by Kate Hewitt
She turned to face the front of the church, with its soaring, arched ceiling and the magnificent stained-glass window that was seven hundred years old. Then the service started, and everyone rose for the first hymn and the procession of the choir and clergy.
It gave her a pang to see Simon at the front, standing next to her father, in his black clerical robes and the stiff white dog collar. Somehow, when they’d been shopping in Keswick or sipping tea or climbing down a fell she’d half-forgotten he was a curate. A priest.
It was impossible to forget now, with the service taking place, the organ music and the bishop’s important tones reminding her how special this all was. And then Simon was kneeling and making vows, and the bishop anointed him with oil. Anna had seen this type of service before, with her father’s other curates, but it felt different now. It felt more important, because she actually cared about Simon.
Was it just because he knew so much about her? Maybe spilling all her secrets had created a false sense of intimacy. Maybe she really was being completely ridiculous.
Anna glanced down the pew at Esther and Will, Rachel and Dan, and a pang of sorrowful envy assailed her heart. She’d been alone her whole life, in one way or another, and she was tired of it. She’d never been brave enough to embark on a romantic relationship, and she wasn’t sure if she was now, but it was nice to dream. And perhaps that was all it was... dreams.
The service ended, and Anna made her way through the gauntlet at the back; someone had brought champagne and Christmas cake and Anna dutifully took a glass and slice, knowing to slip out as she longed to would be rude. Fortunately, with her mouth full of cake, she had an excuse for not talking.
Then Simon was in front, smiling ruefully. “You don’t think of me differently, do you?” he asked, tugging at his clerical collar.
Anna swallowed a mouthful of cake, practically choking on a sultana. “Sort of,” she admitted. “I don’t mean to.”
“Your father warned me that people look at you differently when you’re in this garb. It can be a good thing in some situations, but not-so-good in others.”
“And what is it with me?” Anna asked as she wondered what they were talking about.
“I suppose,” Simon said slowly, “that’s up to you.” A smile unfurled across his face and made excitement leap in Anna’s belly. It felt as if there was a significant subtext to this conversation, and she was afraid to hope what it was.
“Shall I call you Father Simon now?” she joked, and Simon pretended to shudder.
“Please don’t. I’ll have enough of the parish wanting to do that, and I don’t feel like I’m anyone’s father.”
“But, you know, you have the spiritual wisdom and all that.”
“I’m not sure I’ve got much of that,” Simon said and, for a second, a bleakness came over his face that Anna recognized from when they’d been up on the fell. He had some story, some secret, and she longed to know what it was. “I think we’re going back to the vicarage now,” Simon said. “Esther’s giving me a rather beady look.”
“That’s just Esther,” Anna said, but she followed Simon out of the church and across to the vicarage.
The house was full of delicious smells and toasty warm from the fires blazing in four different hearths. Her mother bustled out from the kitchen; she must have nipped out of church the minute the service ended.
“Dinner’s almost ready. Anna, pour Simon a sherry. Or should I say the reverend?” She gave him an affectionate look and Anna fetched the bottle of Harvey’s Bristol Cream they’d picked up from Booth’s yesterday.
“This is all very civilized,” Simon remarked as Anna took one of her mother’s crystal sherry glasses from the china cupboard in the dining room. The table had been laid magnificently with a snowy linen tablecloth and crimson napkins, her mother’s Christmas china and a centrepiece of holly and ivy that Anna had helped to fashion.
“It is, isn’t it? My mother loves to entertain.”
“A busy vicarage is a happy place,” Simon said. He glanced at her when she didn’t reply. “Isn’t it?”
“Yes, generally.”
“Did you find it hard, having people coming in and out all the time?”
“Not hard, exactly. Just...” She concentrated on pouring the sherry. “Sometimes it felt like it was easy to be missed, I suppose, but that wasn’t always a bad thing. Here you are.” She smiled at him as she handed him his glass of sherry, the amber liquid glinting in the light.
“Thank you.” Simon took a sip of sherry, his warm, hazel gaze on her. “I’m glad you’re here, Anna.”
Anna’s insides did a funny little tumble and suddenly she found it hard to speak, for an entirely new reason. She nodded once, unable to think of how to reply. “I should start the Yorkshire puddings. That’s always been my job.”
Back in the steamy busyness of the kitchen Anna focused on stirring the Yorkshire pudding batter to an airy froth. What had Simon meant exactly, that he was glad she was here? Had it been a throwaway comment, the kind of thing a curate would say to a parishioner, little more than “good to see you”? Anna didn’t think so, but she was afraid to hope. Afraid to want, and to dream.
“I think you’ve stirred that batter enough,” Ruth remarked. “Your head is in the clouds today, I think.”
“Sorry,” Anna murmured. She reached for a muffin pan and began spooning a bit of oil in each cup. Esther came in, bearing an impressive triple tier chocolate cake.
“Pudding,” she announced, and Ruth made a fuss of the cake while Anna put the Yorkshires in the AGA.
She spent the next half hour helping her mother and sisters get dinner on the table; her mother had outdone herself with a huge joint of roast beef and all the trimmings.
“And we just had a roast dinner a few day ago,” Rachel said with a smile for her mum. “You spoil us.”
“You can never have too many roast dinners,” Roger replied. They all sat down, the table groaning with food, and as soon as grace had been said, her parents exchanged a strange, tense look.
“So?” Esther prompted as she loaded up her plate. “What’s this announcement, Dad?”
“Because we’ve got an announcement too,” Will said, and Esther shot him a quelling look.
“And we do as well,” Dan pitched in and when Anna looked at Rachel, she was biting her lip. “What was going on?”
“Well, I don’t have any announcements,” she said, and Simon gave her a quick, affectionate smile that made her tingle.
“Right. Well, perhaps you two ought to go first, then. Esther? Will? What’s your announcement?”
“I’m not sure now is the—” Esther began, but Will cut her off.
“Esther’s pregnant,” he said proudly. “The baby’s due in six months.”
“Oh, Esther!” Tears sparkled on Ruth’s lashes as she rose to give her eldest a hug. “That’s such wonderful, wonderful news. I’m so thrilled!”
“As am I, of course,” Roger said genially, and went to kiss Esther on the cheek. “You must both be so excited.”
“Yes, we are,” Esther said, but she didn’t look excited.
“Have you been feeling terribly ill?” Ruth asked. “I thought you looked a bit peaky...”
As Ruth grilled her on the kind of pregnancy details Anna really didn’t need to know, she turned to Rachel. “What’s your news, then?”
“Oh, I don’t—” Rachel began half-heartedly, and Dan reached over to put an arm around her.
“Why not share our happiness?” he said and, after a second, Rachel nodded. Dan looked up at everyone. “I’m pleased to say I’ve asked Rachel to be my wife, and she’s accepted.”
Cue another round of exclamations and kisses. Anna gave her sister a hug, wondering why she didn’t look more pleased. Both Esther and Rachel seemed less than thrilled about their news, but perhaps it was just nerves. And, as for her, the only one without a milestone on the horizon? Anna met Simon’s gaze and he gave her a rueful smile that felt as
good as a hug.
It was as if he’d just said, “I know, everyone’s got something going on. It’s a little bit lonely, isn’t it? I feel it too.” She smiled back, and for a second it was as if the whole room, with all its noise and people, fell away and it was just her and Simon, smiling.
“So, Dad, now it’s your turn. What’s your news?”
“Well.” Roger dabbed his mouth with his napkin as he exchanged a quick, questioning look with Ruth, who nodded. “I wish Miriam could be here for this, but we’ll Skype her later.”
“Sounds important,” Esther murmured.
“It’s nothing as exciting as what you two have planned, but, after a lot of thought and discussion and prayer, your mother and I have decided it’s time for me to retire from being vicar of Thornthwaite.”
A thunderclap of astounded silence greeted this announcement. Everyone stared.
“Retire,” Esther said. “But you’re only sixty.”
“I know, and I don’t intend to simply keel over or collect seashells. I’ve accepted another position. It starts in July.”
“Another position.” Now it was Rachel who sounded utterly incredulous. “You mean you’re going to move?”
“Yes.” Roger paused, looking determined, regretful, and excited all at once. “I’ve accepted a position in Jinan.”
“Jinan?” Rachel boggled. “Where is that?”
“China,” Esther said flatly.
“That’s right.” Roger beamed at her, as if she’d just answered a pub quiz question correctly. “I’ve accepted a position helping house churches in the city. It’s something very different and challenging, which is what I wanted.”
Anna could hardly believe it. Her father was leaving his sleepy village in the Lake District where he’d spent the last thirty years, to move to China? Was he having a mid-life crisis twenty years late?
“I can see you’re all surprised,” Roger said quietly. “But as I said before, your mother and I have thought long and hard about this. I have ten years or less until retirement, and I want to do something different. Something useful. Besides, I’m tired of bickering with my congregation about whether we should exchange the pews for chairs.”
That, Anna knew, was a battle that had been going on for a decade at least. Still... China.
No one said anything for a long moment, the only sound the crackle and pop of the logs settling in the fire.
Then Rachel said forlornly, “But we’re all here.”
“I know,” Roger said gently. “And obviously that doesn’t have to change. We’ll come back for visits. And you can all come see us in China.”
“But...” Rachel’s eyes were huge in her pale face. “It’s not the same.”
“No,” Roger agreed, and he sounded genuinely regretful. “But it might be better for you and Esther if we’re not here. Spread your wings a bit without being the vicar’s children.”
“But...” Rachel swallowed hard. “I wanted to get married in the church, with you officiating.”
“And so you can. Nothing need change that.”
“But July... that’s only five months away!” Rachel looked tearful, and Anna knew it wasn’t just about her wedding. Her parents moving out of the vicarage, all the way to China... it was too big to take in.
“Even if I’m somewhere else, I can still officiate the wedding,” Roger said gently. “You don’t need to worry about that, darling.”
“But there will be another vicar here,” Rachel said, sounding as if she just couldn’t believe it. “What if he—or she—won’t allow it?”
“That won’t happen.”
“The position will be vacant for a year, won’t it?” Esther said. She sat tight-lipped, her arms folded. “There will be an interregnum.”
“Actually, there won’t,” Roger said. “I’ve managed to arrange it to have someone take over from me immediately, to cause the least amount of disruption.”
“Someone?” Esther looked suspicious. “And the parish agreed? The wardens and everyone?”
“Yes, they’re thrilled.”
“Who is it?” Rachel asked, and Anna felt a strange, trembling sensation inside as she braced herself for her father’s answer.
“Why, it’s Simon, of course.”
Chapter Nine
It was Christmas Eve. Anna woke up and blinked at the ceiling, the dull, grey light of a winter’s morning barely illuminating her bedroom. Yesterday’s conversation, with all its unexpected revelations, filtered through her mind. Esther, pregnant. Rachel, engaged. Her father, retired. And Simon... Simon was going to be the new vicar of Thornthwaite.
“You’ve known all along, haven’t you?” Anna asked when they were alone in the kitchen, clearing up. She tried not to sound accusing, although some small part of her felt strangely betrayed.
“Yes, of course I have.” Simon scraped a plate into the bin and threw a piece of gristly meat into Charlie’s bowl. “It was part of the reason for the delay in my ordination.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?” Anna asked even though she knew the answer.
“It wasn’t my secret to tell.” Simon looked at her seriously. “It’s obviously a shock to you and your sisters, but do you mind?”
“Mind?” Anna shook her head slowly. “Why should I mind you taking over? I’d rather it was you than some stranger.”
“I’m glad you don’t think of me as a stranger.”
“Of course I don’t,” Anna said, and blushed. “But I can’t imagine my parents not being here... it seems impossible. And you... you’ll live in the vicarage?” Her chest went tight at the thought. She might have avoided Thornthwaite for the last few years, but this was her home.
“Yes,” Simon agreed quietly. “I will.”
“You’ll rattle around this place by yourself.”
“I know.”
“You should get married and have a load of children to fill it up,” she said recklessly, and Simon gave her a funny, crooked smile.
“I’d love that.”
Anna could not think how to reply.
Now she swung her legs up and gazed out the window at the stark, leafless trees silhouetted against a heavy grey sky. Esther had maintained a stony silence for the rest of yesterday, and Rachel had gone quiet, often looking as if she were on the brink of tears. Simon had left soon after dinner had finished, and the whole day had ended on a rather damp squib. Perhaps today would feel more festive. Perhaps not.
Anna dressed and went downstairs, stopping short when she saw her mother sitting at the kitchen table, cradling a cup of coffee and looking pensive and a little bit sad.
“Mum?”
“Hello, darling.” Ruth looked up with a quick, distracted smile. “There’re cinnamon buns in the warming oven.”
“You made cinnamon buns?” Anna shook her head, smiling. “You never stop.”
“We always have cinnamon buns on Christmas Eve.” Ruth bit her lip, and Anna sat down across from her mother.
“How are you feeling about this move, Mum?” she asked gently. “China... it’s a really big step.”
“Yes.” Her mother let out a rather shuddery sigh. “It’s always been your father’s dream, to go overseas. It’s such important work.”
“Yes, but... is it your dream?”
Ruth sighed again, this time a more pragmatic, accepting sound. “A marriage is full of compromises, Anna. This was my dream.” She gestured to the cosy kitchen with its oak table, the bright AGA with Charlie sprawled in front of it, all the comfortably shabby trappings of a village life. “To live here, to raise my children...” Her lips trembled and Anna knew instinctively she was thinking about Jamie.
“Mum...” She reached out a hand and Ruth clasped it tightly, surprising her.
Her mother always seemed so busy and self-sufficient, but in that moment Anna felt her mum needed her. She squeezed her mother’s hand and Ruth gave her a grateful, if tearful, smile.
“There have been hard moments along the way, goodness
knows. Some very hard moments.” She pressed her lips together. “But I’ve loved it here, and I’ve been so very thankful for our years here.”
“But then don’t you want to stay?”
“It’s possible to want two different things at the same time. I want to stay, but I also want to make your father happy. He’s been feeling restless for a few years now, hearing the call to a new place, a different place. I know being in Jinan will be very invigorating for him. And for me.” Her smile turned wry. “Although it might take me longer to get used to it.”
“And what about Rachel’s wedding? And Esther’s baby?”
“We’ll be here for both those events. I admit, I’d rather see my grandchild grow up every day, but I don’t think we’ll be in Jinan forever. This is something your father needs to do after thirty years of village life, and I understand that. I accept it.”
Anna felt a wave of tender love for her mother, as well as heartfelt admiration. Ruth Holley had given her life to the village and church, serving in every way imaginable, cooking, cleaning, teaching Sunday school and leading toddler groups, always with a smile, and now she was going to give it all up for the man she loved, and the marriage she honoured.
“I think you’re amazing, Mum,” Anna said quietly, and Ruth let out a shaky laugh.
“Thank you, my darling. I don’t feel very amazing. I feel quite ordinary, muddling through as best as I can, but thank you.” She squeezed Anna’s hand back. “And what about you? How are you feeling about all these announcements?”
“A bit like I’ve been left out,” Anna admitted.
After her mother had been so honest, she felt she needed to be as well. She wanted to, because she’d never had this kind of open conversation with her mother before. In truth, she hadn’t been sure either of them were capable of it.
“I don’t have any major life events happening. No change of job, no husband or boyfriend, and certainly no baby.”
“I must say, I’m pleased about the baby. But as for the rest...” Her mother looked almost sly. “Are you sure there’s no one on the horizon?”