The Internal Mother as Your Guide
You can readily recognize your growth, or lack thereof, in love relationships because they trigger our innermost unmet needs. In love, we attempt to overcome past traumas, but usually we are looking to our love partners to give us the love lacked in childhood. These attempts are misguided, but we repeat them until we complete recovery. This is why so many daughters of narcissistic mothers go through many failed relationships.
Rely on your own internal mother. Learn to re-parent and freshly parent the wounded child by allowing yourself to feel the self-respect that your internal mother provides. Clean out the trauma so that positive new messages stay within you and so that you can rely on the internal mother. Then you can adjust your “relationship picker” so that you are attracted to different kinds of appropriate lovers who are not dependent or codependent. If you need to work further on the internal mother, refer back to chapter 12.
Finding the Love of Your Life
It is time now to throw away the old criteria for how you were choosing and behaving with love partners. If you are accustomed to listing image characteristics such as, “Is he good looking?” “Is he financially well off?” “Does he have an impressive job?” “Does he drive a classy car?” “Can he dance?” now is the time to start asking different questions. “Is he good-looking on the inside?” “Can he manage his own feelings and behavior like he manages his own company?” “Can he show and feel authentic feelings and display empathy?” “Can he genuinely love himself and me?” “Can he dance internally with his own soul and mine?” Now that you are well along the recovery trail, consider choosing a lifetime mate according to the following meaningful factors. If you are in a marriage or relationship, consider whether these factors are present enough.
(The reference to “he,” below, is for convenience only and does not imply that the information is intended only for heterosexual relationships.)
• When you are with him, is he kind and compassionate? Does he act with integrity?
• Is he committed to, and does he have the capacity for, a lifetime of learning and growing with you?
• Is he capable of genuine empathy? Is he interested in working through pain and problems?
• Does he have his own personal style, life, interests, hobbies, and passions—separate from yours?
• Are most of your values and worldviews (philosophies of life) similar?
• Do you share common interests so that you can be playful and spend leisure time together that you both enjoy?
• Does he have a sense of humor? Does he use it without hostility but with a good heart?
• Does he want to be your best friend and soul mate, and is he capable of being that? (Does he act like your best friend?)
• Does he talk about his feelings and yours, and is he in touch with his own emotional world?)
• Can he handle ambivalence and shades of gray and not be too rigid about failures and weaknesses in you, himself, and others?
• Does he add to your soul life as well as your material life, thereby making your world a wonderful place to be when you are in it together?
• Does he bring out the best in you?
Your Recovery Tasks in Love Relationships
Now that you are choosing a different kind of love relationship or working to enhance your current one, what do you have to be aware of in your own recovery? You can find the mate that matches the authentic love list, but unless you keep on the path to recovery, your relationship will be unhappy and unsatisfying. Here are your important tasks for relationship work:
• Remember to reciprocate. The relationship has to be a give-and-take, and you need to be able to give and receive with grace and love.
• Your love for him is for the person that he is, not what he can do for you or what you can do for him.
• If or when your unfinished business with Mother gets triggered, go back to the healing steps and work on them, fully owning that this is your work to do. If he is interested in working on it with you, he is a “prince” for sure, but it is primarily your job.
• Let him know in the very beginning that your trust was impaired in early childhood and that trust is a lifelong recovery issue for you. Continue to work on trust issues without projecting them onto him.
• Fight your own dependency needs so that you do not behave in dependent or codependent ways with him. Interdependency is a must for a healthy relationship.
• Keep boundaries around your personal space and encourage him to do the same as well. Allow each other privacy when needed. Whenever this is difficult, discuss it promptly.
• Be authentic and yourself at all times.
• Take care of yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually, and intellectually. Expect him to do this as well, but know that you cannot control or demand it.
• Above all, be accountable for your own feelings and behavior.
• If he is ever misguided and tells you that you are acting “just like your mother,” gently tell him never to say that again.
You and Your Friends
Choosing and keeping cherished friends can be a challenge for daughters of narcissistic mothers, but many of the keys in healthy relationships discussed above can apply to friends, too, especially reciprocity, dependency, codependency, and boundaries.
Reciprocity is essential to a healthy friendship. There has to be a give-and-take just like in love relationships. This give-and-take does not have to always be at the same moment, but in general there should be a balance. If one friend is always the giver and one friend is always the taker, the relationship is either dependent or codependent. If you happen to be going through a time when you know you cannot be reciprocal due to some life crisis or big project in which you are involved, let your friends know this. Don’t be unfair to yourself and to them and give anyway if you are being drained by your own crisis—inform them and reassure them that you will be back to reciprocating when your crisis is over. The high-achieving daughters have the most difficulty with this, because they are used to being very busy and sometimes do not know how to handle this. They give up friendships because they feel too guilty at not being able to give all the time. This is not necessary with good friends.
Setting boundaries when hurtful things are said to you is important as well. To maintain an authentic friendship, you have to be able to respond to an offensive statement or action with, “That was hurtful to me.” Or, “I would be more comfortable if you did not talk about this or do this right now.” If your friend is alarmed or amazed, then you need to explain yourself and talk it through. Setting clear boundaries and discussing those boundaries are part of being authentic with the people we care about.
Many daughters of narcissistic mothers report that they have difficulty with female friendships. The reason most cited is that women friends are more emotionally draining and have too many unrealistic expectations of the friendship. I believe that this reaction to female friends is a carryover from the narcissistic mother who was entitled, needy, and demanding so much of the time. If a female friend begins to act like this, you may recoil and run for cover before exploring what is really going on. You may not be communicating well enough for the friend to understand your own needs and boundaries, or you may be choosing friends who are similar to your mother. In the latter case, you may need to start exploring new friendships with women who are emotionally strong and whose interests are similar to yours. Find women friends who can add to your life, rather than drain you. Search for female friendships that offer a match to your strength and celebrate your authenticity and passions in life. Too often daughters complain that other women are competitive and jealous, which may be a flashback to their childhood. Make sure that those friendships are not simply triggering an internal collapse before you write them off. But if the women are competitive and jealous—narcissistic—avoid them if possible. Find authentic female friends who celebrate you and allow you to celebrate them. Such women are a celest
ial gift and very much worth expending the effort to find. Spending time around healthy people is a must.
The Mirror
Chances are you have been assessing yourself as you have read through this book and you may have found some narcissistic traits on which you need to work. Facing them honestly is very important for your recovery to be complete. You don’t have to feel bad about them or “not good enough”—you just need to be accountable. Below is a version of the nine narcissistic traits listed in the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders)—the same traits you reviewed in regard to your mother. Let’s look at the checklist:
AM I NARCISSISTICALLY IMPAIRED?
1. Do I exaggerate my accomplishments and say I have done things I have not done? Do I act more important than others?
2. Am I unrealistic about my thoughts and desires regarding love, beauty, success, intelligence? Do I seek power in these things?
3. Do I believe that I am so special and unique that only the best institutions and the highest academic professionals could possibly understand me?
4. Do I need to be admired all the time to the point of excess?
5. Do I have a sense of entitlement and expect to be treated differently and with more status than others?
6. Do I exploit others to get what I want or need?
7. Do I lack empathy and therefore never see what others are feeling or needing? Can I put myself in other people’s shoes? Can I show empathy?
8. Am I jealous and competitive with others or unreasonably, without logic, think that others are jealous of me?
9. Am I a haughty person who acts arrogant and “better than” with my friends, colleagues, and family?
And I would add one more:
10. Am I capable of authentic love?3
Very few daughters of narcissistic mothers would answer all of these questions in the affirmative, but you may see some areas that fit you. Use this list as a measuring stick for your personal growth. The two most important attributes for a healthy self and for motherhood are the ability to love and show empathy. Most daughters do possess an innate maternal instinct even though they may feel the need to polish it.
• • •
You are on your way to recovery. You have faced your past and yourself honestly and with a sense of urgency. By now you have experienced old pain and the dawn of a new freedom from your past as well as the freedom to become yourself. You know that you cannot heal the things you cannot feel, and you have opened yourself to a new, fearless way of thinking and living your life. You know how to express yourself and your needs directly and clearly. You have freed yourself from unrealistic expectations and can follow your own values and passions. My heart will always be with you as you continue on your lifelong path of recovery and discovery.
More from the Author
Will I Ever Be Free of…
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Karyl McBride, Ph.D., LMFT, is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Denver, Colorado, with over 28 years in public and private practice. She specializes in treating clients with dysfunctional-family-of-origin issues. For the past 17 years, Dr. McBride has been involved in private research concerning children of narcissistic parents, with a primary focus on women raised by narcissistic mothers. She has treated many daughters of narcissistic mothers in her private practice.
Additional information on services provided and background experience can be found on Dr. McBride’s private practice Web site at www.karylmcbridephd.com. The Never Good Enough book Web site, which includes a discussion forum for daughters of narcissistic mothers, can be found at www.nevergoodenough.com.
To contact Dr. McBride for speaking engagements, workshops, or further information, e-mail her at [email protected].
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NOTES
CHAPTER 1
1. Elan Golomb, Ph.D., Trapped in the Mirror: Adult Children of Narcissists in Their Struggle for Self (New York: William Morrow, 1992), 180.
2. American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed., text revision (Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 2000), 717.
CHAPTER 2
1. Jan L. Waldron, Giving Away Simone (New York: Anchor, 1997).
2. Terms of Endearment, 1983 (movie).
3. Pieces of April, 2003 (movie).
4. Postcards from the Edge, 1990 (movie).
5. Nicole Stansbury, Places to Look for a Mother (New York: Carroll and Graf, 2002), 95–96.
CHAPTER 3
1. Rebecca Wells, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (New York: HarperCollins, 1996), 251.
2. Gypsy: A Musical Fable, 1959 (musical, directed by Jerome Robbins); Gypsy, 1962 (movie).
3. Mermaids, 1990 (movie).
4. From poem “Dear Mommy” by Linda Vaughan, M.A., Denver, Colorado.
5. Terms of Endearment, 1983 (movie).
6. Beaches, 1988 (movie).
7. The Other Sister, 1999 (movie).
8. Rebecca Wells, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (New York: Harper Collins, 1996), 60, 225.
9. Billie Holiday, from Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (New York: HarperCollins, 1996), 1.
10. Michael Wilmington, movie review: The Mother, June 17, 2004 (www.chicago.metromix.com/movies/review/movie-review-the-mother/158925/content).
CHAPTER 4
1. Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert Pressman, The Narcissistic Family (New York: Lexington Books, 1994), 18.
2. Salvador Minuchin, Families and Family Therapy (Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 1974).
CHAPTER 5
1. Postcards from the Edge, 1990 (movie).
2. Alexander Lowen, M.D., Narcissism: Denial of the True Self (New York: Touchstone, 1985), ix.
3. USA Today, “Generation Y’s Goal? (Wealth and Fame),” January 10, 2007.
4. Harris Interactive, The Supergirl Dilemma: Girls Grapple with the Mounting Pressure of Expectations (New York: Girls Incorporated, 2006), 3. See also http://www.girlsinc.org/ic/page.php?id=2.4.30.
5. Ibid., 3.
6. Audrey D. Brashich, All Made Up (New York: Walker, 2006), 67–68.
7. Only Two Percent of Women Describe Themselves as Beautiful: article at www.dove.com/real_beauty/news.asp?id=566, 2004.
8. Information regarding brachioplasty surgery and cost from PlasticSurgeons.com.
9. Allure magazine, September 2006, 118.
10. Brashich, All Made Up, 65.
CHAPTER 6
1. According to Wikipedia, Mary Marvel is a comic book super-heroine who first appeared in 1942. She is the twin sister of Captain Marvel’s alter ego, Billy Batson. Mary and her brother Billy were orphans. When calling upon her special powers, she is transformed into an adult version of her late mother.
2. Stephanie Donaldson-Pressman and Robert Pressman, The Narcissistic Family (New York: Lexington Books, 1994), 133.
3. American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed., text revision (Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 2000), 717.
4. “Introduction of the Impostor Syndrome,” online article at www.counseling.caltech.edu/articles/The%20Imposter%20Syndrome.htm.
5. Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes, “The Impostor Phenomenon in High-Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention,” Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice, vol. 15, no. 3, fall 1978, 2.
6. Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of a Course in Miracles (New York: HarperCollins, 1992), 190–91.
CHAPTER 7
1. Margaret Drabble, The Peppered Moth (Orlando, FL: Harcourt, 2001), 1
63.
CHAPTER 8
1. Eric Fromm, The Art of Loving (New York: Bantam, 1956), 50.
2. Rebecca Wells, Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood (New York: HarperCollins, 1996), 393.
CHAPTER 10
1. Postcards from the Edge, 1990 (movie).
2. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, On Death and Dying (New York: Macmillan, 1969).
CHAPTER 11
1. Elizabeth Strout, Amy and Isabelle (New York: Random House, 1999).
2. Murray Bowen, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (New York: Jason Aronson, 1978), 539.
3. Ibid., 539–42.
4. Ann and Barry Ulanov, Cinderella and Her Sisters: The Envied and the Envying (Philadelphia: The Westminster Press, 1983), 19.
5. James F. Masterson, M.D., The Search for the Real Self: Unmasking the Personality Disorders of Our Age (New York: Free Press, 1990), 42–46.
CHAPTER 12
1. Agnes Repplier, The Treasure Chest (New York: HarperCollins, 1995).
2. The concepts of “the internal mother” and “the collapse” are illustrated creatively in Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes’s spellbinding story collection on her CD Warming the Stone Child (Boulder, CO: Sounds True, Boulder, 1990).
3. American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th ed., text revision (Washington, D.C.: American Psychiatric Association, 2000), 715.
4. Ibid., 468.
5. Thomas J. Leonard, The Portable Coach (New York: Scribner, 1998), 19.
6. Dr. James Gregory is a family practice physician at Gregory, Barnhart and Weingart, in Thornton, Colorado.
CHAPTER 13
1. Victoria Secunda, When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends: Resolving the Most Complicated Relationship of Your Life (New York: Dell, 1990), xv.
2. Murray Bowen, Family Therapy in Clinical Practice (New York: Jason Aronson, 1978), 534.
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Page 21