• Robin’s mother’s behavior confused her. “As a kid I had always adored my mom and felt she was on my side, but when my brother and I became teenagers, she used to tell us how awful we were. ‘Don’t ever have children,’ she would say.” Robin’s mother told her stories about how she tried to abort Robin by throwing herself down the stairs and taking certain drugs. “She probably would have aborted my brother,” Robin tells me, “but my father was ready to be sent to war, and in those days if you were pregnant they wouldn’t draft your husband.” Since her mother had had three abortions and one miscarriage, she called Robin and her brother her “live births.” “What was so strange, though, is that in front of others, she always talked about how she loved children and she tried so hard to have the ones she did and what a miracle we were. Huh?”
• Hailey relished the freedom of being away from her secretly mean mother after she got married. “Mom didn’t like my husband, so she didn’t want to see us, and it was great! Until one time I decided to go visit her. She was doing caretaking for an elderly lady in the neighborhood, and she would actually say malicious things under her breath about this poor old lady. I went out to lunch with them. The lady was hard of hearing, but it still bothered me that she would say things about this lady right in front of her. ‘Do you think she could move any fucking slower?’ It was so mean. It reminded me of what I had lived with my whole life. There is a nice side and a dark side of my mother. Once this older lady passes, she will project onto the rest of us again. This poor old lady is getting it now.”
THE EMOTIONALLY NEEDY
While all narcissistic mothers are emotionally needy at some level, some show this characteristic more openly than others. These mothers wear their emotions on their sleeves and expect their daughters to take care of them, a losing proposition for children, who are expected to calm their mothers, listen to their adult problems, and solve problems with her. Of course, these children’s feelings are neglected and you are unlikely to get anywhere near the same nurturance that you are expected to provide.
• Ivette’s mother knows how to up the ante. When Ivette tells her she’s tired from working all week, her mother says, “Darling, you don’t know what tired is.” Then her mother goes into a tirade about how exhausting her day was. Rarely can Ivette match her mother’s story, so she just gives up telling her anything and listens. Ivette has learned not to discuss her own feelings, because it is too hurtful. “I just ask her how she is and let it go at that. She seems to get less worked up this way.”
A classic example of an emotionally needy mother is portrayed in the recent film The Mother. In this dramatic screenplay, written by Hanif Kureishi, the daughter, Paula (Cathryn Bradshaw), feels empty, can’t figure out what to do with her life and career, and has never felt loved or valued by her mother. The daughter is attracted to needy men, having been accustomed to trying to please her mother. Her self-absorbed mother, May (Anne Reid), begins to show the depth of her neediness when her husband dies, and blatantly has an affair with a carpenter, with whom the daughter is madly in love. This mother has no compassion or concern for her daughter’s feelings and would have justified her actions by saying that she was grieving and the affair made her feel better. Movie critic Michael Wilmington says it well: “Self-absorption is the vice of these characters; that, not sex, is their sin.”10
Now that you’ve had this inside look at many different types of narcissistic mothers, it is important to emphasize a few things. First of all, our mothers weren’t born this way. They most likely faced insurmountable barriers to love and empathy when they were children. In part 3 of this book, one of your challenges will be to explore your mother’s background, so that you will have a deeper understanding of the reasons for her behavior. This does not take away your pain, but allows you to empathize and forgive her to a degree that will help your recovery.
No narcissist operates in a vacuum. In the next chapter, we’ll do some family study and take a look at the rest of the narcissistic nest.
CHAPTER FOUR
* * *
WHERE IS DADDY?
THE REST OF THE NARCISSISTIC NEST
The narcissistic family often resembles the proverbial shiny red apple with a worm inside. It looks great, until you bite into it and discover the worm. The rest of the apple may be just fine but you’ve lost your appetite.
—Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert Pressman, The Narcissistic Family1
The family with a narcissistic mother operates according to an unspoken set of rules. Children learn to live with those rules, but they never stop being confused and pained by them, for these rules block children’s emotional access to their parents. They are basically invisible—not heard, seen, and nurtured. Tragically, conversely, this set of rules allows the parents to have no boundaries with the children and to use and abuse them as they see fit. Sounds awful, doesn’t it?
Where Is Daddy?
“Daddy, why didn’t you protect me? Where were you when I needed you? Why did you always have to stick up for Mom? What about me?”
These exclamations came from Marcy when we were doing an “empty chair” exercise in therapy. She imagined her father in the empty chair, and talked to him about the family and how it hurt her to be so alone and unloved. Her questions are among those commonly put to fathers by daughters of narcissistic mothers: Where were you?
From my research and experience, the answer is clear: Father is revolving around Mother like a planet around the sun. The narcissist needs to be married to a spouse who will allow her to be at the center of all the action. That is how it has to be if the marriage is to survive. In the family drama, the narcissist is the star, and her spouse takes a supporting role.
A man gets himself into this situation for many reasons, but for our discussion the most pertinent point is that he is the kind of person who accepts this behavior from his spouse and, most of the time, enables her. Perhaps he doesn’t always want to, but he does, because he has learned over time that this is what works with her. Because the father focuses on his wife, his pact with the mother can make him look narcissistic too. He is unable to attend to the needs of his daughter.
• “My father always jumped to do my mother’s bidding,” said forty-year-old Erica as she described her father’s role during her childhood. “Mom was the boss, and Dad centered his life on her. He actually worshipped the ground she walked on. We could be watching television and a commercial would come on about ice cream. Mom would say, ‘Wow, that looks good,’ and Dad would head to the garage to go to the store to get it. He jumps at her command. She uses this as control in her relationship. She picks the time, and many times it’s when he wouldn’t typically want to go anywhere or when he is watching football. If I confront her on this, she asks, ‘Does your father look unhappy?’ ”
• Danielle’s father used to blame her for every argument she and her mother had (and there were lots of them). “If we got into an argument about cleaning my room, for example, she would be extremely emotional, end up crying, and then Dad would step in and say, ‘Look what you’ve done. Look at how you made your mom feel!’ It always became something about her rather than what was going on with me.”
• Clair, 41, reports that her mother controlled the entire household, including but not limited to her father. When Mom didn’t talk to her, neither did Dad. “Mom was an alcoholic, often passed out on the couch when we got home from school. I wouldn’t say anything until I picked up the vibe in the house. My oldest brother finally got up the courage to tell Dad that Mom was drunk all the time. My brother looked up ‘drunk’ in the thesaurus and tried to make it sound better by using the word ‘inebriated,’ but Dad slapped him and said, ‘Don’t talk about your mother that way.’ He always defended her.”
• Carmen’s father’s role as his wife’s protector is paramount. “In some ways, his needs don’t matter either. I used to worry about that, but now I see that is what keeps them together. They need each other to play out their
dysfunctional roles and survive emotionally in the world. I don’t really care if that’s what works for them, but it did affect me. What about me? Do I matter?” When Carmen was in recovery, she tried to talk to her mother about her upbringing. As soon as she had gotten out the words, Carmen’s father jumped in to defend her mother. Carmen felt doubly discounted. Then her mother added insult to injury by saying, “Isn’t he wonderful? He is the best husband anyone could ever have.” Carmen said, “The very thought that maybe this is about me—not her or her husband—would never cross either of their minds. They typically go on about how wonderful their marriage has been and how happy they are with each other. I somehow want to remind them about the many times that Dad secretly told me he wanted to run off with another woman. They just live in denial and pretend, pretend.”
This unspoken agreement between parents who share a narcissistic nest is strong and impenetrable to anyone, but especially a daughter, who is seen as competition by the mother. Obviously, Carmen had gained insight from her significant recovery work, but even so, the pain of this memory still brought her to tears. Tragically, parental denial is what keeps the family together for better or worse, and many families do choose not to confront their problems even though they hurt their children. Someday Carmen will be able to tell this story and not feel the pain that was so present that day. Though she is unlikely to be able to change her parents’ relationship, she can lessen its effect on her and her life.
Modeling a healthy love relationship is one of the most important things that parents do. Children who grow up with an unhealthy model are more likely to have some difficulty with love relationships as adults. Children learn far more from what they see parents do than from anything parents preach to them. In part 2, we look at the love relationships of daughters of narcissistic mothers and discuss the many effects of unhealthy parental relationships.
The emotional health of daughters of narcissistic mothers is in effect sacrificed so that their father can keep the peace with his wife. A daughter’s first steps in recovery involve voicing the devastating feelings of vulnerability and helplessness this generates.
• Nineteen-year-old Kristin sadly reports, “I wonder why I was born, why did God give me to her when she didn’t want me? I remember thinking I can’t live through this, but I did. I don’t feel pretty, I have low self-esteem, and I can’t give myself credit for things. My dad loved me and tried to protect me, but he couldn’t really do it with Mom being so abusive. He had to do what she wanted to stay married to her.”
• Linda, 26, reported an interesting difference between the ways her biological father and her stepfather dealt with her mom. “My stepdad has to circle his life around her, and that keeps her and them happy. He listens to her moodiness and her whining, whereas my real dad was an alcoholic and drank to numb it all out.”
Most daughters report that if they did have good relationships with their fathers, their mothers were intensely jealous of them. Candace tells a heartrending story about the period when her father was dying of Parkinson’s disease. “Daddy was lying on the bed in the hospital and I was lying next to him. It was truly the last hours of his life. Mom got mad that I was that close to him and asked me to move, and she then took my place next to Dad. It was sad to me because it felt like he was the only person who really loved me. Years later, we were chatting about family dynamics, and Mom informed me that she had to adjust the financial inheritance from Dad. She told me she gave me less than the other kids because I got so much from Dad when he was alive.”
• Paula’s father always wanted to carry her around. “I was a daddy’s girl. Mom would always say, ‘Put her down, let her walk,’ in an angry tone. I was only about three years old and my mom was angry with me for taking my dad’s attention. She wanted it all.”
• Wendy and her father bonded so well that she grew up to follow in his footsteps. She also kept herself far away from her mother. She relays this story: “Mom was so jealous of my relationship with Dad. He was a medical doctor and I was in med school too. I could relate to him better, and he had empathy.” Wendy has few points of connection with her mother and her mother’s life choices. “She was a housewife and didn’t understand the whole education thing. I used to like to go hunting and fishing with my dad, to hang out with him and talk to him. She hated that. She always said, ‘Go ask your dad; he is the smart one around here. He’s the one who’s buying you the BMW!’ ”
Many girls discover that when alone with their fathers, they were able to connect on a different and deeper level and discover their father’s capacity to love them. Even in small doses, this kind of nurturing made a difference.
What About the Brothers?
Boys seem to have a different kind of relationship with Mother. Just about every daughter of a narcissistic mother has reported to me that her brother or brothers were better liked and more favored than she or her sisters were. Daughters consistently report how hurtful this has been. Typically, the mother appears not to notice the imbalance, or if confronted, denies it, but it does make some sense. Her sons are not threatening to her in relation to the father as another girl or woman is, because the boys are not as much an extension of her as is a daughter.
An exception to this can occur when the brother gets married and brings a daughter-in-law into the equation, who can begin to feel the brunt of Mother’s jealousy. In Mom’s eyes, she’s a competitor and the two of them may compete for the son’s attention. His mother may have been the center of his life before, but his new bride steps into that role. Mother should take a backseat, which is virtually impossible for her. My heart always aches for the wives of men with narcissistic mothers. They don’t really know what they are getting into.
• Jillian’s brothers got special treatment, and at times it was quite inappropriate. Their mother “was seductive with them. She paraded around the house half-naked and when they were teenagers talked to them about how to be good lovers.”
• Lisa had five brothers who could do no wrong in Mother’s eyes. “She adored them. They worked on the farm, they bought her gifts, and she worshipped everything they bought for her. They catered to my mother, and she loved that. Even today, they would blame my father for the way Mom acted. They always stuck up for her and she for them. She really brainwashed them! Having sons on a farm was a big plus—girls were not as important. She even went to extremes to keep my brothers out of the service. She would say they were needed on the farm—anything to keep them from leaving. For me, on the other hand, she couldn’t wait until I grew up, got married, and moved away.”
• Mirabelle’s mother wrote a letter to her after visiting her for a few days. “I admire your brother Gerald, as he knows what it’s like to know God. Perhaps you’d like to know. And your brother Craig is such a good, hardworking family man. His children are the delight of the family. We always feel welcome in our sons’ homes. We don’t have to walk on eggshells or worry about what we say. It’s always a great time! Coming to your perfect house is such a strain, my dear! I must say that you take after your paternal grandmother. She always thought she was right! You seem to follow her path!” Mirabelle brought this letter to therapy. She was wondering what it all meant. “Why are my brothers favored so? What have I done wrong? What does she mean, ‘your perfect house’? Is she jealous of me? Why is she saying I take after the grandmother whom I detested and so did she? She is so hateful! God, it hurts! She doesn’t like my sister either. She recently started a letter to my sister with, ‘Dear Mandy . . .I only say “dear” because I carried you in my womb.’ ”
• Amelia had one brother who was the king to their mother. “He was two years older than I, and he was put on a pedestal—the trophy boy. Mom related to him and wanted attention from him. A lot of her energy went to him. In adulthood it became crazier, and he became really rich. If my sisters or I would invite her over, she would dump us if my brother had invited her over too.”
• For many, the playing field between brothers a
nd sisters has never been level. Victoria reports, “My brother is 18 now. I basically raised him and I really love him. He calls me when he is in trouble or needs emotional support. But I have to say he got the preferential treatment from Mom. My brother makes C’s and she doesn’t care. If I made an A minus, it was a big deal. I got a scholarship to law school. It was expected of me. I always had curfews, but my brother did not. He can come in completely drunk and she doesn’t care—she’ll offer to make him breakfast. My brother got arrested this week outside a bar and she thought it was funny. He can drink and act crazy and she says, ‘Boys will be boys.’ He dates a Hooters waitress and that is okay, but she hates my medical school boyfriend. My mother constantly defends my brother and criticizes me.”
• Every Christmas throughout their childhood, Liz’s brother would get twice the number of presents she did. Furthermore, her mother tried to set up competition between the two siblings when the packages were counted. Guess who lost?
It has been surprising to me that most of the daughters I have interviewed or treated have not felt intense resentment toward their brothers. Most of them are grateful that the brothers are getting some maternal attention even if they themselves did not receive it. Some, of course, do feel resentful, and that makes sense. It seems to help the daughter if her brothers can break out of their own denial to see the real problems between their mother and sister. The daughter can then feel some validation from her brother.
• Tara had never gotten a fair shake from either her father or brother. Both of them always blamed Tara for her difficult relationship with her mom. She was 45 years old when her brother finally said to her, “What in the world is wrong with you and Mom and your relationship since like . . .birth?” She had waited a long time, but finally felt validated. “He is now able to see there is a problem, and that means the world to me. It makes me feel less crazy.”
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Page 7