn’t be.
It couldn’t be.
I whisper it
so I can hear the words out loud,
so I can really, really believe them.
It couldn’t be.
It couldn’t be.
But . . .
The tiny voice
from the dark shadows
in the back of my mind
slithers awake—
But . . .
But . . .
But . . .
The tiny voice gets louder,
no matter how hard I try
to fight it back,
it starts to even sing
just a little bit,
so that I can hear it louder,
and clearer
and brighter
and bigger. . . .
But . . .
But . . .
But . . .
What if . . .
What if the impossible . . .
What if the impossible just became the possible. . . .
What if the impossible just became the possible, just like
Benicio said it could?
No way.
No how.
It wasn’t Benicio.
I mean, duh.
It couldn’t be.
It can’t be.
His ashes are in that box,
the one right down the hall,
on the shelf,
the center of Mom’s shrine.
My stomach flips
and spins
and crashes in
on itself.
But then . . . who?
How?
Why now?
WHAT
SCHOOL
I do not love
riding bus 315
all alone.
I do not love
not talking to Jordan,
not hearing
every
single
tiny
detail
about last night’s
Fierce Across America episode.
I do not love
making the long walk to school
all by myself,
not laughing
at his stories and jokes.
I do not love
not being able to find Jordan
in the halls before class.
It makes me feel wobbly,
like I’ve lost myself, too,
like I’m only half of me,
wandering aimlessly,
thinking half thoughts,
farting half farts.
Should I keep looking for him?
Should I leave him alone?
How can I say I’m sorry
if he’s nowhere to be found?
The last time we were apart this long
was when we’d never met.
Walking so slow,
not wanting to go to class,
but not wanting to go
anywhere else,
I drag by the beige globs,
I drag through the halls,
I ignore the Ben Who What Whys,
I listen for
DRESS CODEs.
When I pass by
the library window,
I stop for a look.
The Planet Safe Space poster
looms at me.
Still giant,
but different now.
Some of the rockets
have names on them,
and some are almost ready
to plant their one-person colonies
on the face
of Planet Safe Space.
Some of the names
are names of people
who call me Ben Who What Why,
who call Ace Dress Code,
Who like to emphasize
certain words
like IT
when they talk to me
like I’m not
an actual human person
with actual human person feelings.
I go into the library,
and with a quick rip,
I pull off a rocket,
accidentally tearing
the construction paper
just a bit
at the nose.
I take out my gum,
stick it on the rocket
so it fixes the tear,
and so I can stick it back
on the poster
in a much better
position.
I write my name
on the rocket
I just pointed
in the opposite direction
of all the other rockets.
Now my rocket is closest
to whatever adventure awaits
in actual safe space
far away from here.
Ace catches me
on my way to class.
Brought your belt back.
From the other day.
Thanks.
It really helped . . .
bring the whole look together.
I take it without slowing down.
I’m mad at Ace in a way
I’ve never been mad before.
I want to scream so loud
and so long
that my head explodes.
I’
ll probably never
ever
have another day
where no one calls me
Ben Who What Why.
And I’ll probably keep
having days
where all I want to do
is cry.
So, yeah.
That’s probably why I’m so mad.
Whether it’s fair or not,
I blame Ace
for all of the
above.
And ALSO
Jordan is mad at me,
which is the worst
(and which is
technically
my own fault,
but I’m blaming Ace
for THAT, too).
Ben Y?
Ace calls after me,
but I’m already around the corner,
heading to lunch.
As soon as I think
enough time has passed
for Ace to
poof,
go away,
disappear,
I grab a snack
and duck out
of the loud
and smelly
lunchroom,
where I didn’t see Jordan
or Ben B
or anyone
I could trust
to be nice
to me.
I jog to the library,
head to the back,
find a computer,
and . . .
my heart speeds up.
I don’t like to visit the cabin
when I’m at school,
and I know it’s impossible
to talk to actual Benicio,
but I want to
so badly
it almost
physically
hurts.
Maybe reading the archives will help,
for a minute anyway,
and distract me
from the Not-Benicio
in the cabin chat last night,
and whatever that’s about.
BEFORE
SB10BEN: i talked to mom today
SB10BEN: she wasn’t calling from the moon, so i guess you’ve forgiven her?
0BenwhY: never! i’m going to get your room one day, trust me
SB10BEN: over my dead body, grasshopper
0BenwhY: whatever, drama . you lost your room when you got
SB10BEN: ANYWAY, Mom said you got in a fight at school? What’s THAT about?
0BenwhY: nothing
SB10BEN: doesn’t sound like nothing
0BenwhY: i don’t really want to talk about it
SB10BEN:
0BenwhY: uuuugggghhhhhhhhhhh fine.
0BenwhY: But you stay there.
0BenwhY: I’m going to build a teeny tiny mini planet with starstone and go up there
0BenwhY: I need to feel the world at my feet for a minute
0BenwhY: if I’m going to talk about this AGAIN
0BenwhY: cause I’ve been talking about it with mom for houuurrrrsssss.
SB10BEN:
SB10BEN: how does it feel to know you can build your very own place in space AND have the world at your feet any time you want?
0BenwhY: it feels like i want to feel that way IRL, not just in Sandbox
0BenwhY: Boom! Look how fast I built my tiny planet! How does it feel to look up to ME for once.
SB10BEN: I like your avatar’s shoes, btw. Nice red.
0BenwhY: Thanks.
SB10BEN: So. Now that you’re officially over everything (har har), you want to talk about what happened at school?
0BenwhY: Here’s the thing . . . if I wear red shoes, that doesn’t mean I hate blue shoes
SB10BEN: uh, yes? correct?
0BenwhY: I don’t even hate OTHER people who wear blue shoes
0BenwhY: I’m just a person who likes red shoes.
0BenwhY: I mean, it’s not like anyone has to wear ONLY blue shoes or ONLY red shoes.
0BenwhY: Isn’t there room in the world for all colors of shoes? No color is better than another.
0BenwhY: And no one should tell me what color to wear.
0BenwhY: you don’t get to make fun of me for wearing shoes when you ALSO WEAR SHOES
0BenwhY: They’re just shoes!
SB10BEN: Hey, grasshopper . . . are we still talking about shoes, or—
0BenwhY: We’re all just shoes!
0BenwhY: Or wait . . . maybe we’re all feet?
SB10BEN: And all feet are equal no matter what shoes they wear?
0BenwhY: YES! Except . . . my feet aren’t equal.
SB10BEN: Huh?
0BenwhY: I have eleven toes, remember?
0BenwhY: My feet are literally not equal.
SB10BEN: Well, no wonder you stand apart.
0BenwhY: grooooaaaaannnn
SB10BEN: So that’s what the fight was about? Your shoes?
0BenwhY: well it was about why do people think they’re better than me, when really we’re all—
CHAT INFRACTION
0BenwhY: what was THAT?
0BenwhY: What does chat infraction even mean? it kind of sounds like something a teacher would yell in a libr—
CHAT INFRACTION
0BenwhY: HEY! Make it stop. That’s super annoying.
SB10BEN: oh, whoops. I forgot I added in the new code.
SB10BEN: Something new I’ve been working on. No more than 100 characters per line in chat.
SB10BEN: You should know, on your third infraction you get ejected from chat and you have a 30 min respawn perio—
CHAT INFRACTION
0BenwhY: omg
0BenwhY: this is the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen
0BenwhY: why are you working on this?
SB10BEN: the money guys want to increase game play and decrease chat. they say you can chat anywhere, but yo—
CHAT INFRACTION
0BenwhY: blah blah blerg blerg grown-up talk
SB10BEN: WOW that is annoying.
0BenwhY: grown-up talk or chat infractions? Answer: BOTH
0BenwhY: can’t you just tell them this is a dumb idea?
0BenwhY: 100% of players who’ve tested it hate it.
SB10BEN: I wish I could, but I but I sold my soul to the and now I do what the says in exchange for the ’s money.
SB10BEN: that’s why i built this cabin, so at least I have SOME way to keep creating cool things. I hate that wo—
CHAT INFRACTION
SB10BEN HAS BEEN EJECTED FROM GAME
THIRTY MINUTE RESPAWN COUNTDOWN BEGINS NOW
0BenwhY: omg HARSH
0BenwhY: but not as harsh as when I use my red shoes to kick your butt and steal your bedroom over your dead—
CHAT INFRACTION
0BENWHY HAS BEEN EJECTED FROM GAME
THIRTY MINUTE RESPAWN COUNTDOWN BEGINS NOW
THE LIBRARY
That helped a little,
but it didn’t quiet
the whispering,
taunting
What if . . .
What if . . .
What if . . .
that’s still
echoing
in the back
of my mind.
I click away from the archive
and into live chat.
Not-Benicio
probably won’t be here
at the exact time
I have lunch,
but what if . . .
what if . . .
what if . . .
what if I get some
actual
Benicio
advice
right now
when I need it
the most?
Besides, it wouldn’t be the first time
I stared at a blinking cursor
while I ate some chips
and wished
for the impossible
to be possible.
NOW
0BenwhY: Hello?
0BenwhY: Not-Benicio?
0BenwhY: Any chance you’re around?
0BenwhY: Any chance you’re actually Benicio?
0BenwhY: Or his ghost?
0BenwhY: jk, i know you’re not
0BenwhY: i know that’s impossible
0BenwhY: anyway
0BenwhY: If you *are* around, I have twenty minutes, a bag of chips, and a LOT of questions.
SBЮBEN: What kind of chips?
0BenwhY:
SBЮBEN: I’m not a ghost.
SBЮBEN: I read the chat log from last time
SBЮBEN: you were saying something about a ghost
SBЮBEN: i’m not Benicio, either
SBЮBEN: i don’t even know who that is
0BenwhY: Thank you for confirming that, Not-Benicio, Not-Ghost.
0BenwhY: though any person with a brain knows ghosts aren’t real
0BenwhY: and what do you mean you read the chat log?
SBЮBEN: just from when you were in the cabin last night. not the whole archive.
SBЮBEN: that would be super rude and none of my business.
0BenwhY: WHO ARE YOU AND HOW DO YOU KEEP GETTING IN THIS CABIN????
0BenwhY: I AM VERY CRANKY AND I WANT ANSWERS.
0BenwhY: . . .
0BenwhY: ?????????????????????
SBЮBEN: I just wanted to talk to you. I want to talk to you right now. That’s why I came back.
0BenwhY: that does not answer my question
SBЮBEN: trust me. i’m a good person. who is not a ghost. who wants to chat.
SBЮBEN: what is this? squishy iron? what can you build with squishy iron?
0BenwhY: I KNOW YOU’RE NOT A GHOST.
0BenwhY: you don’t have to keep saying it and saying it.
0BenwhY: the more you say it, the more i think maybe you’re NOT a good person
0BenwhY: maybe you’re a creeper
0BenwhY: and that isn’t squishy iron, it’s an Indestructible Cloud Block
SBЮBEN: what do you build with an Indestructible Cloud Block?
0BenwhY: obviously, if you were Benicio’s ghost, you would know.