by Evans, A. K.
Before I could say anything else, my phone rang. I looked down at the display and saw that my brother, Logan, was calling.
“Hey, Logan. What’s up?”
“I need to cancel my appointment with you for this afternoon.”
That was odd.
“Is everything alright?”
“Yeah,” he started. “I know you said you had a really tight schedule this week, so I’m giving up my appointment. One of my clients here at the shop needs your expertise on a project he’s working on. It’ll be huge for your career.”
Logan still didn’t know. He didn’t know why I tried to stick to only female clients. Wes was really the only male client I had, but I didn’t have the trust concerns with him. He was Elle’s brother and I trusted him like I trusted Luke and Logan; I’d known him nearly my entire life.
“Um, well,” I stammered, trying to think of a way out.
Logan cut in, “I’m not going anywhere else, so we can reschedule to meet on my stuff another time. I don’t want you to miss out on this opportunity, Lex. You can still come here for the meeting. When I told him about what you do, he asked if I could arrange a meeting quickly. That’s why I’m giving up my spot.”
At least Logan had arranged for the meeting to take place at his shop. He would be there and it eased my concerns a bit. I’d just go to this meeting, explain how it wasn’t going to work for me, and get out of it that way.
“Alright. I’ll stop over as scheduled then.”
There was no excitement in my voice.
“You’re welcome, Lexi,” Logan teased.
If only he knew.
“I’m sorry. Thanks, Logan. I appreciate the referral,” I started. “I’m in a meeting right now, so I’ve got to go. I’ll see you later.”
I disconnected with my brother and looked to Elle. “Sorry about that.”
“It’s no problem at all,” she remarked.
“Alright, so we’re set with the meet-and-greet details on our end. You’re going to have Levi get security squared away or, I guess I should say, Levi is probably already doing that without you having to ask.”
Elle laughed before she confirmed, “Precisely.”
“Great,” I began. “I have to head out now to check out those two offices, but we’re good for tomorrow night, right?
Elle’s face softened before she declared, “Of course. Let me know if you need anything between now and then.”
“Will do,” I replied as we both stood and grabbed our things.
The two of us walked outside together. Before she took off in the opposite direction toward her car, I called out to Elle.
“Yeah, Lex?”
“Thanks for listening.”
She gave me a nod and a wink before taking off.
At that, I got in my car and took a deep breath. I had done it. I finally confided in someone about what happened and I was proud of myself.
One step at a time.
I was determined to get back all the pieces of myself that were taken from me. I just knew that some would be harder to find than others.
“How did office hunting go?”
I was back in Rising Sun at Logan’s automotive shop.
“Very good, actually. I saw two places earlier this afternoon and the second one is nearly perfect. I still have a couple more locations to check out over the next two days, though, so I don’t want to make any final decisions until then.”
I paused a moment before I went on, “So, who is this client?”
“Grant Chambers. He’s the senior VP of Logistics and Distribution for Glazier’s Supply.”
“Oh,” I started. “He doesn’t own the company, right?”
Logan shook his head. “No. He’s the head of a new project the company is working on. The guy makes a lot of money and has been bringing his cars here for years to get performance work done on them. I have one of his cars here now and had to call him about something for that. We got to talking and he mentioned this new project he’s in charge of seeing through. He didn’t give me many details other than to explain that it was a non-profit and they’re hoping to get some charitable donations for it. I figured you’d probably be able to help.”
I liked the fact that the guy was a longtime client of Logan’s, but I was still uneasy about working with a man I didn’t know. I didn’t have an opportunity to respond to my brother or fret about the situation because one of his employees yelled out from across the shop, “Logan!”
We turned our heads toward his employee and that’s when I also saw a man dressed in a suit walking toward us. It had to be him.
The man made his way over. Once he was standing in front of us, Logan made introductions.
“Lexi, this is Grant Chambers. Grant, this is my sister, Lexi.”
Mr. Chambers held his hand out to me. I hesitated a moment, but realized Logan would know something was up if I didn’t shake the man’s hand. I lifted my hand, tensed the moment his hand touched mine, and quickly let go as I offered, “It’s nice to meet you.”
“I was just telling Lexi that the project you need help with is to find funding for a non-profit.”
Mr. Chambers nodded and confirmed, “Yes. I’ve been working on this the last few weeks. I’ve got the location locked down and a staff ready to go, but we want to get the public’s help in continuing to provide funding for the non-profit.”
“Have you opened?”
“Not yet. It’s been tough trying to balance work, this project, and home life. I’ve got two teenage daughters at home. My wife makes sure they get to practices, but I’ve got to be there for the cheerleading competitions for one and the basketball games for the other. Needless to say, I’m about a week behind and I can’t delay opening much longer.”
He was married and had two teenage daughters. This news instantly made me feel better.
“I can imagine how full your schedule must be, Mr. Chambers. My schedule is pretty tight this week with appointments, but I do have time in the evenings open if there’s a real need to push for this to be done quickly. I also have quite a bit of open space next week where I’d really be able to get a lot accomplished. Are you just looking for exposure for the non-profit to gain donors? If so, that should be relatively easy to accomplish on a tight schedule. Of course we’ll need to discuss details of the target audience. What did you say the organization was?”
“I didn’t, but it’s WAAR. And please, call me Grant.”
What?
I scrunched up my nose and my brows furrowed. I had no idea of what this was.
“I’m sorry…war?” I asked, feeling sheepish.
Grant chuckled and clarified, “W-A-A-R. It’s an acronym for Windsor Against Abuse and Rape. It’s a rape crisis center where victims of sexual assault and abuse of any kind can seek refuge if needed along with access to the necessary services that’ll help them through these traumatizing experiences.”
I just managed to catch myself from audibly gasping.
“Mr. Chambers,” I started before he cut me off.
“Grant.”
I nodded and continued, “Grant. This sounds like a magnificent organization and I sincerely wish you all the best with it, but I’m not sure I’m going to be the best fit for you.”
“Are you crazy, Lex?” Logan broke in.
I had almost forgotten he was standing there.
My eyes went to his and he continued, “I had no idea what the organization was when Grant and I spoke earlier today, but I think this is incredible. Can you imagine the number of people you’d be helping by using your talents to bring funding to the center?”
He had me there. I couldn’t deny how incredibly important it was that victims of sexual assault receive treatment to help them cope after falling victim to such a heinous crime. I was seriously stuck.
I turned my attention back to Grant. “You’re just looking for me to help promote the organization to gain donors to support your operations, correct?”
“Mostly. Th
e truth is, we want the donations, but they’ll mean nothing if the victims don’t know we’re there to help. We want to spread the word and let people know they have a local resource with highly-skilled professionals accessible to them.”
I was in a tough spot.
“Can you give me the night to think it over?” I asked. “I can take down your number now and give you a call tomorrow morning with my answer.”
“Sure,” he agreed.
I took down his number and just as he was about to walk out, he turned around and made one last-ditch effort to convince me. “I’ve always trusted Logan when it comes to recommendations he’s made on my cars. When I told him about this, he insisted you were the right person for the job. I trust his judgement on this. I hope you’ll take his words to heart. There are no words to describe what WAAR will mean to my wife and daughters. There’s also no telling how many people you’ll help in working with us on this. Please take the time to consider that before you make a final decision.”
“I will.”
At that, Grant left.
“You’d be foolish to pass up this opportunity, sidekick,” Logan lectured from beside me.
That was the nickname Logan and Luke had dubbed me with after the three of us had successfully pranked our parents when we were younger. I demanded they allow me to be in on the fun and I delivered side-bursting laughter on several occasions. Afterward, they gave me the name and it stuck.
“I didn’t say I was passing it up. I just want to think about it. You both said it yourselves. This is such an important cause; I think it needs to be handled properly.”
“Even more reason you should oversee it. Have faith in yourself, Lex. You’re a natural at this. I have no doubt you’ll go above and beyond to make sure these victims get the help they need.”
He was right. I would.
It was the kind of thing I was so passionate about, I’d even consider doing it pro bono. Not that I was able to do anything pro bono since I was really trying to get myself up and running. This was just that important that it would have felt wrong for me to profit from it.
“I appreciate the vote of confidence, Logan. I promise I won’t consider it lightly.”
Logan settled his hand on the top of my head and ruffled my hair. “Alright, I’ve got to get back to work. Let me know what you decide to do and don’t hesitate to reach out to me if you need help with the new office…whether it’s deciding on one or moving into one once you settle on it.”
“Thanks, Logan.”
“Anything for you, Lexi.”
“This sounds like great progress.”
I was sitting across from my therapist, Dr. Camille Lane. She was the woman solely responsible for helping me keep it together all these years. I know the amount of work I had done personally was something to be proud of, but I couldn’t diminish her role in all of it.
I had just told her about the first of two things I needed to share with her: that I’d finally told someone other than her about my rape.
“It is. I just can’t seem get over the feeling of relief I felt as soon as I told someone. And it blows my mind that I’m looking forward to sharing it with someone else. I didn’t expect it would feel this way.”
“What did you expect?” Dr. Lane asked.
I shrugged my shoulders before I answered, “Disappointment. Blame. Judgement.”
“Why do you think that is?”
“I don’t know. All these years I just thought that if I told someone they’d see it differently. I guess I always assumed that they’d think I should have fought back or that I could have avoided it.”
Dr. Lane reiterated what she’d been telling me for years. “Your response to what you experienced is completely normal. In fact, an overwhelming number of individuals have the same reaction. Freezing is the most common response to trauma.”
“I know, but now I feel guilty.”
“About what?”
“It’s been four years. I haven’t trusted anyone to be there for me through this other than you. Part of me believes that I should have given them the opportunity to help me through it. Of course, the other part of me is terrified of disappointing them.”
“While so many individuals can experience a similar version of sexual assault, the healing process is different for everyone. The truth is, you’ve found a way to help yourself heal. While there’s no doubt that an extended support system can be beneficial, it’s not something you need to rush yourself to have.”
“Things are changing for me,” I began. “My life is no longer school. I want to have a successful career doing what I love and I don’t want to be hindered by this anymore.”
“Do you believe that it’s hindering your ability to be successful?”
“To a degree. My bigger concern is that people who love me want to see me do well, so they’re offering their support by sending referrals my way.”
Dr. Lane didn’t respond. She gave me a minute to collect my thoughts before I went on to explain the second thing I needed to discuss with her.
“Logan gave up his meeting time with me today so that one of his clients could take his appointment slot. It was a man and I was initially very hesitant, but I couldn’t just say no because Logan would know something was wrong. He’d be so disappointed.”
“Disappointed?”
“That I didn’t tell him. That I kept this to myself for so long. Mostly? That I didn’t trust him with this. He’s going to be devastated to know that he made things more uncomfortable for me.”
“Do you blame him for putting you in those situations?”
I shook my head furiously. “Not at all. He doesn’t know.”
She let that settle in.
After it did, I dropped the news on her. “The client wants me to help with the opening of a rape crisis center.”
It took her a second before she spoke. “Are you planning to accept the job?”
“Do you think I should?”
After giving me a knowing smile, she responded, “You know I can’t give you that answer. You have to decide what is right for you.”
I took in a deep breath. “I was really hoping you’d throw me a bone here and tell me what to do. This organization is necessary. I wouldn’t care if there were five others in the city; there can never be too much help for this. But this hits so close to home for me. I just don’t know if I’m up to the challenge. To be honest, I never expected this and, going into this meeting, I thought the biggest hurdle was going to be coming up with a plausible excuse so that I wouldn’t have to work with a man.”
Dr. Lane broke it down for me. “Let’s take it one hurdle at a time. Before you decide on what working for the center will mean for you personally, how do you feel about the fact that it’ll require you to work with a man?”
“Initially it bothered me. A lot. He’s a long-standing client of my brother’s shop, so that helps a little bit. But it was what he said before he left the meeting that made me feel a bit more at ease.”
“And what was that?” she wondered.
“Aside from reiterating how many people I could play a part in helping, he said that he couldn’t begin to describe what the organization would mean to his wife and two teenage daughters. I can’t help feeling like one of them might have experienced some form of sexual assault and he’s doing this so he can feel like he’s helping or making a difference. Deep down I know there are good people…good men in the world. It’s just been very hard for me to not feel that anxiety around them. But hearing what was almost desperation in his voice made me believe that he is one of those good men.”
Dr. Lane questioned me on the next part of the problem. “So, aside from how you feel about working with a man on this, how do you feel about the cause?”
“Of course I believe in it. I just don’t know if being part of it will set me back.”
“What role would you play?”
“Mostly just spreading the news about it. There are two parts to that, though. I’d
need to try and solidify financial backers whose donations will help pay the operating costs so that the center will remain free to the victims. That’s the easy part. I’d also have to get the word out to the victims. That’s the hard part. The logistics of it are easy; the emotional part of it is what’s difficult.”
I paused a moment and thought about it. Dr. Lane left me to it.
“I want to do it,” I finally declared. “I think I’ll be fine as long as I do my job and stick to that.”
That was the reality. I had plenty of valid concerns about taking on this project. Concerns so legitimate that, should anyone know the reason behind them, most people wouldn’t blame me for declining to take on the job. But when I thought long and hard about it, I knew it wouldn’t help me. I wanted to heal. I didn’t want this awful incident that happened four years ago to continue to plague my life every day. I wanted to own my choices. I wanted to be the one in control of my decisions. This felt like my first real attempt to give myself that control.
So, I was going to take it.
I was going to grab hold of this opportunity to prove to myself how far I’d come. In the end, I knew I’d be successful because not only was I capable of it, but this cause was too important to me to allow it to be anything but a victory.
After talking a bit longer with Dr. Lane, I left and made my way home to my apartment.
I was still in the same apartment my parents had helped me with when I transferred schools. They’d supported me through college, but as soon as I graduated I wanted to take that burden from them. When Monroe offered me a steady job and I got a couple months of consistent income under my belt, I took over full responsibility of my living expenses.
I liked where I lived. My apartment wasn’t a place I planned to live in forever, but I was happy here for the time being. The space had become familiar and it was my own.
I made myself a quick dinner and called Nikki. She’d been officially dating my brother Luke since last fall, though they’d hooked up with each other prior to that. Luke was head-over-heels in love with her and it filled me with such happiness to see them finally together in a meaningful way.