by Emily Rodda
‘Aha!’ Conker said, his beard and eyebrows bristling with excitement. ‘A prisoner called Simon, I’ll bet my boots! Charged with murdering Wizard Bing! Oh, my heart, liver and lungs, this is it! We’ve got it!’
Chapter 5
Conker Loses His Temper
Conker threw the note down on the bed, stuck his thumbs under his belt, and puffed out his chest. ‘So there you are!’ he declared. ‘We’ve broken the code. Perseverance, brainpower and teamwork! That’s all it took.’
At that moment, a skinny brown mouse slid from beneath the mirror that hung over the chest of drawers. A small mauve square dangled from a gold chain around the mouse’s neck.
‘Message for Conker,’ the mouse drawled. ‘Immediate reply requested.’ Skirting Bertha’s hat, it slouched to the edge of the chest of drawers. It unclipped the mauve square from the chain, and gave it to Conker.
‘What’s this?’ Conker hissed. ‘It looks like …’
As he unfolded the mauve paper, everyone could see that it was covered on both sides by the same purple, rounded writing as the first note had been.
Conker frowned at the paper for a long moment. Then he turned it over and read the other side. He began to breathe heavily through his nose.
‘What is it?’ exclaimed Leo, unable to bear the suspense.
Conker looked up, his face a picture of baffled fury. He glared at the messenger mouse, which had sat down, crossed its legs and begun to whistle tunelessly through its teeth.
‘Why didn’t I get this before?’ Conker demanded, shaking the paper in the mouse’s face. ‘Why wasn’t it delivered with the other one?’
‘One page only, of the officially approved size, to be carried by any one messenger,’ the mouse droned. ‘Should a message require more than one page, of the officially approved size, separate messengers, if and when available, are to be used for each and every extra page, such extra pages also to be of the officially approved size.’
‘What!’ Conker bellowed. ‘Since when?’
‘Since the stop-work meeting this morning,’ the mouse replied, yawning. ‘The vote was unanimouse.’
Mimi gave a shout of laughter. The mouse uncrossed its legs and looked at her severely.
‘It’s no laughing matter,’ it said. ‘It’s all a matter of weight. Certain persons, namely newspaper reporters, have been abusing the service. We’ve got eleven members off with neck strain, fourteen with severe claw fatigue and fifty-two on stress leave. You can read all about it in The Squeaker.’
‘The day I use The Squeaker for anything but wrapping the garbage is the day I give the game away!’ roared Conker, beside himself with rage.
‘Conker, just read us the note,’ Mimi urged.
Conker squinted at the mauve paper in disgust. ‘To Hobnob at once and find Wizard Bing,’ he read in a flat voice.
‘What?’ exclaimed Bertha.
‘Oh, my heart, liver, lungs and gizzards!’ Conker exploded. ‘Don’t you understand? This is the second page of the message we’ve just spent endless time trying to de-code!’
‘I understand perfectly,’ Bertha said huffily. ‘And I’ll thank you to leave your internal organs out of this. I have simply temporarily forgotten how the first page ended.’
Leo snatched up the first note from the end of the bed and read out the last line. ‘All this worry is very bad for my health so please come …’
He nodded to Conker, who glared ferociously at his own paper and went on: ‘to Hobnob at once and find Wizard Bing. Officer Begood has arrested Simon and I don’t know what the neighbours will say. Clogg says it was to be expected because Simon is a hopeless case but what I say is poor Simon has tried very hard …’
Conker cleared his throat irritably and turned the note over.
to be a good apprentice and stayed longer than any of the others, which I admit isn’t saying much, but still. Don’t worry about the money, I will pay your fees whatever Clogg says as we are very rich if I do say so myself and my nephew can’t do anything not being quite himself at the moment not to mention in gaol as well by now I expect.
Yours very faithfully,
Muffy Clogg (Mrs)
Upstairs, Clogg’s Shoe Emporium, Hobnob
‘Well!’ Bertha exclaimed. ‘So all that exhausting detecting and remembering and so on was a complete waste of time! All we had to do was wait for the second page of the message.’
Freda gave a harsh quack of laughter. Conker glowered at her.
The mouse yawned. ‘Is there going to be a reply or not?’ it drawled. ‘I can’t wait around all day. We’re very short-staffed and I’m due for my cheese break.’
Conker gritted his teeth, felt in his pockets, and at last pulled out a tiny notebook and the stub of a pencil.
The mouse closed its eyes and began its tuneless whistling again. Making an obvious effort to ignore it, Conker wrote laboriously, then tore the page out of his notebook and held the ragged paper up for everyone to see.
Quest team will be with you as soon as possible, if not before.
‘Brief and to the point,’ said Freda with approval.
Conker handed the folded note to the mouse. Sighing, it clipped the paper to its neck chain, then sauntered back to the mirror and disappeared behind it.
Conker rubbed his hands. ‘So!’ he said. ‘We leave for Hobnob at dawn.’
‘I don’t see why you’re so obsessed with dawn, Conker,’ Bertha complained. ‘You might as well be a rooster.’
‘If you want to be a true quest hero you’ve got to respect the questing traditions,’ Conker declared. ‘Dawn it is. But we’ve got a lot to do before then. We’ve got to buy supplies, for one thing – not to mention interviewing the prisoner when he arrives. Come on!’
He strode to the door and wrenched it open.
‘What about the thing?’ Freda enquired loudly. ‘The thing Mimi has to put in a Safe Place before she goes anywhere?’
Bertha bounced on the bed and gave a startled squeak.
Conker froze, slammed the door again and spun round. ‘I didn’t forget,’ he snapped, looking very flustered. ‘I was just testing you.’
‘So was I,’ gabbled Bertha, whose ears had gone very red.
Leo saw that Mimi’s hand had crept up to cover the pendant hidden beneath her jacket. Her lips were pressed into a straight, stubborn line.
‘Mimi, Hal doesn’t want you carrying the Key while you’re here,’ Bertha said, scrambling off the bed. ‘He wants you to put it in a Safe Place, and collect it again just before you go home.’
‘The Key is perfectly safe with me,’ Mimi snapped.
‘It’s – ah – not so much a matter of its safety, Mimi,’ Conker said with a feeble smile. ‘It’s more a matter of … ah …’
‘Of the damage you might do with it,’ Freda said flatly. ‘You don’t realise how dangerous the Key is, Mimi. There’s nothing the Key can’t do.’
Patches of bright colour appeared on Mimi’s cheekbones. ‘I won’t do any damage,’ she said, barely opening her lips. ‘I promised Hal I wouldn’t use the Key to change things or create things, and I won’t.’
‘You mightn’t be able to help it, Mimi,’ Bertha said earnestly. ‘You’re like me – very sensitive and creative, and all that sort of –’
‘I can control my imagination if I want to,’ Mimi interrupted, the scarlet spots on her cheeks glowing even more brightly. ‘I’m not a baby!’
Leo bit his lip. He thought that Hal was perfectly right to worry about Mimi being on the loose with the Key to Rondo. Anything could happen if Mimi became frightened or angry or lost concentration for even a minute. And yet …
‘I don’t like the idea of hiding the Key either,’ he said. ‘Someone might find it and steal it. And it’s our only way home.’
Mimi looked at him coldly. ‘I see,’ she said. ‘Getting home is all you care about, Leo. It doesn’t matter to you if I’m accused of being an idiot who can’t control the Key.’
Leo felt a wave of fury.
‘Can’t you think of anything but your precious feelings?’ he shouted. ‘You’re prickly as a – a pineapple! You should be glad I’m on your side, whatever the reason is, you –’
‘Stop it!’ squealed Bertha.
As Leo gaped at her, she shook back her ears, breathing hard. ‘We’ll have no more shouting, if you please,’ she announced in a trembling voice. ‘My nerves are shattered as it is. Conker, it’s perfectly obvious that Mimi and Leo have no idea what a Safe Place is.’
Conker stared. ‘Oh,’ he mumbled. ‘Right.’
Bertha turned to Leo and Mimi. ‘I will now demonstrate, if I can,’ she said. She cleared her throat and spoke respectfully to the room in general. ‘If any Members of the Ancient Order of Safe Places are present and available for guard duty, could they please reveal themselves?’
For a moment, nothing happened. Then, over by the window, there was a soft creaking sound and a small square of the rose-spattered carpet lifted like a trapdoor, revealing what looked like a red velvet cushion.
‘At your service,’ said a dry, cracked voice from the depths of the cushion.
Mimi gave a little shriek. Leo jumped violently.
‘There, you see?’ Bertha said. ‘That is a Safe Place.’
‘At your service,’ repeated the dry voice, and the little square of carpet dipped in a slight bow.
‘It’s just a different sort of hidey-hole,’ Mimi muttered, recovering a little from her shock. ‘I’m not going to leave the Key in a –’
‘Sshh!’ Bertha hissed, aghast. ‘Lawks-a-daisy, Mimi, don’t say things like that! Have the proper respect!’
She glanced nervously at the red cushion, which was rippling gently and making a slight humming sound. ‘Thank goodness! It doesn’t seem to have heard you,’ she whispered. ‘Mimi, Members of the Ancient Order of Safe Places must never be confused with common hidey-holes. They are very distant relations. In fact, Safe Places prefer to pretend they are no relation at all.’
‘Snobs!’ jeered Freda, though Leo noticed she kept her voice down.
‘They are a bit snooty,’ Bertha agreed. ‘They don’t think hidey-holes are respectable, because they move around and tend to be – well, flighty. Safe Places stay in one spot, and their Order is governed by very strict rules. They only guard valuables – they wouldn’t dream of hiding anything alive. And, unlike some hidey-holes I could name, they’re utterly trustworthy.’
She turned to Leo. ‘So you needn’t worry about thieves, Leo,’ she added. ‘Once a Safe Place is filled, it won’t open again till someone stands right over it and whispers the password. Safe Places are also impervious to dots, mice, spells, quakes –’
‘Then why didn’t Hal use one to hide the Key in the first place?’ Mimi interrupted. ‘Why did he bother taking it back to our world? If Safe Places are as safe as you claim –’
‘I knew she’d say that!’ Freda remarked.
Conker sighed. ‘In those days Hal didn’t trust Safe Places any more than you do, Mimi,’ he said. ‘He knows better now.’
‘Odd there’s only one Safe Place in here,’ Freda commented, considering the rippling red cushion with interest. ‘Tavern bedrooms usually have at least three.’
‘The others are probably already occupied,’ Bertha said. ‘Jolly was complaining about it just the other day. He says this tavern has only a fraction of the Safe Places it used to have. It comes of folk forgetting their password, or even forgetting where their Safe Place is. That happens a lot, apparently.’
Leo looked quickly at the red cushion, memorising its distance from the window and the pattern of the carpet around it. He noticed that the cushion had stopped patiently rippling and was now pulsating in a slightly irritable way instead. The raised square of carpet had begun to sag a little.
‘Please present the item to be guarded,’ said the dry, cracked voice. ‘Please have your password ready.’
‘They don’t like to be kept waiting,’ whispered Bertha to Mimi. ‘Oh, Mimi, please!’
Mimi frowned for a moment then suddenly gave in. ‘Oh, all right,’ she said ungraciously. She tugged at the chain around her neck and drew out the ugly old pendant that contained hairs from the brush that long ago had created Rondo. Conker, Freda and Bertha stared at it in awe.
‘Choose a password you’ll both remember,’ Bertha urged, suddenly anxious.
‘But nothing too obvious!’ warned Conker from the door.
Leo and Mimi walked over to the red cushion and knelt down in front of it.
‘Password, please,’ said the dry voice. ‘Speak distinctly to avoid disappointment.’
‘Marion,’ said Mimi in a low voice. She glanced quickly at Leo with her eyebrows raised, and Leo nodded. Only he and Mimi knew that Marion was her real name. As a password, it was perfect.
‘Marion,’ the Safe Place repeated softly. ‘Very good. Please place the object … now.’
Mimi put the pendant and its chain on the red cushion. Instantly the cushion shot downwards into the gloom, leaving a hollow darkness in its place.
‘Thank you for your custom,’ the dry voice whispered from the depths. ‘Please stand back.’
The trapdoor thudded shut, the line around it sealed, and in moments there was no sign at all that the carpet had ever been disturbed. The Key was gone.
‘So – that’s that,’ Leo said. He was determined to sound cheerful, but he felt rather empty inside. It had been unsettling to see the Key disappear.
‘That’s that,’ Mimi repeated. Her face was unreadable.
‘Excellent!’ exclaimed Conker. ‘Now, let’s go shopping!’
Chapter 6
Splitting Up
Wait!’ Bertha cried, as Conker threw open the door. ‘I’ve just thought! It’s broad daylight outside. If any of those reporters see me in the street I’ll be mobbed.’
‘Disguise yourself, then,’ Conker said impatiently. ‘Put on your sunglasses. And don’t wear your hat.’
‘I can’t go out without my hat!’ Bertha cried. ‘My complexion –’
‘Dots to your complexion!’ roared Conker. ‘It’s only skin, isn’t it?’
Bertha drew herself up. ‘It may be only skin to you,’ she said in a high voice, ‘but modelling is my livelihood. My only secure livelihood now, I’d like to remind you!’ Her lips quivered.
Conker looked helplessly around the room. His gaze fell on the rumpled bed, and his eyes brightened. ‘I’ve got it!’ he exclaimed. He rushed to the bed, snatched up a pillow and pulled off the frilled satin pillowcase. He wrapped the pillowcase around Bertha’s head like a scarf and knotted it firmly under her chin.
‘There!’ he said. ‘Perfect!’
Bertha trailed to the chest of drawers and looked in the mirror doubtfully. Pink satin ruffles framed her face and flapped limply over her eyes. ‘I suppose it might do,’ she said.
‘Of course it’ll do!’ cried Conker. ‘You look –’
‘Like a pig in a pillowcase,’ Leo heard Freda mutter under her breath.
‘– marvellous!’ Conker finished loudly, glaring at the duck.
‘Actually, it does rather suit me, doesn’t it?’ said Bertha, tilting her head this way and that so she could see herself in the mirror from every angle. ‘Could someone get my sunglasses?’
Full of misgivings, Leo fetched the sunglasses and fitted them over her nose.
‘Wonderful!’ said Conker. ‘Your own mother wouldn’t know you. Right, let’s go! There’s no time to lose!’
They crowded out into the corridor and Conker led the way towards the stairs.
‘Conker, Hobnob’s in the north, isn’t it?’ Leo asked suddenly.
‘Keep your voice down!’ hissed Conker. ‘We don’t want pesky reporters catching on to where we’re going, do we? Yes, Hobnob’s in the north. It’s an out-of-the-way little place – nice scenery and all that. People go there for holidays.’
‘I think I might have seen Spoiler in the north,’ Leo said, determinedly not looking at M
imi. ‘He was just outside a village that’s between two hills. Is that –’
Conker shook his head. ‘That’s not Hobnob. It sounds like Innes-Trule, further east. Spoiler might well have been there. A Gap – you know, a Rondo short cut – runs from Troll’s Bridge to Innes-Trule. Spoiler might have used it to get away from the castle as fast as possible. But he’s not in Innes-Trule now. Tye went there and couldn’t find a trace of him.’
‘What if he went on to Hobnob?’ Leo persisted eagerly as they reached the stairs. ‘It sounds like a good place to hide, if it’s so out of the way. And now this wizard has disappeared from there …’
Mimi sighed and rolled her eyes.
Conker tugged at his beard. ‘That’s a very good thought, Leo,’ he said kindly. ‘But it’s unlikely that Spoiler would bother to abduct Wizard Bing. Bing’s not exactly a huge professional success, and he’s as poor as a squirrel.’
They went downstairs and left the tavern by a back door that led into a lane lined with the shabby backs of buildings. The lane was deserted except for a few dots, rather crumbly around the edges, poking listlessly in rubbish bins and scuffling through the dead leaves in the gutters.
They hurried along the lane till they reached the mouth of an alley that ran between buildings. At the other end of the alley was the bustling main street, and the flower stall, with its red-and-white striped awning and its buckets of bright blooms. Leo felt a tingle of excitement.
‘We’ll split up to save time,’ said Conker. ‘Bertha and Mimi can buy the food, and the rest of us will go to the camping shop. We need some new equipment. My old cooking pot’s insisted on retiring.’
‘About time, too,’ said Freda sourly. ‘It leaked whenever it coughed.’
‘True,’ Conker agreed. ‘Anyway, it’s gone, and it’s taken the spoon with it – they were always very close – so we need replacements.’ He heaved a very false-sounding sigh.
‘Any excuse,’ Freda muttered to Leo out of the side of her beak. ‘He’s wild about the camping shop.’
‘Turn right at Main Street, and go along to Dinah’s Dotless Delicacies, just past the wing repair place,’ Conker instructed Bertha and Mimi. ‘We’ll meet back in your room.’