CHAPTER XIII.
The Female Smuggler Episode Makes Me Famous--I am Sent Forth in Women's Clothes--My Interview with the Bad Corporal--A Fist Fight--The Rebellion is Put Down Once More--I Reveal My Identity.
It was not twenty-four hours before the news spread all over myregiment, as well as several other regiments, that a certain corporalhad captured a female smuggler, while on picket, had searched her on thespot and found a large quantity of quinine and other articles contrabandof war, and there was a general desire to look upon the features of aman, not a commissioned officer who had gall enough to search a femalerebel, from top to toe, without orders from the commanding officer, andI was constantly being visited by curiosity-seekers, who wanted to knowall about it. Of course it was not known that I had been ordered to doas I did, and they all wondered why I was not made an example of; andmany privates, corporals and sergeants wondered if they would get outof it so easily if they should do as I did. There were a great manywomen passing through the lines, and I am sure many soldiers decidedthat the first woman who attempted to pass through would get searched.It was talked among the men, and for a day or two a lady would certainlyhave stood a poor show to have rode up to a picket post with a pass togo outside. The soldiers had so long been away from female societythat it would have been a picnic for them to have captured a suspiciouslooking woman who was pretty. I was pointed out, down town, as theman who captured the woman loaded with quinine, and women with rebeltendencies would look at me as though I was a bold, bad man that oughtto be killed, and they acted as though they would like to eat me. ButI tried to appear modest, and not as though I had done anything I wasparticularly proud of. The next evening the colonel sent for me and saidhe had got something for me to do that required nerve. I told him thatmy experience in putting down the rebellion had shown me that the wholething required nerve. That I had been on my nerve until my nerves werepretty near used up, and I asked him if he couldn't let some of theother boys do a little of the nervous work. He said he had one morewoman job that he would like to have me undertake.
I was sick of the whole woman business, and told him I did not want tobe aggravated any more; that arresting women and searching them, wasnothing but an aggravation, and I wanted to be let out. He said in thiscase I would not have to arrest anybody of the female persuasion, butthat I would have to be arrested, and that it would be the greatest jokethat ever was. I told him if there was any joke about it he could countme in. Then he went on to say that my success with the female smugglerhad excited all the boys to emulate my deeds, and they were all layingfor a female smuggler, and that he feared it wouldn't be safe for awoman to be caught on the picket line. There had got to be a stop put toit, and he and the general had thought of a scheme. He said there wasa corporal in one of the companies who had made his brags that he wouldarrest the first female that came to his picket post, and search her forsmuggled goods, and they wanted to make an example of him. He asked meif I wasn't something of a boxer, and I told him for a light weight Iwas considered pretty good. Then he asked me if I could ride on a sidesaddle. I told him I could ride anything, from a hobby to an elephant.He said that was all right, and I would fill the bill. Then he wentinto details. I was to go to the town with him, and be fitted out witha riding habit of the female persuasion, false hair, side saddle, anda bustle as big as a bushel basket. That I was to ride out on a certainroad, where the corporal would be on picket with two men. He would stopme, and search me, I was to cry, and beg, and all that, but finallysubmit to be searched, and after the corporal had got started to searchme, I was to haul off and give him one "biff" in the nose, another if itwas necessary to knock him down, paste one of the men in the ear, if heshowed any impudence, jump on my horse and come back to town, and leavethe corporal to find his mistake.
I didn't half like the idea of dressing up in such a masqueringcostume, but of course if I could help put down the rebellion thatway, it was my duty to do it, and besides, I had a grudge against thatcorporal, anyway, because he called me a "jay" and a "substitute," anda "drafted man," when I came to the regiment. The colonel took me to theresidence of a lady friend who rode on horseback a good deal, and as helet her into the secret, she helped fix me up. All I had to do wasto remove my cavalry jacket, and she put the dress on over my head. Ialways supposed they put on these dresses the same as men put on pants,by walking into them feet first, but she said they went over the head.I felt as though my pants were going to show, but she gave me someinstructions about keeping the dress down, and I began to feel a gooddeal like a woman. The dress fit me around the waist as though it wasmade for me, and when it was all buttoned up in front I felt stunning.She and the colonel made a bustle out of newspapers, and a small sofacushion of eider down was placed where it would do the most good. Afterthe dress was all fixed, she got a wig and put it on my head, and a hat,with a feather in it, and then pinned a veil on the hair, so it reacheddown to my rose-bud mouth. Then she took a powder arrangement andpowdered my face, put on a pair of long gauntlets which she usuallywore, and told me to look in the glass. When I looked into the glass Ialmost fainted. The deception was so good that it would have fooled theoldest man in the world.
The colonel said he was almost inclined to fall in love with me himself,and he did put his arm around me and squeeze me, but I didn't noticeany particular feeling, such as I did when his lady friend was foolingaround me. That was different. Well, I was an inveterate smoker at thattime, so I took my pipe and a bag of tobacco, and put it in a pocket ofthe dress, and some matches, and we went out doors. The colonel tookmy tiny number eight boot in his hand and tossed me lightly into thesaddle, then he mounted his own horse and we rode around the suburbsof the town, so I could get used to the side-saddle. I got him to stopbehind a fence and let me have a smoke out of my pipe, and then I toldhim I was ready. He gave me a pass, and told me to go out on the roadthe corporal was on, and if he let me pass out of the lines to go onto a turn in the road, where a squad of our men were on a scout, andto report to the officer in charge, who would bring me in all right, byanother road, but if the corporal attempted to search me, to do as I hadbeen told to do. After I had knocked the corporal down, if I would givea yell, the officer who was outside would come and arrest us alland bring us to headquarters, where the colonel could reprimand thecorporal, etc. I threw a kiss to the colonel and started out on theroad. It was about a mile to the picket post, and I had time to reflecton my position. This was putting down the rebellion at a great rate.I was an ostensible female, liable to be insulted at any moment, but Iwould maintain the dignity of my alleged sex if I didn't lay up a cent.I put on a proud, haughty look, full of purity and all that, and as Ineared the picket post, I saw the corporal step out into the road, andas I came up he told me to halt. I halted, and handed him my pass, buthe said it was a forgery, and ordered me to dismount. I turned on thewater, from my eyes, and began to cry, but it run off the bad corporallike water off a duck.
"None of your sniveling around me," said the vile man. "Get down offthat horse."
"Sir," I said, with well feigned indignation, "you would not molest a poorgirl who has no one to defend her. Let me go I prithe."
I had read that, "Let me go I prithe," in a novel, and it seemed tome to be the proper thing to say, though I couldn't hardly keep fromlaughing.
"Prithe nothing," said the corporal. "What you got in that bustle?"said the corporal.
"Bustle," I said, blushing so you could have touched a match to my face."Why speak of such a thing in the presence of a lady. I want you to letme go or I shall think you are real mean, so now. Please, Mr. Soldier,let me go," and I smiled at him and winked with my left eye in a mannerthat ought to have paralyzed a marble statue. "O, what you giving us,"said the vile man. "Get down off that horse and let me go through youfor quinine. Do you hear?"
I was afraid if he helped me down he would see my boots or pants, whichwould be a give-away. So I gathered my dress in my hands and jumped downin pretty good shape. I
had sparred with the corporal several times incamp, and I knew I could knock him out easy, and I made up my mind thatthe first indignity he offered me I would just "lam him one. It was allI could do to keep from pasting him in the nose, when I first landed onthe ground, but I had a part to play, and it would not do to go off halfcocked. So I looked sad, pouted my lips, and wondered if he would kissme, and feel the beard where I had been shaved.
"Now, shuck yourself," said he.
"Do what? I asked, with apparent alarm.
"Peel," said he, as he put his hand on my back,
"Sir," I said with my eyes flashing fire, and my heart throbbing, andalmost bursting with suppressed laughter, "you are insolent. I am a poororphan, unused to contact with coarse men. I have been raised a pet, andno vile hand has ever been laid upon me until you just touched me. Ifyou touch me I shall scream. I shall call for help. What would you do,you wicked, naughty man."
"Unbutton," said he as he pointed to my dress in front. "Call for help andbe darned. You are a smuggler, and I know it."
"O, my God," said I, with a stage accent, "has it come to this? Am I to berobbed of all I hold dear, by a common Yankee corporal. Has a woman norights which are to be respected? Am I to be murdered in cold bel-lud,with all my sins upon my head. O, Mr. Man, give me a moment to utter asilent prayer."
"O, hush," said he, "and hold up your hands. There ain't going to be anybel-lud. All I want is to go through you for quinine."
"Spare me, I beseech you," I said, as I held up my hands, and got inposition to knock him silly the first move he made. "I am no walkingdrug store, I am a good girl." Around my awful form I draw an imaginarycircle. "Step but one foot within that sacred circle, and on thy head Ilaunch the cu-r-r-r-se of Rome, Georgia."
Gave a yell that could have been heard a mile 203]
"Let up on this Shakespeare, and get to busiess, said the corporal, ashe reached up to my neck to unbutton the top button of my dress. He waslooking at my dress, and wondering what he would find concealed within,when I brought down both fists and took him with one in each eye, with aforce that would have knocked a mule down. He fell backwards, and gave ayell that could have been heard a mile. Then one of his men started forme and I knocked him in the ear, and he fell beside the corporal. Theother man was going to come for his share, when the officer who had beenstationed outside the lines rode up with his men and asked what wasthe matter. The soldier-who was not hit said I had assassinated thecorporal. The officer said that was wrong, and women who would go aroundkilling off the Union army with their fists ought to be arrested. Justthen the corporal raised up on his elbow and tried to open two of theblackest eyes that ever were seen. Turning to the officer, he said:
"That woman is a smuggler, and she struck me with a brick house!
"Ancient female," said the officer, looking at me and laughing, "why doyou go around like a besum of destruction, wiping out armies, one man ata time. You ought to be ashamed of myself, and you should be muzzled.
"Don't call me a female," said I, in my natural hoarse voice. "That issomething that I will not submit to."
The corporal looked up at me with one eye, the other being almost closedfrom the effects of the fall of the brick house. He looked as thoughhe smelled woolen burning, as the old saying is. The officer said heguessed he would take us all to headquarters, and inquire into theaffair. The corporal said that there was nothing to inquire into. Thatthis female came along and insisted on going outside of the lines, andwhen he asked her, in a polite manner, to show her pass, she struck himdown with a billy, or some weapon she had concealed about her person.
"You are not much of a liar, either," said I, jumping on to my horseastraddle, like a man.
The corporal looked at me as though he would sink, but he maintainedthat he had done nothing that should offend the most fastidious female.The corporal and his men mounted, and we all started for headquarters. Irode beside the officer, and the corporal was right behind me. After wehad got started I pulled out my pipe, filled it, lit a match as soldiersusually do, though it was quite unhandy, and began to smoke. As thetobacco smoke rolled out under my veil, from the alleged rosebud mouth,the scene was one that the corporal and the most of the men had neverthought of, though the officer was "on" all right enough. The corporalcould hardly believe his eyes, or one eye, for the other one had goneclosed. I was a fine enough looking female as we rode through theregiment, except the pipe, which I puffed along just as though I had nodress on. As we rode up to the colonel's tent, it was noised around thata scout had captured a daring female rebel, and she had almost killed acorporal, and the whole regiment gathered around the colonel's tent.
"What is the trouble, corporal?" asked the colonel of my black-eyedfriend.
"Well this woman wanted to go outside, and when I objected, she knockedme down with a rail off a fence."
"And you offered her no indignity?" the colonel asked.
"Not in the least," said the corporal.
Then the colonel asked me to tell my story, which I did. The corporalsaid it was a lie, but the other man, whom I did not hit, said I wasright.
"Can you disrobe, before these soldiers, without getting off yourhorse?" asked the colonel, looking at me.
I told him I could and he told me to proceed. I pulled the hat and hairoff first and appeared with my red hair clipped short. I then I threwthe dress over my head, and appeared in my cavalry pants, all dressed,except my jacket and cap, which the colonel handed me, having brought itfrom the house where I put on the dress. I put on the jacket, wiped thepowder off my face, and the corporal said:
"It's that condemned raw recruit."
All the boys took in the transformation scene, and then the colonel toldthem that he wanted this to be a lesson to all of them, to let all womenwho came to the picket posts, or anywhere, who had passes, alone, andnot think because one woman had been caught smuggling, that allwomen were smugglers. In fact he wanted every soldier to mind his ownbusiness. Then he dismissed us, and we went to our quarters. On the way,the one-eyed corporal touched me on the arm, and he said:
"Old man, you played it fine on me, but I will get even with you yet."
How Private George W. Peck Put Down the Rebellion Page 13