“I’m pretty weird,” I said.
She let out a soft laugh.
“A very wise friend told me that weird is good.”
“I’ll have to remember that one,” I said. Neither of us said anything for a moment. I had no idea what went through her head, but all I wanted was to kiss her again. She blinked, as if to clear her mind.
“Any more news about Lexie?”
“Not yet. I’m going to call her mom later,” she said. “Look, I have to be at work soon, but, um, I’ll see you later?”
“Not if I see you first.”
“Yeah, right.” Shit, I’d pushed too far. She was backing away.
“Bye, Charlotte.”
“Bye.”
Chapter Twenty-six
Lottie
“So I did something extremely stupid last night.” I was late for work, but Claudia had already been yelling at one of the other girls, so I’d been able to slip in unnoticed.
I’d already filled Trish in on the newest development with Lexie, but I hadn’t told her the rest. We were both stuck at the cutting counter, and so far, it had been slow, so we were re-arranging the bolts of quilt fabric.
“Did you get drunk and wake up in a strange guy’s bed?”
“Not exactly.” At least the drunk part hadn’t happened, and Zan wasn’t a stranger. He was a known entity.
“Come on, I’m dying here. I was up late all last night doing inventory. Please share something juicy with me.”
“I kissed Zan.”
“You, what?!” Her eyes got so big she looked like one of those bush baby monkeys. Claudia heard her and gave both of us the stink eye for socializing when we were supposed to be working.
“Well, actually, he kissed me, but I let him and then I touched his hair and kissed him back. Not just a little one. We moved into make-out territory. Then we went back to his room, and listened to music and I fell asleep, and we didn’t have sex, and now I’m freaking out. I was upset about Lexie. That’s the only reason I can think of for how this happened.
“I don’t know if I can repeat it. I told him I was going to pretend that it didn’t happen, but I just really need someone to talk to about it. Someone who isn’t involved.”
“Okay, so did you like it? The kissing that didn’t happen?”
“It was…” What was it?
“You’re speechless and blushing, so I’m gonna say that it was good. Did he give you any tongue?”
“No, it was just open mouth.”
“How did it compare to your other kisses?”
It didn’t, which was why things had become so complicated so fast.
“Your silence speaks volumes.”
I bet it did.
“Okay, let me give you a hypothetical.” Not another one. She leaned against the fabric rack.
“Say he’s Stryker’s friend and I invited you over to hang out and he was there and you met. Say you talked and took a walk and he kissed you.”
“And?” I kept my eyes peeled for Claudia.
“Would you pursue a relationship with him, if he didn’t have the baggage?”
I’d asked myself the same thing ever since I’d started being nice to him.
“I don’t know.”
“Yeah, you do. You just don’t want to admit it to yourself.” I pressed my lips together. “You know I’m right.”
She was right. So right.
“Hey! Less lounging, more working,” Claudia snapped as she emerged from her office, her face as dark as a storm cloud.
“He is good-looking, if you like the tall, dark handsome, brooding types,” she said, grinning at me during break.
“He is all of those things.” If only he weren’t so handsome, things would be much easier.
“I’m more of a ‘scrawny rocker’ girl, myself, but I can see the appeal.”
We finished putting the bolts away so we walked back to the cutting counter. “So what do I say to him?”
“Sweets, you gotta go with your gut.”
“What if it’s wrong?”
She shrugged one shoulder. “Then at least you learned something. I also have the feeling that your gut is rarely wrong, Lot. But what do I know?” She smiled and went to help a customer.
What in the hell was I going to do?
***
I called Mrs. Davis after work to get an update on Lexie. It made my stomach twist to realize how much being with Zan had put it out of my mind.
“Hi sweetie,” she said, sounding as if she’d just woken up.
“How is she doing?”
“She’s stable and they’ve moved her into her own room. We’re hoping to take her home in a few days. She’s been asking for you.” The words were sharp. They pierced my heart as if someone had stabbed me.
“Can I come see her?”
“We’re limiting her visitors right now, but maybe in a few weeks when she’s feeling better. Okay, sweetie?”
It wasn’t okay. It was the farthest from okay. What would Lexie think if I didn’t show up? I understood why they were doing it, but that didn’t mean I agreed with it.
“Okay.” The word came out in several syllables because I was trying my hardest not to break down on the phone.
“I’ll let her know that you called. I’m sure she’d love it if you sent a card so she could have it to look at.”
“I will.”
“Thank you for being such a good friend, Lottie.”
“Okay.” I couldn’t find another word to say.
We hung up and my legs gave out and I folded to the floor. A horrible gasping sound filled my ears and I realized it was my own breathing.
How could I have kissed Zan? How could I have considered spending even a second of time with him? How could I?
Lexie had had setbacks and problems before, but this time I felt like this one was my fault. I hadn’t been around as much for her. I hadn’t called her as much as I should, or visited as much as I should have. I got caught up in everything and abandoned her, which was the one thing I’d promised myself never to do.
Tears didn’t come. They almost never did when I cried like this. I cried and cried, but no tears came. Just pain. Blinding pain.
Distantly, I heard a knock at the door, but I was too lost in myself to do anything about it. I couldn’t even uncurl my body from the fetal position.
The knock turned into a bang, and then there was a commotion. More sounds followed.
A pair of warm hands clasped my shoulders and tried to pull me upright. I fought them, but they were strong and wouldn’t let me go.
“Charlotte. Charlotte.” The voice was quiet, but insistent. It penetrated the wall of agony. Somehow.
I lifted my head and met a pair of eyes as dark as the night and as deep as the ocean.
“Hey.”
I couldn’t use my voice just yet.
“What happened?” It took me a moment to put the pieces together, and once they snapped into place, I fought to get away from those eyes, from those hands.
“Whoa, hold on.”
“Let me go! Let me go!” He did, and I fell back in my effort to get away from him. “Just go away!”
He backed off, but didn’t leave.
“I’ll go, but I just want to know what happened. I’m not leaving you like this.”
I held onto myself so I wouldn’t fall apart. “I shouldn’t have done it. I shouldn’t have kissed you. It’s all my fault.”
He crouched in front of me, but didn’t touch me again. “What is, Charlotte?”
“Lexie.”
“What happened to Lexie?”
“She’s in the hospital and it’s all my fault. I wasn’t there for her and then I kissed you and I spent time with you when I should have been thinking about her. It’s my fault.”
He reached out his hand, like he was going to touch my face, but dropped it when I pulled away.
“No, it’s not pretty girl. None of this is your fault.”
“It is. It’s you
rs, too.”
He opened his mouth to say something and then closed it and shook his head.
“It appears to be.”
I used the frame of my bed to pull myself up and crawled onto my mattress, pulling my knees up.
“Please, just go.”
“Okay.”
He left, but didn’t close the door, and I couldn’t bring myself to do it. A few minutes later, there was a soft knock before someone peered in.
Will.
“Hey, Lot.”
I rolled over to see him. “Did he send you?”
“Sort of. I was coming up to see you anyway. My twindar went Code Red.”
Will came in cautiously, but as soon as he sat next to me on the bed, he put his arms around me and pulled me into his chest.
He smelled like home, like safety.
“It’s not your fault, Lot. You have got to stop blaming yourself for everything. None of this is your fault. None of it.”
I put my head next to his heart. “I shouldn’t have done it.”
“Done what?”
“I kissed Zan.”
“Wait, what? Is that what you’re upset about?” He didn’t seem overly shocked.
“Yes. No.”
He put his chin on the top of my head and pushed my hair back. “If there were a prize for taking blame for things that you had nothing to do with, you’d win.”
“Don’t joke, Will.”
“Sorry, Lot.” Pulling my chin up so I could look him in the eye, he said, “The world isn’t going to end because you kissed Zan.”
“Actually, he kissed me.”
That got me a look. “Lottie.”
“I know. It’s still not something I should be doing.” I put my head back into his chest.
“If I ask you a question, will you answer it without me having to call you out if you lie?”
I knew what he was going to ask.
“You like Zan, don’t you?” he said.
I raised my head and met his eyes. I couldn’t hide from them. My mirror, my truth. I’d never been able to lie to Will. Not about something as small as eating an extra piece of his Easter candy or something as big as liking Zan.
“Yeah.”
“Wait for a second.” He stayed totally still, as if he was waiting for something. “Do you hear that?”
“Hear what?”
“Just a second.” He went to my window and looked out. “Unless this is some elaborate computer program designed to look exactly like real life, I think it’s safe to say that the world hasn’t ended because you admitted you liked Zan.”
I pulled a pillow into my arms. I still needed something to hold onto. “I didn’t admit it. You said I liked him and I just agreed with you.”
“Lot. Semantics aren’t going to get you out of this.”
I held the pillow tighter, hoping it would anchor me. “I can’t like him, Will. He’s the last person I should like.”
“Except for Zack.”
“I would never like Zack.”
“Thank God.”
He flopped back on my bed and I rested my head on his shoulder.
“Don’t worry, I’ll put it in our vault.”
Will and I had a special vault for our secrets that only the two of us shared. Even our parents didn’t know the combination.
He made a series of noises that sounded like locking a vault and putting in a key and hiding that key.
“It’s not against the law for you to like someone. It’s not something you can help. Feelings happen, even if they’re not supposed to. You can’t stop it,” he said.
I closed my eyes. “I want to.”
“I know, but I don’t think this is one of the crushes you can just get over.”
“How do you know?”
“Because I know you, and I know how you behave when you like someone and I’ve never seen you like this before, because I’ve never seen you like someone like this before. I could lie to you and tell you that you’ll get over it, but then you’ll know I’m lying.”
“Since when have you been Zan’s biggest fan?”
Will shrugged.
“Since I can see how much you like him. I’m not saying I’m on his side, but I can tell that you like him.”
“Why does it have to be him?”
We were both quiet for a while, thinking.
“Why did Luke Skywalker make out with his sister?” It always came back to Star Wars with Will.
“Because it was a plot device?”
“Because sometimes you have a connection with someone and you can’t explain it right away, but someday, it will all make sense.”
I raised my eyebrows. “So you’re saying that Zan is our long lost brother?”
“What I’m saying is that you don’t know why you’re drawn to him right now, but someday things might fall into place and you’ll realize it was supposed to happen.”
“I think you’ve watched Star Wars too many times.”
He shook his head and hugged me again. “I don’t think you’ve watched it enough.”
Zan
As soon as I knew her brother was taking care of her, I changed my clothes, grabbed my iPod and went running. I was inches away from totally losing it and destroying something greater than my hand, so I had to get out.
With every smack of my feet on the ground, I screamed another expletive in my head.
I’d been so stupid. That whole not-thinking thing had backfired and led to me hurting her. Again.
It had to stop. I had to put a stop to it. I’d been so selfish. She’d already gone through enough and here I was, forcing her to relive it all.
I was the biggest fucking douchebag. Even worse than Zack. At least he’d never tried to kiss her. Not that he hadn’t thought about it. I’d learned quite a lot during his drunk ramblings.
I wasn’t even hearing the music that came through the earbuds. It could have been that awful pop crap that the radio wouldn’t stop playing for all I knew.
That kiss would have to do. That night would have to do. I would never hold her hand again, or make her smile or make her cry.
Maybe I should switch schools. If only Zack wasn’t here, I would. If I wasn’t worried that something else would happen if I left. I’d averted enough disasters in the past to know what could happen if I wasn’t there. If I wasn’t there to clean up after him. Besides, I’d promised Charlotte that I would keep an eye on Zack and Katie. I couldn’t break that promise now.
Filling thought balloons wasn’t going to do it this time. I was going to have to shut those moments away in a place far in the back of my mind and only take them out years from now.
I couldn’t forget her, but I’d have to push her aside in my head. Focus on school, focus on anything else.
I ran until it was so dark I couldn’t even see where to put my feet. I fell a bunch of times, but I got up and kept going. My hands were scraped raw, as were my knees.
I was punishing myself, I knew, but that didn’t mean I was going to stop doing it. I’d just do it without drugs and sex this time.
***
The only way I could push Charlotte out of my life was to fill it with other things, like playing the banjo and running and reading.
I pulled out the camera Miss Carole had gotten me that had been neglected in a drawer and started taking pictures on my runs. I visited the farm and took some of the horses. I didn’t encounter the woman who’d chased me off the first time, but I mostly went to the farm late or early, when fewer people were around.
I filled my life as much as I could, but the other things couldn’t squeeze her out. I saw her a few times, but only at a distance. I’d thought about sending her a note, or something like that to make it final, but I didn’t. I’d accidentally made eye contact with her in class once, and she’d broken it as fast as she could, and that was all the good-bye I needed. I caught her brother looking at me, and it wasn’t with pure hatred. It was almost pity, but that didn’t make any sense.
“You shouldn’t back down,” Stryker said during one of our banjo sessions. He had a habit of starting random conversations with me while we were playing. He was on his banjo and I was on an extra one he’d bought. He claimed it wasn’t specifically for me, that he’d gotten a good deal on it, but I didn’t believe him. It was a pity banjo.
“I can’t put her through any more. It’s not fair to her,” I said, struggling with our current song. He was convinced I could play ‘I Will Wait’ by Mumford and Sons, but I thought he was insane.
“Then you’ve got to decide if potentially hurting her is worth getting laid.”
“You know I don’t want her for that.”
“I know. You love her. In a deep once-in-a-lifetime kind of way. A first love. Maybe an only love.”
I kept my mouth shut because he was right.
“You ever felt like that?” I asked.
He shifted the banjo on his lap. “Not yet. I’ve been looking for the right girl. Haven’t found her yet. Hasn’t stopped me from trying a few out to see if they fit.” He gave me a grin.
“How is that working out for you?”
He plucked out a tune. “I’ve had to return all of them so far. Haven’t found the right fit yet. Trying them on is part of the fun, though.”
Chapter Twenty-seven
Lottie
With some mental gasoline, I set the Zan Parker box on fire and watched it burn, then swept the ashes out of my mind. I added some bleach for good measure.
I wasn’t going to think about him, talk about him or even acknowledge his existence for the rest of my life.
Will told me I was crazy. Simon shook his head in disappointment. Trish said I was fighting the inevitable. Audrey said I should give him a chance. Katie didn’t say anything. Mom suggested Mockingbird, but that reminded me of him, so I asked her for another suggestion, and I got Pride and Prejudice. How my mother knew it was a problem with a boy was one of those mysteries about moms that kids had been trying to solve for hundreds of years.
They all seemed to want to talk about it, and it wasn’t until I went ballistic during a study session with Will, Audrey and Simon that they decided to drop it.
Deeper We Fall Page 20