by Evans, A. K.
“Good morning, Cruz.”
His mouth stopped moving and he pulled back to look at me. “I like your morning voice,” he shared.
“You’ve heard it before,” I noted.
“Yeah, but never in your bed before.”
“Well, I like you in my bed,” I declared.
Cruz grinned and insisted, “I’m cool with having regular sleepovers with you. Feel free to invite me over whenever you want.”
“I’ll have to keep that in mind,” I shared as I leaned into him and pressed a kiss to his chest. “Thank you again for coming here for me last night. I know I keep saying that, but I really want to make sure you understand how much it helped me.”
He leaned over and pressed a kiss to my forehead before I hugged him.
“Can I get your opinion on something?”
“Sure,” he responded.
“Yesterday before I left WAAR, I gave the girl I told you about last night and her friend my business card. I wanted them to know they could reach out to me if either of them needed someone to talk to about what happened. From the moment I handed them those cards until now, I’ve been thinking and I am trying to decide whether or not I want to get some official volunteer training. They offer it at the center because I guess you really can’t ever have enough help.”
Cruz approved, “I think it’s a great idea if you feel it’s something you can handle. Obviously, I wouldn’t want to see you do anything that’s going to hurt you, but if you feel strongly about it, I’ll support you one hundred percent.”
His support meant everything to me, so I smiled up at him. “It might mean less time for us to spend together for a week or two while I get the necessary training. Plus, any time I spend there actually volunteering will be less time.”
There was a gentle squeeze on my hip before Cruz maintained, “I’d never stand in your way of doing something like this. Obviously, I want to spend as much time as I can with you, but I’m not going to stop you from doing something that’s going to possibly help you and will definitely help others.”
“I’m going to call Dr. Lane this morning and see if she has any time this evening to meet with me. I want to talk to her about what happened last night and my thoughts about moving forward with volunteering. It was hard to see that girl show up yesterday, knowing what she’d been through. I just want to make sure I’m not setting myself up for failure in my own recovery.”
He nodded and agreed, “That’s probably a good idea. And just so you know, if you ever want me to go with you to a therapy session, I’m more than happy to do it. I don’t know if that’s something your doctor offers or if it’s even something she’d encourage, but I want you to know that I am willing to do that for us.”
For us.
“I think I’d like to kiss you, Cruz,” I hinted, pressing my body into his.
He grinned at me and promised, “I’m not going to stand in your way of doing that, either.”
The two of us spent the next few minutes in my bed kissing. It was a wonderful way to wake up and I found myself looking forward to more mornings doing that very same thing. I had a feeling it wouldn’t be long before I invited Cruz for another sleepover.
Following my morning make out session with Cruz, we both got ready for work. I made a quick call to Dr. Lane and found that she had some free time just after lunch where she could squeeze me in for a session. Cruz and I made a quick stop at Colvert’s for breakfast before we went our separate ways. Cruz went to the Cunningham Security offices and, instead of heading to my office, I took a detour.
I stopped at WAAR because I wanted to check on Riley. I didn’t know if she’d still be there or even how she’d feel now that she had some time to process what had happened to her, but I figured if I could offer her a bit of encouragement it couldn’t hurt.
I arrived and quickly got an answer. Paige was out in the common area, where she had a cup of coffee in her hand. She saw me and gave me a friendly smile and a wave, but one look at her told me it had been a rough night.
Approaching her, I guessed, “She didn’t have a good night, did she?”
Paige’s guilt was written all over her face. She shook her head. “Not at all.”
I held up the bag of goodies I picked up at Colvert’s and wondered, “Do you think she’ll be up for some goodies and a visitor?”
“Yeah,” she stated. “You seem to have made an impression last night. I think she’d like that.”
Paige and I walked back to the room she and Riley stayed in last night. When we walked in, we found her sitting up in the bed, her back against the wall.
“Hey, Riley,” I greeted her.
“Hi, Lexi,” she replied, her voice void of emotion. “What are you doing here?”
She wasn’t angry with me, merely curious.
“I hope it’s alright that I stopped in. I was heading to work and thought I’d bring you both breakfast from the best place in town,” I explained as I held out the bag to her.
Instead of jumping right in and asking her how she was feeling, I figured it was best to simply make my support known by being there. I didn’t want to make assumptions based on how she reacted to me yesterday when she arrived at WAAR and then find out that she was no longer comfortable sharing. The truth was, when I was raped and chose not to tell anyone but my therapist, it was clear that I was uncomfortable with sharing my experience at that time. Riley had been the opposite of me in the first few hours after it happened in that she was open about it. Since I understood that everyone reacted differently to trauma, I wanted to let her be the one to lead the conversation wherever she wanted it to go.
Riley took the bag from my hands and opened it. I had purchased an assortment of croissants, bagels, muffins, and fruit.
“Thank you.”
I gave her a nod.
“I’m confused,” Paige cut in.
When Riley and I turned to look at her she went on, “Yesterday you said that you don’t work here. If that’s the case, why are you here?”
Hmm. I wasn’t sure how to answer. I didn’t know if I wanted to give them the full truth of why I was there.
“I gave you my card yesterday. I actually own a public relations firm. Those advertisements that you saw about the center were my work. I handled all of the marketing and promotion for WAAR.”
“So, you’re the reason I knew where to go,” Riley stated. There was no question in her words. She was simply stating a fact. “Wow, I wish I could be you right now instead of being the one who needs to be here.”
She had no idea that I’d been through the same thing as her. I wasn’t offended by what she said and I completely understood her sentiments.
The girls pulled the food out of the bag and I was happy to see Riley was at least eating. After she’d gotten some food in her stomach, she looked at me and shared, “Last night was awful. I woke up crying uncontrollably and it took a long time for me to realize I wasn’t in any danger.”
“The staff here was amazing,” Paige added. “I was panicked and unsure of how to best help her, but seeing them take care of her last night I now know I can help her after we leave here.”
It felt good. As much as I hated that Riley was going through this, I was so proud to be part of something that was going to have a positive impact in the lives of so many women and girls.
Riley let out a sob and buried her face in her hands. Spontaneous crying. I knew all about it.
Paige immediately moved to her friend and wrapped her arms around her.
“I feel like I’m…” she hiccoughed. “It’s like I’ll never live a normal life again. I don’t want to leave here.”
I made a split-second decision.
I knelt down in front of her, held her hand in mine, and assured her, “It’s ok, Riley. It is normal to feel fearful and to also want to feel normal again. But it takes time. And there’s no deadline for getting yourself to a place that makes you feel like yourself again. The most important thing to remember is t
hat it wasn’t your fault and you’re not alone. I look at you and can’t even begin to tell you how strong you are.”
“I’m not strong at all. I couldn’t even fight him off.”
“Riley, you are. And you’re going to get through this. You’ve got an amazing best friend who is here for you, you’ve got the center, and you’ve got me here if you need me. We’ll all make sure you get through this.”
She sighed, clearly not believing that things would get better for her.
“I want to tell you something, sweetie,” I started.
When her eyes came to mine, I let it out to the first person I didn’t really know that well. But I did it because I knew she needed me to do that for her.
“I just told you I was here yesterday because I took part in making sure people knew that WAAR was here. What I didn’t tell you is that four years ago I felt the same way you do now. I was raped by a guy I was dating during my freshman year in college. It took me just over two months to realize I needed to see a therapist. And then I never told anyone else up until three weeks ago. I came here yesterday to sit in on a group therapy session and I wish I would have sought help like that years ago. In my opinion, and having been there before, telling Paige and coming here is a huge first step toward healing yourself. It’s going to take time, but trust me, you will get there.”
“You were raped too?” she whispered her question.
I gave her a few slow nods and replied, “Yeah. And I hesitated when I was approached about doing the marketing for the center, but I came to realize that something this important needed to be handled properly. Giving up on something that would become vital to the recovery of sexual assault and rape survivors just wasn’t an option for me.”
“I’m so sorry that happened to you.”
“Thank you. I’ve only told a handful of people about what happened to me. You and Paige are two on a very short list, but I want you to see that it does get better. You need to do what feels best for you, but if I can make any suggestion to you I’m going to tell you that getting help is so important. Talking with survivors can be tremendously helpful and I’m only just now learning that. If you decide you want that help, it’s here for you.”
Riley pulled her hand free from mine and shocked me by hugging me tight. I held on to her just as fiercely and ran my hand up and down her back.
“It gets better, I promise,” I repeated.
“Thank you for sharing that with me. You’ve given me some hope.”
“You’re welcome,” I started as I stepped out of her embrace. “I should get going because I need to talk with one of the workers here before I go to a meeting, but don’t hesitate to call me if you need anything. And you can expect to see me around here on a regular basis now because I’m planning on becoming an official volunteer. I’m making it part of my own recovery and healing.”
As I turned to walk out, she called out to me. “Lexi?”
“Yeah?”
“Would you mind being there with me for my first group therapy session? I think I’d like to go to the next one.”
I gave her a bright smile and answered, “Absolutely.”
At that, I turned and walked out.
I made my way out and spoke with one of the staff members. After expressing my desire to become an official volunteer, I was given a rundown on the specifics of the program. Essentially, I’d have to go through a seventy-hour counselor advocate training course in addition to submitting a background check and child abuse clearances since it was possible children could end up coming in. I was truly looking forward to completing the training and not only healing myself, but also helping others on their road to recovery.
Just as I was about to head out to get to my appointment with Dr. Lane, Grant showed up. I hadn’t expected to see him there.
“Hi, Grant,” I greeted him.
He was caught off guard, his head jerking back when he saw me standing there. Blinking away his surprise, he replied, “Lexi, good to see. What are you doing here?”
I wasn’t going to bring up Riley, so I said, “I’ve been doing some thinking and I’m going to start volunteering here. I just got all of the information on the training course and I think I’m going to do the fast-track option this weekend. I think there’s a lot of good I can do here.”
His eyes rounded, evidently shocked by my admission. “Really? That’s…well, that’s great. We certainly can use all the help we can get. You’ve done so much for the center already, though.”
“I appreciate that. While I’m hoping to help and have an impact on the lives of some of the women here, this is something I’m doing for myself, too.”
“Your dedication is commendable, Lexi,” he approved. “And thank you again for all that you’ve done to get the word out. This opening week has been a huge success. The donations still have not stopped and, from what I’ve gathered from the staff, we’ve been helping a lot of women. As sad as the last half of that is considering this is our first week open, it’s good to know we’re accomplishing what we hoped we would.”
Before I could respond, my attention was directed to someone clearing their throat. When I turned my head to the side, there was a guy standing there.
“Um, hi,” he started. “I heard that you guys help victims of sexual assault and rape. I was wondering if you could help me.”
I looked to Grant who immediately answered, “I’m sorry, but this is a women’s center. We can certainly give you a referral to another location.”
This was horrible. I realized it was a women’s center, but I couldn’t imagine turning someone away who needed help.
“It’s not for me specifically,” the man clarified. “About a week ago my girlfriend was assaulted. I don’t know how to best help her.”
“Grant?” I called. “I don’t mean to overstep, but when I came in yesterday and checked out the place I saw a few rooms in the back not being used. I don’t want to traumatize the women any further, but there is plenty of staff here. And you’re here occasionally. Maybe we could allow him to get some help just for today in one of those rooms?”
Grant gave me a nod and turned to the man. “What’s your name?”
“Shaun.”
“Follow me, Shaun,” Grant said before turning to me. “Lexi, good to see you again. We’ll touch base again soon about some community fundraising events we’d like to do.”
“Sounds great. I’m looking forward to it. I’ll see you later,” I ended. Before I walked away I looked at Shaun. “It’s admirable that you’re looking for ways to help your girlfriend. I hope she gets the help she needs. If she’s not comfortable in a setting like this, they can recommend therapists to help her in a one-on-one setting.”
Shaun gave me a simple nod and thanked me. He and Grant took off toward one of the spare rooms at the back of the center and I left the building.
I made my way to Dr. Lane’s office. The appointment with her went well and as expected. I was finding more and more that I already knew what Dr. Lane’s responses to my questions would be. Even still, I found I still liked having that reassurance as added security. I didn’t know if it was something I’d need forever. All I knew was that it was something I needed now and, even if she thought I didn’t need to come any longer, Dr. Lane never told me I should stop visiting when I felt I needed her support.
After my appointment, I went to my office and got to work. I spent most of my afternoon and early into the evening working on things for Logan’s garage and Leni’s yoga studio. In addition, I started trying to do some planning for Elle. She had decided that she was going to do another mini-tour this coming summer. She didn’t have any specific locations nailed down yet, but knew that she wanted to at least go back to Las Vegas since the last time she was there one of her shows was cut short. Other than giving me her timeline and telling me that she wanted to have enough time in between locations to drive and do some sightseeing, she was leaving the tour up to me.
After I shut everything down,
I pulled out my phone and called Nikki.
“Hey, babe. What’s going on?” she answered.
“Hi, sis. I was wondering if you’ve got any plans for tonight?”
“Nope,” she replied. “I’m actually leaving the salon now and heading to Luke’s.”
Bummer. I didn’t want to intrude on their evening.
“Oh,” I started. “Never mind then. I thought if you were home and didn’t have anything planned I could stop by and hang with you for a bit.”
“So come to Luke’s place,” she insisted. “He’s actually going to be working with my dad in the garage. Apparently, my dad’s newfound freedom has resulted in him getting his own motorcycle. Of course, he bought one that needed work done to it, so Luke’s offered to help him with it. I have no interest in that, so if you come over I’ll have someone to keep me company.”
“Are you sure?”
She laughed, “I’m begging you!”
“Ok. I’m leaving the office now. I’ll see you soon.”
I needed some girl time, even if it was only for a couple hours. Witnessing Riley and Paige earlier today had me feeling regretful that I’d lost so much of myself to my rape. One of those parts was my close connections with people. Friends. I wanted that again. Now that I was in a place where I was aware of what it took from me, I was determined to get it back. And Nikki was one who I’d be able to talk with about some of the other things I wanted to get back.
Things that involved Cruz.
“I’m scared.”
My voice was muffled as I stood inside Cruz’s arms with my face pressed to his chest.
“It going to be okay, Lexi. I promise,” he assured me.
I tightened my arms around his waist, attempting to find the security in his words. I wasn’t sure I managed to accomplish that.
It was now Sunday afternoon, about three and a half weeks after Cruz and I had discussed my need to tell my parents about my rape. Cruz had just shown up at my apartment and we were going to be heading over to my parents’ house for a late lunch. When Cruz and I talked about it a few weeks ago, I felt confident that the time was right and that I was ready to share the news with my parents. Despite feeling anxiety about telling them, I still knew I wanted to tell them. Not only did I know it would help me remove more bricks from my shoulders, but I also believed my parents deserved to know. They had always been supportive of me and, even though I knew they’d be shattered, I didn’t want to keep it from them any longer.