He’d been with Jake for three years. It had hurt to be dumped without warning, without getting the chance to make things right, and with a note that said he was unlovable—not just to Jake, but to anyone.
Part of Andy still believed that. Who’d want a neurotic computer nerd like him?
“I don’t use the app,” Andy said. That was mostly true. He’d never used it to seek potential partners out.
He was afraid of discovering that he really was unlovable. He was afraid his own algorithm wouldn’t just fail to match him with Red, but would fail to match him with anyone.
He wasn’t sure his heart could take that. It was one thing to have no hope of a relationship with one man, another not to have any hope of a successful relationship at all.
“Is that why you’re watching me use it?” Red asked.
“Kind of. I made it, so I know where everything is and how it works. I need to see how someone who doesn’t know where everything is operates it. And how accurate my matchmaking formulas are.”
“Okay,” Red said, nodding. “So how’d I do, date-wise?”
Andy laughed at that. He could hardly believe Red was just forgiving him and moving on as though nothing had happened, but he did seem to be doing exactly that.
That only confirmed his belief that Red was too good for him. Even if they were compatible, he’d never deserve someone like Red in a million years.
“You were actually a lot of fun to go on a date with. I don’t think you’re screwing dates up. I think you’ve just had a little bad luck. It happens to us all.”
“Cool,” Red said. “Thank you for your expert opinion.”
Andy looked up at him to see if he was teasing—since he didn’t sound like it—and decided that, for whatever reason, Red was being sincere.
“It’s not an expert opinion, but you’re welcome to it. And I’m sorry, again.”
“Apology accepted,” Red responded. “Will you shut up about it now? It really wasn’t a big deal.”
Andy chuckled. “Okay. I’ll shut up about it now.”
“Thank you. Don’t forget you promised me ice cream.”
“I’d never forget a promise like that,” Andy said.
As long as he and Red were still friends, Red could have all the ice cream he could eat.
Chapter Twelve
While he understood why Andy was upset about what had happened, Red couldn’t bring himself to be mad about it. He wanted to be, in a way. He wanted to feel used and a little hurt, because Andy clearly thought he should.
In reality, though, he couldn’t stop thinking about how good it had been. How nice it was to kiss someone and not be afraid of getting caught, how nice it had been to kiss Andy, specifically.
Every time Andy had brushed against him once they got home, it had sent sparks flying over Red’s skin, made his stomach tighten, his breath hitch.
Andy apparently not noticing was a miracle, but one Red was grateful for.
He knew for sure now that Andy wasn’t interested in him. The number of times he’d apologized had made that clear. Andy didn’t want it to happen again.
Which made Red feel horribly guilty for wishing it would.
Even when he closed his eyes to sleep, the kiss haunted him. Red wanted to do it again, behind closed doors this time. So that it was just for their benefit, and no one else’s.
He remembered the clean soap smell of Andy’s skin, the heat of Andy’s body seeping into him, the way he’d felt to hold. Every detail was seared into his brain, every second ready to be replayed in high-definition surround sound.
Red’s cock twitched. He bit his lip, unsure whether or not he should ignore it. Andy didn’t want him. Fantasizing about him would only make things worse. The best thing to do would be to forget all about him and pretend he’d never thought of him that way.
On the other hand, Andy would never need to know. Red was obviously doing a good enough job of hiding it that he hadn’t realized so far.
It couldn’t hurt to have a crush. Even a really intense crush. He’d had those before, and he’d lived to tell about it. No one had ever known except him.
It was just that, in this case, he’d already gotten a taste of what it might be like to be with Andy. He’d never been kissed like that before. Not with so much focus, so much purpose. There’d been an edge to it, one that seemed at odds with his easy-going friend, but also made a strange kind of sense. It had been possessive.
Andy had kissed him as though he wanted Red to belong to him, and that was hot. Red had never been picked like that. The few encounters he’d had with other men had only happened because he was around. If they’d known his name, they would have forgotten it immediately. He’d forgotten all of theirs.
Kissing Andy wasn’t like that, though. It had felt as though Andy was choosing him, and Red wanted nothing more than to be chosen.
Of course, it had all been an act for Jake’s benefit, but that didn’t stop Red dwelling on the feeling. Even as he tried to direct his thoughts away, they kept coming back to Andy. Back to the pressure of his lips, the heat of his body.
It was so easy to imagine him pushing Red’s bedroom door open, slipping inside, approaching the bed. Easy to imagine that kissing Red had flipped a switch in his brain, that he’d panicked initially, but now… now he wanted more.
Red’s fingers curled around his cock, his teeth digging deep into his lip. Andy would find him like this, hard and ready for him. Needy, willing. Wanting.
Wanting Andy to be his first, his real first.
In so many ways, he already was. First gay friend. First enjoyable date. First good kiss.
This could be one more way. He knew Andy would be as gentle and patient as he always was. That he wouldn’t have to be worried or afraid, that he could just enjoy it, reach out and touch when he wanted to, spread his legs and let Andy in, let Andy make him come so hard he saw stars.
He’d touched himself a few times, testing, wanting to be ready for someone else when the time came, and it had been good, but he knew it’d be better with someone else. Especially someone else who knew what they were doing, someone else who cared about him.
Andy definitely cared about him. Regardless of his other feelings, Andy was Red’s friend.
That seemed like the most important thing. Red just wanted to be with someone he could be friends with. He knew some guys were just interested in sex, but he wanted more than that. He wanted a partner, a best friend, someone he could have fun with.
Maybe that was naive. Maybe he should settle for whoever would have him. But he didn’t want to.
He wanted Andy. He wanted Andy so much it made his heart hurt to think about it.
Red closed his eyes and let himself imagine Andy crawling up the bed, a smirk spreading over his features. He was going to take Red apart, piece by piece, claim him as his own.
“I’ve been waiting for this,” imaginary Andy murmured, ducking down to kiss Red even as he replaced Red’s hand with his own around his cock.
Red let his legs fall apart, giving Andy space to fit between them, tightening his thighs around Andy’s hips. He bit down harder on his lip, stifling a moan.
Logically, he knew that Andy knew they both did this. He just didn’t want to get caught in the middle of this particular fantasy.
In his own mind, Red sped up the pace, focusing on Andy’s weight pressed down on top of him, on the way his fingers would feel pressed inside him. Andy had nimble fingers; Red had watched them fly across his keyboard so fast they were almost a blur.
This was slower, though. Slow and deliberate. He’d seen the intense focus Andy was capable of, and he could imagine that being turned on him.
Precome trickled down Red’s fist, warning him that he was close. He closed his eyes again and let himself fall deep into the fantasy.
Andy’s fingers were inside him, stretching him slowly and steadily. He was nearly ready, his balls tight and his cock aching.
Andy, he breathed, rather
than spoke. He needed this, and he needed it now.
In his mind, Andy took the hint. He removed his fingers and leaned forward, gripping Red’s thigh as he slid inside him, stretching him just barely beyond his limits, a moment of pain washing over him before it faded away, leaving him feeling full.
Almost too full, but not quite. Andy was perfect. Of course he was.
He let himself imagine Andy stroking at his tense muscles until he relaxed, until he was ready for more. His touch was soothing, patient, gentle. He waited until Red had adjusted again before rocking his hips forward, smooth, shallow thrusts setting off fireworks that exploded their way up Red’s spine.
It felt so good to have this, so good to let Andy take care of him, show him how all this was done. Knowing Andy wanted him, here in this little fantasy, was almost hotter than any touch could be.
Red wanted more, wanted to last longer, but in the real world he was already on the edge. One imagined twist of Andy’s hips was enough to send him over, his hips rising off the bed as he came all of a sudden, white-hot pleasure making his toes curl and his hips jerk off the bed.
Deep in his fantasy, Andy kissed him as he came, this time hard, possessive, needy. Red’s cock was trapped between their bellies as his orgasm rushed through him. He gasped for breath, winded by the force of it.
He hadn’t come that hard in a while. This was clearly one of those fantasies that bore revisiting.
He flopped back down into the mattress, spreading himself out as the sweat on his skin cooled, then reaching out for a handful of tissues to clean up.
That had been… hot.
Red had known it would be. He could still remember the real kiss in vivid detail, stored away in his memory to be replayed whenever he felt like it. Inexperience aside, Red knew Andy would be an amazing partner. Everything about him was exactly what Red wanted.
It was a pity that Red wasn’t what Andy wanted, or they could have forgotten the whole dating thing. No more uncomfortable first dates, no more wondering if anyone would ever want to be with him.
Red sighed. Nothing was ever that easy.
Until he did find someone, at least he had the memory of that kiss to keep him warm.
Chapter Thirteen
Still feeling guilty the morning after—not least of all because he’d really enjoyed kissing Red—Andy was determined to try again and find Red someone he’d actually be compatible with.
“I know that our date didn’t go super well last night…” Andy began, cornering Red at the breakfast table.
“The date went fine,” Red said between bites of toast.
“Thank you for saying so, but I remember what happened. Anyway, I now really need to make it up to you, so I’m hoping you’ll give me one last chance to find you someone? I think I know where we’ve been going wrong now.”
Red looked up, heaving a sigh. “I know you’re just trying to help, but I’m tired, man. I just want one weekend without having to go and be awkward with a stranger. I really appreciate the help, but I need a break.”
Andy’s heart sank. Red was tired of him, and his crap, and his attempts at paying him back for everything. Not just for rescuing him, which was his job, but for being so kind to him when he’d had nowhere else to go and for putting up with him for so long.
He hated the idea that all he’d done was upset Red and put him off the idea of dating altogether.
“I can drop the whole thing, if you want,” Andy said. “I won’t be offended. I am trying to help, and if I’m not helping, I’d rather know.”
Red shook his head. “No, it’s fine, and I appreciate it and I do want to try again. Just not this weekend.”
Andy wasn’t sure whether that was a soft no, or whether Red really did just need a break. He had been working a lot lately, and having a roommate who wouldn’t leave him alone about his love life was probably stressful. Maybe it would be better to back off and not bring it up again until Red asked.
If he asked, which Andy wasn’t sure he would.
“Okay. I will leave you alone until Monday.” He grinned, trying to make a joke out of it. If being left alone was what Red really wanted, Andy wouldn’t push the issue.
Red shifted on his chair. “I’m not saying you have to leave me alone.” He cleared his throat. “I was actually thinking… there’s this thing, every year, where everyone from the station goes for a picnic in the park, and they bring their families and kids and stuff. I never go, ‘cause I’m always on my own, but if you wanted to come…”
Andy wet his lips. This was an olive branch being extended, and he had to reach out and take it. Red’s friendship meant too much to him to lose it over one ill-advised kiss.
Even if it had been a really hot ill-advised kiss. He’d barely stopped thinking about it since, remembering how eager Red was for affection. How he’d let his hand fall on Andy’s hip, curling into the fabric of his jeans, holding onto him as though he was something worth keeping.
Andy didn’t often feel as though he was something worth keeping. He hated himself for wanting more of that from Red, but he did want it.
So much for thinking it was just a stupid, temporary crush.
“I’d love to. If, uh, that won’t be weird for you.”
Red shook his head. “It won’t be weird. Some of the guys will probably think we’re dating, but I’ll set them straight. I just feel weird going by myself and making people feel as though they have to include me in their family day out, but I like getting the chance to catch up with all of them. You’d actually be doing me a favor.”
“And I do owe you several favors,” Andy said. “Okay. Will I have to dress like a respectable member of society for this?”
Red chuckled. “I hope not. I normally go with a t-shirt and jeans, but a lot of the guys wear shorts and stuff. It’s the most casual gathering ever.”
“Plus, hot firefighters,” Andy said automatically. He regretted it instantly, hoping he wasn’t giving himself away.
The fact that firefighters were hot was a universally acknowledged fact. Red would probably take it as such.
“Well, I’ll be there, so…” Red smirked.
“Definitely hot firefighters, then,” Andy agreed. Joking about it was probably the best way to cover for the fact that he still had weird, uncomfortable feelings for Red.
Besides, he’d told Red on their first day living together that he was hot. He could think someone was objectively attractive without actually being attracted to them.
It just so happened that in this case, he was actually attracted to Red.
“So you’re coming?” Red asked.
“Duh.” Andy grinned at him again, this time not having to fake it at all. “It sounds like fun. And I could probably use my yearly dose of sunlight.”
“You are kinda pale.” Red went back to eating his toast, licking crumbs off his lips. Andy followed the path of his tongue closely, imagining tracing it with his fingers.
Or his own tongue.
He really needed to stop thinking like that. He needed to remember the zero-percent compatibility rating, and what heartbreak felt like, and that Red wasn’t meant for him at all.
That was easier said than done.
“I like to think of it as a moon tan,” Andy said. “It’s part of my whole ethereal computer nerd aesthetic.”
“You’re nailing the look.” Red smiled. “Suits you, though. You’d look weird in gym clothes.” He paused, then added, “or at least, you’d look weird in gym clothes you’re not using as pajamas.”
“I deserved that.” Andy got up to start on his own breakfast, suddenly starving. There’d been a knot in his stomach about what had happened last night all morning, but now that he was sure he and Red were friends again, it had given way to ravenous hunger.
This called for pancakes. He could even make extra and put them in the fridge for when Red got home.
With a sinking feeling, Andy realized he was way past innocent crush territory.
He�
��d latched onto Red because Red was the kind of person no one could avoid falling in love with, and now it was coming back to bite him on the ass.
Not that he was in love with Red. Absolutely not. Just that he acknowledged that Red would be so easy to fall in love with.
Which was why he deserved someone better than Andy. Someone who he could love, and who could love him back.
Andy would find him that person if it was the last thing he did.
Chapter Fourteen
A few grey clouds in the morning had made Red worry that his cunning plan to go on a stealth date with Andy was about to be foiled, but by the time the picnic was kicking off, they’d broken into a clear blue sky and a warmer-than-average day. It was nice to have the weather on his side.
Andy looked a little strange in the sunlight, wearing a huge pair of sunglasses and a hat Red hadn’t realized he owned, but that didn’t make it any less fun. If anything, it was good to see this side of Andy. The side that paused to watch pigeons being fed and walked a little too close to Red when the breeze picked up.
Well, not too close. Exactly the right distance, in Red’s opinion.
People hadn’t mentioned anything about him and Andy dating, but Red could tell some of them were thinking it. The way they’d looked at the two of them when he’d introduced Andy said it all.
That… that wasn’t the worst thing. Red liked the idea of being seen with Andy. He thought they looked cute together, and he would have been proud to actually be with Andy. Not that he wasn’t proud to be his friend.
Andy was much cooler than he gave himself credit for. Aside from being a successful, solo entrepreneur, he was also kind, and funny, and really good at baking.
Red would miss Andy’s laughter most when he left, but his baking was a close second.
“Is that a dog?” Andy asked, staring over at the big Dalmatian relaxing under the shade of one of the trees.
“That’s Spot. He’s the station dog. You wanna meet him?”
“You called a Dalmatian Spot?” Andy looked up at Red, one eyebrow raised. Behind the huge sunglasses he was wearing, his expression looked ridiculous.
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