by BJ Harvey
Rhodes: He’s staying at Connor and Celeste’s tonight. No way will they not spoil him.
Dee: Okay. That’s good.
Rhodes: Everything alright?
Dee: Yeah.
Rhodes: You seem a bit . . . distant. That’s all.
Dee: Everything is fine, honey.
Friday
Jake: Hey, Dee. Thanks for the lunch delivery. Thanks for letting me be your lemon lava cake guinea pig. I volunteer to be your food test dummy at any time.
Dee: Hey. You’re welcome. Hope you’re feeling better.
Jake: Yeah, I am. You should’ve delivered it personally. I wanted to say thank you.
Dee: You just did.
Jake: I mean for coming to the hospital and being there for Dad. I know it can’t have been easy for him. I’m glad he has you.
Shot to the fucking heart, kid.
After seeing Rhodes and Jake a few times this week, I can now admit that things definitely aren’t fine. And the fact I’ve been blowing off Rhodes all week—not sleeping over there, barely spending more than an hour here and there with them—I can sense he’s now realizing it too.
But I can’t help it. I’m a girl, and sometimes we overthink and twist things in our heads and can’t get past it. That’s where I’m at now.
Things have been so easy, so fast, so intense with Rhodes that I fell into a comfortable lull where I went with the flow and didn’t stop to think about anything else. I love the man. There’s no question in my mind that he’d ever do me wrong. If things keep going the way they’re going, I can see us having a long and happy life together.
The problem is with me. I let a seed of doubt settle in my brain and allowed it to take hold, to burrow in and grow, digging in roots and making itself at home. And try as I might, it’s been at the back of my mind ever since I saw Jake and Rhodes together in that hospital room and the words they shared, ever since I heard Rhodes, Marco, and Don talk in the waiting room.
And it all comes down to one big, formidable force that I don’t feel I can ever equal. Lily.
I lost your mom. I can’t lose you too.
He lost his wife. He didn’t choose to leave her. There was no choice. The decision was taken out of his hands. Fate had other plans. And now he has me, and I love him more than I loved Flynn—my husband—yet I’ll never be able to truly know if it’ll ever be the same way for Rhodes when it comes to me.
I’ve been questioning that and struggling with it ever since the night of Jake’s accident, and with it comes guilt, sadness, disbelief that I could even fathom being jealous of a dead woman—a wonderful, amazing, spectacular woman at that. I’ve been asking myself if I can live the rest of my life feeling this way, always wondering, never relaxing, feeling I have to prove myself, not fully trusting whether his feelings for me will be enough. It’s a me issue, not a Rhodes or Jake issue or even a Flynn issue. It’s all me, and until I can sort it out in my own head, I know I won’t be able to explain it to anyone else, let alone Rhodes.
Saturday
Rhodes: Saw your latest video.
My breath catches, and I struggle with what to reply. Stuck for ideas for a new vlog, I decided to do a video about food to make you smile when you’re feeling down. I figured it would be cathartic, maybe help anyone out there struggling with much bigger problems than the one I’m wrestling.
Dee: Did you like it?
Rhodes: I always do. But you weren’t yourself, baby.
Dee: I’m okay.
Rhodes: Honesty policy, sweet cheeks. You’re either lying to me or lying to yourself.
Dee: I’ll be okay.
Rhodes: Wouldn’t mind seeing that for myself. Why don’t I come pick you up and I can make sure you’re alright?
Dee: I can’t tonight. Flynn has plans, so Harvey and I are having a mom/son movie marathon.
Rhodes: Maybe Jake and I could come over and join you then?
Dee: You won’t wanna watch these ones. We kind of have a weakness for old-school Disney.
He doesn’t reply for a while. And when he does, my heart aches.
Rhodes: Okay. Well, let me know when you want to do something? We haven’t had much time alone since the accident, and I know I’ve been focused on helping the kid, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see you as well. You’re important to me, Dee. I hope you know that. I love you.
Dee: I know. Say hi to Jake for me.
Rhodes: Will do. Call me later?
Dee: Yeah, if I don’t fall into a junk-food coma.
Rhodes: You’re a takeout snob, remember? No way you’d let anything bad pass those lips.
Dee: True, but everyone needs popcorn and cheap, greasy pizza now and then.
His next message doesn’t come through for a few minutes.
Rhodes: I know something is wrong, Dee. I hope you know you can talk to me. You can tell me if things have changed . . .
“Why do you look like someone just ran over your puppy?” Flynn asks, startling me.
I jerk my head his way to find him studying me. “I’m fine.”
“Yeah,” he says, pushing off the doorframe and walking over to the one-seater chair next to the couch. “And you forget that I can read you like a damn book. So quit the bullshit and talk to me.”
“I’m fine.”
He arches a brow. “You said that already.”
“Well, I am.”
“Then why have you been here for the past two weeks and not stayed with Rhodes at all? Did something happen?”
“No . . .”
“Dee . . .”
“What?” I snap.
Flynn’s eyes soften. “Talk. To. Me.”
“I can’t. Harvey will come in soon, and—”
“Our son is in the shower. So, you’ve got a good ten minutes until I have to drag him out to save all the hot water. What’s wrong? You’ve been . . . not yourself.”
“It’s dumb.”
“Nothing’s dumb if it’s bothering you.”
“Okay. You’ll think it’s dumb.”
“Try me.”
I tilt my head. “Aren’t you going out tonight?”
“Nope. So, you’re stuck with me. Now tell me what’s wrong. Maybe I can help untangle whatever it is that’s tying you up in knots.”
“I’m just being a silly girl who can’t stop thinking that sometimes things are too good to be true.”
“You mean Rhodes?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
I scrunch my nose up. “What do you mean why?”
“I mean exactly that. Why are things too good to be true?”
“You wanna know?”
“Wouldn’t have asked otherwise, sweetheart,” he says matter-of-factly.
“I can’t explain it.”
He huffs out a breath. “Then don’t explain it. Tell me. Break it down. Does he make you happy?”
“Yes.”
“Did something happen that made you unhappy?”
“Well, no, not really . . . Maybe?”
Flynn shakes his head and reaches out to touch my arm. “Now that you have to explain.”
“I’m just struggling with the idea that our situations are different.”
“Us?”
“Well, no. Mine and Rhodes.”
“You’ve lost me. You’re both single with kids. You like each other, you spend time together. Harvey loves seeing them and staying over. I’m not seeing the problem here.”
“Isn’t it strange for you, seeing me move on?”
“It was, but I’ve been waiting for you to get out there and go after what you want for a while. When we spilt up, it was because we loved each other enough to want the best out of life, and we knew that it wasn’t going to happen by staying married. Now, I’ve moved on, but you’ve been in limbo.”
“But—”
“Then you met Rhodes, and I started to see that old Dee that you’d lost over the years. The one who lights up a room whenever she walks into it. The one who smiles at
a man and makes his day. You had a new spring in your step, and you seemed like you’d finally found your happy.”
“Flynn . . .”
He shakes his head. “No. You’re missing my point. This isn’t about knowing I couldn’t give you that anymore. That ship has sailed. Rhodes helped you find yourself. He was the kind of happiness you’ve been looking for. And don’t say he’s not, because I know that man loves you. It’s clear as day whenever I see him look at you. So I have one question, and I’m invoking the honesty policy, because we’ve never lied to each other and we’re sure as shit not gonna start now.”
“Okay . . .” I hold my breath as I wait for the proverbial axe to fall.
“Why are you not letting yourself have that? What’s changed?”
I look down at my hands, my mouth suddenly dry as I try to breathe through the tightness in my chest.
“You and I chose to separate. We chose to not be together anymore.”
“And . . .” Then his eyes flash as realization dawns. “You’re shitting me?” he says in disbelief.
“I told you it was dumb.”
“It’s not.” He leans forward and places his finger under my chin, lifting my eyes to meet his. “What’s dumb is that you’re sitting here talking to me when you should be talking to the man in question.”
“I can’t,” I whisper.
“Why?”
“Because what if I’m right? What if he tells me he could never love me as much as he loved Lily? What if—as much as he wants to, as much as he tries—I could never be that woman for him?”
“You’ll never know unless you talk to him, and avoiding the issue is just making it worse because it’s going to fester and turn bad. Don’t let that happen, Dee.”
“I’m trying not to.”
He glances at my phone then back to me. “By making excuses not to see him?”
My eyes jump wide. “How do you—?”
His lips curve into a knowing smile. “’Cause I know you, Dee. You don’t spend over a decade with someone and not know everything about them. Rhodes has had four months. He’s still learning about all the little nuances that make up Delilah Baker, and unless you stop avoiding him and start talking, that man has no idea what’s going on in that cute little head of yours. Right now, he’s probably just as confused as you are and wondering what he’s done to push you away.”
“But he hasn’t done anything.”
Flynn leans in, eyes still locked to mine. “Exactly,” he says before moving to his feet. “Now. I’m going to save our water-heating bill from further damage, and you can think about the fact that maybe—this time—your issue, while valid, is also all in your mind. You can’t work through it without talking to the man himself. Believe me, putting your head in the sand doesn’t solve anything. We both know that. We did it for the whole last year of our marriage when we knew things had changed but couldn’t admit it. Don’t make the same mistake twice, Dee. Rhodes is everything I could’ve ever wanted for you. Let him be the one to fix this.”
“You mean fix me?”
“Whatever it takes, sweetheart. But this time, I can’t do it. It’s down to you. Any answers you need, he’s the only one who can give them to you. Not to freak you out even more, but I’m starting to think he’s the only man who can give you everything you’ve ever wanted. And, Dee?”
“Yeah?”
“That’s the only thing I’ve ever wanted for you.”
Chapter 21
Rhodes
Enough is enough. I’ve tried to give Dee space. I’ve tried to be understanding. But after almost two weeks of Dee not being herself, it’s time to call her out on it. I’ll use our damn honesty policy if I have to, but all I know is that when she comes to see me tomorrow night, she’s not leaving until she tells me the truth. Because there’s nothing worse than having all of someone and knowing without a shred of doubt that they’re the person you see a long-lasting future with, than having them pull away without any obvious reason or explanation.
Even Jake has sensed something is up. That’s why I gave him Dee’s phone number, so he could text her the other day. I figured if it was something I’d done, at least she wouldn’t brush my son off. And I was right. She didn’t. Ever since the accident, she’s been present, but just . . . different. Well, whatever caused the change is about to be fixed or I’ll go down fighting.
Rhodes: Can you come over tomorrow night? I think we should talk.
Dee: Okay.
And that’s all I get. No ‘What do we need to talk about?’ or ‘Is everything alright?’.
Fast forward twenty-four hours, and Dee’s car is pulling into my driveway. I arranged for Jake to stay at my mom and dad’s tonight, and I was honest with him about the fact that I thought something was up with Dee and I needed time to talk it out with her and make sure everything would be okay. He was wholeheartedly in favor of it and even had the cheek to ask, “What took you so long?”
I already have the front door open when she moves up the front path toward me. Her body language is tense, almost defensive, as if she thinks she’s approaching battle.
Surely she knows by now that I’m all for ‘making love, not war.’ I’m also not about to let her walk away without a damn good reason why. We didn’t fight, I didn’t lie to her or stand her up, or do anything else that could warrant her version of ‘silent treatment.’ It hasn’t even been silence, she’s been distant, which is decidedly worse. “Hey,” I say, leaning into the doorframe.
“Hey.” She stops in front of me like she doesn’t know what to do.
I step forward and run my fingers through the hair at her temple until my hand is cradling the back of her head and I have her eyes on mine. I relax a little when she leans into my touch. “You’re a sight for sore eyes, sweet cheeks.”
“I was here a few days ago.”
“Yeah. You were here.” I step in, bringing our bodies in close. “But you weren’t here.” Then I lower my mouth to hers and kiss her soft and slow, my fingers flexing in her hair as she melts into me, chasing my tongue with hers.
When I pull back, her lips are swollen and her eyes are a hell of a lot more relaxed than when she first arrived.
“Feeling better yet?”
Her teeth dig into her lip, but she doesn’t answer me. Taking that as at least some progress, I reach out and grab her hand and walk inside before closing the door behind us and leading her into the living room.
She places her purse on the coffee table and looks around. “Where’s Jake? I thought he’d be here.”
“He’s at Don and Nora’s. I told him you and I needed time alone to talk.”
Dee’s mouth drops open. “You what? Rhodes! He’s still recovering. You didn’t need to kick him out of his own house.”
I pin her in place with a pointed stare. “Yeah, I did. But no, I didn’t kick him out. Mom and Dad love having him there, especially Mom. She can fuss and fawn over him and make him all his favorite foods while Dad has a buddy to watch all the sports he wants with. It’s a win-win situation for everyone.”
“But—”
“And I wasn’t lying to my kid about why I wanted the house to ourselves. We need to sort this out, Dee, and we need to do it without any distractions.” I give her a moment to collect herself and walk past her and through to the kitchen. “Would you like a drink?”
Her head spins around and she shoots me an adorably confused look. “Um . . . sure. A wine?”
“Well, look at that, I have your favorite white right here in the fridge waiting for you.” I pour her drink and grab myself a beer before handing her the half-full glass.
“Rhodes . . .?” she asks as she takes it from me.
“Yeah?”
“What are we doing?”
“We’re about to sit down, have a drink, and then talk.”
She nods jerkily before following me to the couch and taking a seat. Her posture anything but relaxed.
I wait for her to say something—anythi
ng—but she’s too busy gripping her wine glass in both hands. Fuck it. I need to know what the hell is wrong so that I can start working toward making it better again.
“Dee?” She turns her head my way and takes a deep breath, slowly closing her eyes before reopening them. “Baby, you’ve gotta talk to me. Tell me what’s wrong. If I don’t know, I can’t make it right, and there’s no fucking way I’m letting you hold me at arm’s length, not anymore. Not when you gave me all of you and I made a promise to myself that as long as I could, I’d never let you go. What we’ve got is too good, too special, too important . . .”
“I know,” she whispers. “I’ve just been trying to work through some stuff in my head.”
I move over, ease the wineglass out of her hold, and place it on the table before covering her hands in her lap with mine. “Tell me, Dee.”
She shakes her head and squeezes her eyes shut. “I can’t.”
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t talk about it.”
I rub my palms over the back of her clasped hands. “We can’t get past this if I don’t know what I’m up against.” Searching her eyes for clues, there’s worry and concern there as she bites her lip and averts her gaze.
“Look. We don’t have to talk about this now. It’s been a long day, and I bet you’re tired too. Why don’t we just go to bed, and we can discuss this in the morning,” she says, trying to delay our conversation.
It’s only eight o’clock, and that’s early even for us. When I narrow my eyes, she releases a resigned sigh as if hoping I’d let this go for tonight. Wishful thinking sweetheart. “I’ll have absolutely no problem taking you to bed once you tell me what the hell is wrong,” I say.
“Please, Rhodes. I want to talk. I do. It’s just . . .”
“I think it needs to be now. Because to lay it all out there, I didn’t find you after six years of not finding you, to give up without a fight. You’ve been different ever since Jake’s accident. Was it that? Did that scare you? ’Cause I swear to god I get that. I was fucking terrified.”
“I know, and I hated that for you. For all of you.”
“So it was that? Baby, that’s not something you work through by yourself. You do it with people who are going through it with you. Is that why you’ve been putting space between us?” I ask, my heart easing a little because this is something I can deal with.