THE WOLF AT SUSAN'S DOOR
BY ANNE WARNER
"Well, Lucy has got Hiram!"
There was such a strong inflection of triumphant joy in Miss Clegg'svoice as she called the momentous news to her friend that it would havebeen at once--and most truthfully--surmised that the getting of Hiramhad been a more than slight labor.
Mrs. Lathrop was waiting by the fence, impatience written with awandering reflection all over the serenity of her every-day expression.Susan only waited to lay aside her bonnet and mitts and then hastened tothe fence herself.
"Mrs. Lathrop, you never saw nor heard the like of this weddin' day inall your own days to be or to come, and I don't suppose there ever willbe anything like it again, for Lucy Dill didn't cut no figger in her ownweddin' a-_tall_,--the whole thing was Gran'ma Mullins first, last andforever hereafter. I tell you it looked once or twice as if it wouldn'tbe a earthly possibility to marry Hiram away from his mother, and nowthat it's all over people can't do anything but say as after all Lucyought to consider herself very lucky as things turned out, for if thingshadn't turned out as they did turn out I don't believe anything on earthcould have unhooked that son, and I'm willin' to swear that anywhere toany one.
"Do you know, Mrs. Lathrop, that Gran'ma Mullins was so bad off lastnight as they had to put a mustard plaster onto her while Hiram went tosee Lucy for the last time, an' Mrs. Macy says as she never hear thebeat o' her memory, for she says she'll take her Bible oath as Gran'maMullins told her what Hiram said and done every minute o' his life whilehe was gone to see Lucy Dill. And she cried, too, and took on the wholetime she was talkin' an' said Heaven help her, for nobody else could,an' she just knowed Lucy'd get tired o' Hiram's story an' he can't behappy a whole day without he tells it, an' she's most sure Lucy won'tlike his singin' 'Marchin' Through Georgia' after the first month ortwo, an' it's the only tune as Hiram has ever really took to. Mrs. Macysays she soon found she couldn't do nothin' to stem the tide except todrink tea an' listen, so she drank an' listened till Hiram come homeabout eleven. Oh, my, but she says they had the time then! Gran'maMullins let him in herself, and just as soon as he was in she bu'st intofloods of tears an' wouldn't let him loose under no consideration. Shesays Hiram managed to get his back to the wall for a brace 'causeGran'ma Mullins nigh to upset him every fresh time as Lucy come overher, an' Mrs. Macy says she couldn't but wonder what the end was goin'to be when, toward midnight, Hiram just lost patience and dodged outunder her arm and run up the ladder to the roof-room an' they couldn'tget him to come down again. She says when Gran'ma Mullins realized as hewouldn't come down she most went mad over the notion of her only son'sspendin' the Christmas Eve to his own weddin' sleepin' on the floor o'the attic and she wanted to poke the cot up to him but Mrs. Macy saysshe drew the line at cot-pokin' when the cot was all she'd have to sleepon herself, and in the end they poked quilts up, an' pillows an'doughnuts an' cider an' blankets, an' Hiram made a bed on the floor an'they all got to sleep about three o'clock.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, what do you think? What _do_ you think? They was soawful tired that none of 'em woke till Mrs. Sperrit come at eleven nextday to take 'em to the weddin'! Mrs. Macy says she hopes she'll be putforward all her back-slidin's if she ever gets such a start again. Shesays when she peeked out between the blinds an' see Mrs. Sperrit'sSunday bonnet an' realized her own state she nearly had a fit. Mrs.Sperrit had to come in an' be explained to, an' the worst of it was asHiram couldn't be woke nohow. He'd pulled the ladder up after him an'put the lid on the hole so's to feel safe, an' there he was snug as abug in a rug an' where no human bein' could get at him. They holleredan' banged doors an' sharpened the carvin' knife an' poured grease onthe stove an' did anything they could think of, but he never budged.Mrs. Macy says she never was so close beside herself in all her lifebefore, for Gran'ma Mullins cried worse 'n ever each minute an' Hiramseemed like the very dead couldn't wake him.
"They was all hoppin' around half crazy when Mr. Sperrit come along onhis way to the weddin' an' his wife run out an' told him what was thematter an' he come right in an' looked up at the matter. It didn't takelong for him to unsettle Hiram, Mrs. Macy says. He got a sulphur candlean' tied it to a stick an' h'isted the lid with another stick, an' inless 'n two minutes they could all hear Hiram sneezin' an' comin' to.An' Mrs. Macy says when they hollered what time it was she wishes thewhole town might have been there to see Hiram Mullins come down toearth. Mr. Sperrit didn't hardly have time to get out o' the way an' hedidn't give his mother no show for one single grab,--he just bouncedinto his room and you could have heard him gettin' dressed on the farside o' the far bridge.
"O' course, us at Lucy's didn't know anythin' a-_tall_ about Mrs. Macy'stroubles. We had our own, Heaven help us, an' they was enough, for thevery first thing of all Mr. Dill caught his pocket on the corner of Mrs.Dill an' come within a ace of pullin' her off her easel. That would havebeen a pretty beginnin' to Lucy's weddin' day if her father had smashedher mother to bits, I guess, but it couldn't have made Lucy any worse;for I will say, Mrs. Lathrop, as I never see no one in all my born lifeact foolisher than Lucy Dill this day. First she'd laugh an' then she'dcry an' then she'd lose suthin' as we'd got to have to work with. An'when it come to dressin' her!--well, if she'd known as Hiram wassleepin' a sleep as next to knowed no wakin' she couldn't have put onmore things wrong side out an' hind side before! She wasn't dressed tillmost every one was there an' I was gettin' pretty anxious, for Hiramwasn't there neither, an' the more fidgety people got the more theycaught their corners on Mrs. Dill. I just saved her from Mr. Kimball,an' Amelia saw her goin' as a result o' Judge Fitch an' hardly had timefor a jump. The minister himself was beginnin' to cough when, all of asudden, some one cried as the Sperrits was there.
"Well, we all squeezed to the window, an' such a sight you never saw.They was gettin' Gran'ma Mullins out an' Hiram was tryin' to keep herfrom runnin' the color of his cravat all down his shirt while she wassobbin' 'Hi-i-i-i-ram, Hi-i-i-i-i-ram,' in a voice as would wring yourvery heart dry. They got her out an' got her in an' got her upstairs,an' we all sat down an' begin to get ready while Amelia played 'Lead,Kindly Light' and 'The Joyous Farmer' alternate, 'cause she'd mislaidher Weddin' March.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, you never knowed nothin' like it!--we waited,_an'_ we waited, _an'_ we waited, an' the minister most coughed himselfinto consumption, an' Mrs. Dill got caught on so often that Mr. Kimballtold Ed to stand back of her an' hold her to the easel every minute.Amelia was just beginning over again for the seventeenth time when atlast we heard 'em bumpin' along downstairs. Seems as all the delay comefrom Lucy's idea o' wantin' to walk with her father an' have a weddin'procession, instid o' her an' Hiram comin' in together like Christiansan' lettin' Mr. Dill hold Gran'ma Mullins up anywhere. Polly says shenever see such a time as they had of it; she says fightin' wolves waslayin' lambs beside the way they talked. Hiram said frank an' open asthe reason he didn't want to walk in with his mother was he was sure shewouldn't let him out to get married, but Lucy was dead set on theprocession idea. So in the end they done it so, an' Gran'ma Mullins'ssobs fairly shook the house as they come through the dinin'-room door.Lucy was first with her father an' they both had their heads turnedbackward lookin' at Hiram an' his mother.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, it was certainly a sight worth seem'! The way thatGran'ma Mullins was glued on! All I can say is as octopuses has gottheir backs turned in comparison to the way that Hiram seemed to be allwrapped up in her. It looked like wild horses, not to speak of LucyDill, wouldn't never be able to get him loose enough to marry him. Theminister was scared; we was all scared. I never see a worse situation tobe in.
"They come along through the back parlor, Lucy lookin' back, Mr. Dillwhite as a sheet, an' Hiram walkin' like a snow-plough as isn't sure howlong it can keep on makin' it. It seemed like a month as they was underway before they finally got stopped in front o' the minister. An' thencome _the_ time! Hiram had to step beside Lucy an' take her hand an' hecouldn't! We all just gasped. T
here was Hiram tryin' to get loose andMr. Dill tryin' to help him. Gran'ma Mullins's tears dripped till youcould hear 'em, but she hung on to Hiram like he'd paid for it. Theyworked like Trojan beavers, but as fast as they'd get one side of himuncovered she'd take a fresh wind-round. I tell you, we all just heldour breath, and I bet Lucy was sorry she persisted in havin' aprocession when she see the perspiration runnin' off her father an'Hiram.
"Finally Polly got frightened and begun to cry, an' at that the deaconput his arm around her an' give her a hug, an' Gran'ma Mullins looked upjust in time to see the arm an' the hug. It seemed like it was the lasthay in the donkey, for she give a weak screech an' went right over onMr. Dill. She had such a grip on Hiram that if it hadn't been for Lucyhe'd have gone over, too, but Lucy just hung on herself that time, an'Hiram was rescued without nothin' worse than his hair mussed an' onesleeve a little tore. Mr. Sperrit an' Mr. Jilkins carried Gran'maMullins into the dinin'-room, an' I said to just leave her fainted tillafter we'd got Hiram well an' truly married; so they did.
"I never see the minister rattle nothin' through like thatmarriage-service. Every one was on whole papers of pins an' needles, an'the minute it was over every one just felt like sittin' right straightdown.
"Mrs. Macy an' me went up an' watered Gran'ma Mullins till we broughther to, and when she learned as it was all done she picked up wonderfuland felt as hungry as any one, an' come downstairs an' kissed Lucy an'caught a corner on Mrs. Dill just like she'd never been no trouble to noone from first to last. I never seen such a sudden change in all mylife; it was like some miracle had come out all over her and therewasn't no one there as wasn't rejoiced to death over the change.
"We all went out in the dinin'-room and the sun shone in and every onelaughed over nothin' a-_tall_. Mrs. Sperrit pinned Hiram up from insideso his tear didn't show, and Lucy and he set side by side and lookedlike no one was ever goin' to ever be married again. Polly an' thedeacon set opposite and the minister an' his wife an' Mr. Dill an'Gran'ma Mullins made up the table. The rest stood around, and we was allas lively as words can tell. The cake was one o' the handsomest as Iever see, two pigeons peckin' a bell on top and Hiram an' Lucy runnin'around below in pink. There was a dime inside an' a ring, an' I got thedime, an' they must have forgot to put in the ring for no one got it."
Susan paused and panted.
"It was--" commented Mrs. Lathrop, thoughtfully.
"Nice that I got the dime?--yes, I should say. There certainly wasn't noone there as needed it worse, an', although I'd never be one to call adime a fortune, still it _is_ a dime, an' no one can't deny it thehonor, no matter how they feel. But, Mrs. Lathrop, what you'd ought tohave seen was Hiram and Lucy ready to go off. I bet no one knows they'rebrides--I bet no one knows _what_ they are,--you never saw the like inall your worst dreams. Hiram wore spectacles an' carpet-slippers an'that old umbrella as Mr. Shores keeps at the store to keep from bein'stole, and Lucy wore clothes she'd found in trunks an' her hair incurl-papers, an' her cold-cream gloves. They certainly was a sight, an'Gran'ma Mullins laughed as hard as any one over them. Mr. Sperrit drove'em to the train, an' Hiram says he's goin' to spend two dollars a dayright along till he comes back; so I guess Lucy'll have a good time foronce in her life. An' Gran'ma Mullins walked back with me an' not oneword o' Hiram did she speak. She was all Polly an' the deacon. She saidit wa'n't in reason as Polly could imagine him with hair, an' she saidshe was thinkin' very seriously o' givin' her a piece o' his hair asshe's got, for a weddin' present. She said Polly 'd never know what hewas like the night he give her that hair. She said the moon was shinin'an' the frogs were croakin', an' she kind o' choked; she says she can'tsmell a marsh to this day without seein' the deacon givin' her thatpiece of hair. I cheered her up all I could--I told her anyhow hecouldn't give Polly a piece of his hair if he died for it. She smiled aweak smile an' went on up to Mrs. Brown's. Mrs. Brown asked her to staywith her a day or two. Mrs. Brown has her faults, but nobody can't denyas she's got a good heart,--in fact, sometimes I think Mrs. Brown's goodheart is about the worst fault she's got. I've knowed it lead her to dovery foolish things time an' again--things as I thank my star I'd neverthink o' doin'--not in this world."
Mrs. Lathrop shifted her elbows a little; Susan withdrew at once fromthe fence.
"I must go in," she said, "to-morrow is goin' to be a more 'n full day.There's Polly's weddin' an' then in the evenin' Mr. Weskin is comin' up.You needn't look surprised, Mrs. Lathrop, because I've thought thesubject over up an' down an' hind end foremost an' there ain't nothin'left for me to do. I can't sell nothin' else an' I've got to have money,so I'm goin' to let go of one of those bonds as father left me. Thereain't no way out of it; I told Mr. Weskin I'd expect him at sharp eighton sharp business an' he'll come. An' I must go as a consequence. Goodnight."
* * * * *
Polly Allen's wedding took place the next day, and Mrs. Lathrop cameout on her front piazza about half past five to wait for her share inthe event.
The sight of Mrs. Brown going by with her head bound up in a whitecloth, accompanied by Gran'ma Mullins with both hands similarly treated,was the first inkling the stay-at-home had that strange doings had beenlately done.
Susan came next and Susan was a sight!
Not only did her ears stand up with a size and conspicuousness neverinherited from either her father or her mother, but also her right eyewas completely closed and she walked lame.
"The Lord have mercy!" cried Mrs. Lathrop, when the full force of herfriend's affliction effected its complete entrance into herbrain,--"Why, Susan, what--"
"Mrs. Lathrop," said Miss Clegg, "all I can say is I come out betterthan the most of 'em, an' if you could see Sam Duruy or Mr. Kimball orthe minister you'd know I spoke the truth. The deacon an' Polly is bothin bed an' can't see how each other looks, an' them as has a eye isgoin' to tend them as can't see at all, an' God help 'em all if youngDr. Brown an' the mud run dry!" with which pious ejaculation Susanpainfully mounted the steps and sat down with exceeding gentleness upona chair.
Mrs. Lathrop stared at her in dumb and wholly bewildered amazement.After a while Miss Clegg continued.
"It was all the deacon's fault. Him an' Polly was so dead set on bein'fashionable an' bein' a contrast to Hiram an' Lucy, an' I hope to-nightas they lay there all puffed up as they'll reflect on their folly an'think a little on how the rest of us as didn't care rhyme or reason forfolly is got no choice but to puff up, too. Mrs. Jilkins is awful mad;she says Mr. Jilkins wanted to wear his straw hat anyhow and, she saysshe always has hated his silk hat 'cause it reminds her o' when she wasyoung and foolish enough to be willin' to go and marry into a family aswas foolish enough to marry into Deacon White. Mrs. Jilkins is extra hotbecause she got one in the neck, but my own idea is as Polly Allen'sweddin' was the silliest doin's as I ever see from the beginnin', an'the end wan't no more than might o' been expected--all thingsconsidered.
"When I got to the church, what do you think was the first thing as Isee, Mrs. Lathrop? Well, you'd never guess till kingdom come, so I mayas well tell you. It was Ed an' Sam Duruy an' Henry Ward Beecher an'Johnny standin' there waitin' to show us to our pews like we didn't knowour own pews after sittin' in 'em for all our life-times! I just shookmy head an' walked to my pew, an' there, if it wasn't looped shut with adaisy-chain! Well, Mrs. Lathrop, I wish you could have been there tohave felt for me, for I may remark as a cyclone is a caterpillar wove upin hisself beside my face when I see myself daisy-chained out o' my ownpew by Polly Allen. Ed was behind me an' he whispered 'That's reservedfor the family.' I give him one look an' I will state, Mrs. Lathrop, ashe wilted. It didn't take me long to break that daisy-chain an' sit downin that pew, an' I can assure you as no one asked me to get up again.Mrs. Jilkins's cousins from Meadville come an' looked at me sittin'there, but I give them jus' one look back an' they went an' sat withMrs. Macy themselves. A good many other folks was as surprised as meover where they had to sit, but we soon had other surprises as took t
hetaste o' the first clean out o' our mouths.
"Just as Mrs. Davison begin to play the organ, Ed an' Johnny come downwith two clothes-lines wound 'round with clematis an' tied us all inwhere we sat. Then they went back an' we all stayed still an' couldn'tbut wonder what under the sun was to be done to us next. But we didn'thave long to wait, an' I will say as anythin' to beat Polly's ideas Inever see--no--nor no one else neither.
"'Long down the aisle, two an' two, an' hand in hand, like they thoughtthey was suthin' pretty to look at, come Ed an' Johnny an' Henry WardBeecher an' Sam Duruy, an' I vow an' declare, Mrs. Lathrop, I never wasso nigh to laughin' in church in all my life. They knowed they wasfunny, too, an' their mouths an' eyes was tight set sober, but some onein the back just _had_ to giggle, an' when we heard it we knew as thingsas wasn't much any other day would use us up this day, sure. Theystopped in front an' lined up, two on a side, an' then, for all theworld like it was a machine-play, the little door opened an' out comethe minister an' solemnly walked down to between them. I must say we wasall more than a little disappointed at its only bein' the minister, an'he must have felt our feelin's, for he began to cough an' clear up histhroat an' his little desk all at once. Then Mrs. Davison jerked out theloud stop an' began to play for all she was worth, an' the door behindbanged an' every one turned aroun' to see.
"Well, Mrs. Lathrop, we saw,--an' I will in truth remark as such asawin' we'll never probably get a chance to do again! Mrs. Sweet saysthey practised it over four times at the church, so they can't deny asthey meant it all, an' you might lay me crossways an' cut me intochipped beef an' still I would declare as I wouldn't have the face toown to havin' had any hand in plannin' any such weddin'.
"First come 'Liza Em'ly an' Rachel Rebecca hand in hand carryin'daisies--of all things in the world to take to a weddin'--an' then comeBrunhilde Susan, with a daisy-chain around her neck an' her belt stuckfull o' daisies an'--you can believe me or not, jus' as you please, Mrs.Lathrop, an' still it won't help matters any--an' a daisy stuck in everybutton down her back, an' daisies tangled up in her hair, an' a bunch o'daisies under one arm.
"Well, we was nigh to overcome by Brunhilde Susan, but we drawed somefresh breath an' kept on lookin', an' next come Polly an' Mr. Allen. Iwill say for Mr. Allen as he seemed to feel the ridiculousness of itall, for a redder man I never see, nor one as looked more uncomfortable.He was daisied, too--had three in his button-hole;--but what took us allwas the way him an' Polly walked. I bet no people gettin' married everzig-zagged like that before, an' Mrs. Sweet says they practised it bycountin' two an' then swingin' out to one side, an' then countin' twoan' swingin' out to the other--she watched 'em out of her attic windowdown through the broke blind to the church. Well, all I can say is, thatto my order o' thinkin' countin' an' swingin' is a pretty frame o' mindto get a husband in, but so it was, an' we was all starin' our eyes offto beat the band when the little door opened an', to crown everythin'else, out come the deacon an' Mr. Jilkins, each with a daisy an' a silkhat, an' I will remark, Mrs. Lathrop, as new-born kittens is blood-redmurderers compared to how innocent that hat o' Mr. Jilkins' looked. Anyone could see as it wasn't new, but he wasn't new either, as far as thatgoes, an' that was what struck me in particular about the wholething--nothin' an' nobody wasn't any different only for Polly'sfoolishness and the daisies.
"Well, they sorted out an' begun to get married, an' us all sittin'lookin' on an' no more guessin' what was comin' next than a ant looksfor a mornin' paper. The minister was gettin' most through an' thedeacon was gettin' out the ring, an' we was lookin' to get up an' outpretty quick, when--my heavens alive, Mrs. Lathrop, I never will forgetthat minute--when Mr. Jilkins--poor man, he's sufferin' enough for it,Lord knows!--when Mr. Jilkins dropped his hat!
"That very next second him an' Ed an' Brunhilde Susan all hopped an'yelled at once, an' the next thing we see was the minister droppin' hisbook an' grabbin' his arm an' the deacon tryin' madly to do hisself upin Polly's veil. We would 'a' all been glum petrified at such goin's onany other day, only by that time the last one of us was feelin' to hopand grab an' yell on his own account. Gran'ma Mullins was tryin' to slapherself with the seat cushion, an' the way the daisies flew as folkswent over an' under that clematis rope was a caution. I got out as quickas I--"
"But what--" interrupted Mrs. Lathrop, her eyes fairly marble-like intheir redundant curiosity.
"It was wasps!" said Susan, "it was a young wasps' nest in Mr. Jilkins'shat. Seems they carried their hats to church in their hands 'cause Pollydidn't want no red rings around 'em, an' so he never suspected nothin'till he dropped it. An' oh, poor little Brunhilde Susan in them shortskirts of hers--she might as well have wore a bee hive as to be like sheis now. I got off easy, an' you can look at me an' figure on what themas got it hard has got on them. Young Dr. Brown went right to work withmud an' Polly's veil an' plastered 'em over as fast as they could getinto Mrs. Sweet's. Mrs. Sweet was mighty obligin' an' turned twoflower-beds inside out an' let every one scoop with her kitchen spoons,besides runnin' aroun' herself like she was a slave gettin' paid. Theytook the deacon an' Polly right to their own house. They can't see oneanother anyhow, an' they was most all married anyway, so it didn't seemworth while to wait till the minister gets the use of his upper lipagain."
"Why--" interrogated Mrs. Lathrop.
"Young Dr. Brown wanted to," said Susan, "he wanted to fill my ears withmud, an' my eye, too, but I didn't feel to have it done. You can't dieo' wasps' bills, an' you can o' young Dr. Brown's--leastways when youain't got no money to pay 'em, like I ain't got just at present."
"It's--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"Yes," said Susan, "it struck me that way, too. This seems to be a veryunlucky town. Anything as comes seems to catch us all in a bunch. Thecow most lamed the whole community an' the automobile most broke itsback; time'll tell what'll be the result o' these wasps, but there won'tbe no church Sunday for one thing, I know.
"An' it ain't the least o' my woes, Mrs. Lathrop, to think as I've gotto sit an' smile on Mr. Weskin to-night from between two such ears asI've got, for a man is a man, an' it can't be denied as a woman as ismainly ears ain't beguilin'. Besides, I may in confidence state to you,Mrs. Lathrop, as the one as buzzed aroun' my head wan't really no waspa-_tall_ in comparison to the one as got under my skirts."
Mrs. Lathrop's eyes were full of sincere condolence; she did not evenimagine a smile as she gazed upon her afflicted friend.
"I must go," said the latter, rising with a groan, "seems like I neverwill reach the bottom o' my troubles this year. I keep thinkin' there'snothin' left an' then I get a wasp at each end at once. Well, I'll comeover when Mr. Weskin goes--if I have strength."
Then she limped home.
* * * * *
It was about nine that night that she returned and pounded vigorously onher friend's window-pane. Mrs. Lathrop woke from her rocker-nap, went tothe window and opened it. Susan stood below and the moon illuminated hersmile and her ears with its most silvery beams.
"He's just gone!" she announced.
"Yes," said Mrs. Lathrop, rubbing her eyes.
"He's gone; I come over to tell you."
"What--" said Mrs. Lathrop.
"I wouldn't care if my ears was as big as a elephant's now."
"Why--" asked Mrs. Lathrop.
"Mrs. Lathrop, you know as I took them bonds straight after father diedan' locked 'em up an' I ain't never unlocked 'em since?"
Mrs. Lathrop assented with a single rapt nod.
"Well, when I explained to Mr. Weskin as I'd got to have money an' howwas the best way to sell a bond, he just looked at me, an' what do youthink he said--what _do_ you think he said, Mrs. Lathrop?"
Mrs. Lathrop hung far out over the window-sill--her gaze was the gaze ofthe ever earnest and interested.
Susan stood below. Her face was aglow with the joy of the affluent--hervery voice might have been for once entitled as silvery.
"He said, Mrs. Lathrop, he said, 'Mi
ss Clegg, why don't you go down tothe bank and cut your coupons?'"
The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.) Page 10