HOW WE BOUGHT A SEWIN' MACHINE AND ORGAN
BY JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE
We done dretful well last year. The crops come in first-rate, and Josiahhad five or six heads of cattle to turn off at a big price. He feltwell, and he proposed to me that I should have a sewin' machine. Thatman,--though he don't coo at me so frequent as he probable would if hehad more encouragement in it, is attached to me with a devotedness thatis firm and almost cast-iron, and says he, almost tenderly: "Samantha, Iwill get you a sewin' machine."
Says I, "Josiah, I have got a couple of sewin' machines by me that haverun pretty well for upwards of--well it haint necessary to go intoparticulars, but they have run for considerable of a spell anyway"--saysI, "I can git along without another one, though no doubt it would behandy to have round."
But Josiah hung onto that machine. And then he up and said he was goin'to buy a organ. Thomas Jefferson wanted one too. They both seemed sotonto that organ. Tirzah Ann took hern with her of course when she wasmarried, and Josiah said it seemed so awful lonesome without any TirzahAnn or any music, that it seemed almost as if two girls had married outof the family instead of one. He said money couldn't buy us anotherTirzah Ann, but it would buy us a new organ, and he was determined tohave one. He said it would be so handy for her to play on when she camehome, and for other company. And then Thomas J. can play quite well; hecan play any tune, almost, with one hand, and he sings first-rate, too.He and Tirzah Ann used to sing together a sight; he sings bearatone, andshe sulfireno--that is what they call it. They git up so manynew-fangled names nowadays, that I think it is most a wonder that Idon't make a slip once in a while and git things wrong. I should, if Ihadn't got a mind like a ox for strength.
But as I said, Josiah was fairly sot on that machine and organ, and Ithought I'd let him have his way. So it got out that we was goin' to buya sewin' machine, and a organ. Well, we made up our minds on Friday,pretty late in the afternoon, and on Monday forenoon I was a washin',when I heard a knock at the front door, and I wrung my hands out of thewater and went and opened it. A slick lookin' feller stood there, and Iinvited him in and sot him a chair.
"I hear you are talkin' about buyin' a musical instrument," says he.
"No," says I, "we are goin' to buy a organ."
"Well," says he, "I want to advise you, not that I have any interest init at all, only I don't want to see you so imposed upon. It fairly makesme mad to see a Methodist imposed upon; I lean towards that perswasionmyself. Organs are liable to fall to pieces any minute. There haint nodependence on 'em at all, the insides of 'em are liable to break out atany time. If you have any regard for your own welfare and safety, youwill buy a piano. Not that I have any interest in advising you, only mydevotion to the cause of Right; pianos never wear out."
"Where should we git one?" says I, for I didn't want Josiah to throwaway his property.
"Well," says he, "as it happens, I guess I have got one out here in thewagon. I believe I threw one into the bottom of the wagon this mornin',as I was a comin' down by here on business. I am glad now I did, for italways makes me feel ugly to see a Methodist imposed upon."
Josiah came into the house in a few minutes, and I told him about it,and says I:
"How lucky it is Josiah, that we found out about organs before it wastoo late."
But Josiah asked the price, and said he wasn't goin' to pay out no threehundred dollars, for he wasn't able. But the man asked if we was willin'to have it brought into the house for a spell--we could do as we was amind to about buyin' it; and of course we couldn't refuse, so Josiahmost broke his back a liftin' it in, and they set it up in the parlor,and after dinner the man went away.
Josiah bathed his back with linement, for he had strained it bad aliftin' that piano, and I had jest got back to my washin' again (I hadhad to put it away to git dinner) when I heerd a knockin' again to thefront door, and I pulled down my dress sleeves and went and opened it,and there stood a tall, slim feller; and the kitchen bein' all clutteredup I opened the parlor door and asked him in there, and the minute hecatched sight of that piano, he jest lifted up both hands, and says he:
"You haint got one of them here!"
He looked so horrified that it skairt me, and says I in almost tremblin'tones:
"What is the matter with 'em?" And I added in a cheerful tone, "we haintbought it."
He looked more cheerful too as I said it, and says he "You may bethankful enough that you haint. There haint no music in 'em at all; hearthat," says he, goin' up and strikin' the very top note. It did soundflat enough.
Says I, "There must be more music in it than that, though I haint nojudge at all."
"Well, hear that, then," and he went and struck the very bottom note."You see just what it is, from top to bottom. But it haint its totallack of music that makes me despise pianos so, it is because they are sodangerous."
"Dangerous?" says I.
"Yes, in thunder storms, you see;" says he, liftin' up the cover, "hereit is all wire, enough for fifty lightnin' rods--draw the lightnin'right into the room. Awful dangerous! No money would tempt me to haveone in my house with my wife and daughter. I shouldn't sleep a winkthinkin' I had exposed 'em to such danger."
"Good land!" says I, "I never thought on it before."
"Well, now you _have_ thought of it, you see plainly that a organ isjest what you need. They are full of music, safe, healthy and don't costhalf so much."
Says I, "A organ was what we had sot our minds on at first."
"Well, I have got one out here, and I will bring it in."
"What is the price?" says I.
"One hundred and ninety dollars," says he.
"There won't be no need of bringin' it in at that price," says I, "for Ihave heerd Josiah say, that he wouldn't give a cent over a hundreddollars."
"Well," says the feller, "I'll tell you what I'll do. Your countenancelooks so kinder natural to me, and I like the looks of the country roundhere so well, that if your mind is made up on the price you want to pay,I won't let a trifle of ninety dollars part us. You can have it for onehundred."
Well, the end on't was, he brung it in and sot it up the other end ofthe parlor, and drove off. And when Josiah come in from his work, andThomas J. come home from Jonesville, they liked it first rate.
But the very next day, a new agent come, and he looked awful skairt whenhe katched sight of that organ, and real mad and indignant too.
"That villain haint been a tryin' to get one of them organs off ontoyou, has he?" says he.
"What is the trouble with 'em?" says I, in a awestruck tone, for helooked bad.
"Why," says he, "there is a heavy mortgage on every one of his organs.If you bought one of him, and paid for it, it would be liable to be tookaway from you any minute when you was right in the middle of a tune,leavin' you a settin' on the stool; and you would lose every cent ofyour money."
"Good gracious!" says I, for it skairt me to think what a narrow chancewe had run. Well, finally, he brung in one of hisen, and sot it up inthe kitchen, the parlor bein' full on 'em.
And the fellers kep' a comin' and a goin' at all hours. For a spell, atfirst, Josiah would come in and talk with 'em, but after a while he gottired out, and when he would see one a comin' he would start on a runfor the barn, and hide, and I would have to stand the brunt of it alone.One feller see Josiah a runnin' for the barn, and he follered him in,and Josiah dove under the barn, as I found out afterwards. I happened tosee him a crawlin' out after the feller drove off. Josiah come in ashakin' himself--for he was all covered with straw and feathers--andsays he:
"Samantha there has got to be a change."
"How is there goin' to be a change?" says I.
"I'll tell you," says he, in a whisper--for fear some on 'em wasprowlin' round the house yet--"we will git up before light to-morrowmornin', and go to Jonesville and buy a organ right out."
I fell in with the idee, and we started for Jonesville the next mornin'.We got there jest after the break of day, and bought it of
the man tothe breakfast table. Says Josiah to me afterwards, as we was goin' downinto the village:
"Let's keep dark about buyin' one, and see how many of the creeters willbe a besettin' on us to-day."
So we kep' still, and there was half a dozen fellers follerin' us roundall the time a most, into stores and groceries and the manty makers, andthey would stop us on the sidewalk and argue with us about their organsand pianos. One feller, a tall slim chap, never let Josiah out of hissight a minute; and he follered him when he went after his horse, andwalked by the side of the wagon clear down to the store where I was, aarguin' all the way about his piano. Josiah had bought a number ofthings and left 'em to the store, and when we got there, there stood theorgan man by the side of the things, jest like a watch dog. He knewJosiah would come and git 'em, and he could git the last word with him.
Amongst other things, Josiah had bought a barrel of salt, and the pianofeller that had stuck to Josiah so tight that day, offered to help himon with it. And the organ man--not goin' to be outdone by the other--heoffered too. Josiah kinder winked to me, and then he held the old mare,and let 'em lift. They wasn't used to such kind of work, and it fellback on 'em once or twice, and most squashed 'em; but they nipped to,and lifted again, and finally got it on; but they was completelytuckered out.
And then Josiah got in, and thanked 'em for the liftin'; and the organman, a wipin' the sweat offen his face--that had started out in his hardlabor--said he should be down to-morrow mornin'; and the piano man, apantin' for breath, told Josiah not to make up his mind till _he_ came;he should be down that night if he got rested enough.
And then Josiah told 'em that he should be glad to see 'em down avisitin' any time, but he had jest bought a organ.
I don't know but what they would have laid holt of Josiah, if theyhadn't been so tuckered out; but as it was, they was too beat out tolook anything but sneakin'; and so we drove off.
The manty maker had told me that day, that there was two or three newagents with new kinds of sewin' machines jest come to Jonesville, and Iwas tellin' Josiah on it, when we met a middle-aged man, and he lookedat us pretty close, and finally he asked us as he passed by, if we couldtell him where Josiah Allen lived.
Says Josiah, "I'm livin' at present in a Democrat."
Says I, "In this one-horse wagon, you know."
Says he, "You are thinkin' of buyin' a sewin' machine, haint you?"
Says Josiah, "I am a turnin' my mind that way."
At that, the man turned his horse round, and follered us, and I see hehad a sewin' machine in front of his wagon. We had the old mare and thecolt, and seein' a strange horse come up so close behind us, the coltstarted off full run towards Jonesville, and then run down a cross-roadand into a lot.
Says the man behind us, "I am a little younger than you be, Mr. Allen;if you will hold my horse I will go after the colt with pleasure."
Josiah was glad enough, and so he got into the feller's wagon; butbefore he started off, the man, says he:
"You can look at that machine in front of you while I am gone. I tellyou frankly, that there haint another machine equal to it in America; itrequires no strength at all; infants can run it for days at a time; oridiots; if anybody knows enough to set and whistle, they can run thismachine; and it's especially adapted to the blind--blind people can runit jest as well as them that can see. A blind woman last year, in oneday, made 43 dollars a makin' leather aprons; stitched them all roundthe age two rows. She made two dozen of 'em, and then she made fourdozen gauze veils the same day, without changin' the needle. That is oneof the beauties of the machine, its goin' from leather to lace, and backagain, without changin' the needle. It is so tryin' for wimmen, everytime they want to go from leather to gauze and book muslin, to have tochange the needle; but you can see for yourself that it haint got itsequal in North America."
He heerd the colt whinner, and Josiah stood up in the wagon, and lookedafter it. So he started off down the cross road.
And we sot there, feelin' considerable like a procession; Josiah holdin'the stranger's horse, and I the old mare; and as we sot there, up drivanother slick lookin' chap, and I bein' ahead, he spoke to me, and sayshe:
"Can you direct me, mom, to Josiah Allen's house?"
"It is about a mile from here," and I added in a friendly tone, "Josiahis my husband."
"Is he?" says he, in a genteel tone.
"Yes," says I, "we have been to Jonesville, and our colt run down thatcross road, and--"
"I see," says he interruptin' of me, "I see how it is." And then he wenton in a lower tone, "If you think of buyin' a sewin' machine, don't gitone of that feller in the wagon behind you--I know him well; he is oneof the most worthless shacks in the country, as you can plainly see bythe looks of his countenance. If I ever see a face in which knave andvillain is wrote down, it is on hisen. Any one with half an eye can seethat he would cheat his grandmother out of her snuff handkerchief, if hegot a chance."
He talked so fast that I couldn't git a chance to put in a word age waysfor Josiah.
"His sewin' machines are utterly worthless; he haint never sold one yet;he cant. His character has got out--folks know him. There was a ladytellin' me the other day that her machine she bought of him, all fell topieces in less than twenty-four hours after she bought it; fell onto herinfant, a sweet little babe, and crippled it for life. I see yourhusband is havin' a hard time of it with that colt. I will jest hitch myhorse here to the fence, and go down and help him; I want to have alittle talk with him before he comes back here." So he started off onthe run.
I told Josiah what he said about him, for it madded me, but Josiah tookit cool. He seemed to love to set there and see them two men run. Inever _did_ see a colt act as that one did; they didn't have time topass a word with each other, to find out their mistake, it kep' 'em soon a keen run. They would git it headed towards us, and then it wouldkick up its heels, and run into some lot, and canter round in a circlewith its head up in the air, and then bring up short ag'inst the fence;and then they would leap over the fence. The first one had whitepantaloons on, but he didn't mind 'em; over he would go, right intosikuta or elderbushes, and they would wave their hats at it, and holler,and whistle, and bark like dogs, and the colt would whinner and startoff again right the wrong way, and them two men would go a pantin' afterit. They had been a runnin' nigh onto half an hour, when a good lookin'young feller come along, and seein' me a settin' still and holdin' theold mare, he up and says:
"Are you in any trouble that I can assist you?"
Says I, "We are goin' home from Jonesville, Josiah and me, and our coltgot away and--"
But Josiah interrupted me, and says he, "And them two fools a caperin'after it, are sewin' machine agents."
The good lookin' chap see all through it in a minute, and he broke outinto a laugh it would have done your soul good to hear, it was so clearand hearty, and honest. But he didn't say a word; he drove out to go byus, and we see then that he had a sewin' machine in the buggy.
"Are you a agent?" says Josiah.
"Yes," says he.
"What sort of a machine is this here?" says Josiah, liftin' up the clothfrom the machine in front of him.
"A pretty good one," says the feller, lookin' at the name on it.
"Is yours as good?" says Josiah.
"I think it is better," says he. And then he started up his horse.
"Hello! stop!" says Josiah.
The feller stopped.
"Why don't you run down other fellers' machines, and beset us to buyyourn?"
"Because I don't make a practice of stoppin' people on the street."
"Do you haunt folks day and night; foller 'em up ladders, throughtrap-doors, down sullers, and under barns?"
"No," says the young chap, "I show people how my machine works; if theywant it, I sell it; and if they don't, I leave."
"How much is your machine?" says Josiah.
"75 dollars."
"Can't you," says Josiah, "because I look so much like y
our old father,or because I am a Methodist, or because my wife's mother used to liveneighbor to your grandmother--let me have it for 25 dollars?"
The feller got up on his wagon, and turned his machine round so we couldsee it plain--it was a beauty--and says he:
"You see this machine, sir; I think it is the best one made, althoughthere is no great difference between this and the one over there; but Ithink what difference there is, is in this one's favor. You can have itfor 75 dollars if you want it; if not, I will drive on."
"How do you like the looks on it, Samantha?"
Says I, "It is the kind I wanted to git."
Josiah took out his wallet, and counted out 75 dollars, and says he:
"Put that machine into that wagon where Samantha is."
The good lookin' feller was jest liftin' of it in, and countin' over hismoney, when the two fellers come up with the colt. It seemed that theyhad had a explanation as they was comin' back; I see they had as quickas I catched sight on 'em, for they was a walkin' one on one side of theroad, and the other on the other, most tight up to the fence. They wasmost dead the colt had run 'em so, and it did seem as if their facescouldn't look no redder nor more madder than they did as we catchedsight on 'em and Josiah thanked 'em for drivin' back the colt; but whenthey see that the other feller had sold us a machine, their faces _did_look redder and madder.
But I didn't care a mite; we drove off tickled enough that we had gotthrough with our sufferin's with agents. And the colt had got so beatout a runnin' and racin', that he drove home first-rate, walkin' alongby the old mare as stiddy as a deacon.
The Wit and Humor of America, Volume IV. (of X.) Page 31