Will I Ever Be Good Enough?

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Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Page 23

by Karyl McBride


  allowing, 143–44

  importance of, 149

  the loss of the child you couldn’t be, 150–51

  the mother you never had, 147–49

  stages of, 145–46

  Guilt, 110, 149–50

  Gypsy (musical), 40

  H

  Health

  caring for, 176–77

  the high achiever and, 91–92

  Hierarchy of family, 69–71, 212

  High-achieving daughter, 67–68, 69, 87–97

  arrogance feared by, 93

  by choice, 90

  friendships and, 216

  impostor syndrome and, 93–97

  internal vs. external validation, 92

  romantic relationships and, 113–14

  self-care and, 91–92

  self-saboteur compared with, 68, 99–100, 105–6

  supportive relationships and, 101

  Holiday, Billie, 54

  Holmes, Katie, 27

  Human doings vs. human beings, 87

  I

  “I am” list, 164–65

  Idealization of motherhood, 13

  Ideal mother, 147–48

  “If I Were Good Enough” (exercise), 173

  Ignoring mother, 37, 38, 69

  characteristics of, 40–45

  daughter’s parenting skills and, 126, 128

  engulfing behaviors in, 45–46

  separating from, 154

  Illness control method, 51

  Image, 20–21, 75–84, 128–29

  authenticity vs., 84

  cultural reflections of, 76, 80–83

  feelings subjugated to, 75–76

  internalized messages about, 77

  maternal reflections of, 76–80

  Impostor syndrome, 93–97

  Individuation, 38, 153–56. See also Separation

  Inner child, 150–51

  Interdependency, 112, 215

  Interests, finding in a memory, 174–75

  Internal critic, 17–18, 30, 35. See also “Not good enough” message

  author’s, 3–4

  exercise to dispel, 173

  internal mother vs., 164–65

  silencing, 155, 158–59

  Internal mother, 163, 164–65, 173

  during the collapse, 167, 169

  defined, 164

  romantic relationships guided by, 213

  Intimacy, 114, 161

  “Introduction of the Impostor Syndrome” (article), 94–95

  Intuition, 111–12

  It’s Good to Be (television program), 81

  J

  Jealousy. See Envy and jealousy

  Journaling, 146–47, 151, 158, 175, 178, 201

  Judgmental behavior, 30–31

  K

  Kleptomania, 102

  Kübler-Ross, Elisabeth, 145

  Kureishi, Hanif, 57

  L

  Lee, Gypsy Rose, 40

  Legacy of narcissism. See Narcissistic legacy, ending

  Leonard, Thomas J., 175–76

  Loners, 119–20. See also Solitude, capacity for

  Love. See also Romantic relationships

  distorted, 6, 7, 109

  futile attempts to win, 19–20

  vs. blame, 202

  Lowen, Alexander, 80–81

  M

  MacLaine, Shirley, 27, 45, 76

  Mary Marvels, 87–88, 91, 92, 97

  Masterson, James, 160

  Media influences, 81–82

  Mermaids (film), 41

  Midler, Bette, 46

  Millennial generation. See Generation Y

  Miller, Alice, 203

  “Mirror” image, 35, 217–18

  Money issues, 25, 187

  Mother, The (film), 57

  Motherhood. See Children

  Mother’s Day, 13, 20

  MTV Cribs (television program), 81

  N

  Narcissism

  everyday definition of, 8

  nine traits of, 8–10

  origin of term, 7–8

  personal assessment, 217–18

  pervasive impact of, 5

  Narcissism: Denial of the True Self (Lowen), 80–81

  Narcissistic Family, The (Donaldson-Pressman and Pressman), 59, 88

  Narcissistic injury, 165–66

  Narcissistic legacy, ending, 140, 203–19

  with children, 203–12

  in friendships, 216–17

  in romantic relationships, 213–16

  Narcissistic mothers

  accomplishment-oriented, 48–50, 88

  addicted, 53–54

  civil connection with, 185

  daughters seen as extensions of, 20–21

  dealing with, 140, 181–202

  death of, 77, 104, 185, 194

  emotionally needy, 56–57

  engulfing (see Engulfing mother)

  failure to bond with daughters, 11–13

  flamboyant-extrovert, 46–48

  forgiving, 198–200

  gifts of, 201

  ignoring (see Ignoring mother)

  prognosis for recovery, 141–42

  psychosomatic, 50–53, 131

  questionnaire, 15–16

  secretly mean, 54–56

  seductive behavior in, 34, 39, 65, 115

  temporary separation from, 186

  ten stingers of, 18–35

  toxic, 184–85

  understanding makeup of, 194–96

  unique struggles of daughters, 6–7

  the untreatables, 183

  Narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), 18, 69, 201, 205

  difficulty of treating, 183

  prevalence of, 8

  Narcissus, 7–8

  Neediness, 167

  in mothers, 56–57

  in romantic relationships, 112–13, 118, 119

  “Not good enough” message, 5, 10, 33, 209. See also Internal critic

  high achiever and, 88

  modeling, 127–28, 204

  Nouwen, Henry, 200

  NPD. See Narcissistic personality disorder

  O

  On Death and Dying (Kübler-Ross), 145

  Only Necessary Thing, The (Nouwen), 200

  Other Sister, The (film), 50

  P

  Parenting. See also Children

  historical perspective on, 196–98

  suggestions on, 203–6

  Passions, indulging, 178

  Passive-aggressive behavior, 73

  Passivity, 103, 125–26

  Peppered Moth, The (Drabble), 99

  Pieces of April (film), 27

  Places to Look for a Mother (Stansbury), 34–35

  Plastic surgery, 81, 83

  Postcards from the Edge (film), 27–28, 76, 143

  Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), 166

  Praise, 126–27, 209

  Pressman, Robert, 59, 88

  Privacy, 33–35, 215. See also Boundaries

  Projection, 35, 156–57

  Psychosomatic mother, 50–53, 131

  Q

  Questionnaire (“Does Your Mother Have Narcissistic Traits?”), 15–16

  R

  Reality television, 81

  Real self, 140, 163–79

  capacities of, 160–61

  interests of, 174–75

  passions of, 178

  talents of, 177–78

  values of, 171–73

  Real-woman collage, 171

  Reciprocity, 215, 216

  Recovery, 133–219. See also Acceptance; Grieving; Narcissistic legacy, ending; Narcissistic mothers, dealing with; Real self; Separation

  Reframing, 139, 140

  Reid, Anne, 57

  Relationship picker, 110, 119, 120, 213

  Religion

  deriving support from, 200

  disagreement on, 162

  Repetition compulsion, 110, 121

  Repplier, Agnes, 163

  Romantic relationships, 69, 109–21, 213–16

  c
odependent (see Codependent relationships)

  dependent (see Dependent relationships)

  end of, 110–11

  finding the love of your life, 213–14

  internal mother as guide in, 213

  loners and, 119–20

  modeling of, 62

  mothers’ criticism of, 31, 39

  mothers’ seductive behavior, 34

  reasons for choices in, 111–13

  recovery tasks in, 215–16

  struggle in, 120–21

  unconscious choices in, 112, 113, 117–18

  Russell, Rosalind, 40

  S

  Scapegoating, 30, 157

  Search for the Real Self, The (Masterson), 160

  Secretly mean mother, 54–56

  Secunda, Victoria, 181

  Seductive behavior, 34, 39, 65, 115

  Self-absorption, 25–27, 131–32

  Self-activation, 160

  Self-care

  the high achiever and, 91–92

  self-absorption vs., 131–32

  Self-esteem

  acknowledgment of, 160

  in children, 211

  of narcissistic mothers, 158

  romantic relationships and, 110

  Self-expression, lack of support for, 23–25

  Self-importance. See Grandiose feelings

  Selfishness, 175–76

  Self-sabotaging daughter, 69, 99–108

  high achiever compared with, 68, 99–100, 105–6

  numbness sought by, 101–5

  pervasiveness of behavior, 105–6

  reasons for behavior, 101

  search for substitute caregivers, 106–8

  traits of, 100

  Self-soothing, 160

  Sensitive one, 169–70

  Separation, 140, 153–62

  civil connection following, 185

  criteria for evaluating, 159–61

  described, 155–56

  encouraging stories of, 161–62

  importance for mental health, 153–55

  steps in, 156–59

  temporary, 186

  Sexual abuse, 130

  Shame, 110, 121

  Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve (Smedes), 200

  Showbiz moms, 40, 177

  Showbiz Moms & Dads (television program), 40

  Silent generation, 197

  Sisters

  author’s, 45–46, 68

  extreme behavior in, 67–69

  Sleep, 177

  Smedes, Lewis, 200

  Solitude, capacity for, 161, 175. See also Loners

  Sons, 6–7. See also Brothers

  Specialness, narcissists’ belief in, 9

  Spectrum disorders, 8, 69, 141–42, 205

  Stansbury, Nicole, 34–35

  Streep, Meryl, 27, 76

  Strout, Elizabeth, 153

  Structural family therapy model, 69

  Substance abuse. See Addictions; Alcohol abuse

  Suicide, 53–54, 128

  Supergirl Dilemma, The (study), 81–82

  T

  Talent search, 177–78

  Ten stingers, 18–35

  Terms of Endearment (film), 24, 45

  Therapy

  sharing information with mother, 192–93

  taking mother to, 190–92

  untreatables, 183

  usefulness of, 151–52

  Toxic mothers, 184–85

  Trapped in the Mirror (Golomb), 3, 203

  Treasure Chest, The (Repplier), 163

  Tree analogy, 136

  Triangulation, 73

  Trust, 72, 119–20, 215

  Turner, Tina, 84

  Twelve-step programs, 200

  U

  Untreatables, 183

  USA Today, 81

  V

  Validation, internal vs. external, 92, 106

  Values

  children and, 209–10

  uncovering, 171–73

  Vaughan, Linda, 42

  W

  Waldron, Jan, 17

  Weight, preoccupation with, 82, 83, 189. See also Eating disorders

  Wells, Rebecca, 53

  When You and Your Mother Can’t Be Friends (Secunda), 181

  Williamson, Marianne, 97

  Wilmington, Michael, 57

  Wood, Natalie, 40

  Workaholism, 88, 91–92

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  Copyright © 2008 by Dr. Karyl McBride

  Illustrated by Kitzmiller Design

  All rights reserved, including the right to reproduce this book or portions thereof in any form whatsoever. For information address Atria Books Subsidiary Rights Department, 1230 Avenue of the Americas, New York, NY 10020.

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  The Library of Congress has cataloged the Free Press hardcover edition as follows:

  McBride, Karyl.

  Will I ever be good enough? Healing the daughters of narcissistic mothers/Karyl McBride.

  p. cm.

  Includes bibliographical references.

  1. Narcissism. 2. Self-acceptance. 3. Mothers and daughters—Psychology. I. McBride, Karyl. II. Title.

  RC553.N36W54 2008

  616.85'854—dc22 2008014676

  ISBN 978-1-4165-5132-4

  ISBN 978-1-4391-2943-2 (pbk)

  ISBN 978-1-4391-2323-2 (ebook)

 

 

 


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