allowing, 143–44
importance of, 149
the loss of the child you couldn’t be, 150–51
the mother you never had, 147–49
stages of, 145–46
Guilt, 110, 149–50
Gypsy (musical), 40
H
Health
caring for, 176–77
the high achiever and, 91–92
Hierarchy of family, 69–71, 212
High-achieving daughter, 67–68, 69, 87–97
arrogance feared by, 93
by choice, 90
friendships and, 216
impostor syndrome and, 93–97
internal vs. external validation, 92
romantic relationships and, 113–14
self-care and, 91–92
self-saboteur compared with, 68, 99–100, 105–6
supportive relationships and, 101
Holiday, Billie, 54
Holmes, Katie, 27
Human doings vs. human beings, 87
I
“I am” list, 164–65
Idealization of motherhood, 13
Ideal mother, 147–48
“If I Were Good Enough” (exercise), 173
Ignoring mother, 37, 38, 69
characteristics of, 40–45
daughter’s parenting skills and, 126, 128
engulfing behaviors in, 45–46
separating from, 154
Illness control method, 51
Image, 20–21, 75–84, 128–29
authenticity vs., 84
cultural reflections of, 76, 80–83
feelings subjugated to, 75–76
internalized messages about, 77
maternal reflections of, 76–80
Impostor syndrome, 93–97
Individuation, 38, 153–56. See also Separation
Inner child, 150–51
Interdependency, 112, 215
Interests, finding in a memory, 174–75
Internal critic, 17–18, 30, 35. See also “Not good enough” message
author’s, 3–4
exercise to dispel, 173
internal mother vs., 164–65
silencing, 155, 158–59
Internal mother, 163, 164–65, 173
during the collapse, 167, 169
defined, 164
romantic relationships guided by, 213
Intimacy, 114, 161
“Introduction of the Impostor Syndrome” (article), 94–95
Intuition, 111–12
It’s Good to Be (television program), 81
J
Jealousy. See Envy and jealousy
Journaling, 146–47, 151, 158, 175, 178, 201
Judgmental behavior, 30–31
K
Kleptomania, 102
Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth, 145
Kureishi, Hanif, 57
L
Lee, Gypsy Rose, 40
Legacy of narcissism. See Narcissistic legacy, ending
Leonard, Thomas J., 175–76
Loners, 119–20. See also Solitude, capacity for
Love. See also Romantic relationships
distorted, 6, 7, 109
futile attempts to win, 19–20
vs. blame, 202
Lowen, Alexander, 80–81
M
MacLaine, Shirley, 27, 45, 76
Mary Marvels, 87–88, 91, 92, 97
Masterson, James, 160
Media influences, 81–82
Mermaids (film), 41
Midler, Bette, 46
Millennial generation. See Generation Y
Miller, Alice, 203
“Mirror” image, 35, 217–18
Money issues, 25, 187
Mother, The (film), 57
Motherhood. See Children
Mother’s Day, 13, 20
MTV Cribs (television program), 81
N
Narcissism
everyday definition of, 8
nine traits of, 8–10
origin of term, 7–8
personal assessment, 217–18
pervasive impact of, 5
Narcissism: Denial of the True Self (Lowen), 80–81
Narcissistic Family, The (Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman), 59, 88
Narcissistic injury, 165–66
Narcissistic legacy, ending, 140, 203–19
with children, 203–12
in friendships, 216–17
in romantic relationships, 213–16
Narcissistic mothers
accomplishment-oriented, 48–50, 88
addicted, 53–54
civil connection with, 185
daughters seen as extensions of, 20–21
dealing with, 140, 181–202
death of, 77, 104, 185, 194
emotionally needy, 56–57
engulfing (see Engulfing mother)
failure to bond with daughters, 11–13
flamboyant-extrovert, 46–48
forgiving, 198–200
gifts of, 201
ignoring (see Ignoring mother)
prognosis for recovery, 141–42
psychosomatic, 50–53, 131
questionnaire, 15–16
secretly mean, 54–56
seductive behavior in, 34, 39, 65, 115
temporary separation from, 186
ten stingers of, 18–35
toxic, 184–85
understanding makeup of, 194–96
unique struggles of daughters, 6–7
the untreatables, 183
Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), 18, 69, 201, 205
difficulty of treating, 183
prevalence of, 8
Narcissus, 7–8
Neediness, 167
in mothers, 56–57
in romantic relationships, 112–13, 118, 119
“Not good enough” message, 5, 10, 33, 209. See also Internal critic
high achiever and, 88
modeling, 127–28, 204
Nouwen, Henry, 200
NPD. See Narcissistic personality disorder
O
On Death and Dying (Kübler-Ross), 145
Only Necessary Thing, The (Nouwen), 200
Other Sister, The (film), 50
P
Parenting. See also Children
historical perspective on, 196–98
suggestions on, 203–6
Passions, indulging, 178
Passive-aggressive behavior, 73
Passivity, 103, 125–26
Peppered Moth, The (Drabble), 99
Pieces of April (film), 27
Places to Look for a Mother (Stansbury), 34–35
Plastic surgery, 81, 83
Postcards from the Edge (film), 27–28, 76, 143
Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), 166
Praise, 126–27, 209
Pressman, Robert, 59, 88
Privacy, 33–35, 215. See also Boundaries
Projection, 35, 156–57
Psychosomatic mother, 50–53, 131
Q
Questionnaire (“Does Your Mother Have Narcissistic Traits?”), 15–16
R
Reality television, 81
Real self, 140, 163–79
capacities of, 160–61
interests of, 174–75
passions of, 178
talents of, 177–78
values of, 171–73
Real-woman collage, 171
Reciprocity, 215, 216
Recovery, 133–219. See also Acceptance; Grieving; Narcissistic legacy, ending; Narcissistic mothers, dealing with; Real self; Separation
Reframing, 139, 140
Reid, Anne, 57
Relationship picker, 110, 119, 120, 213
Religion
deriving support from, 200
disagreement on, 162
Repetition compulsion, 110, 121
Repplier, Agnes, 163
Romantic relationships, 69, 109–21, 213–16
c
odependent (see Codependent relationships)
dependent (see Dependent relationships)
end of, 110–11
finding the love of your life, 213–14
internal mother as guide in, 213
loners and, 119–20
modeling of, 62
mothers’ criticism of, 31, 39
mothers’ seductive behavior, 34
reasons for choices in, 111–13
recovery tasks in, 215–16
struggle in, 120–21
unconscious choices in, 112, 113, 117–18
Russell, Rosalind, 40
S
Scapegoating, 30, 157
Search for the Real Self, The (Masterson), 160
Secretly mean mother, 54–56
Secunda, Victoria, 181
Seductive behavior, 34, 39, 65, 115
Self-absorption, 25–27, 131–32
Self-activation, 160
Self-care
the high achiever and, 91–92
self-absorption vs., 131–32
Self-esteem
acknowledgment of, 160
in children, 211
of narcissistic mothers, 158
romantic relationships and, 110
Self-expression, lack of support for, 23–25
Self-importance. See Grandiose feelings
Selfishness, 175–76
Self-sabotaging daughter, 69, 99–108
high achiever compared with, 68, 99–100, 105–6
numbness sought by, 101–5
pervasiveness of behavior, 105–6
reasons for behavior, 101
search for substitute caregivers, 106–8
traits of, 100
Self-soothing, 160
Sensitive one, 169–70
Separation, 140, 153–62
civil connection following, 185
criteria for evaluating, 159–61
described, 155–56
encouraging stories of, 161–62
importance for mental health, 153–55
steps in, 156–59
temporary, 186
Sexual abuse, 130
Shame, 110, 121
Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve (Smedes), 200
Showbiz moms, 40, 177
Showbiz Moms & Dads (television program), 40
Silent generation, 197
Sisters
author’s, 45–46, 68
extreme behavior in, 67–69
Sleep, 177
Smedes, Lewis, 200
Solitude, capacity for, 161, 175. See also Loners
Sons, 6–7. See also Brothers
Specialness, narcissists’ belief in, 9
Spectrum disorders, 8, 69, 141–42, 205
Stansbury, Nicole, 34–35
Streep, Meryl, 27, 76
Strout, Elizabeth, 153
Structural family therapy model, 69
Substance abuse. See Addictions; Alcohol abuse
Suicide, 53–54, 128
Supergirl Dilemma, The (study), 81–82
T
Talent search, 177–78
Ten stingers, 18–35
Terms of Endearment (film), 24, 45
Therapy
sharing information with mother, 192–93
taking mother to, 190–92
untreatables, 183
usefulness of, 151–52
Toxic mothers, 184–85
Trapped in the Mirror (Golomb), 3, 203
Treasure Chest, The (Repplier), 163
Tree analogy, 136
Triangulation, 73
Trust, 72, 119–20, 215
Turner, Tina, 84
Twelve-step programs, 200
U
Untreatables, 183
USA Today, 81
V
Validation, internal vs. external, 92, 106
Values
children and, 209–10
uncovering, 171–73
Vaughan, Linda, 42
W
Waldron, Jan, 17
Weight, preoccupation with, 82, 83, 189. See also Eating disorders
Wells, Rebecca, 53
When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends (Secunda), 181
Williamson, Marianne, 97
Wilmington, Michael, 57
Wood, Natalie, 40
Workaholism, 88, 91–92
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The Library of Congress has cataloged the Free Press hardcover edition as follows:
McBride, Karyl.
Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers/Karyl McBride.
p. cm.
Includes bibliographical references.
1. Narcissism. 2. Self-acceptance. 3. Mothers and daughters—Psychology. I. McBride, Karyl. II. Title.
RC553.N36W54 2008
616.85'854—dc22 2008014676
ISBN 978-1-4165-5132-4
ISBN 978-1-4391-2943-2 (pbk)
ISBN 978-1-4391-2323-2 (ebook)
Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Page 23