by Gail Koger
“Angela’s kid is sick. You on duty?”
“I am.”
Annie slid me a sarsaparilla and asked casually, “Are more of your Coletti friends coming?”
“They are. We’re tracking a traitor who’s selling psychic humans to the Rodan.” I mentally flashed her the image of Mary Beth. “Seen her around?”
“Didn’t she used to date your cousin Ethan?”
“She did, but Ethan couldn’t stand Mary Beth’s odd habits and broke it off.”
“Odd habits? She was a Chatty Kathy and had the annoying habit of being an expert on every topic under the sun.”
“That was a big turn off, but Ethan found it difficult to get romantic with a gal who constantly had a floss pick stuck in her mouth. I think the final straw came when she started hogging the rearview mirror to check for witches’ hairs on her chin,” I said.
“You’re joking, right?”
“Nope.” I made the sign of the cross. “Cross my heart and swear to God, it’s all true. Kaylee’s parents felt sorry for Mary Beth and got her a job at Central Command’s secretarial pool. They thought the military would give her the structure she needed.”
Annie shook her head in disbelief. “Wow. That went south in a big way. I’m pretty sure Mary Beth is one of the dancers Tom just hired. They’re scheduled to do the cancan in about five minutes.”
“We want to quietly take her into custody and I’m hoping she doesn’t put up a fuss.”
“You should be able to handle one skinny bitch. If not, I’ve got Bertha.” Annie pulled a shotgun from under the bar and racked it. “It would be my pleasure to fill her backside with buckshot.”
“Got a laser pistol under there too?”
“You know me. I’m always armed.” Annie motioned at Hothar. “Who’s the big dude in the nun’s habit?”
“That’s Hothar, my mate.”
Annie’s jaw dropped. “Mate? Aren’t you a little young for that nonsense?”
I shrugged. “I am, but our minds are linked now, and that connection can never be broken. Unless one of us dies. Which would suck.”
“Damn, the Coletti warriors have the until death do us part thing down pat. How does your uncle feel about it?”
“He considers it a mixed blessing. I’m still in shock at how fast we bonded. The problem is we’re horny all the time and we can’t consummate our relationship until I’m twenty-one. That’s two years from now! I mean, seriously? Who comes up with these stupid rules?”
“Adults with your best interests in mind. I bet the General’s going nuts trying to contain two lovesick teenagers,” Annie chortled.
“Zarek isn’t happy with us either.”
Alarm filled Annie’s eyes. “Zarek? Is he coming here?”
“Probably.” I placed my hand over hers. “Relax. Your shields are very, very good.”
“Evidently not good enough.” A shudder shook her. “When did you know I was like you?”
“The last Tai-Kok attack. You’re damn good at killing monsters with your mind.”
“It’s a gift and a curse. My husband called me the Reaper.”
“I seem to remember he was a bit of a coward. Didn’t he take the jeep and leave you to face the Tai-Kok alone?”
A bitter smile pulled at Annie’s mouth. “He did and got eaten for his troubles.”
“Karma’s a bitch.”
“Are my shields good enough to fool the Overlord?” There was a note of fear in Annie’s voice.
I chewed on my lower lip. “I don’t know. I’ll do my best to keep them away from you.”
“Thank you.” Annie squeezed my hand as a Cancan song began to play over the loudspeakers. “Now go catch that bitch.”
“My pleasure.” I linked with Hothar and Adan who were still doing selfies with the tourists. “Mary Beth is one of the Cancan dancers.”
The curtains on the raised stage slid back and dancers wearing red satin dresses and black fishnet stockings broke into the Cancan.
“She is the dancer on the right,” Adan said.
My gaze locked on the woman. Even though she was wearing heavy theatrical makeup and a godawful black wig, I knew it was Mary Beth.
Mary Beth’s eyes widened when she spotted me.
I walked up to the stage and shouted, “Mary Beth Dunson you’re under arrest for treason and three hundred and one counts of murder. Oh yeah, you’ve got a nasty ass hair on your chin too.”
“Well, you’re ugly and a dead fink!” Mary Beth pulled a Glock from God knows where and opened fire.
I dropped to the floor. Fink? The flying bullets took out the stage lights, the chandelier and several gas lamps on the wall. She always was a piss-poor shot.
The other dancers fled.
Hothar bellowed his terrifying war cry and charged the stage.
“Surrender Mary Beth and you might live to floss another day,” Annie said calmly over the loudspeakers.
“Death to the fake Sirens, Coletti invaders and their allies!” Mary Beth shouted and fired at Hothar. A window shattered behind him.
The audience clapped loudly.
My temper flared. Not only was she shooting at my honey bunny, but the tourists too. She was so going down. “That bitch is mine,” I told the boys. I pulled both of my six shooters and fired. The first bullet knocked the gun out of Mary Beth’s hand and second blew the red feather plume off her hat. There was a reason I could play Annie Oakley. I was one hell of a sharpshooter.
Mary Beth shrieked in fury and produced a laser pistol.
Hothar teleported behind her.
“Nice try, you evil harpy.” I blasted the pistol out of her hand too.
The crowd roared their approval.
The twisted bitch pulled out a derringer.
Where in the hell was she hiding all those guns?
“I have blood rights to the female,” Adan roared. There was a streak of black as a tentacle looped around the derringer and yanked it away.
The entire crowd gasped in horror when more tentacles sprouted from Wyatt Earp’s body and a huge maw formed where his face should have been. Screams erupted as everyone ran for their lives.
Smart tourists.
“You won’t let him eat me,” Mary Beth said confidently.
Hothar chuckled. “And why is that?”
“I am the queen,” Mary Beth declared.
“The queen of what?” I had always been a curious kid.
“Of the Coletti people. Waewae is my husband.”
My eyebrows shot up in astonishment. “You’re a member of Earth First who wants all of the aliens gone from Earth, and you married one? Don’t get me wrong, you’re perfect for each other, but where in the hell did you two meet?”
“The Rodan commander Bay Kal introduced us. It was love at first sight.”
Huh? A Rodan fix up. Who knew they believed in love or marriage? “When you became a traitor Mary Beth, you went all the way. Literally.”
“Unlike you, I’m doing what’s right for our galaxy. Your precious clan claims they’re the saviors of our people. What a crock. You’re in cahoots with the Coletti usurpers and you stole my Siren powers.”
Was Mary Beth suffering from some form of mind control or just loony toons? “Sweetie if you married Waewae, you’re also in cahoots with the aliens, and how in the hell did we steal your Siren powers? You never had any.”
“Every time Ethan fucked me, he siphoned off some of my incredible psychic abilities. When there was nothing left, he dumped me and moved on to his next victim. You’re all energy sucking vampires. Waewae was able to restore my gifts and now I’m stronger than all of you. Bow down to me or I will destroy your feeble minds.”
Hothar grinned like a loon. “Please try.”
“Wait! Before you destroy our feeble minds, you do realize the Rodan like to eat psychic brains? Right?”
Mary Beth cackled. “They fear us. Waewae, Lilkee and me are the most formidable beings in the universe.”
“No. Th
at would be Qa’a, the leader of the Katanic shapeshifters and the Overlord,” I retorted.
Hothar interjected, “Don’t forget Bebo, the Gorum king.”
“Gee, how could I forget him? Zoey and Bebo are best buddies. Then there’s the Alliance.”
“Enough! With my quantum logic gates, I will lay waste to the Coletti, Katanic and Gorum Empires,” Mary Beth crowed.
“Sweetie, that was the wrong thing to say.”
“Eat her, Adan,” Hothar instructed.
Mary Beth squawked as Adan’s tentacles grabbed her. “Stop him! I am your queen. It’s your duty to protect me.”
“No. It is not,” Hothar growled and pulled off his nun’s habit. “I answer only to Zarek, Detja and the Battle Commander. You are a pathetic female, not a queen, and you do not have the intelligence to build the quantum logic gates or run Earth First. But soon you will eagerly tell us who your leader is.”
“Feel my wrath,” Mary Beth shrieked and scrunched up her face in fierce concentration.
With her shotgun slung over one shoulder, Annie walked up, seemingly unconcerned with Adan’s appearance. “Is she constipated or is someone fucking her mentally?”
I laughed. “No. She’s trying to smite us with her mind.”
“Huh? I don’t feel anything. How about you ’all?”
“Nope. Nada,” I replied.
Hothar shook his head and eyed Annie curiously.
Adan waved a tentacle at us. “Can I eat her now?”
“No,” Hothar and I said in unison.
“Die! Die! Die!” Mary Beth’s voice was a wail.
Annie’s blue eyes shimmered with amusement. “Give it a rest, Tinkerbell, you couldn’t swat a fly with your mental abilities, let alone a Siren or a Coletti warrior or a shapeshifter. Do the right thing and tell Casey who’s running Earth First. You were part of her family once. What happened to your heart? How can you let innocent people be eaten by the monsters?”
“The Jones clan are the monsters!” Mary Beth’s face contorted even more. “They don’t deserve to live.”
“Neither do you,” Hothar interjected. “Know this. The pain will be excruciating as Adan’s digestive juices slowly melt away your flesh. No one will hear your screams. It will take three, long days before your heart ceases to beat. Tell us what we want to know, and I will grant you a merciful death.”
“Why aren’t you dead?” Mary Beth’s eyes popped open and she stared at us in utter horror. “You should all be dead.”
“You’re a null. That means you don’t have a lick of extrasensory talents and can’t kill us with your mind,” Annie replied.
Was her being a null the reason I had never picked up on Mary Beth’s treasonous behavior?
“You’re lying. That’s impossible. They promised me I would be stronger than Zarek. I would rule the galaxy with Waewae and Lilkee,” Mary Beth screeched.
Annie rolled her eyes. “And you believed them? Are you that gullible? Or just stupid?”
“Lilkee knows what it feels like to be betrayed by her own family. To have her powers taken. To be deemed worthless. To see her home world destroyed by fools. Now you will feel our pain. You will lose everything you hold dear and watch as the Earth is annihilated.”
A swarm of emotions swept over me. Rage, hatred and a fierce desire for vengeance. “Well, boohoo. Your feelings got hurt. Get over it, you psychotic bitch. After we welcomed you into our homes, you betrayed us. Then you did the unthinkable. You sold your own people to the Rodan. It’s only fitting you suffer the same fate. Say hello to Dovers.” I gestured at Adan. “She’s all yours.”
“Put me down! Put me down!” Mary Beth screamed until a tentacle silenced her.
“She would be quite tasty dipped in chocolate,” Adan commented.
“You like chocolate?” This day was full of surprises.
“Very much so.” Her feet kicking wildly, Mary Beth was quickly stuffed inside Adan’s gaping maw.
“When I have the time, I bake chocolate chip cookies and shit like that. I’ll make you some.”
“Chocolate cake too?” Hothar wanted to know.
“My specialty is German Chocolate cake.” Prickles ran up my back. Dang. More bad guys.
Annie called, “Hostiles, twelve o’clock.”
I peeked out the swinging doors. Five Genghis Khan wannabes stalked down the street like Japanese gunslingers out of some weird western skit. Their lacquered red body armor gleamed under the sun.
The tourists took one look at them and ran in the opposite direction.
“Earth First must have sent them to retrieve Mary Beth,” Hothar said.
“And the bad news is, they’re all wearing quantum logic gates. The last thing we need is more of them going boom,” I added.
Annie stared out the window. “What’s up with those funky domed helmets?”
“They’re supposed to strike fear into their enemies’ heart,” I answered.
“What were they thinking? Antlers aren’t scary. The dudes kinda remind me of extras from some fourth-century samurai war movie.”
Hothar smiled, showing a lot of fang. “They are easily defeated in battle.”
“Damn, I was hoping for a good fight,” Annie said sorrowfully.
Adan morphed into his true form. “I am starving. They will do nicely for dinner.”
“Wait!” I grabbed a tentacle and grimaced at the slime oozing through my fingers. “Will the acid in your stomach cause the logic gates to explode?”
“It is a possibility.” Adan changed back into his Wyatt Earp form and rubbed his hands together. “We will have a shoot-out at the K.O. Corral.”
“Yippee-ki-yay,” I moaned.
Annie grinned at me. “You know such interesting lifeforms.”
“Comes with the territory.” I grabbed a napkin and wiped the goop off my hand. “Wait until you meet Bey.”
“Bey?”
“He’s a Tabor.”
“I’ll pass. Eight-legged critters give me the willies,” Annie said with a shudder.
“What’s the plan Hot Lips?”
Annie snickered.
Expelling a long-suffering sigh, Hothar said, “While Adan draws their attention, I teleport in behind them and we can catch them in a crossfire.”
“Good plan.” I pulled my Colt Frontier six-shooters and twirled them expertly. “Annie and I will lay down cover fire if necessary.” I slid them back in the holsters.
Hothar handed me one of his laser pistols. “First thing tomorrow, I am buying you some body armor and a proper Coletti weapon.” He leaned down and gave me a long voracious kiss with tongue.
“Be still my heart. I’ve always wanted a sword. Now if I only had some chocolate and a bed, life would be perfect.”
My honey bunny snorted.
I tucked the pistol in my gun belt. “Be careful.”
Hothar vanished.
“Whooee!” Annie fanned herself. “I can see why you’re horny all the time. He’s a four-alarm fire.”
“Yep. One touch and I go up in flames.”
“Does he have any brothers? It’s been so long, I’m technically a virgin again.”
“As fascinating as human sexual behavior is, I have some outlaws to kill.” A badge appeared on Adan’s shirt. He tipped his hat at us. “Ladies.” Assuming his best lawman demeanor, he sauntered out the swinging doors. His spurs jingled with every step he took. Adan stopped in the middle of the dirt street, his hands hovered over his pistols. “I am Marshal Earp. Leave now or the undertaker will be puttin’ you in a pine box.”
“Oh, dear God. He’s getting off on playing a lawman,” I lamented.
“How’s his quick draw?”
“We’ll soon find out.”
The Legionnaires rhythmically pounded their feet against the ground. “Waewae tama-nur-ra. Waewae tama-nur-ra. Waewae tama-nur-ra.”
Annie watched them for a moment. “What the fuck are they doing?”
“Those crazy bastards have to do a
dance before they can attack their enemies.”
“Seriously?”
“Yep. Their casualty rate is astronomical,” I replied.
“I can see why.”
We quickly took cover behind two large concrete planters on the wooden walkway.
Hothar appeared behind the dancers and watched them in amusement.
“Waewae tama-nur-ra.” The warriors stopped when Adan suddenly broke into a Texas Two-Step followed by an Irish jig.
Annie giggled.
Hothar raised his eyes heavenward.
“Waewae tama-nur-ra,” the Genghis Khan copycats shouted and broke into an acrobatic dance with their swords.
“It sorta reminds me of one of those Maori tribal war dances, but without the tongues,” Annie commented.
“It does, doesn’t it.” I pointed at a momma skunk and her kits ambling down the street. “They might create some problems.”
Annie grinned. “Count on it. Critter control is one of my gifts.”
“Kaylee has that too. It comes in handy.”
“It sure does.”
Dozens of sword wielding tentacles sprouted from Adan and he did a funky version of the Scottish Highland jig.
“Has he ever thought about doing one of those dance-off vid shows? I bet he’d be a big hit,” Annie said.
“Zarek would have a cow,” I replied.
Adan spun to a stop and bellowed, “Surrender or die.”
“Ka nate whakatu. Tutu ngarahu. Waewae,” the warriors shouted, stomping their feet to some silent beat. They stopped abruptly and pointed their swords at Adan. “Give us Mary Beth Dunson or be destroyed,” the Legionnaires said in unison.
“If you insist.” Adan’s tentacles twisted wildly as his body heaved and pulsed. Buuuaaahhh. He spat out a goop covered Mary Beth. Her skin was bright red and kinda melty looking. Big clumps of her hair were missing.
The Legionnaires stared at her in disgusted alarm.
Mary Beth shrieked, “Hack them to pieces.”
“Sic ’em,” Annie commanded the skunks.
“Retreat guys.” I flashed them an image of the black and white critters. “Things are about to get stinky.”
The skunks raised their tails and stamped their front feet.
Hothar eyes widened in horror and he teleported.
“Ka nate whakatu. Tutu ngarahu. Waewae.” The Legionnaires charged Adan with raised swords.