by R. J. Blain
“Yet you beat SEALs for fun.”
“Not anymore. I’ve been to the doctors about it, although I went on the sly to clinics outside of the Inquisition. I’ve been to clinics in the Inquisition as well. The Inquisitors gave a better prognosis, but I think the Normals are more accurate in this case.”
“Because your witchcraft is failing, so you’ll be more like a Normal?”
“I see someone has been talking to you about this. Which one was the brave, brave soul?”
“Dante started it, but as I said, Desmond taught me the ritual specifically for this purpose. Or he taught my wolf. I’m still a little unclear on that. I’m surprised Richard hasn’t gotten involved yet, although he might trust Desmond to handle it.” I shook my head at the insanity.
“The wolves handle the ritual, and the human side is more of a sidekick. It takes the wolf to call another wolf, and without the other wolf, there’s no Fenerec. Essentially, your wolf will try to summon another wolf, and that wolf will decide if I’m worthy of a bond. The wolf ultimately decides, although the human being turned into a Fenerec does play a critical role in whether or not the ritual is successful. The human truly has to want to bond with a wolf or be desperate enough to accept it.” Amber shrugged. “In my case, it has nothing to do with want, and it has everything to do with Inquisition rules.”
“Because you’re a powerful witch?”
“Right.”
“I was told to take you at least fifty feet away from anything I didn’t want to have burned just in case.”
That earned a snorted laugh, and she ate more of her stew. “I’ve been getting old for a long time. Change is hard.”
“How old are you?”
“I see you’re a brave, brave man, Declan.”
“My mother warned me I could easily live to be several hundred years old, and it seems I’ve halted growth at a somewhat gangly eighteen. I never filled out.”
“Give it a few decades and you will. Desmond didn’t start filling out until he was closer to a hundred. I learned that gem because he was worried about Richard until he realized Richard really is just a pup compared to him. Age gaps are the norm among Fenerec. Richard was in his thirties when he met Nicolina. Fenerec-born and True-born mature early, and the Fenerec-born who don’t undergo the ritual tend to die young because their mature rates are faster. That’s something we’re just starting to really understand. Fenerec-born are also more likely to survive the ritual. I’m not Fenerec-born, but I’m a witch, and I’ve already exceeded my natural lifespan.”
I needed a lot more time than I had to understand the intricacies of life as a werewolf. “Frankly, all I really care about is whether or not you want the ritual done. I don’t mind putting myself in the line of fire to do it. If you want to become a werewolf, then I’ll help you become a werewolf.”
“You’re the kind who sees a problem and wants to solve it, although you’re far more inclined to cause trouble because you can,” Amber observed.
“Amber, you beat SEALs up for fun. Any man with half a grain of common sense finds this to be attractive, and the ones who don’t find it attractive are afraid you’ll beat them. Apparently, I’m the kind who finds it so attractive I’ll blurt random proposals when presented with a woman that capable. That was not one of my better moments, by the way. But when else is a man going to find a woman who is that capable? You beat SEALs up for fun.”
“If I had known beating SEALs was the ultimate method of flirting with men, I would have picked this hobby up a lot sooner. They kept telling me no, and it got on my last nerve, so I dealt with them and did what I wanted.”
Her words reduced my wolf to a drooling mess. “I was promised a video of you beating on SEALs, but I haven’t seen it yet.”
“I swear. It’s not that impressive. I just take them by surprise and use whatever tools are available at the time. It’s not a big deal.”
“Amber, Lane flattened my ass onto the floor. They aren’t exactly lightweights.”
“Lane caught you by surprise, you’d been shot, and you actually put up a decent fight despite being in shit health. I questioned him extensively about that. You about scared the life out of him because you played dead on him for a while there. He almost called in for a medic because you were such a mess, but since you hadn’t stopped breathing on him, he opted to monitor you instead.”
I grimaced. “I’m usually better than that.”
“You’d have to be in order to survive the shit the US government was having you do. I’ve seen your file. Elliot nabbed it at the same time he negotiated with the government to have you for the Inquisition. The government still believes you’re just a Normal, by the way, but that you might have aptitude to be a missed witch or Fenerec-born. And since Desmond likes you, the military opted to give you to the Inquisition. The military is viewing you as Desmond’s bodyguard.”
“Is that good or bad?”
“It’s good. It’ll keep that Vice Admiral from becoming too much of a pest. That man is an annoyance.”
“Haney?”
“Yes, him. He hasn’t been briefed on the Inquisition, as he’s considered to be too ambitious. He has been flagged as a concern for exposure of the supernatural. His general conduct with you has always been up for discussion, because you should not have been handled in the fashion you were. Considering your aversion to using lethal force, you shouldn’t have even been considered for some of those missions.”
“I’ve killed.”
“But it’s not your nature to kill. Desmond was concerned over how you’d handle killing Julie. You seem to have handled it fine enough.”
“She had been warned, and I wasn’t going to let her do anything to Anthony or Lane.” My wolf huffed at the mention of the woman. Petra decided Amber wasn’t a threat and opted to close her eyes and take a nap, using me as a pillow.
I kept on scratching the animal, considering the past and how I’d handled killing Julie. Time had mostly done its job, and while I still regretted her death, I didn’t regret pulling the trigger. I would have regretted inaction far more.
“That’s what I thought. We’ve been fighting over if you’re an Alpha or Omega. Your inclination to avoid lethal force is more of an Omega trait, but you otherwise behave as an Alpha. But then Sanders reminded us Sara often behaves like an Alpha because she’s surrounded by a lot of Alphas who need to be put back into their place. Your control over your wolf implies you’re Omega. No, that’s not right. You don’t need to control your wolf at all, which is an Omega trait. Desmond thinks if Anthony were to undergo the ritual, he’d shake out to be an Omega.”
I tensed. “Anthony?”
“He’s interested, but he won’t take the dive until he talks with you about it, or he finds a Fenerec to be his mate. He’s a good candidate, and considering his relationship with you, it’s a good idea. Lane’s a pretty good candidate as well, but he’d shake out more dominant. Military men usually do. He’ll need a lot of work before he’d be approved, though. Military types have to be reintegrated into society. You’ll need to go through reintegration and possibly therapy, but Desmond and his wife can help you with that. Wendy’s good with helping ex-military adapt to civilian life.”
“I’ve been in hiding for a decade.”
“That doesn’t mean you’ve adapted to civilian life. You’ve been treating the past decade as a special op. You’ve had to, else you wouldn’t be able to stay under the radar. Moving forward, you don’t have to do that. You can get a job you want, and the only time you’ll be brought into special ops is if the Inquisition has a job that suits your actual skills. You have a lot of adapting to do.” Amber ate more of the stew, peering around the cabin while she chewed. “I’ve been living in the equivalent of a fortress since bonding with the hyperactive menace currently outside terrorizing her father. The only thing I’d miss about the fortress would be the jet tub. Jet tubs are good for old, tired bones.”
I chuckled. “I’m capable of building a cabin
from scratch. Installing a jet tub is not beyond my means. Here? I’d have to get a second generator just for it, but it’s not beyond my means at all. I have a fairly nice tub installed, but it doesn’t have jets. I had to order that from China.” I pointed in the direction of the bathroom. “I’m not old, but I’m tired and like to soak as much as the next man.”
“Most men would rather choke to death than admit they like luxuries.” Amber got to her feet and checked my bathroom. “Oh. This is nice. You did this all yourself?”
“I did.”
“Will you want to stay here?”
I snorted. “With their tendency to brand wolves? I am not itching to stay.”
“If you weren’t a Fenerec already, would you consider becoming one to dodge death?”
I wondered what Amber thought, but rather than ask, I took my time thinking about her question. “That really depends. If I was happy with my life and being a Fenerec would let me stay with people I loved, very probably. Death can’t be reversed, and being a Fenerec doesn’t stop death. It just delays it for a while. It might be a long while, but death comes to all. What do you have worth living for? That’s the question you should be asking. But if someone is miserable, forcing them to become a Fenerec to dodge death from old age seems cruel.”
“I’m not miserable.”
“I didn’t say you were. But are you happy with what you have?’
“I’ve been a witch for so long I’m not sure how to be anything else.”
“And I’ve been on the run from the military for so long I don’t know what it means to be able to stop and stay somewhere. Sounds like we’re in very similar boats. The important part is that you now have the choice. It’s okay if you say no, and I mean that. No matter how much everyone wants you to say yes, if you want to say no, say no.”
My wolf didn’t like the idea of losing the woman to time’s natural course, but he understood. In his way, he even agreed.
She needed to want it, for herself, not because anyone else wanted that for her.
Amber tapped the left side of her head. “The cancer is mostly here, and it’s spreading. The Normal doctors I’ve been to have basically concluded the same thing. At its current rate of spread, I could reach the end in six months. It could end in five minutes. I’m at a high risk of a lethal stroke, and the location of the cancer means I could lose cognitive and motor skills in a matter of hours. I’m already impaired in some ways, but I try to hide that from Nicole. Well, she’s trying to switch to being called Nicolina now. Richard tends to become sad whenever she’s called Nicole, and they’re bonded enough she can sense that.”
“And she’s not handling your failing health well, is she?”
“No, she’s not. She barely needs me as a witch now, especially now that Richard’s bonded with Dante. Dante is able to handle the entire pack, fortunately. That’s helped a lot.”
“Right now, could you take the months or years needed to learn how to be a wolf rather than a witch?”
“Yes.”
“You have nothing to lose going through the ritual. If you don’t survive it, you don’t suffer.” I grimaced at the callousness of my comment. “I never liked the idea of someone suffering for the sake of others. If you can’t win against the cancer, how is it fair to you to make you suffer? If you don’t want to endure that, I don’t think you should. Does becoming a Fenerec cure cancer?”
“It does, and my age would revert to prime of life. That process can take a while, though. I have a lot of years to reverse. I’m over a hundred.”
I whistled. “You’re looking damned fine, then.”
Amber snorted. “It’s an illusion. My natural face is a much more wrinkled and gaunter version of this. This is what I looked like well over eighty years ago, although I’m better dressed now. So much better dressed. I’ve seen more wars than anyone should. I tend to lie about my childhood. It’s easier to pretend I’m not old enough to be most people’s great-grandmothers. My therapist calls it a very bad coping mechanism, but then she acknowledges I’m coping pretty damned well for an antique capable of beating the shit out of whippersnapper SEALs. Do you know what they’d do if they saw who I actually am and can still kick their asses?”
“They’d cry,” I predicted. “From a mix of awe and shame. In my case, more awe than shame, but I’d be back for more because that just can’t stand, Amber.”
“Well, you’re a wolf, and wolves like getting their asses kicked, and they always come back for more. Wolves conquer every mountain they can, or they get their asses kicked trying. I do most of my fighting with guns, but I give it a week before I won’t shoot anymore because of the cancer. Honestly, if we weren’t in hostile territory, I’d stop shooting now.”
“I’ll do the shooting for you if necessary.”
“Before I looked at the shot you took, I would have been skeptical, but you’re probably as good with guns as I am.”
I raised a brow. “I love the art, I don’t like what the art is used for. I don’t like to kill.”
“That’s not a bad thing, Declan.”
“You’re one of the few who think that.”
“Lane respects you because of it, because after having looked over your general file, he was right. If you took the kill shot, you’d be the best in the field, but you prefer not to kill unless absolutely necessary.”
“Death can’t be undone.”
“No, it can’t,” she agreed. “What do you think I should do?”
I wondered when the last time Amber had gotten to decide something for herself. “I think you need to do what you want, not what anyone else wants for you. What I want for you doesn’t matter. What Desmond wants for you doesn’t matter. What Nicole wants for you doesn’t matter. What Richard wants for you doesn’t matter. But, if this helps, pretend you’re moving to a remote part of Russia with the intention of never seeing any of them again. Does that make you happy?”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“You didn’t even think about that,” I commented.
“I didn’t have to. When we came here, all I could think about was how lonely you must be. But then we discovered you have a nice wolf keeping you some company, but that’s not the same either, is it?”
“It’s not.”
“Are you happy living in a remote part of Russia?” she asked, her tone amused.
“Not particularly. I found it was rather easy giving Dante a call, and it only took one opportunity for me to do so. Once I decided to, it wasn’t hard at all.” I checked on the fire, prodded the coals to help keep the temperature closer to what Richard needed for his baking bread, and shrugged. “Well, there are some things I like. I liked building this cabin. The culture here is different, and I like seeing those differences. But I was never happy with the reason why I’ve been living in a remote part of Russia.”
“I can understand that, especially since you don’t like killing at all. Why are you willing to perform the ritual on me?”
“Do I need a reason?” I shrugged. “I can make a few guesses on why my wolf is willing. It involves his general interest in capable women, something that hasn’t been an option until now. And while he was intrigued by any single woman to cross his path, his reaction to Julie, especially at the end, wasn’t positive.”
“She was on the verge of running wild, and wild wolves don’t make wise choices. But yes, I’d noticed how uncomfortable you’d been around her. And yes, I was aware of how much I intrigued you.”
“Intrigue. You have not stopped intriguing me,” I corrected.
She chuckled. “Was it the SEALs, or are you interested in cougars?”
It took me a moment to remember cougars were older women hunting younger men. “You’re like a gold medal cougar, aren’t you?”
“I really am. My last date was a decade ago, Declan.”
I snorted my laughter. “I have you beat. I’ve never been on a date.”
“Ever?” Amber blurted.
“My mother taught me wolv
es mate for life, and my wolf made it clear that is his way just like she said. I’ve never been able to offer a woman that sort of security, so no. I’ve never dated. I never met another Fenerec before meeting Desmond, and my mother had taught me I’d be killed if anyone figured out what I was—and she’d been killed for being a witch. I wasn’t going to take that risk.”
“That must have been lonely for you. Fenerec don’t do well alone.”
“It’s all I’ve ever known.”
“It’s hard being old,” Amber admitted. “I just can’t afford to do anything that takes time. I don’t have any time left.”
“Like time to accept proposals from random men who blurt them out because you beat on SEALs for fun?”
She chuckled. “Yes, I haven’t felt I have time for things like that. Had I been fifty years younger, I might’ve spent some time thinking about it before issuing a rejection. Your work with the sniper rifle would have won you a date for certain.”
“Can you shine some light on why Julie behaved like that?”
“Even before being kidnapped, Julie wasn’t all that stable. Being kidnapped didn’t help her stability. According to Patricia, they were treated well enough, but Julie and her wolf were already borderline. She needed a better pack and a chance to reform. As far as I can tell, she viewed Lane and Anthony as competition. If they were around, you would be focused on caring for them. Which is accurate, because you do initially act like an Alpha. It’s like you’re both an Alpha and an Omega in one package. You have many Alpha tendencies, but you otherwise act like an Omega.”
“Does it matter if I’m an Alpha or an Omega?”
“It does,” Amber admitted. “If you’re an Omega, you’ll be able to help other Fenerec regain control if they’re borderline, and all you’d have to do is walk into the room.”
“Well, that didn’t work with Julie.”
“That’s because you’re not mated. Julie decided you would be her mate without your consent, and her wolf essentially went wild because of it. If you hadn’t killed her, one of us likely would have. We take that seriously. Once you’re mated, I suspect you’ll either go hardline Alpha or you’ll shake out as an Omega. Your military experience would make you demonstrate as an Alpha because it had been needed to survive. Omegas have similar problems to Alphas in terms of being part of a pack. Sanders has had to deal with that with his mate. Sara does not handle being alone well, and there’s always somebody in Seattle’s pack making sure her wolf has company. They basically have a rotation now. Omegas are stable, but Sara had a hard time starting out as a Fenerec, and it still shows sometimes. And Sanders does everything he can, but he can’t be with her every moment of every day, so the entire pack pitches in now and makes sure she has the support she needs. Could she survive on her own? Absolutely. She’s at no risk of losing control of her wolf, which is what makes her an Omega. I think you have that trait, too, but you were raised to be an Alpha instead. Richard’s submissive, but he was brought up in a pack to be the Alpha, so his submissive traits get buried. That causes him problems. Now that his pack is more aware he was born a submissive, they don’t test him nearly as much. They know he can act as an Alpha, but he gets the emotional support submissives need. I suspect that’s what happened to you, but in a military context. And an Omega being forced to kill? That’s a dangerous position for you to be in.”