“Why don’t you believe me?”
“Because you don’t know everything. You need to know everything before you decide. You deserve to know.”
He dropped his hand from my face and I wanted to reach for him, to pull him to me, to crush myself into his chest. To try and take away some of that unbearable sadness.
He moved back to his seat and put the banjo back on his lap, plucking a few of the strings. I wiped away the rest of my tears and put the car in reverse just as someone from the house glared out the window at me.
***
“Turn left here.”
We’d driven onto more and more rural roads, until we pulled onto a one-lane dirt road with a mailbox at the end of it.
We’d been mostly silent since my little confession.
“Now if I watched more horror movies, this would be the part when you tied me up, and took me into the basement of your creepy cabin where you held me hostage for weeks as revenge on your mother for not hugging you,” I said as we bounced along the pot-holed driveway.
“Sometimes I wonder what goes on in that brain of yours.”
“Dude, you have no idea.” We rounded a corner and smack dab in front of us was a log cabin. “See? I wasn’t far off.”
The cabin was gorgeous, with a huge porch that wrapped around the entire first floor, a green metal roof and a chimney at each end.
“This is Steve’s cabin. My stepfather,” he said. “He bought it as a wedding present when he married my mom.”
“Jesus. Must have been hell to wrap.” I thought he’d laugh, but he didn’t. “So, are we going to go in?”
He nodded, and I could feel his reluctance.
“Whatever you’re going to tell me, I think I can handle it,” I said, giving him my most confident smile.
We both got out and he led me up the steps before moving a flowerpot right by the door and pulling out a key.
“Seems like a really obvious place to hide a key,” I said. Shut up, Lottie.
He opened the door without a word and held it for me.
“Are you ready?”
I took a breath and nodded. I could take it.
The cabin was big and bright and open, and had more than a few animal heads on the wall, which skeeved me out, but I chose to ignore them.
“Wow.”
The dining room even had a chandelier made of antlers.
“It’s Hunter Chic,” I said, noting the tasteful plaid couch and chairs and high volume of things with moose on them.
The best part was a huge stone fireplace that took up one entire wall.
“Could we start a fire?” It wasn’t that cold out, but you couldn’t come to a place like this and not make a fire.
“If you want to. I’ll have to go get some wood.” The wood box next to the enormous fireplace was empty.
“Will you have to chop it?” Chopping wood was sexy. Visions of shirtless Zan chopping wood while I watched flitted through my head.
“Steve orders it pre-chopped.”
“Damn,” I said under my breath.
He went to the fireplace and started fiddling with the chimney. “Why, did you want me to chop some?”
“No,” I said. “Well, maybe.”
That finally made him crack a tiny smile. Progress.
“Be right back.”
I inspected the rest of the downstairs while he brought in a few armfuls of wood. I felt like a slacker, making him do it, but something told me he didn’t mind.
There were only a few canned goods in the pantry, but I did find some tea and honey.
“Jackpot!” I also found a bag of marshmallows that wasn’t expired, and I definitely had half a bar of chocolate in my purse. I searched the rest of the cabinets, but couldn’t find any graham crackers.
“Look what I found,” I said, holding up the bag of marshmallows.
“I have no idea where those came from. Steve’s diabetic, so we don’t keep a lot of that stuff around.”
“You know, if you would have warned me this is where we were coming, I would have brought provisions. Although, foraging in a strange house is kind of fun.”
He remained quiet and sullen as he got the fire going.
“Ironic, isn’t it?” His voice startled me. I’d been staring at one of the deer heads, trying to see if its eyes were following me like one of those paintings.
“What is?”
“That I’m building a fire.”
“What? Oh.”
Bonfire.
I got off the couch and crouched next to him on the hearth. He braced himself on the mantle and stared into the fire.
“Hey,” I said, tugging on his sleeve. “You’re far away.”
“Sorry.” He sat down next to me. “I don’t know where to start, Charlotte.”
“We don’t have to start right now. How about we have some tea?”
He nodded and I got to work, boiling the water in a kettle with a cheery moose painted on the side.
“Who has the moose obsession?”
“That would be my mother, but I blame Steve. She used to shop at garage sales and not really care about what she looked like, and then she met him and she started wearing Chanel and buying matching furniture. She got really into decorating this place.”
“It’s…” I said, searching for the right word. “Quaint. And moosey.”
“I think that was what she was going for.”
I brought the tea over and we both sat on the hearth as the fire got going. I took off my coat and Zan did the same, his shirt riding up a little and revealing a tiny bit of his stomach.
I should not be thinking about that right now.
“I wish I had your confidence with words,” he finally said.
“I wish I had your restraint, so there you go.”
He set his cup down and gazed at me.
“If you want, we could make out a little,” I suggested.
He shook his head, smiling. Ha. I knew it was hiding in there somewhere.
“As much as I would like to do that, I don’t think it would help.”
I brought my knees up and rested my chin on them.
He took a deep breath and made sure I was looking directly at him before he spoke.
“I love you.”
My mouth dropped open.
“That’s not what I need to tell you. Well, it is, but that’s not the biggest part. I just thought you should know. I’ve loved you for a really long time, but I need you to know.” He reached for me and I let him gather me into his arms.
“I love you, pretty girl.” His fingers skated along my forehead and down to my cheek and my lips.
I said the first thing that came to my mind.
“I think I love you, too,” I said. “It doesn’t make sense, and it’s too soon, and I shouldn’t feel this way, but that doesn’t stop it. Maybe the reason it feels so real is because it goes against all logic.”
“Loving you is very logical. Not so much for the other way around.”
“Don’t be so negative, Alex.”
I pulled his face down and kissed him slow and tender. It wasn’t a demanding, needy kind of kiss.
“I told you making out would work,” I said when he broke the kiss, but didn’t let go of me.
He just closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against mine.
“At least I had this,” he whispered.
I held his face between both of my hands and he started to talk.
Zan
“The night of the accident, I was driving.”
She was in my arms, but I didn’t know how long that was going to last, so I held her tight, just waiting for the moment when she’d tell me to let go.
“I was driving until Zack started grabbing the wheel and messing with me. He said he was good to drive, and he wouldn’t stop messing with the car, so I was afraid we were going to have an accident. Lexie was laughing and egging him on, so I pulled over and let him get in the driver’s seat.”
Charlotte r
emained silent, but I could feel her trembling. It only made me want to stop talking, but I had to get this out. I’d told Miss Carole about this, but that had been different. So different.
“I shouldn’t have done it, but I figured we were safer if he drove and I could grab the wheel if I had to. He had always been a pretty good driver when he was drunk, and it was just up the road, so I let it go. Then we saw the flashing blue lights and Zack stepped on the gas. I yelled at him to slow down, but he kept talking about how he couldn’t get pulled over and it would ruin his chances on the baseball team and Lexie was screaming and he just kept going faster and then there was a deer and he swerved and we crashed.”
I didn’t need to go into detail. It was bad enough living through it. I wanted to spare her from the worst.
“When he woke up in the hospital, Zack didn’t know what had happened. I could remember everything perfectly. Since I was the one who was the most coherent, they asked me what happened. I don’t know what made me say it, but the minute the words were out of my mouth, there was no taking them back. I thought it would be fine when Zack woke up and told them that he was driving, but then he didn’t remember and Lexie was…” I inhaled again and she breathed at the same time.
“They asked me again and again, and I told them I was driving. Since none of us were wearing seatbelts and the truck was so mangled, it was impossible to tell for sure. By the time I wanted to tell the truth and I was facing charges, it was too late, especially since Zack didn’t remember, still doesn’t remember. It was too late to take it back.”
Tears started to fall from her eyes and I wanted to brush them away, but I didn’t want to touch her face. I was scared shitless that she would push me away. At least I was still holding her.
“I’ve lived this lie every day since then. I’ve regretted it and wanted to tell the truth, but what then? I’ve already done my time. Telling the truth doesn’t matter anymore.”
“It does,” she finally said. “It does matter.” She pressed her lips to mine, saying over and over, “it does matter, it does matter.”
I tasted her tears and her lips and the truth and my lie and her love.
We kissed and then her hands were in my hair and my hands stroked her face and her neck. Her lips became more insistent, her hands demanding.
I broke the kiss, but she didn’t break our contact.
“Charlotte.”
She put her finger to my lips, silencing me.
“Stop thinking,” she said before she crushed her face to mine again.
Chapter Thirty-three
Lottie
The moment the truth was past his lips, a dam broke inside me and all I wanted to do was kiss him and love him and be with him and make up for everything that he’d missed. Make up for the hell he’d been put through.
I’d never wanted anyone else as much as I wanted him. So much that it hurt.
The hearth wasn’t exactly a comfortable place to make-out, so I tried to pull him onto the thick shag rug that covered the floor.
I succeeded in smashing my knee on the hearth and banging his arm pretty badly.
“Ow,” we both said into each other’s mouth.
“You okay?” he said, brushing his hand on my knee. The kissing kind of overwhelmed the pain.
“Fine. You?”
“Fine.”
Finally we got horizontal on the rug, and he pulled away from my lips and brushed the hair away from my face.
“My beautiful girl.”
I wasn’t the beautiful one.
“I love you,” I said, because it seemed like the right thing to say at such a moment.
His eyes were wet as he said, “I love you. More than I know how.” He put his head on my chest and I held him.
I started humming, also because it seemed like the thing to do. ‘Dance Me to the End of Love’ came to my mind, so I hummed that, and he started humming along with me.
He raised his head, and his eyes were wet and red.
“You never got your dance,” he said.
“We’re not really in a position for dancing.” I twisted my hands in his hair. God, I loved his hair. Even more so now that I finally got to have my way with it.
“True.” He tucked some of my hair behind my ear. “Would you like to modify our position?”
I swallowed. “What kind of modifications are you thinking about?”
“I was thinking… maybe you might want to see my room?” He seemed as nervous as I was.
“See your room?” I repeated.
“Yes.”
“Are you asking what I think you’re asking?”
“If you think I’m asking you to come to bed with me, then yes. I am asking that.” His dark eyes burned with something else now. Need.
“Are you sure this is the right time?”
He propped himself on his elbows and started to pull away from me. It was like having a bucket of cold water thrown on me.
“I’m not saying no. I’m just saying I don’t know. We’re both sort of lost in the moment and I know I said I loved you, and I do and I want to do that with you, I’m just not sure if I’m ready yet. For that. So the answer isn’t no. It’s just… Maybe?”
To my surprise, he smiled.
“And now I want you even more, pretty girl.” He kissed my forehead and rolled to the side, pulling me with him so I was nestled into his side.
“You’re okay with that?”
“If one of us didn’t want to, and then we did, it wouldn’t be right. And I want it to be right between us. You’ve been in control of this relationship, and I want to keep it that way. It’s the least I can do after everything I’ve put you through.”
“You have got to stop beating yourself up. You can do it in front of other people, but not in front of me, understand?” I pointed my finger at him and he nipped it gently with his teeth.
“No more kissing until you agree,” I said before I sat up and sealed my lips.
“Harsh girl,” he said, trying to pull me back down, but I wouldn’t budge. “Fine. I agree.”
“Good.” I gave him a peck, but he wouldn’t let me get away that easily. “How long can we stay here without anyone thinking you’ve kidnapped me?”
His fingers traced letters on my back. “At least a few more hours.”
“Whatever shall we do to occupy ourselves?”
“I wish I’d brought the record player,” he said. “At least we have the banjo.”
“At least we have that.” I moved my face closer so I could listen to his heart.
“Charlotte?”
“Hm?”
“I know you said you didn’t want to spend the night with me, but we don’t have to do everything at once, if you get what I’m saying.”
“For a guy with such a reputation, you certainly have a hard time talking about sex.”
“You talk about my reputation, but you’ve never asked me directly about it.” I put my chin on his chest and moved my face so I could look at him.
“Do you want me to?”
He swallowed. “You should know beforehand.”
“Okay then.” I walked my fingers up and down his chest. “How many girls have you slept with?”
“Actual sex, or just fooling around?”
“Actual sex, but oral counts.”
He paused before he said, “fifteen.”
“Fifteen?!” Why did that sound like way more than it actually was?
He smiled. “Not all at once.”
“Very funny. Do you regret it?”
Zan thought for a moment.
“I regret that they weren’t you.”
“Did you at least learn a lot from these encounters?”
“Maybe.” He winked at me. “Now your turn. I get to hear about your history.”
“Yes. That.” I fumbled for the right words and he started laughing.
“It’s not a crime to be a virgin, Charlotte.”
“How do you know that?”
“Intu
ition.” I gave him a look. “Zack let something slip during one of his drunken confessionals that Katie had told him.”
“Great. My roommate is advertising my virginity.”
“It’s okay, pretty girl. We’ll do what you’re ready for. Kissing you is better and sexier than fucking every single one of those girls.”
“Is that what it was, fucking?”
“More or less. Mindless and emotionless. Just a way for both of us to get off.”
Just talking about it was making me burn inside. Even my skin ached for something, anything to release it. If I were alone in my dorm room, I would have taken care of it myself. Katie had asked me how I could get on without sex, but what she didn’t know was hidden in my sock drawer and only came out when I knew she would be gone all night with Zack.
The only other person who knew about my little battery-powered friends was Will, and he pretended he didn’t.
“What if that was what I wanted? Just to get off?”
“Do you?” He looked like he’d swallowed his tongue.
“I’ve never tried it before.” Granted, I hadn’t tried much before. I’d never understood why, when I thought about going further with someone, it always seemed wrong. Felt wrong. After I struck out with Clark, I didn’t really see the point. Until I met someone it didn’t feel icky with.
Thinking about being with Zan was anything but icky. Thinking about it made me feel like I was on fire.
“I don’t want to push you—” I shut him up.
“Maybe I want you to push me. Maybe I want you to throw me over your shoulder, take me to your room and torture my body into submission. Ever thought of that?”
“Do you?”
“When are you going to stop asking and grow a pair?” I waited. Part of me thought he wouldn’t do it, which was why I said it. The other, less sensible, and more lustful, part of me was begging for it.
“Fine.” With one movement, he got himself up, with another he’d yanked me up and then thrown me over his shoulder, as I requested. I still squealed when he did it, even though it was expected.
“Must give the lady what she wants,” he said, tromping up the stairs. “If you change your mind, then you’ll need to tell me to stop.”
“Got it,” I squeaked. Nearly all the blood in my body had pooled in my head by the time we got to his room. All that blood should have given me enough sense to take back what I’d said.
Deeper We Fall Page 26